My ongoing therapy dilemma

[Daniel E.]

The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance

"Happiness and self-acceptance go hand in hand. In fact, your level of self-acceptance determines your level of happiness. The more self-acceptance you have, the more happiness you'll allow yourself to accept, receive and enjoy. In other words, you enjoy as much happiness as you believe you're worthy of [emphasis added]."

...Self-acceptance is about already being okay, about seeing ourselves as "good enough" now--with no qualifications of any kind. We don't ignore or deny our frailties, we just see them as not relevant to our basic acceptability...

Only when we're able to give ourselves unqualified approval--by developing greater self-compassion and focusing more on our positives than negatives--can we at last forgive ourselves for our faults, as well as relinquish our need for others' approval...

There's no reason we can't decide right now to transform our fundamental sense of who we are. And we can remind ourselves that our various weaknesses are only part of what makes us human. If all our failings and flaws were suddenly to disappear, my pet theory is that we'd instantly turn into white light and disappear from the face of the planet. So in pursuing the challenge of unconditional self-acceptance, we might even want to take a certain pride in our imperfections.

 

[gooblax]

I did not mean to click like. I posted that as a way to see some therapists as arrogant or overassuming since you seem to blame yourself quite often.

Though I have felt the same way, being done with people in general would be throwing the baby out with the bath water. But I would be done with paying people who seem to be as triggering as helpful.

Here, it is practically free to see a psychiatrist with most insurance. And many of them provide some form of counseling during visits. My brother sometimes sees his psychiatrist as often as some people see a therapist.

Yeah I didn't think you meant for me to focus on the part that I did.

I'm pretty easily triggerable on these topics so I do need to take responsibility for that part rather than expecting to never have that stuff triggered during therapy (even back when I first stated on the forums I remember David pointing out how sensitive I was with respect to concluding "I suck and need to go away" or similar). I don't think it would be possible for me to have regular discussions with any therapist without the set of thoughts getting triggered somehow so that's an unrealistic measure. What I think I need to pay attention to is their response when I tell them about it getting triggered, as well as working on being less triggerable. Although my regular therapist hasn't become any better at not setting off the trigger and won't change his email unresponsiveness, he has always listened when I've brought up the problems, he's never showed anger or defensiveness about them, he's at least tried to understand even if a fair bit of the time he doesn't seem to really get it (and figuring it how to help him get it is part of my plan of what I want the counsellor to help me with).

I actually don't understand how insurance works here. The yearly limits are garbage (e.g. Pay $14.65 a week to get $400 mental health cover and unlimited dental cover and other stuff I usually wouldn't use. A standard trip to the dentist is maybe $375ish so that plus using the $400 you only just cover costs unless you're using the other stuff. Then you're limited with who you see and how you see them. ) Big fat not worth it to me.

 

[gooblax]

That's simply not true.

That's an old repetitive very destructive script that keeps running through your mind but it's simply NOT true.

But how can I know that it's not true?

Funny enough I was telling the counsellor what my usual negative thoughts are and somehow forgot about this one. He's given me an exercise to do for countering "worthlessness" thoughts - think of a time when someone's done something for me that indicates that I'm worth it to them, or when I've done something worthwhile, and try to feel and take in the 'worth it' feeling.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You can know that it's not true because everyone else knows that it's not true. If everyone else knows it's false and only you think it might be true, who is more likely to be wrong? All the other people? or your ruminative self-critical thought?

 

[gooblax]

You can know that it's not true because everyone else knows that it's not true. If everyone else knows it's false and only you think it might be true, who is more likely to be wrong? All the other people? or your ruminative self-critical thought?

But how would "everyone else" know anything about it? They can only form an opinion based on what they see and hear, and they don't know the detailed ins-and-outs of the situation.
Plus if I were to believe that I was wrong about that stuff, it would be a trap opening myself up for being hurt.

 

[Daniel E.]

An example with my OCD: At some point, things get so bad or exhausting (in the OCD cycle) one can have a "come to Jesus" (or "hit rock bottom") moment/period where one is willing to take a leap of faith and embrace more uncertainty in order to avoid another day of the same old hell.

