Need advice

[goldensun]

i have been with my partner for 2 years and planning on living together in a couple of months. i love him a lot and things can be really good between us most of the times. we only get to see each other at weekends at the moment so we usually talk on the phone during the week.

The problem I'm having is that he can be quite nasty, if he gets angry with me, name calling. last week i was talking to him on the phone and just made a comment it wasn't anything nasty, nothing like that but he turned it in to some really big argument. he kept calling me all through the night shouting at me and saying it was my fault he didn't sleep all night. i didn't argue back with him because when he gets like that he wont listen to anything i have to say. cut long story short, i did end up going to his place the next day. he came and picked me up. i was worried that he might still been angry but he came across on the phone that he would have calmed down by then, but after i got in his van and while he was driving he became really nasty, shouting and pulling me and pointing his finger right in my face. when he gets like that i just look a head and don't say anything because he scares me when hes like that. when we got back to his place he started coming right up to my face, shouting and pulling me about and throwing things about.

The problem is he did that the weekend before but next day he said he was really sorry for being really nasty and he did seem genuinely sorry. but with him being like that again the following weekend has made me not knowing what to do now . plus nasty stuff he has said to me while hes been angry, really hurtful. he has even came to my house 2 am in the morning banging and shouting on my door because i unplugged my phone and went to bed early because i was tired and had a headache. when i opened to the door he pulled me out side just shouting calling me a slut and making out i had some other bloke in the house. he always says he would never hit me but I'm not so sure now.

I do love him a lot but feel really unhappy about how things have gone . i would like to talk to him properly about how I'm feeling, especially about being worried about moving in with him. but I'm worried about saying the wrong thing and getting him angry because i have told him i do want to be with him which i do but for the last couple of weeks I've been really worried about things. sorry for going on. there are other things as well but it would take to long to write them.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: need advice

Hi Goldensun from what i read this is verbal abuse and can quickly turn into physical abuse. I can't tell you what to do but i don't think moving in with this person is the wise thing. If he can do this to you in public i hate to see what he can do behind close doors. No absolutely no, not unless this person is willing to get anger management i say stay clear. You deserve better please think it over before committing to anyone that has a control issue. take care mary

 

[Charity]

Re: need advice

Hey goldensun,

I'm afraid I have to agree with Mary-- this is NOT a situation you want to put yourself into. No matter how much you love each other, no matter how good the good times are, no matter how sorry he is afterwards-- he is being abusive to you, and that's never, ever okay! It can be very hard to get out of an abusive situation once you're in it, and moving in together will only put you further at his mercy.

I don't mean to say that it's hopeless. If he cares about you and the relationship, he should be willing to get the help he needs in managing his temper before you two commit to living together. Unfortunately, it usually seems to be the case that abuse will escalate rather than lessen. Today it may be words... down the road it could be much more.

Coming to your house late at night to accuse you of things that aren't true, yelling and intimidating you, calling over and over to yell some more... these are all ABUSE. I don't mean to be harsh by saying that; I just want to make sure you see things as they are. Lots of people put up with things they shouldn't because they're blinded by the love they feel, or the hope that the abuser will eventually get it under control and stop. The sad truth is that it often doesn't work out that way.

Yes, absolutely, you two need to have a very serious conversation about this. I hesitate in saying that, though, because the very mention of the subject could easily set off his short temper. And him saying that he'd never hit you means next to nothing; I myself and many, many others have been physically assaulted by people who had sworn that they could never actually hit them. I just know a little too much about how easy it is to be lured into a false sense of security.

Please be safe! Jeez, I feel bad, like I'm just trying to scare you or badmouth him or something-- I'm really not, I swear. And I hope I haven't offended you. I know it sounds like I'm talking badly about the person you love dearly. I don't doubt that he loves you or that you two can be happy together-- it's just that abuse is abuse, no matter how great things may be otherwise. If he's the absolute perfect man 364 days out of the year and abuses you on the 365th, he's still an abuser, and it's not right for you to have to live in fear of the next outburst.


Take care of yourself....

 

[Into The Light]

i know you love him but this is indeed abuse and it will indeed only escalate. don't move in with him, and i would break it off with him.

 

[goldensun]

Re: need advice

Hi Mary. Thanks for the repliy. Yes, I think thats what the main problem is he likes to be in control with nearly everything. Sometimes I feel like i'm a little kid that he talks to and should be doing has im told. Which I usually do anyway.

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Hi Charity. Thanks for the post. No dont worry, I dont see it has you bad mouthing him your just being totally honest. I really need to think hard about things at the moment

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Hi Into The Light. Thanks for reply. That's what i'm worried about it geting worse. Whenever he gets angry about somthing, I do need to have a really good think about things. Because at the moment im just confused about everything. Plus nasty things he has said to me. Thre weeks ago i had a misscariage. I was called a slut for loosing the baby and told it was my fault that i lost it. I just dont understand how he can come out with hurtfull things like that. Especially if you love somone, especially when he knows I've been through misscariage before and a stilborn with a ex partner. I think thats the main thing thats geting to me at the moment nasty things he come out with.

