Need help understanding my feelings please

[marieduard]

Hi all

I've been in a relationship with a man for about 2 years now. We love each other and he is a very nice and special man.

For a while now I've been chatting with a man online from another country. We contacted because of some common interests and shared our thoughts and knowledge on that. We began sharing and talking really a lot with each other. At first I didn't even reply to his emails very often, but, in time, I got so "addicted" that I could not spend one day without talking to him. I really began enjoying those moments. He made me feel really happy.. and our conversations were "normal" (that is, we were not flirting or having any type of romantic conversation). This was a type of amazing happiness. Really, I can't remember feeling so happy like this! And I have my boyfriend, and yes.. we are in situations were I should feel happier, but the truth is I don't.

Talking to that other man made me feel happier and stronger than ever! Before I knew it, i guess, I was having romantic feelings over him. And, when I least expected, that man confessed he was feeling so bad because he was having feelings about me (and he knows I'm commited)! I realize this is an "unreal" feeling, because we don't actually know each other... so we are idealizing one another and completing the missing parts the way we like. However, it still feels a life with him would be soo amazing! Well, because we value the same little things in life which, in the end, are the most important.

The other day i did something crazy. I told my bf I wanted to go (alone) to the country where this other man lives! He freaked out (with reason, of course, what the hell was I thinking?! )... Somehow, he realized I was feeling happy in a way I should be feeling with him instead! He realized also that the greatest moment of my day was talking to that other man...

Also, this man is 5 years younger than me! Even if all this was possible and simple, there would be this huge age difference

I don't know how to cope with all this! What do you think?
I just feel i really wanted to go and meet him, even if we'd just be friends.. I really like him and would like to have him in my life, even in a non-romantic way.
Since my bf confronted me, I feel lost... the other man is away now and I can't feel that happiness anymore. So, my soul is all messed up... Since my bf told me it was all just ridiculous and that I shouldn't have those feelings, I kind of believed in him and started to be more rational (?) and trying to focus on him instead of the stranger... But still, I wonder... He made me so happy.. what if...?

Thanks in advance!

 

[rdw]

Even though you begin your post with the statement that you love your boyfriend, you end it by saying that there is something missing in your relationship. You may possibly consider examining your feelings and plans for the future before pinning your happiness on someone you know only through the internet. I think you already know the answer to your question - you just may be afraid of that answer.

 

[Daniel E.]

I realize this is an "unreal" feeling, because we don't actually know each other... so we are idealizing one another and completing the missing parts the way we like. However, it still feels a life with him would be soo amazing! Well, because we value the same little things in life which, in the end, are the most important.

I would strongly agree that you have a lot of overidealization, which you natually seem to be aware of more intellectually than emotionally.

Also, the honeymoon phase of any relationship is going to only dissipate in its drug-like effects. For example, so-called "love sickness" that is often typical in the honeymoon period of relationships has been compared to OCD and bipolar disorder.

Similarly:

When you have a crush on someone, you will be crushed. That's why they call it a crush. You crush reality out of the other person by seeing them through the eyes of fantasy, while you crush your own self-worth. Face it: Crushes buy you a ticket to a wild emotional roller-coaster ride. For every giddy rush you experience, you will soon be plummeting. Mr. Right smiles at you and you are in heaven; the next day he looks the other way and you are in hell. And you call this a relationship? You wrap your soul in a little package, hand it to someone you don't even know, and instruct them, "Here, do with this as you wish."

Crushes stay in force only from a distance. It is easy to make a god out of a movie star, rock idol, sports hero, girl in the class above you, executive across the hall, someone else's spouse, or amorphous cyberspace fantasy lover. But if you spent time on a daily basis with your idol, you would discover they are a real person, just like you. You would find things you like about them and things you don't like. He compares you to his former lovers and picks his toenails at the kitchen table. She has morning breath and unresolved father issues. In a short time your fantasy lover crashes from Mount Olympus to Brooklyn. Ah, now you can have a real relationship, built from the earth up instead of heaven down. And along the way you will discover your own worth, intrinsic in you rather than bestowed by them.

