Need Some Help

[texasgirl]

When I met with my therapist last week, he asked me to begin to put together a collection of memories from my earlies memory forward so that we can begin to establish a timeline and some cohesion around my life's history. I started to do so, but it is so incredibly hard. I start writing and am becoming more and more panicked and then start floating. I am shaking even as I write this - it's like your life takes away your ability to go on even if it's only recounting it. I keep hearing commands to stop, to be quiet, to shut up in my head and I am so afraid. It's like I'm programmed to shut up. I have never done this and I wanted to know if anyone else has had to do this and if this is what they went through. I feel so lost that I don't know how to cope anymore.

 

[ThatLady]

You might try some other method of getting these things into a cohesive form. Perhaps, it would be easier for you if you recorded them. Sometimes, it's easier to talk than to write because it can be a little more spontaneous without the requirement to think about how you're writing something. You can just sorta babble.

I've never really tried to do this myself, so I don't know if that will help. However, it was something that came to mind.

 

[texasgirl]

Thank you, TL. I think maybe I could if I had something to record on. I didn't realize that it would be this hard. It's just too much. Even what I know and with all the years of gaps it's too much.

 

[ThatLady]

You can actually get a small recording device quite cheaply; or, perhaps, you could borrow one from someone. If you think that might help, it could be worth giving it a try. I'll bet WalMart has a little recorder for next to nothing.

 

[texasgirl]

I will go over there. Thank you again for your help.

 

[Halo]

Hi TG

I know that I once had to write my life history (and I was only 19 at the time) so I didn't think that it would be long. Boy was I wrong. It was pages and pages because more and more memories kept popping up and I became overwhelmed. What worked for me was to write a bit then take a break not feeling like I had to finish it in one or two sittings. When I started to feel overwhelmed, I would go and do something that distracted myself from my writings and come back to it when I felt stronger and safer. I at times even started jotting down point form notes because the actual writing was too much. I figured that I could fill in the actual sentences later but getting the point form version on paper was a good start.

I also think that TL has a good idea about recording it.

Anyway, I know that doing this writing is going to be hard and overwhelming but I just thought I would let you know that I had to do it and survived.....although difficult.

Take care and you always have this forum to come to when feeling overwhelmed with the writings.

Big hugs :hug: :hug:

 

[texasgirl]

Thanks very much for your help on this. I actually thought that it would be no problem when I agreed to do it, especially since I don't have many memories from my childhood. Boy was I wrong about it being easy. Because I guess for my whole life I have had so much invested in not remembering anything (even if unconsciously), there is just as much invested in protecting myself from knowing what happened.

Anyway, it is a good idea to do whatever slowly. That's the other thing - good student that I am, I was prepared to have the whole "assignment" done. It occurs to me that I actually can give myself permission to do it at my own pace instead of complying with the assignment because someone told me to do it (no matter how well meant).

Yall are really helpful - with concrete advice and clearly from your own experience. Thank you again.