Narcissistic Mother?

[Sarirue]

Hi,

I'm Sarirue. I believe my Mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She goes through my things and barges into my room without knocking. She goes on these long rants about how I'm just like my father, a liar and a loser, and how I'll end up being nothing. How all of the things she has done for me....etc. Oh, and here is the 'fantastical fun' part: She controls my finances. The money I make, goes into our joined account. She is controling, selfish, vendictive, goes off on random tangents, and can be manipulative. She wants me to be an exact replica of her, along with trying to make be dependent on her. I am at my wits end. I am attending community college and still live with her. Any advice?

 

[pollypocket111]

can you leave home?
you need to seperate everything, and transfer your wage into another account. if she wants money for rent then give it to her, do it behind her back and you will face her wrath, but quite simple its a risk you need to make. 'he who holds the purse strings'
never let anyone have control of your money! under any circumstance no matter what the wonderful reason is... just don't do it. open another account... how did you get into that position?
I struggle to accept a 'favvour' of my mother, she always throws it back into my face...

 

[Sarirue]

Thanks for replying, pollypocket111 :Shakes head: I foolishly gave my mother my first paycheck, and it has been downhill ever since. My paycheck goes to the car/car insurance(which will be payed off by the end of this year) She said that she may or may not give the car; it depends on how 'generous' she feels.:facepalm:

It's not really a favor if she throws it back in your face.

 

[pollypocket111]

dont be hooked into it. And stand your ground.
my mother is violent, so i'm petrified of saying anything to her, its her way or the high way... and she always gets what she wants.
ooooh i would be so frustrated.
dont pay for it, you may as well get finance... i've learnt not rely on my mum for anything... i recently thought i could trust her... and she let me down again.... bigstyle... wonders why i'm soo angry... obviously i cant vent, that would result in a black eye.

 

[Sarirue]

My mother can get violent as well. I received a 66 on a math test (Which can be replaced by our final). She found out, barged into my room, and preceded to drag me out of bed, and began to beat me over the head. (Keep in mind that I'm 20-years-old) Oh, and I'm 'grounded' At 20-years-of-age.:facepalm:I'm terrified that I will end up becoming just like her. (Narcissism tends to breed Narcissism)

:Gives pollypocket111 a hug:

If she lays a hand on you, call the police.

 

[pollypocket111]

same to you though,
she last belted me when i was 17, but i watched her beat my sister up at the side of the road on her 21st birthday.... sat there thinking... you dare do that to me... she also used to call scapegoat fat, everyday... she did it to me.... i starved myself... so she wouldnt say it again. she didnt. mind you though, i'm sure she has said that behind my back.
i suppose it helps that i've watched it happen to siblings, are you an only child?

 

[Sarirue]

In a way: Yes and No. My parents divorced when I was five. My father hooked-up with another woman, and got her pregnant. Resulting in my half-brother. He lives with his mother. I am my mother's only child. She recently re-married and now I have two step-brothers from my step-father's previous marriage.

There was a point in time that I didn't eat. (Due to an unrelated issue) She spanked me to get me to eat something. Now that I have a healthy appetite, she says I eat to much, I'm too fat...etc.

It helps a little if you develop a filter. Everytime she starts talking...I imagine the parents from Charlie Brown. "Wom womp wom womp...."

 

[rhnd]

Seriously, you guys need to MOVE OUT!! I lived with a narcissistic, abusive mother also. I had an eating disorder in college and the therapist the doctor sent me to after I fainted in public convinced me I HAD to move out and stay out of that house (I was coming home over the summers from college). There was a huge, scary scene when I said I wasn't coming home for the summer, and finances were awful. I found a tiny apartment and had a roommate, and ate only spaghetti, potatoes and onions for a while, but it was totally worth it. It is worth it to live without the fear and anger.

You said you were looking for advice, so if I were just telling you what to do, here's what I would suggest: as a first step, look on the bulletin boards at the community college for people looking for roommates. Start calling those people. Tell your mother that there was a delay in getting your paycheck and take the check somewhere else (a totally different bank) and deposit it. Go to the community college's mental health center and sign up for a therapist. Again, just suggestions as a starting place.

Rhonda

 

[pollypocket111]

Seriously, you guys need to MOVE OUT!! I lived with a narcissistic, abusive mother also. I had an eating disorder in college and the therapist the doctor sent me to after I fainted in public convinced me I HAD to move out and stay out of that house (I was coming home over the summers from college). There was a huge, scary scene when I said I wasn't coming home for the summer, and finances were awful. I found a tiny apartment and had a roommate, and ate only spaghetti, potatoes and onions for a while, but it was totally worth it. It is worth it to live without the fear and anger.

You said you were looking for advice, so if I were just telling you what to do, here's what I would suggest: as a first step, look on the bulletin boards at the community college for people looking for roommates. Start calling those people. Tell your mother that there was a delay in getting your paycheck and take the check somewhere else (a totally different bank) and deposit it. Go to the community college's mental health center and sign up for a therapist. Again, just suggestions as a starting place.

Rhonda

i second that!!!
i ran off after she belted me. she lost all control of me that niight. and now i'm back... and a whole load of manipulation dragged me and my new family back. and now i've realised.... and oh boy has it hit me hard!!!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I have to say that I have some concerns about the way this thread and some other similar threads are evolving that I think merit a caution.

I see a tendency to start by asking the question, "Does my mother have Narcissistic Personality Disorder?" or stating, "I think my mother may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder", and then subsequent posts seem to accept that as a diagnosis or assume it's correct.

Reading the first post in this thread, I don't see anything that would lead to even a tentative diagnosis of NPD. Rather, what I see is a not uncommon example of parent-child conflict, with the "child" (adolescent or young adult) striving for greater independence and the parent resisting that for various reasons. This would likely benefit from family counselling or some other form of counselling for either mother or child or both but I think jumping to a diagnosis is at best premature.

The problem with self-diagnosis or other-diagnosis by individuals not trained in differential diagnosis is that it can become a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. And the bottom line is it's dangerous and foolish.

I see a similar trend in threads here lately about PTSD and dissociation. Please proceed cautiously with unofficial diagnoses.

 

[rhnd]

Sorry. had no intention of doing anything dangerous or foolish. Having been in a situation with a hugely controlling person, I was offering suggestions that helped me. I'll leave it to the professionals from now on. Sorry.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I wasn't commenting on your post specifically, rhnd. I was commenting on the whole thread and a few others recently on NPD and dissociation.

 

[Thehurtstopshere]

Well said, i am glad that i read this before actually posting or responding as its easy to get caught up in pure emotion at seeing your lifes hurts explained and revealing...but we must remember that these situations are emotionally charged enough already and proceed with caution, thanks.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Yes, it's prudent to at least go to therapy (if not with the whole family, then by yourself) and if a professional psychologist is certain your mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, that's when for sure you could start acting and doing what you need to do.

I try not to jump to the conclusion that when people ask or say their mothers have NPD or are Narcissists, but it's such a hot-button issue with me that I tend to jump in before making that reality-check.

If you are legally an adult though, I don't see why you can't at least put your own money into your own account. And if you truly want to protect yourself, and she's beating you or threatening you, you can also go through legal course (police, lawyer, statements from physician, etc). And if no one wants to go to family therapy, I would recommend getting validation on your own by going yourself. At least if this is dangerous for you, save yourself if you can't save anyone else.