Why Your Life Sucks by Alan Cohen - Read an Excerpt

---------- Post added at 08:08 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:27 PM ----------

Also, this thread reminds me of something from your post in 2009:

Is it possible to love two guys at once?

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/18658-should-i-end-a-7-year-relationship.html#post139335

So I wonder if there is a pattern (just maybe) -- though I don't know what the pattern would be. You did mention that, at least at one point, you were diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. If that is the case, then it would be surprising if you did not have some recurring relationship issues: http://forum.psychlinks.ca/borderline-personality-disorder/26980-borderline-personality-disorder-relationship-recovery-101-a.html


---------- Post added at 10:41 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:08 PM ----------

Even though you begin your post with the statement that you love your boyfriend, you end it by saying that there is something missing in your relationship.

And to add to what RDW is saying, I find it interesting that your current post is in some ways similar to your post in 2009 -- you said you loved your boyfriend but seemed to be also saying that you really didn't like him enough anymore. So, again, I wonder if there is some pattern going on, e.g. from your current post:

And I have my boyfriend, and yes.. we are in situations were I should feel happier, but the truth is I don't.

So the question is then why you don't feel happier with your boyfriend, as RDW is saying. And I have no idea if your expectations of what a romantic relationship should be like are too high or too low or whatever. It's also possible that it may help if you socialize more outside of your romantic relationship(s), such as spending more time with girlfriends or getting more friends. But certainly seeing a therapist would be ideal for helping you figure things out, especially since you have said that you have an underlying disorder.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I agree with Daniel and RDW; and having kind of been in your shoes...

May I suggest that instead of running away from your discontent with your current boyfriend that you actually sit down (preferably with a therapist if you have trouble/are scared of verbalizing your issues) and discuss why you have something empty that isn't being filled. Is it because you isolate yourself with this boyfriend and don't go out and socialize otherwise? Does he work long hours and leave you feeling lonely? Do you just always have this aching loneliness deep down inside you that is something you need to deal with in order to be happy in your present situation?

Because some people flit from one relationship to the next, but never feel fully satisfied. Because sometimes it isn't the boyfriend or the situation, it might be something inside yourself, especially when you have a pattern (I am the queen of patterns, which is why I'm just pointing out this is a possibility). But it doesn't mean anything is "wrong" or that you are a bad person, it just means you have some things that you aren't addressing that need to be looked after.

Here's hoping you find what you need. *hugs*

 

[marieduard]

Hi again. Just want to thank you all for your feedback.. And Daniel in particular, for all the time and trouble in "retro-analysis"

I shall ponder on your words better, because, right now, I can only feel emptiness and sadness...
I think I just wanted to go there so much. I love travelling (while my bf can live without it) and, yes, i could use some adventure and socializing i guess... Would it be so wrong to go to a foreign country alone and meet this guy? I really don't know what to do. I do agree it's about me and not the partner I'm with.. I guess i expected to find someone who would fill the voids, but perhaps that someone simply does not exist (myself?).

 

[Daniel E.]

I guess i expected to find someone who would fill the voids, but perhaps that someone simply does not exist (myself?).

That seems exactly right:

The vacuum that some people strive so assiduously to avoid is really a "vacuum of self." When we're not enough for ourselves (i.e., can't somehow fill our own vacuum), we can't help but focus our attention on what we can import into ourselves to feel more whole and complete. Another PT blogger, Robert W. Firestone, recently made a similar point in a post entitled Emotional Hunger Vs. Love. As he put it, emotional hunger is the "pain and longing which people often act out in a desperate attempt to fill a void or emptiness." When people precipitantly get into unhealthy relationships, it's almost always to keep at bay some inner void they only vaguely understand. But to try to get from without what we haven't yet learned to give ourselves from within is almost always an exercise in futility.

Of course, there's nothing wrong in striving to fulfill ourselves by pursuing people and things that might offer us what--personally--will afford us just the right degree of stimulation. As I stated earlier, although what is an optimal degree of stimulation varies with the individual, the basic need for such arousal is universal. And it's certainly worthy of respect. But we still need to carefully monitor our behavior to ensure that our requirement for stimulation doesn't ultimately end up jeopardizing our health or peace of mind...

