On my mind

[Lonewolf]

Am a little preoccupied with suicidal thoughts again! I must admit it has been a while, but they have been pretty intense in the last day or two!! I still haven't got any decisions as to how the mental health team are going to help and ive lost the strength I need to keep on top of it!!

So, unfortunately for you guys, I've been come back to you to try to avoid acting on these urges to hurt myself or even to kill myself!! (It feels kind of safer here) Have had a struggle with a very low mood and hardly any enthusiasm to do anything, recently!! And the feeling as if nobody cares Is overpowering! Very suspicious of people and what they are actually thinking about me!! Also of people being kind, is there something they are not being honest with me, about! Are my friends, not really friends and are out to get whatever's useful!! Are they smiling at me, but are really angry and upset with me??

I know i shouldn't try to guess what people are feeling and thinking! I just can't help it!! I don't know who to trust and who I have to keep at arms length!! It's all very intimidating! Want to hide!!

I apologise for this! It probably sounds so pathetic!! I'm a wimp!! Wishing the ground would open up and swallow me whole!!

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: on my mind!!

I am sorry you're feeling this way. Is there anyone on the mental health team you can contact during this time? That sounds hard that things aren't really set up for you yet. Hang in there please! Your life is worth so much and there is hope. Thinking of you.

 

[Lonewolf]

Re: on my mind!!

The guy that's trying to sort things out is off sick alot!! And is at the moment! There isn't alot anyone else can do cos he's the one that needs to instigate the therapy, the increase in my meds and when the 'rape crisis therapy' can start! It's silly that it is down to the one person to kick it all off, but there you have it!! I do have a support worker i can talk to!! Although she seems very busy right now!! It all feels impossible to me!

 

[Cat Dancer]

Oh, that does sound hard. I am sorry. Try to talk with the one you can talk with and take it one moment at a time. You can get through this. Take care of yourself and treat yourself with kindness.

 

[forgetmenot]

the person that is off sick you cannot leave a msg for this person to contact health team so things can get moving forward I know what it is like hun when you need someone and there not available it is so hard i get that but if you can just leave a msg for that person to contact the mental health team maybe this person will

 

[Lonewolf]

I will try that in the morning! Thanks lol!! Just feeling pathetic at the moment!! Im not doing so good!! It just seems endless!!!

 

[forgetmenot]

You are NOT pathetic ok and i know it is hard so hard to do the calling and the pushing to get things done i know it is hard i do and i wish you had someone to help you
if you have this persons number give it to the worker you are talking to and get that person to call and leave a msg ok for him to get back to the mental health team as soon as possible

 

[Lonewolf]

I have left a message for this guy today so I just need wait now!!! Something has got to give!! Nothing is getting any easier!! I'm clinging on by my finer nails at the moment with a glimpse of hope that things will improve, but it getting harder to keep believing that!! Maybe im fighting a losing battle??

 

[forgetmenot]

No hun you are not fighting a losing battle and you are certainly worth this fight so i do hope this professional is able to contact your mental health team if not today you keep calling ok you keep in their faces until you get heard i know it is hard but unfortunately that is how things are sometimes Nothing comes easy hun you are worth the fight ok don't give up hugs

 

[Ftbwgil]

Hi Lonewolf I can certainly to a point understand what happenned to you. To what degree no but I can sense the sadness. Life offers a lot of beautifull things. A walk, a dream, a friend, a good memorie, laughter, a good meal, a nice drive, time with people you love, a chance to love yourself etc. The point I am trying to make is yessss something terribly wrong happenned and it sometimes gets stuck in our head and it has power. Now think of the reverse that power can have such as A walk, a dream, a friend, a good memorie, laughter, a good meal, a nice drive, time with people you love, a chance to love yourself etc. At the very moment that you think of something you have made a DECISION TO THINK ....... about whatever it is you want to think about. I am not denying the bad things that happen they are real... what I want to bring up is that there are also so many good things to be joyfull about and while you are going thru this very difficult time it takes 2x the effort to come up with posititves but the payoff is wonderfull. You are not losing a battle because you do not need to fight. Learn to pamper yourself..... take a pen and write all the things you liked loved appreciated as a kid and then the things you like now. Write your goals wether they be travel, dining, friendship , seeing something feeling some way.... all of that is just around the corner and it starts with visualization and belief and lots of love for yourself. Im sorry for the pain you are having and believe me there is hope..... several years ago .. actually my whole life I was confused because of my childhood and in the last 10 yeRS i HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD reading therapy group sessions learning to trust.

