Need help with talking to my son

[Speed6 Guy]

So this is my first post and it is more of a cry for help.


I have three kids and a fianc?. We have been together for 6 years. My oldest son is now 11 my middle son is 5 and my daughter is 2.

My Problem is this. My fianc? use to be an exotic dancer 4 years ago. My children have never known about the dancing nor do I think they needed to know. Last week my almost sister-in-law told her kids (son 10 daughter 8 and son 5) that there aunt use to dance. I find this to be very private information that she should not have told her children. She rationalized this by saying? Well if she didn?t want people to know she shouldn?t have done it?.

I am now stuck with the question do I tell my oldest son or don?t I. His cousins now know and they will tell him. I am leaning toward telling him but that leads me to how do I tell him?

Any thoughts on how I can approach this?

 

[Budoaiki]

Re: Need help with talking to my son.

Well, I think it would definitely be better for you to tell him than for him to hear it from his cousins first and then have to deal with the questions that would undoubtedly arise after the fact.
Perhaps doing it with her there might be best although it might be uncomfortable she would probably be more comfortable answering the questions you might not want or be able to.
I would suggest discussing this with her first of course so that it can be handled properly and perhaps getting her feelings about having had that type of vocation might help your approach of the situation and ease the apprehension for both of you.

 

[Mari]

Re: Need help with talking to my son.

H! Speed6Guy, I agree with Budoaiki and would say that this comes under 'the facts of life' which at age 11 your son is certainly ready to deal with. Well, not necessarily ready but it does come with the age. The younger children probably do not need very much information on this so they could be tucked in bed when the conversation takes place. With my sons I think I took the approach that this was a special conversation as a part of growing up. :goodluck: Mari

 

[ladylore]

Re: Need help with talking to my son.

I have nothing really to add, except that I am glad you posted and officially - welcome to Psychlinks.

 

[Speed6 Guy]

Re: Need help with talking to my son.

I have talked with my fiance and she was just as lost as I was. I thought it may even be a little easier if just her and my son spoke. But she is very protective and is having a hard time coming up with words to use. Thanks for the quick replies everyone.



On a side note. I never thought being a parent would be as hard as it is yet as rewarding all at once.

 

[Retired]

Re: Need help with talking to my son.

I agree with the others who advised telling your son yourself. Children should be given information on a need to know basis as they grow up, so younger children would need and understand less detail than their older siblings.

If there were extenuating circumstances, you may want to explain those, so your son gets some perspective. He should also be advised on how to handle any ridicule or teasing from other kids, so he's prepared.

It might be a good time to discuss some moral guidelines in accordance with your personal beliefs.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: Need help with talking to my son.

hie Speed 6 Guy im glad you have come here for support i also think talking with your son about this situation should come from you in this way he will understand what he is hearing from others what is truth and what is not take care Mary

 

[white page]

Re: Need help with talking to my son.

:welcome2: Speed Guy ,

I agree with everyone else on this one, It is best your son hears the truth now ,
good luck with the talk. maybe try to talk about it in a non dramatic way , talking maybe about the errors of judgement one makes in life .
keep us posted about how it went , this would help other parents faced with similar situations . I had a browse on the net looking for articles on this sort of parental issue but didn't find anything , apart from telling the truth about adoption and death . all the articles agreed on one thing , it is very important to
tell the truth to children and not to hide ' family secrets' as children always sense that there is a taboo subject and end up fantasizing and imagining something far worse than the simple truth .
best wishes wp

 

[Speed6 Guy]

Well we sat down and had the talk with my son last week. (Sorry for the late reply I am getting ready for a trip) We started out asking him What he knows about gentlemen’s clubs. He said what is that? We then explained what it was using the references of a girl dancing around a pole and men giving her tips to do so. Then a light went on in his head and he said “ooo you mean a stripper.” With much surprise we said yes that is another name for them. He told us ya they talked about those on the Gorge Lopez show (which is on the Disney station). We asked him if he had any questions about what that was and what it meant. He said nope. We also told him if ever had any questions he could come and talk to either of us any time. He said OK.

So I think it went very well. I have asked him a couple more times if he has any questions, with the same reply of nope. In the end I think he knew more then we thought he did. This leads me to believe I need to pay more attention to what he knows. Not to block the bad thing but to explain anything I can so he doesn’t have any misconceptions about what things are or what they mean.


Thanks again to everyone here for posting their thoughts.

-Nate

 

[texasgirl]

Speed 6 Guy,

Welcome to the forum! I am glad to hear that you had your talk. I was going to reply before that, in my experience in raising my own kids, they often know more than we do, whether we like it or not......:sigh:

But the good news often is that they take things in stride. Sounds like yall handled it very well.

Take care,

TG