need advice

[sjenk128]

My husband is normally a quite shy and sensitive guy and I felt would probably make a better girl than a guy. Recently he began recovering memories of abuse sexually (repeated sexual abuse almost nightly over several years) and physically by his father when he was a young boy. The things his father did to him were horrible. I have gotten him into therapy but since all this came out, it seems to really have put a strain on our marriage. I feel that the male/female roles have been reversed moreso than before. He is much more shyer than before, especially around other guys. His sensitivity has increased and it doesn't take him much to cry. I have to comfort him when he gets emotional and crys. He has no guy friends to hang out with. He never initiates or wants to have sex (usually I am the one to initiate any sexual advances which is usually worthless because he has developed a sexual dysfunction). He is easily spooked by everything and will not think twice about running to me for protection. Finally, like many a girl, has found comfort being around, caring for and riding horses. I know that childhood sexual (as well as other types) of abuse will really mess someone up and that my husband is not gay (as we are a heterosexual couple) but I thought that getting into therapy is supposed to help him get over it instead of making it worse. How long will this last and does it eventually get better because I need a husband and not a 'girl friend' -SJ

 

[sjenk128]

My husband is normally a quite shy and sensitive guy and I felt would probably make a better girl than a guy. Recently he began recovering memories of abuse sexually (repeated sexual abuse almost nightly over several years) and physically by his father when he was a young boy. The things his father did to him were horrible. I have gotten him into therapy but since all this came out, it seems to really have put a strain on our marriage. I feel that the male/female roles have been reversed moreso than before. He is much more shyer than before, especially around other guys. His sensitivity has increased and it doesn't take him much to cry. I have to comfort him when he gets emotional and crys. He has no guy friends to hang out with. He never initiates or wants to have sex (usually I am the one to initiate any sexual advances which is usually worthless because he has developed a sexual dysfunction). He is easily spooked by everything and will not think twice about running to me for protection. Finally, like many a girl, has found comfort being around, caring for and riding horses. I know that childhood sexual (as well as other types) of abuse will really mess someone up and that my husband is not gay (as we are a heterosexual couple) but I thought that getting into therapy is supposed to help him get over it instead of making it worse. How long will this last and does it eventually get better because I need a husband and not a 'girl friend' -SJ

 

[David Baxter PhD]

In our society, males are socialized to supress/repress "weaker" emotions like fear, anxiety, etc., while girls are more often encouraged to express such feelings.

It's not that your husband has become a "girl" -- it's that as he addresses these feelings that are related to childhood abuse, helplessness, powerlessness, etc., he may be temporarily triggered into regressing to an earlier age. It won't be permanent and it has nothing to do with sexual orientation -- it's part of PTSD.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

In our society, males are socialized to supress/repress "weaker" emotions like fear, anxiety, etc., while girls are more often encouraged to express such feelings.

It's not that your husband has become a "girl" -- it's that as he addresses these feelings that are related to childhood abuse, helplessness, powerlessness, etc., he may be temporarily triggered into regressing to an earlier age. It won't be permanent and it has nothing to do with sexual orientation -- it's part of PTSD.