My ongoing therapy dilemma

[Daniel E.]

This is what angers me. He is insensitive. And it leaves one to question if he even gives a damn as long as he gets his fee.

And it is easier to reach some celebrities through Twitter than your therapist through e-mail.

Some quotes that come to mind:

“Never let someone who contributes so little to a relationship control so much of it.”

― Unknown


"It's hard for most of us to go through a typical day outside the home without some humiliating incident, however trivial, without some frustrating reminder of how limited our power is, how unimportant we are. The relationships we want to spend our lives in should be a refuge from this. If they are just a source of more humiliation, they're not healthy places to stay in."

― Mira Kirshenbaum, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay


"There are few lives untouched by narcissists. These relationships infect those who are in them with self-doubt, despair, confusion, anxiety, depression, and the chronic feeling of being "not enough," all of which make it so difficult to step away and set boundaries."

~ publisher's description for "Don't You Know Who I Am?": How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility

 

[gooblax]

Just discovered when I got home that they sent the sms at 4:15pm-ish which is 7 hours after they normally send it. Weird as it may be, hopefully I can relax about it now. Certainly better than no sms.

[FONT=&quot]And it is easier to reach some celebrities through Twitter than your therapist through e-mail.[/FONT]

Yeah I now have a no email policy to him because I just can not do that again. So I don't know how I would've been able to confirm the appointment on my side.

 

[gooblax]

The session was pretty hard but after I'd had some time to reflect (ie. stop feeling sad from past stuff) I realised that it went pretty well.

I mentioned the late confirmation sms and he hadn't realised. It's automated so he was going to look into it and ask the receptionist to investigate, but it's also her last day before maternity leave.
We discussed that regardless of the sms, the booking had been made and that it would be worth trying to trust that it'll happen unless he lets me know otherwise (but noting that there is a remote possibility that something could come along and disrupt that despite anyone's intentions). But also acknowledged that I need the predictability (and I explained that if there wasn't a precident of the sms and its timing then I wouldn't have had any issue) and that he doesn't think it's abnormal for me to need that.

I had more to say regarding the thoughts I had while waiting for the sms after the usual time, and that's obviously where I got tripped up emotionally. But I think we might slowly and gradually be ironing out some of the things that cause the tripping. Especially if I can speed things up with the counsellor.

 

[Daniel E.]

(and I explained that if there wasn't a precident of the sms and its timing then I wouldn't have had any issue)

I don't understand why, at least before, the receptionist was in the dark about the video appointment times, given his lack of ability to communicate.

My favorite receptionist was the therapist's wife since she knew his every move

 

[gooblax]

I think just because pre-covid he was giving himself out-of-office extra time working late on some days but then it would depend on whether his kid had something on... And so he was somewhat managing that himself, so the receptionist didn't know 100% if he was available for the timeslot.

Then I guess also he didn't have many online clients pre-covid so they were easy to 'miss' when the receptionist was informing people about the fee change.

I can imagine that I'd have mixed feelings about the wife-receptionist combo. But my brain does weird stuff.

 

[gooblax]

I'm having trouble deciding on the timing for therapist and counsellor sessions. My therapist found it quite amusing when I told him I'd decided to keep seeing the counsellor to help me deal with stuff related to him. Good thing I'm quite open to seeing the funny side at the moment (compared to 2 months ago when it wasn't very funny).

I've been having good sessions with my therapist lately, and so I don't really need support between sessions from the counsellor when things are ok. However there are still things I need help managing (eg. uncomfortable positive feelings about therapist which are super distracting, and trouble getting over something my therapist said last year although I've discussed it with my therapist multiple times). And I can't be sure when we'll next have a rupture, which you've probably noticed will typically mess me up for a couple of weeks.

At the moment I've put my therapy seasons back to 1 per 3 weeks, and counselling sessions to 1 per month (this time it's 5 weeks). I don't know if this makes sense or not. I also need to reassess what I actually want to work on in my therapy sessions, cause a fair bit of it had just fallen into repairing problems and trying to feel OK with him.

 

[gooblax]

Another roller-coaster day with the therapist thoughts.
Started off with a bizarre childish thought about showing him my toy dog for no apparent reason. Ended with thinking how I should cancel my next session to free up his time for a client he likes and cares about more.