Its hard work and the nice thing is that people care for you a lot and the ressources are there. We just have to work at it harder than most. But it does get better and I believe it gets better than most because we learn to love ourselves unconditionaly

 

[Lonewolf]

Am so close to just giving up now!!!! I'm so sorry for wasting anyone's time!! Thanks to all of you for supporting me!! Nothing has gotten any better, still no changes!! I've been clinging on thinking that there is hope for someone to help me, but it seems endless and pointless!! I don't feel like I can hold out much longer!! Does it really matter any more?? I'm sorry I just don't know what to do with myself at the moment, just need it all to stop!!!!

 

[forgetmenot]

Lonewolf your are not wasting anyones time hun and i hear your frustration i do If you need immediate attention then you go to hospital ok you call crisis line and talk to someone that can get you some support Please do not harm yourself it takes time hun and it will happen you will get the support but for now if you are unstable go to emerg ok and talk to crisis team there hugs

 

[Mari]

H! Lonewolf, we are very fortunate to have you here. Being sensitive is okay and I do know how difficult it can be to accept kindness but we do care very much. I keep the distress centre phone number beside my phone and as forgetmenot said, call if you need to or even go to emergency. Maybe this poster that I made for myself might be helpful. Hugs from me too.

 

[MHealthJo]

Try to hang on some way or another Lonewolf... Life has good times it can offer you and you deserve to see those times come..... xox

I really like Mari's poster.....

If you are unsafe definitely call crisis or emergency....

And/or, please talk to us if there are feelings you could get out by talking through them... sometimes talking or writing what's underneath, can release a little of the burden...

 

[Lonewolf]

I can't!! Some of the things I need to say may not appropriate on here! I don't know how to word it all? I worry that once I open the can of worms, it will all just keep coming out and I am so aware of upsetting people or breaking the rules that it's probably best I don't say anything too deep!! Sorry, I am scared of even thinking about it!!

 

[MHealthJo]

Ah, I see, yes, it's good that you are aware of being careful of the rules and of things that could trigger others.

It is so good though that there are crisis lines and talk lines available though, where you are more free to say anything that you wish, without any concern of triggering other users, because they are more private and are set up just to benefit the one person talking. I wonder if you need to get out some more detailed things that could be triggering, that might be an option for you at the moment?

 

[Lonewolf]

Thanks lol! I appreciate you replying to me!! I am so afraid of what to do or say in my life generally, not just on here! Scared to tell anyone anything! It's all twisted up inside me!! Im frightened to be feeling like this! I don't trust anybody with anything! I don't want to do anything to upset anyone and I can't cope with anymore trouble I may get myself into for discussing my thought and feelings!!
I am again having to face all the horrors on my own!! I don't know maybe it will make me tougher!! Years and years ago, nothing bothered me! I didn't worry about consequences, of how others felt or what happened to me! I really didn't give two hoots about anything! Now, im the complete opposite and panic if I get too close!! I hurt so much, I can't take anymore!
This forum is a god send to many people, including me!! I've lost the ability to trust!! I hope I can regain it eventually!! For now I am going to hide under my duvet and try to stay away from other people! I don't want to infect them with my nightmares!!

 

[MHealthJo]

It is very difficult feeling that way... sometimes when bad things have happened, or if we have been in situations where we've been blamed unfairly and people say things are our fault, we can later get confused about the amount that we can affect others....We can start worrying a great deal that we are going to cause huge damage or something.... boundaries can get all blurred. It's very hard....

But remember if you just write about a disturbing topic in a sort of a general way and not too specific or detailed, it will usually be okay. And also we have moderators who can catch something if there's detail that is better left out, and we can just adjust it for you... We would know that you did your best and we would just make a little adjustment and it would not be trouble or something to worry about.

 

[Lonewolf]

Just need to feel safe!!

 

[Mari]

Who can you talk with that will help you feel safe? I have a priority list of good people to talk with including my family doctor who I have an appointment with this afternoon. What can you actively do? You can certainly write some of your thoughts here. :support: