My ongoing therapy dilemma

[gooblax]

Reminds me that Gloria liked Carl Rogers and his approach more than Albert Ellis or Fritz Perls:

I just watched the Rogers video after having watched the Ellis one a few months ago (haven't watched Perls yet). I definitely preferred Rogers' approach from the video too.

It does sound like there were a lot more positives than negatives in that session.

I think he may be making progress.

Yeah, I really do think he's getting a passing grade in "how to work with gooblax" lessons now. Certainly a long way from when he almost flunked out.

 

[Daniel E.]

I just watched the Rogers video after having watched the Ellis one a few months ago (haven't watched Perls yet). I definitely preferred Rogers' approach from the video too.

Yeah, and that's why I also like solution-focused therapy. In contrast, DBT, CBT, ACT, etc. can be a "tough love" approach since "life is hard," and so the focus is often on the "secondary gains" of avoidance. The problem with that is we already get "tough love" from family members and Dr. Phil. So why many therapists do more of the same is still beyond me.

 

[gooblax]

Dunno what thread this belongs in, but I've got that delayed first driving lesson tomorrow night after work. I recently realised that 5pm is an awful time to try and have a lesson... just when lots of people are finishing work for the day. Plus it'll turn dark during the lesson with sunset at 5:20pm.
Good thing the plan at this stage is just to do the one lesson to prove that I'm not a coward.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Woo hoo! Way to go, @gooblax! In your face, Aussie weather!

Actually, lessons in a busy area are not a bad idea. You'll be less nervous that way when you need to drive in a city.

I learned to drive in Montreal. And when it came time to take my test, I booked it at the busiest driving test center in the city. I sucked at parallel parking in those days but they were too busy there to care.

 

[gooblax]

I guess so. If I'm having to wait a long time for other cars it's less time doing any actual driving too, and more exposure to the main thing that bothers me - any other road users or pedestrians, or just people being anywhere in general.

The first real challenge is going to be trying to get the guy to park somewhere that my nosey neighbour can't watch. Hopefully there's a free space behind one of the tall hedges. Otherwise she's bound to want the gossip if she finds out I'm having a lesson. Only my partner, my psych, and you guys (plus the whole world who reads this post) know that I'm having a lesson and I hope to keep it that way (actually psych doesn't even know when the lesson is because we didn't raise the topic on Thurs).

I was watching a couple of tutorial videos about driving lessons to prepare. Unfortunately the first one I watched reminded me of driving with my parents but that person's dad was even more stressful than my parents were (like yelling "QUICK QUICK GO TO THE RIGHT" instead of calmly explaining beforehand where they wanted her to go). Good thing a professional instructor shouldn't be like that especially not in a first lesson, and if he is then there's no harm in immediately ending the relationship unlike with a parent.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

No. Generally driving instructors don't yell at students. It's counterproductive.

 

[gooblax]

The instructor is late due to traffic. He messaged about 5 mins after the lesson was meant to start to let me know.

Even on my way home it seemed like there was more traffic than usual. So this is off to a fantastic start. Meanwhile I'm in moderate anxiety land and was hoping that his sms was to say he couldn't make it at all.

 

[gooblax]

Survived the lesson. I sweated through my pants and shirt so good luck to the instructor sitting back on the seat. I stayed at pretty much 20km/h except for this tiny portion going about 40km/h on the main road (which is meant to be 60 but it was ok cause nothing was really behind me and I was turning to the first left so I had to slow further down for that). He said I was good at smooth turning and braking and just need to practice to improve confidence before trying the main road.

He seemed ok as a teacher, but he's an independent instructor rather than going through a driving school so he doesn't have a dual-control vehicle and he didn't have a lesson plan or anything. Just "ok, now go" (and explaining to check mirrors and do a head check) and mostly letting me decide where to go at each intersection, except for a few times he decided.

If I book with him again I'll need to try and go when it's not peak hour so he can actually get here on time. The only real way to do that is if I work from home part of the day (or the whole day)... which would mean telling my boss that I'm getting lessons. It'd be fine to tell people if I thought anything would come of it, but ultimately I'm not convinced that I'll ever be confident enough to actually get my licence.