So you do not need more insight necessarily. Just being fed up enough with the same old problems that even new problems would be refreshing. Otherwise, one may be stuck in the "yeah, but..." stage of maintaining the status quo. Like "yeah, I know such and such could help, but that may be a waste of time so why bother."

But insight is developed over time as one gains more experience. For example, one can learn to recognize (or be more mindful) of bodily sensations that accompany the compulsive ruminating as a sign to slow down and take some deep breaths (or take a walk outside or whatever).

 

[gooblax]

Got myself into a massive "therapist doesn't care, my problems aren't real problems, I'm not worth caring about" mess last night involving crying while walking home from getting groceries (hooray for walking at night when no one can see your face). Considered cancelling next week's session, or having the session but pushing out the next one further, then further again to taper myself off, with the purpose of proving the above thoughts true and just making myself more miserable. Somehow I forgot about the thoughts when I got home (having a bag of m&ms probably helped distract me) and didn't start them up to the same intensity for the rest of the night. But I don't know how to stop repeatedly falling into the same trap.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Those are somewhat separate issues.

1. therapist doesn't care
2. my problems aren't real problems
3. I'm not worth caring about

1. I think he does care somewhat although he has been clumsy about demonstrating that to date. That's may be really more an issue of "keep this therapist vs. switch therapists". I suggested previously that "training" him to adjust his style somewhat might help but only you can decide whether the pros of remaining with him outweigh the cons of feeling the sadness you feel about that.

2. Your problems are absolutely real. If something bothers and upsets you to the extent that they obviously do, they warrant your attention and the attention of any competent therapist. You might be surprised to find out what things bring people to therapy but I can tell you that your reasons for going are important and valid. As one of my own therapists once said, "This is the landscape of your life. Of course you are concerned about that". This is one of those areas where a workable approach to dismissing repeated negative self-destructive thoughts can help.

3. You are most definitely worth caring about. People do care about you, here and elsewhere (offline), although some may have less than stellar ways of demonstrating that. Again, this is one of those areas where a workable approach to dismissing repeated negative self-destructive thoughts can help.

 

[Daniel E.]

And Jeffrey Schwartz advocates for having a mantra like "It's not me, it's my brain" for dealing with these repetitive thoughts. Like how Trump uses the term "fake news." (Another term may be "false narrative" or being "gaslighted" by the "inner critic.")

 

[gooblax]

I had one of those positive feelings about the counsellor over the weekend - the "oh maybe this is a helpful person who might listen and care" kind. :yuck: And now I'm worried about having the same reactions to stuff with him as with my therapist. I don't want to do this again with someone else. Those feelings don't lead to anything good at all, just dependence and getting hurt.

Session with therapist tomorrow, and I'm not sure how I want to approach it. I think things are mostly back to normal for me now following the session on July 9th and subsequent events. So that's nice. Maybe this normal is the best I can hope for.

 

[gooblax]

The session went well. At the start he asked (albeit a bit awkwardly) if I had some stuff to talk about and was ok to talk about it, which is basically what I'd asked for so that was good.

We spoke a lot about:
- how I've been feeling better and what's been going on
- how he and I communicate, and that I'm not just back where I started because I'm communicating a lot more openly now.

I also told him some history about why I might have the recurring "not real problems, not worth caring about" thoughts and he seemed to understand and get why it would still be causing problems now. Overall it was actually really good and we both acknowledged that there has been a bit of positive coming out of the negative therapy stuff.

We didn't really discuss the time-of-year issue aside from him suggesting that I pick a different time of year to celebrate my birthday (cause I mentioned how that affects things), but I'm OK about not really getting into that.

It's nice that I'm feeling settled and ok after the session too, which is more than I can say from some other sessions.

 

[gooblax]

Almost made it a week without upsetting myself too much. Apparently reading the words, written to someone else, "the therapist is your ally and on your team," is enough to kick off the "Mine's not, I'm not worth it for an" ally" or "team"" sad spiral. Luckily I'm just too sleepy to stay on the spiral for very long tonight.
It's hard to imagine that there are people who don't have this issue and tend to believe that people are on their side for things like this.