 

[Into The Light]

just dont understand how he can come out with hurtfull things lik that especially if u love somone especially when he knows iv been through misscariage before and a stilborn with a ex partner

goldensun, i am sorry for your losses. that must be incredibly difficult to go through. i think that is one of the worst things that can happen in life is to lose a child, be it unborn or not.

if you love someone, you don't treat them the way he is treating you. you don't zero on on the most painful thing possible and use that against you to get you where it hurts most deeply and profoundly. and this is exactly what he is doing. this isn't love. this is power and control.

i know it gets confusing because there are good moments with him and where it all seems ok, but this is the cycle of abuse. first things are good, then he gets abusive, then things are back to being ok again and then you think, he's not such a bad man after all. but the back and forth of this constantly is what gets confusing, and makes it all the more difficult to see what's really going on.

there's an article on the forum that explains this cycle in more detail and it might be helpful for you to take a look: http://forum.psychlinks.ca/abuse-do...-the-cycle-of-abuse-in-domestic-violence.html

all that being said, i understand you can't just up and leave. typically it's not that simple, because you love him, and there may be other reasons too (fear of what will happen if you do leave being one of them). you are at an advantage because you aren't living together yet. if you were, it would be more difficult to leave. so for now, don't move in with him, and work on becoming ready to leave.

do you have any emotional support from friends and family?

 

[white page]

Hi Goldensun ,
I agree with all the comments here so far, I am now going to say a couple of things ,

It isn't going to improve, and this is all too often and tragically the prelimenaries to physical violence; this pattern of nastiness followed with the remorse the following day until the inevitable next time, is a classic behaviour pattern of abuse.

all that being said, i understand you can't just up and leave. typically it's not that simple, because you love him, and there may be other reasons too (fear of what will happen if you do leave being one of them). you are at an advantage because you aren't living together yet. if you were, it would be more difficult to leave. so for now, don't move in with him, and work on becoming ready to leave.

I agree a 100% with Into the light , don't move in with him,
Imagine a couple of scenarios, No 1. you are in bed together you say something totally innocent , like "have you locked the front door?" and he gets nasty , where do you escape to ? Do you move to the couch , no you don't because you know this will infuriate him even further . so you stay where you are, barely daring to breathe, can you cope with this fear of him losing it everytime you want to say something.

No 2 You are with friends and he turns nasty , humiliating you in front of your friends , you daren't speak up for yourself , not wanting to spoil the evening even further for your friends, this is will happen, often, until you have no friends left.

I know all this will happen as sure as I know that the sun rises each day. because I lived through this , it began the same way as your story, but because I thought I loved him I married him, and the verbal abuse turned to physical abuse, I was lucky because I eventually escaped, some women never do. Incidentally he did exactly the same to his second wife.
I know it is tough to hear this , but there is no way to say it gently.

I would turn to your friends for support when you feel you can leave this relationship.

take care please wp

 

[forgetmenot]

Please keep us posted goldensun as concerned for you. Please stay safe and just tell him you won't move in unless he gets anger management and councilling. Here for support take care mary.

 

[goldensun]

Hi Into The Light. Yes, it is hard because on one hand, I know he does love me and he would always be there for me and he would never let anyone hurt me. But on the other hand when he loses his temper he can be veary nasty. But he has said before to me that everything be fine when we are living togeather he says he just gets stressed. because im not there with him and him working all the time.

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Hi thanks Mary,

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Hi White Page. I have been talking to my best freind about it she has been really suportive. God I feel a right bitch, because i love him alot and i know he loves me and i know he wouldnt let eneyone hurt me what so ever, thats whats confussing. All i want to do is make him see. How worried i am about things.

 

[Jackie]

Not to sure where you are, but if your in the UK I would contact your local Womens Aid. Women's Aid - Homepage don't put up with it get some help now and take care.:hug:

 

[goldensun]

thanks shuttered

 

[Auburn]

Dear goldensun

I have been reading through the posts, and you have been given some good advice. I am only adding to it because I have been in your shoes, as well as watching it as a child. My father was exactly the same way, but he moved on to really terrible physical violence, which is often the way.

What I can tell you with absolute certainty is, it does NOT get better. Moving in with him is a very bad idea, once you are there, it is much harder to get back out. It goes from bad to worse.

I know that you love him, but what you have to think of is, do you really want to spend your life fending off verbal assaults? Or possibly physical assaults? And, what I can also tell you is this, if it escalates into physical violence, a child is just as good a target as you are. This I know from personal experience.

I am not trying to be too harsh, but I feel so strongly about this. To be truly loved by someone means that they cherish you, and take care of you. You said you knew he would never let anyone hurt you. But yet he hurts you. You deserve sooooo much more. Please, oh please, don't move in with him yet. Try to let him know how you feel about his tirades. If he truly loves you, he won't just apologize, he will do whatever it takes to find a way to control his anger.

You have such a hard decision to make, and I know that sometimes love clouds our better judgement, but please, take care of you and do what is best for you.

I am thinking of you, and sending you as much positive energy as I can muster! Brightest blessings dear one.

 

[boi]

hi goldensun
I agree with everything everyone is saying. I just wanted to add that I have been in your shoes as well and I did move in with him. 2 days before I was supposed to move I realized it was a mistake. But unfortunetly due to circumstances I had no choice but to move in with him. It was not good. There was verbal abuse, he would fabricate lies and accuse me of things I hadn't done. Fighting everyday trying to defend myself. It wasnt fun. When I moved out he saw me and he got physical and that was after we broke up and I had already moved out. If its happening before moving in then if you do move in it will be worse and you dont deserve that. Take care.

 

[goldensun]

Hi Auburn, hi Boi. Thanks for reply. It's hard to think straight about things especially when you love somone. At the moment everything seems to be going good. We just spent nice weekend together. I'm hoping he realised now that how he acted with me before, is that I wont put up with it again. If he gets like that again with me because he knows all. I want is just to be happy with him and he said thats what he wants has well.

 

[NicNak]

Hi Goldensun. I urge you to be careful. This type of cycle in a relationship can get us caught up very easily with their manipulation.

I am sorry to say, but no matter what, NO ONE should speak to you the way he has.

I too was in an abusive relationship for three years and caught in the cycle of manipulation.

Take a peek at this artical. http://forum.psychlinks.ca/abuse-do...ence-we-mistakenly-believe-that-he-cares.html