Edit: and here comes the post-activity irritability, right on schedule. Only just breathed myself through a major impulsive self harm urge. Got loud upbeat music going to try and burn off some energy.

 

[gooblax]

Gave myself another serve of "I should quit therapy" thoughts last night, plus thinking how he wouldn't reply if I said goodbye over email. It sucks being so emotionally dependent, not to mention how disgusting it is to be that way.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

No that's your insulting intrusive OCD thoughts at it again.

You are NOT disgusting.

You are not an emotionally dependent person no matter how much this therapeutic relationship challenges you.

Your thoughts are lying to you again.

 

[gooblax]

I don't think I'm very emotionally independent, though. For instance, I never managed to stop posting here whenever I'm upset about something. That sounds like dependence to me.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's designed to be a resource for people who are upset about something, especially those who don't have a lot of support in real life or those who would have difficulty discussing something face to face with a family member, friend, or partner/spouse.

That's not emotional dependency. That's just good use of available resources.

I belong to several forums, notably some technical and some medical. When I need help with something, or I need more information, and Google isn't helping, that's where I go before I "bother" my medical team (because they were busy before the pandemic; now they are all running flat out so if I can answer my questions elsewhere that's what I do).

Similarly, when it's a technical issue with a solution not immediately obvious, I go to one of the tech forums for help.

Again, that's not dependency. That's just good use of resources.

My impression of you is that despite your negative and critical self-concept you are actually a very independent person in many/most respects. You definitely have a mind of your own (for better or for worse), you are a logical and critical thinker when it comes to anything but your self and that terrible critical inner voice that badgers you. In fact, you're a bit like Supergirl or Wonder Woman because you'll take on coworkers, neighbors, tradesmen, spiders, geckoes, and even *gasp* magpies.

Not many can say that.

 

[gooblax]

I can accept that I don't have in-person support. After all, my bf is long distance and we pretty much only communicate by instant message except for the occasional voice-only skype call on weekends. My family is interstate and really aren't useful for emotional stuff. And my psych is interstate. Plus I don't really have friends, but my closest in-person friend is also interstate (and as my psych was trying to point out, it's maybe not all that close if we only talk once or twice a year... but I don't think that's really a fair assessment and that's just where I'm at). But I dunno, that's just normal for me and isn't really something that I find to be a problem. The problem part is having emotions that make me feel like I need more than that.

But thanks for the positive feedback @David Baxter.

 

[Daniel E.]

The problem part is having emotions that make me feel like I need more than that.

That's one way of looking at it -- a particularly Western way with the myth of the individual:

Lessons From the Pandemic: Confronting the Myth of the Individual

It's required that we both more fully appreciate how we are all in this together and respect our unique needs as individuals. How do we do this?

www.psychologytoday.com

In this time of pandemic, we are being asked, indeed required, to at once more fully appreciate how we are “all in this together” and to respect our freedoms and unique needs as individuals. Historically we’ve tended to view individual freedom and collective responsibility as opposites. Easily, today, the result if we do is responses—from each side—that don’t really serve us. We need ways of thinking that can help us understand how we cannot have one without the other, indeed how the fullest expression of each depends on the other.

One of many other ways:

The Puzzled Life: Neurodiversity Counselling & Community

The Puzzled Life provides a home for neurodiversity psychoeducation, counselling and community.

juliammclennan.wixsite.com

Having worked in the mental health field for many years, I have come to believe that mental health symptoms often arise in those who have never found their fit. I consider neuro-exceptionals to be people who are very analytical, unusually sensitive and aware. They have very active minds and like to keep busy. They also tend to be introverts in typical social settings but get them comfortable and on a topic that interests them, you find a completely different person.

What I like about these various, conflicting theories about human motivation is that having multiple frameworks or stories increases cognitive flexibility -- as opposed to sticking to the same old way of looking at things (as in cognitive fusion).

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't really have friends, but my closest in-person friend is also interstate (and as my psych was trying to point out, it's maybe not all that close if we only talk once or twice a year... but I don't think that's really a fair assessment and that's just where I'm at).

I agree. I don't think how often you talk with a friend is any indication of the value or reality of that friendship. There are people I talk to quite frequently but I wouldn't call them friends. Then there are a couple I talk to maybe 2-4 times a year but when we do talk there's no doubt in my mind that they are accurately called friends.