 

[Daniel E.]

On somewhat of a tangent, I think the "it's me against the universe" is a common "meme" in Western society. In traditional Asian society, things are on the other extreme and collective. Like joining the Borg.

 

[gooblax]

Interestingly, I find the idea of having family being 'closer' and all that to be absolutely repulsive. Just imagining it feels suffocating and disgusting.

I'm sure I can come up with some evidence that my therapist is on my side though e.g. saying he's pleased I've been feeling better, pointing out that I'm a lot better at communicating with him now so I'm not "back to square one," and that even though things still sometimes get "stuck in my throat" as I try to say them, he thinks continuing to try has been paying off.
That's not not-being-on-my-team.

 

[gooblax]

I think the only way to make myself quit would be to do it then delete the email account I use to communicate with him (now only one-way if he needs to send a new teletherapy link), and block the phone numbers.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

 

[gooblax]

I was just doing that today actually

I have a session with the counsellor on Saturday morning and am currently in a "not talkative" mood. Plus some "actually things are kind of not too bad right now and what was it that I even wanted to work on in therapy anyway? Why am I doing this?" with a dash of "my regular therapist and I have never found a good way to talk about {xyz} which is probably the main thing I need help to stop doing. So he can't help with that, and nooooooo I can't try talking about that with the counsellor because it'll probably be just as bad if not worse, plus we don't even know each other at all so I can't bring it up."

 

[gooblax]

I don't like it when things are unpredictable with my regular therapist. His office always sends out a reminder/confirmation sms the day before the appointment. Every time it is sent by 9:30am, except for once it didn't arrive until 11:15.

Given that my appointment is tomorrow, I'd have expected the sms by now since the time is 12:30. I obviously don't need the reminder - with how much I obsess about sessions it's not like I would forget. But its absence makes me wonder:
- if the reminders are manually initiated (presumably by the practice manager), is there something up with the practice manager?
- did my therapist put the wrong date in his calendar (or not hit save on the calendar entry) when we set the appointment?
- has a block of sessions been cancelled, and the practice manager was meant to tell people, but forgot the way she forgot to tell me about the fee change at the start of the year?
- am I just being overly rigid in my need for predictability and the sms will come when it comes so chill out dude?

Luckily I'm not feeling anxious about this yet (just over thinking!), but it might kick up later today or tomorrow if the reminder doesn't come. Since he swapped to using the new video platform, he typically sends out a link an hour or two before each session (seems unnecessary because the link doesn't seem to be different between sessions and from my understanding of the platform each client can be set up with an individual link... But he can do what he likes there.). There was one time that he didn't send a link which was fine because I had the previous one, and I wasn't very stressed about it at the time.

However if I don't get a reminder, and subsequently don't get a link... I'll definitely be wondering if the session is still on. And I know that will definitely kick up some feelings about my usual hypersensitive topics.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

By now, he should know about how you obsess and how much anxiety that creates for you. Most people knowing that would make doubly certain that your appointment was confirmed and/or that you were given adequate notice of any changes.

This is what angers me. He is insensitive. And it leaves one to question if he even gives a damn as long as he gets his fee. [emoji35]

 

[gooblax]

Maybe. I'm not making that assumption yet but I know typically that's where my thoughts go (or more that I'm being too sensitive by wanting more consideration from him... But no point thinking about that before I have to).

Last time with the fee issue, he seemed to think it was a big leap to go from a practical thing (not being told about the change of fee) to it meaning that he doesn't care. He probably sees this similarly. Sometimes I wonder if his life is a bit too chaotic/busy to give things the proper consideration.

He did seem to care about how that fee thing affected me. I'm going to try to assume that whatever is going on this time, and however it ends up affecting me, that he will care the same amount as he did last time. Easy to say now while I'm feeling OK about things, but as you know my baseline on this typically isn't very steady.