More threads by heartsfire

Situation: Where do I begin? I have been living with my fiance for 3 years now. His 21 year old son, who had been living on his own, called to tell us his girlfriend is pregnant. She just turned 18 years old. We weren't very thrilled to hear this but accepted their decision to keep the baby. Right after they found out about the pregnancy, he hurt his back at work, she dropped out of school with 1 month to go (stupid mistake), and they lost their apartment. Not only were they penniless, they were now homeless. My fiance and I immediately stepped in and told them they were welcome to come live with us and that we would help them in any way we possibly could. We paid to move them from Northern California down to Las Vegas and rearranged our apartment completely to accommodate them.

She was brought up as an only child although she has older siblings. Her nearest sibling is twice her age and was out of the house before she was able to walk. She was babied all of her life and in turn is extremely immature. My fiance's son isn't mature either believe me. They have been here for 2 weeks now and all they do is watch cartoons and play video games. She does not speak unless spoken to and when she does her immaturity is profound. She has issues with her mother, who from what I understand was always condescending and in turn gave the girl no self esteem what so ever. She has already expressed that living with her mother is not an option.

She is now 5 months pregnant and it doesn't seem to dawn on her that in 4 months she is going to have a baby to take care of. I have tried to talk to her about doctors, state aid, baby clothes, formulas, etc. I have tried to get her to understand that she has to make decisions and those decisions will directly affect someone else not her. When I talk to her all I get is a nod of the head and a "whatever you think is best". I don't know if she tells me this because I am ultimately the one paying for the diapers, clothes, formulas and so forth or if it is just that she is completely oblivious and doesn't care.

Today, we drove to a small town outside of Vegas to look at a house we want to purchase. She already has a problem with Las Vegas because it is a desert and is not lush and green like Northern California, where they moved from. The new house is perfect for the entire family: 6 bedrooms on an acre of land. We asked her over and over what she thinks and she just nodded and said she didn't like the color of the house. When she got back to the apartment she called her mother and blasted the place because it doesn't have grass for the baby to play. It was in the desert and she hates the fact everything is so dead here. She can not see the beauty of the desert and I know many people can't but she is concerned about where the baby will play which won't be possible till at least 16 months from now but she isn't at all concerned about what to feed the baby. It boggles my mind.

I want to talk to her, I want to explain that her priorities are so out of whack. I don't know how to approach her. My fiance's son can't even get into her head and find out what she is thinking. Right now we are all walking on eggshells around here because we are more afraid she will take off with the baby. That would break all of our hearts. The baby is the most important person in this right now. She isn't my child so for me it is difficult to figure out just the right way to approach her and let her know that we are not her enemy. I want her to know that we are here for her just as much as the baby and we want to help but she has to help us by being more vocal with her feelings. Does anyone have a suggestion of how I can talk to her?
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David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Your her boyfriend's mother and if she has issues with her own mother the behavior you are seeing may be more a reflection of her difficulty talking to or even trusting adults than a lack of substance or thought.

I wonder if it might be more successful to have her talk to a public health nurse or obstetric nurse -- even better, perhaps sign her and your son up for prenatal classes like the ones Lamaze and often local hospitals run. She may be more open to advice and direction and more willing to ask questions with someone who is not a "parent" to her.
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