For that matter, there are family members I consider myself to be close to even if we don't talk very frequently beyond Facebook (one of the real values of Facebook for me is being able to keep in touch with at least part of a large extended family scattered now around the globe — Canada, Scotland, England, South Africa, and Australia/Indonesia). I know if I needed help it would be forthcoming — no matter where they are they would offer what they could.

But I dunno, that's just normal for me and isn't really something that I find to be a problem. The problem part is having emotions that make me feel like I need more than that.

That's not the "problem part". That's the human part.

I generally consider myself to be an introvert and I suppose a bit of a loner (although I prefer to think of myself as more self-sufficient than many other people), but that doesn't mean I am "an island unto myself" to paraphrase that quote. I still need social contact even if I don't want it every day and find too much of it to be exhausting.

What's interesting is that being isolated from most people throughout the pandemic restrictions and lockdowns, I have become positively chatty at times when I do see people, e.g., nursing staff, the building superintendents. To be honest, I catch myself at times feeling just a tiny bit embarrassed and apologetic, like I'm talking someone's ear off.

 

[gooblax]

I wish I could bring myself to just quit therapy. I don't deserve to see my psych. I'm not important and I don't have anything that's worth helping. It's just a truckload of pathetic garbage. Of course I can't bring myself to do it because it's too upsetting, and I know how much worse it will hurt if I did quit. But at least that would be a show of strength rather than this.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't deserve to see my psych. I'm not important and I don't have anything that's worth helping. It's just a truckload of pathetic garbage. .... at least that would be a show of strength rather than this.

@gooblax, there is not a single word of truth in what I quoted above. Not a single word. Everything you wrote there is false.

Question: do you know what triggered these false thoughts?

 

[gooblax]

It can't be completely false, at least not all the time.

I think the trigger was a combination of:
- reading stuff about other people having their sessions covered under Australian medicare whereas I wouldn't trust my psych to do the paperwork without introducing another way for him to let me down on admin activities and trigger all the "he doesn't care, I'm not worth caring about, etc" thoughts, even if medicare was going to offer telehealth for non-regional locations post-COVID; and
- hormones.

I also had the "everybody has problems so mine aren't important" thoughts in the morning when I looked at the 'everybody has problems' themed article/post but I had set those aside for most of the day.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It can't be completely false, at least not all the time.

Tell me one thing you think is not false.

I think the trigger was a combination of:
- reading stuff about other people having their sessions covered under Australian medicare whereas I wouldn't trust my psych to do the paperwork without introducing another way for him to let me down on admin activities and trigger all the "he doesn't care, I'm not worth caring about, etc" thoughts, even if medicare was going to offer telehealth for non-regional locations post-COVID; and

Filing paperwork for clients is part of the job for any therapist. Based on past history, he might screw it up but not because of you - he would have to fully own that one.

- hormones.

Yes that's a reality, I know. I don't know what to advise about that, unless you feel able to talk to your doctor about it.

I also had the "everybody has problems so mine aren't important" thoughts in the morning when I looked at the 'everybody has problems' themed article/post but I had set those aside for most of the day.

You do tend to overthink, overanalyze, and overpersonalize things. But beyond that, the fact that everybody has problems does not make yours any less important or urgent, and certainly it does not make yours any less worthy of professional help and attention.

 

[Daniel E.]

Gave myself another serve of "I should quit therapy" thoughts last night

BTW:

“The experience of learning how to Relabel, Reframe, Refocus, and Revalue was eye-opening for them because it allowed them to see that their time could be better spent on other pursuits and in healthier ways.”

― Jeffrey M. Schwartz, You Are Not Your Brain: The 4-Step Solution for Changing Bad Habits, Ending Unhealthy Thinking, and Taking Control of Your Life

"In this delightful book [Can't Stop Thinking], Nancy Colier shows very clearly how addiction to thought is responsible for most human suffering. Clearly our fundamental nature as awareness is intrinsically free of thought. Read this book and experience the freedom to create your reality."

—Deepak Chopra, MD, author of Total Meditation

"You are not what others think of you; you are not even who you think you are. Thoughts label but do not live."

~ Robert Rosenbaum, Walking the Way