To conclude, if you're harboring some ambivalence about making a decision, most of the time it will be in your best interest not to until you're able to resolve this ambivalence. At the very least, you might ask yourself the question, "Am I driven to do this because I'm desperate to fill a void inside me?" If the answer is "yes," or "probably," I'd suggest--before going any farther--that you talk to others. . . . Or, if at all possible, go within and consult your own wiser, more prudent self.

Human Nature Abhors a Vacuum, Too | Psychology Today

 

[rdw]

Perfect answer Daniel!
Our happiness always lies within ourselves - sometimes it is difficult to accept that idea or be able to find it there. It is the thoughts - I would be happier if... or How come everyone else is happy and I am not - that lead us to make decisions that are not in our best interests or to fill the internal void. Good luck with your decision

 

[marieduard]

Thanks once again for your replies.

I tend, most oftenly, to feel like an empty shell. It's like i don't have feelings or thoughts of my own. That is, I go with the flow of my life... And that flow is sometimes led my others. If someone pulls me one way, I'll probably go that way... (within certain boundaries of course, I'm not that weak minded!). I'm trying to say is that, if someone says my thoughts are ridiculous and silly, I believe them. So, I drop them. And I feel I do this a lot along life... Therefore I'm left with nothing but an empty vessel. I cannot have true feelings of my own, I cannot know what i want, what i feel! It's like I'm an impartial player... Whatever is good for them will be good for me.

I don't like talking about patterns, because I think, once we believe we are following one, perhaps our moves will tend to do exactly it. On the other hand, you could be right. I could be following a pattern. A pattern where I keep looking for that fulfillment and then get disappointed when it's not coming from my partner. However, I have no idea how or where do I get that fulfillment. Ok, it depends on me.. but how? I guess i need to do something/go somewhere.. whatever.. It would require some action to understand my feelings and to fill my voids. I just don't know what it is! Also, I have no strength at all... I just see life passing by, day after day... and I want nothing. Nothing... I have no prospects for the future, no dreams, no nothing.. Besides, could I ever trust my feelings? If one day what seems true, the next day isn't?

So, this was why I valued so much this online guy I guess... Because in my grey state of mind, he can make me feel happy. Feelings have no rational reason... It's just the way I feel. Even in a non romantic way... it's just how I feel. And, since it's so hard for me to ever actually want something, I thought it could have a meaning the fact that I really wanted go there. Perhaps that stimulus I needed to encounter my true self... I don't know...

Yesterday I asked bf again about going there (yes, am I stupid?). I don't know how I should feel about it... Am I a person with no moral? Really... I understand my bf. If he asked me to go alone to a foreign country meet a girl he is fond of.. how would I feel? Hurt, abondoned, betrayed... ?! Still, I asked him like it was the most normal thing in the world... I longed to have such an experience. To feel independent, to be able to do something on my own without having someone there to rely on... Finding my way.. being with a friend I appreciate. Having a good time... I hardly ever thing about having a good time for myself. This guy made me think about myself and made me want to be happy. I never think about happiness.... I think (yeah yeah) I'll never trully achieve it..

I don't know. I've had other relationships. I've met other people online. Most of the time, when they even suggest meeting in person I just stop talking to them! That was not something I was looking for... Therefore, this guy is making me feel/act against my "normal" self... that's why it surprised me. I'm not saying I love him. Perhaps I'm not really even in love with him (just about the "idea" of him.. or not even that). Perhaps there's no romanticism here at all... just something else. A need of a friendship, a need of travelling, a need of talking about things that are not important to my bf but are to me, a need of going... of not standing where I am, because here... I'm just an empty shell.. coming and going with the tides.

 

[Always Changing]

a need of talking about things that are not important to my bf but are to me, a need of going... of not standing where I am, because here... I'm just an empty shell.. coming and going with the tides.

Here you have a self refferal to a therapist. it's a realistic safer option than travelling to a foreign country to meet with online friend, right now.