My ongoing therapy dilemma

[gooblax]

And just stating the topic is good. Even if you're not 100% clear on the topic, raise it as something you're confused about or bothered about or just unclear about. Then leave it to the therapist to ask whatever questions he needs to help both of you clarify the issue.

I tried that for some of the topics but then still couldn't really get into the topics, or feel like we were connecting in any way with anything important or 'emotionally connecting' (not that I should want that).
Some of the other topics we briefly discussed during the more introductory questions but then I didn't know what to elaborate with and so I couldn't think of what to do but to strike them off the list as already being done.
One topic I'd written was that I need to figure out a plan for when I'm going to take a holiday break and use up some leave while state borders may or may not be open by the time xmas comes around. He asked me in various ways what I would like to do but I just don't know and I don't know how I would know. I told him that but the topic just stalled there. It wasn't until today that I realised that I needed to ask him for help with how I can figure out what I want to do. Then it might've gone somewhere. But I just get so stuck and unable to come up with anything. And he gets stuck with how to deal with me when that happens.

 

[gooblax]

It hurts that I can't see him in person and have to do sessions over video, that I can't seem to talk to him like a normal person, that he cares about other clients more than me, that I should quit because none of this should matter as much as it does to me, that he wouldn't give a crap if I did quit.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It really is hard to escape the conclusion that this therapist is simply not a good match for you, and from everything you've described I don't see it getting any better even if you could arrange face-to-face sessions with him, which obviously is out of the question currently.

The bottom line really is that you may have to ditch him and find someone else in order to make progress toward your goals.

I'm well aware that you don't want to face that reality but the truth is we keep coming back to it. It won't go away. It will always be there. It's a bit like working up to leaving an abusive relationship.

 

[gooblax]

Yeah I'm not accepting that as a solution at this point.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Yes I fully understand. I'm not trying to push you or stress you.

It's more that I'm trying to look at this as any relationship. There are always going to be pluses and minuses, at least after the first flush of something new, and you have to try to find ways to just accept some of the negatives when there is little to no chance the other person will change. And if eventually you decide you cannot continue to accept the negatives, then the relationship needs to end.

Those are just universal comments, not specific to you or him. Ending any relationship (by that I mean a relationship of any kind, not just necessarily a romantic relationship) is always difficult, whether it's a friend, a family member, a lover/partner, a co-worker... anything.

 

[gooblax]

I think it would work out OK if I could just stop having feelings about my therapist and the sessions, and not have any emotion-related expectations about any of it.
As things are, it's just a mess.

I'm supposed to give my boss a plan for how I'm going to use my annual leave. My family obviously want me to visit over Xmas if the state borders are open. While that is a consideration, I'm actually more emotionally invested in visiting when I can see my therapist in person if that is an option. Which in itself is messed up.

I'm really having trouble with the annual leave because I'd like to use some of it doing things that I want to do, rather than things I think I should do, or what other people want me to do (e.g. mum saying to visit for 3wks over Xmas regardless of whether I then have to quarantine at home for 2wks on return, plus to go camping with her and dad for a week next year). But I'm having trouble deciding what I want to do, except for a few things that I talk myself out of due to anxiety.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Maybe start by listing the things you do NOT want to do?

What about just staying home and doing whatever you feel like doing on any given day? Does that have any attraction for you?


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[gooblax]

What about just staying home and doing whatever you feel like doing on any given day? Does that have any attraction for you?

Maybe for a couple of days but there's a very real risk of me literally just staying inside my apartment, wanting to go out and do something but feeling too anxious to go do it or unprepared or something and stressing myself out while being paralysed into inaction, spiralling into negative "coward/failure" thoughts... All because I hadn't planned something that I have to stick to doing.

 

[Daniel E.]

When my husband went to Phoenix for a few days with family (before COVID-19) and I would stay home with the pets, I would start turning into a hermit again. There are some tricks I have found though, like making appointments. I never/rarely cancel appointments, even for a dog groomer. And then once I am in town, I will always do something else once there. Another trick is buying almost no groceries in advance, so I literally have to leave the house to survive (unless I am willing to eat cereal or oatmeal all day -- which I never do anymore)

 

[Daniel E.]

Other things I do that help keep the novelty going and me from shutting down socially:
leave music or the TV on most of the time as a kindof background noise; make occassional phone calls and texts; avoid binge watching Netflix; give more attention to the pets and plants; do the dishes regulary (or eat more takeout) so I don't get stacks of dishes; and sometimes even give gifts to people or their dogs

Basically, if I don't go into hibernation mode the first day, I am fine. The first 24 hours are the most important for me

 

[gooblax]

I ended up picking some dates which, assuming borders are open, would hopefully be before my therapist might take holidays so maybe I could see him in person. And then follow it up with time with my family. Then if borders aren't open, there's at least some of the time before school holidays in my state so that I can do something here without it being too busy. I know that's not a good way to pick holiday dates but it is what it is.
@Daniel that's good that you've found some things that work for you.
Appointments could work for me but I'd have to plan them in advance, and know what appointments I want to have. I typically don't tack other things onto them though - usually one thing is enough and I just want to get back home afterwards.
The grocery thing just sounds frustrating
I think as long as I can come up with a plan of things that aren't too ambitious and that I actually want to do, it'll be ok. It'll be a bit harder if I'm doing that while working around my family's schedule too but it can probably still work.

 

[gooblax]

Counsellor today. I don't feel like going in-person but I'm going to challenge myself to do it. It's annoying though because it's 1hr45mins to get there 10mins early, about 1hr appointment, then at best 1hr30mins getting back assuming I don't miss a bus somewhere or other... but not impossible.

 

[Daniel E.]

I thought by now, there would be speed trains everywhere

 

[David Baxter PhD]

One word: Monorail

 

[gooblax]

Oh well. If I'd taken the high speed train, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to say hello to a friendly fluffy puppy.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The mob demands a photo!

 

[gooblax]

Uh oh, I didn't take one so I'll have to comb the Internet for a lookalike

 

[gooblax]

The session went OK although I confused myself into not getting a convenient bus home. So I'll be waiting awhile for this next bus.

We spoke about accepting the need for feeling emotionally connected rather than trying to remove the need altogether (e.g. saying that it's disgusting to want emotional connection is apparently as futile as finding it disgusting to need oxygen... Not sure I'm really on board here), and finding ways to get that "need" met outside of stuff with my therapist.

I'd rather just have a brain implant to bypass it.
I also don't see how I can be ok with myself for feeling the way I do about my therapist and am contemplating either quitting, or self harming every time I think about him so that maybe it will stop.

 

[gooblax]

I can't do this. I know I should just email to cancel further sessions but I can't. I've tried hitting myself when I think about my therapist gut all ti's doing is making me more upset and I can't stop ****ing crying

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You don't need to make any decisions today. Just let it sit with you in the background. In due time, you will be ready to and will want to make a decision but it doesn't have to be today.