This is a ridiculous form of internal torture, that's for sure.

 

[gooblax]

Apparently tonight is a good time to resume the activities in the previous post. This time focused instead on that what he said last August is true and he can't deny it without being non genuine, and so if I want to keep seeing him then I have to find a way to be ok with the fact that there's something about me that makes me not worth caring about.

 

[Daniel E.]

and so if I want to keep seeing him then I have to find a way to be ok with the fact that there's something about me that makes me not worth caring about.

Which, on the surface, sounds like devaluing yourself in order to idealize your therapist (or keep the positive illusions going about your therapist).

 

[Daniel E.]

“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

― Louise L. Hay

 

[gooblax]

Maybe a bit but it's also kind of true. It's objective truth that therapists, being human, will care more about some clients than they do about others. Fortunately, most won't accidentally say as much to one of those clients. Unfortunately, mine did, although I believe him that he didn't mean for it to come out that way. Doesn't make it not true. I'll have to discuss it more with the counsellor but I don't see him for another 2.5 weeks. I haven't told the counsellor about that part of what my therapist said and I dunno if I need to, but there is more to discuss there because I'm still very much hung up about it.

Therapist was asking a bit more about the counsellor and his approach to check whether it's beneficial for me to see both for the time being (once he'd finished laughing about the idea of seeing one therapist to help me handle seeing another). It'll be interesting to see if he researches any of the stuff I mentioned since he did write one of the things down.

 

[Daniel E.]

I'll have to discuss it more with the counsellor

:2thumbs:

 

[gooblax]

Having to fix my bike tyre last night was a good distraction from conflicted thoughts about therapy again. Unfortunately I just had to swap out the bike tube this morning cause the repaired one had gone flat again overnight, so I'm glad that I didn't bother putting the wheel back on the bike last night.
Not sure how this afternoon's therapy session will go because I'm feeling nervous about it even though there's no real reason for that.

 

[gooblax]

Sometimes I seem to have such a hard time figuring out how to talk to him. Had my list of topics, but no urge to talk about them as if they were someone else's topics. Tried some but then shut down the conversation by being pretty unresponsive cause I just couldn't figure out how to constructively respond or talk about them.

And so of course now I'm upset with myself. *facepalms*

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You're overthinking again: "analysis paralysis".

Make your list. And when it comes to your session, just start with #1 and go down the page. Do your prioritizing ahead of time while you are making the list and then don't second guess yourself during the session. Anything not covered in the session due to time constraints is the beginning of your list for the next session.

 

[gooblax]

I dunno about overthinking. It seems more like underthinking or even antithinking where there's just nothing to say and no way to say it.
Or getting to a list item and knowing that nothing will make a difference.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I dunno about overthinking. It seems more like underthinking or even antithinking where there's just nothing to say and no way to say it.

No. However it may feel, it's overthinking.

Or getting to a list item and knowing that nothing will make a difference.

You can't know that until you try. And even if true, that doesn't mean it's not worth discussing it.

 

[gooblax]

No. However it may feel, it's overthinking.

How so? What exactly is being overthought?

You can't know that until you try. And even if true, that doesn't mean it's not worth discussing it.

But I don't know how to discuss it in a way that will be helpful. Just stating the topic is no good.

 

[Daniel E.]

For me, a common form of rumination/obsession is "yeah, but..." Like "Yeah, I should do x-y-z today, but what's the point if we die anyway?" After engaging with such thoughts for 20+ years, I don't even need to think them per se for my actions to be inhibited by depression/anxiety.

One of my favorite book titles is from a book on ACT: Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

How so? What exactly is being overthought?

But I don't know how to discuss it in a way that will be helpful. Just stating the topic is no good.

You made a list. It was important enough to be on your list. It was added to the list for a reason, however trivial you think that might be. Getting into your session and second-guessing the items on your list is overthinking. Just go with it.

And just stating the topic is good. Even if you're not 100% clear on the topic, raise it as something you're confused about or bothered about or just unclear about. Then leave it to the therapist to ask whatever questions he needs to help both of you clarify the issue.