Need advice about emotional abuse

[wheelchairdemon]

What do you do when the abuser is your family and they have written letters to your doctor, accused you of being a drug addict, and your doctor no longer believes a word that you say because your brother and dad have status? My brother has a supervisory role with the OPP and my father is a former provincial court judge.

I will never be able to banish the falsehoods that were said about me even though it happened in 1998. In 2004, I was cut off mental health supports because I successfully managed to wean myself off all the psychiatric medication, but the stigma still remains. I can't get pain treatment, emotional support, or physical support for my disability that now requires me to use a wheelchair. I now get periods of depression that is caused by the barriers and the feeling of being overwhelmed by the barriers preventing me from being fully able to take part in society. I am hypersensitive when someone says it is too costly to remove barriers, or the wheelchair is too inconvenient to accommodate, and so I am left out.

I do nothing; no work, paid or volunteer, no social or recreational activities, nothing. This is because my family has also said the wheelchair is only being used to get attention; that the disability is not real.

Here is the letter to show what led to the emotional abuse from both my family and the medical profession.

Yesterday when I left your apartment I felt very uncomfortable. I felt sorry for you because of the confrontation you had been subjected to, however I also know it had to be done.

I have a couple of thoughts that I want to share with you, for what they?re worth.

First of all I hope that you don?t use yesterdays confrontation to feel sorry for yourself but rather treat it as a catalyst for some positive change in your life. Second of all I want you to know that I care about you and only wish to see an end to the progressive self-destruction that I have observed for years.

Change needs to start with you. You have to stand on your own two feet (both literally and figuratively) and take responsibility for yourself and your actions. I believe you have developed a problem with prescription drugs, in fact I believe that you are addicted to them. You are the only one that knows for sure. If I?m right you need to stand up to that right now, admit it to yourself and your doctor and take the steps necessary to fix the problem.

I also believe that many of the physical ailments that you suffer are not real and are nothing but a charade manufactured to facilitate and legitimize the issue and use of the drugs. I know some of the ailments are real but I believe are a direct result of pumping your body full of chemicals that shouldn?t be there.

Mom and Dad can no longer be subjected to the heartache and stress caused by watching they?re only daughter self-destruct. Dad can no longer push you and your wheel chair around when it is not necessary. Mom can no longer be used as a scapegoat for all that has happened in the past. Mom and Dad do not deserve to be lied to, deceived or used as they have been up until now.

I am prepared to do whatever is necessary to ensure that their exposure to this type of abuse is over.

From this point on the choice is yours. Decide to end the charade and accept responsibility for your actions and I will support you all the way. Look for a way to blame someone else and deflect the responsibility and you are on your own.

You are not alone, you are my sister and I will do whatever I can to help. I will not however be used or deceived.

Call me whenever you need to. Call collect if you have to.

Keep the communication lines open and move on to positive change.

When the health care system listens to family, more than me, because I am disabled, and they are professions that hold more status than me as a disabled person who is not working, I am in a trap.

I am surviving, but I know I need help; help that I can't get in Kingston anymore. My family doctor is willing to refer me out of town, but she's having trouble finding someone to send me to. Because of the extent of the emotional pain I've been through, she wants to proceed with caution.

Does anyone have any idea who she can refer me to in Toronto or Ottawa? Being on ODSP, I can't afford to pay over and above OHIP.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: Need advice about emotional abuse.

I"m sorry you've been through so much. I don't know of anyone who she could refer you to. I hope she can find someone soon.

 

[Retired]

Re: Need advice about emotional abuse.

who she can refer me to in Toronto or Ottawa?

What type of consultant or service are you seeking a referral for? Physician, specialist, counseling, rehabilitation?

What is your ultimate goal, is it to become self sufficient, employed and independent from your family? Do you hope to live in a differnt place, away from the influences of your family or are there obligations that keep you where you are?

 

[wheelchairdemon]

Re: Need advice about emotional abuse.

This is a hard one to answer. I warn you, answering this question will cause me to ramble because of insecurities.

I have done psychological testing and all the mental illness diagnoses were ruled out. There were 8 that were added as a form of stigmatization.

I believe I am not mentally ill, but when I don't respond well to barriers or I try to seek services that will open the door to a life, and others say I can't do it because of the wheelchair, I start to self-doubt. I also self-doubt when people ask me why so-and-so can manage in their wheelchair without the barrier removal and I can't.

The answer, as I see it, is they have family support, enough income to buy a vehicle, and help in the home. But the response when I say that, is I have to learn to live within my means and stay home.

To me that is ridiculous, so I get depressed, animated, and start dishing out laws - human rights laws, e-laws, and the Accessibility for Ontarian's with Disabilities Act. That only gets me in trouble.

Medically, I was told years ago that with physiotherapy and pain control I may be able to walk, but referrals to Kingston have resulted in an out-and-out refusal to take me. The reason cited is I have a mental illness and would be better to see a psychiatrist.

I'm in a trap. I think the best thing to do would be to see a therapist in another city who could let me talk long enough to learn my full background, determine if I have a mental illness or not, and then help to direct me into some appropriate quality of life activities. I feel trapped in Kingston and, although I keep busy, I am not included in anything.

I hope this makes sense.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: Need advice about emotional abuse.

I think going outside your city is a good idea where there is no outside input from anyone but you. Another opinion does not hurt either. I don't understand why you cannot get help for your physical well being it has nothing to do with your mental well being. Definietly go else where to get the help you need the support you need okay Belleville hospital or even go towards Ottawa but go okay take care.

 

[wheelchairdemon]

Re: Need advice about emotional abuse.

Thanks Violet. Do you know the name of a good doctor I can go to in one of these cities?

My family doctor is willing to refer me to anywhere in the province. She just wants to err on the side of caution because of the extent of the emotional abuse I have been through so far. In other words, she doesn't want to inadvertently send me to someone who will not understand, and as a result, make matters worse.

Belleville hospital or even go towards Ottawa.

One other thing that may be relevent in this name search is the fact I use a wheelchair and live in a community where there is absolutely nothing to do socially or recreationally in the community. The YMCA and various exercise places are not accessible, I can't get an Access bus to the few that are (I have been on the waiting list for 2 years), I can't afford to pay even more than the $200 I'm already paying for the Access Bus to take on a volunteer job (especially when car owners are given $3 to exit a parking lot), and I'm an unskilled worker. This means that the only jobs I can apply for are in the retail and service sector and they either have shift work (with no accommodations for the hours of Access bus) or retail (which requires heavy lifting).

I have had 2 doctors label me as mentally ill because I was not coping well with doing absolutely nothing, and the social isolation, so it is for this reason that my doctor wants to make sure that whoever she refers me to, understands the impact of physical disability and exclusion because of the existence of too many barriers.

 

[forgetmenot]

No i am sorry i do not know any doctors to send you to I live near Toronto i would say go to CAMH it is a very large hospital that deals with mental illness but it is in Toronto you could try to contact someone there who could help. They have a website that has numbers you could call take care