Hi i am new to this board and im wondering if anyone can provide me with some advice to my situation..
Iam a 19 yr old univeristy student studying psychology in my first yr. Ive had depression for 3 yrs now and have been self harming for the same amount of time or maybe more. I live with my single mum and my little sister in a house where you can cut the tension with a knife. Mainly my tension, my tension of the broken down communication between me and my mother. To me, we have NEVER got on, i have always been afraid and frightened of her confident and proud personlality. With her "true" "say what you see" comments about my clumsiness and stupidity growing up i believe that there is something wrong with me. I went for counselling during my a-levels and slowly started to begin to see that i have a negative self concept and distorted reality of what i see of myself and about everything else. Unfortunately when the ice just began to break between me and my counsellor, i had to go to uni.
For years i saw university as my castle in the sky; and being one who tends to set high expectations for herself i aimed to go to a good university. However my depression and anxiety got the better of me and i went to the university i dreaded most. Each time i walk through those gates its a reminder of how bad ive done and how stupid i am. Many people say to me that i should be happy that im in a university at least, but im not.
I imagined that university would be the place that would take me away from my depression and underneath, my mother. Give me the independance i probably needed to gain confidence and finally get out of my black it. Unforunately, i am living at home 1hr 30mins journey each way to my university. I tried to leave and go live on campus there but the guilt sank in and i stayed despite my mother urging me on to go (so that she can shun me). During the term of september to christmas i spent all my time going out early in the morning and coming back late deliberately avoiding my mum's presence so that i dont cause an argument or annoy her in some way. I got worse with my suicidal ideations and anxiety and overdosed. she does not know till this day, that i went to hospital to get my blood checked. I know it would break her heart.
Now it is the new year and i am thinking about moving out again, i told her/suggested it and her reply was to go, and that if i fall flat on my face she will not be there to pick up the pieces. As time went on she recently revaled her weak side.She was in debt. i am so blinded by all the things that we have , that i cant see it. She told me that our house is an investment for me, therefore i cant leave, or there is no point in leaving. I have tried to explain that i want it for myself, so that i can get better, but she doesnt understand. she thinks that if i just put my depression into a box it will go away.
I decide to stay again and offer to help her with her debt, she accepts (which is a very hard thing for her to do as she is an extremely proud person). But im still crying still wanting to get better, knowing that if i live in this environment of constant arguments i will not. On one side i see myself as being selfish, if i get up and leave her to struggle for ME. But on the other side, im tired. Im tired of the anxeity, the self harming, the hurt, the worthlesness, the self esteem, and just being plain afraid. of what i dont know.
I seem to think that moving out will change our relationship for the better because if the problem is me then surely me moving out and gaining independence and getting better will make me right again?
I am fed up of being that 8 yr old child always crying being scared and listening to everything her mother says and believing it because mum is always right. everything mum predicts comes true. I find it so shameful that i am still "behaving like a child" in what way i do not know. Also the thing that always has stuck with me is the idea of common sense. to this day, i get the comment "its common sense, you have no common sense" from my mother. And only in these few years i begin to think..what is common sense? What is this i lack in so much to make me bad child.
When it come to my mother i dont know which way to turn, jump, flinch. I dont know what to say, or what will be the right thing, and when i try it is always wrong. Like a human with the core parts of the brain carved out. only left with its functions. I used to be a hyperactive laughing child and now ive turned into this fragile adult crumbling and tearing at the seams with every stroke.
I am extremely sorry that ive gone on like this
Iam a 19 yr old univeristy student studying psychology in my first yr. Ive had depression for 3 yrs now and have been self harming for the same amount of time or maybe more. I live with my single mum and my little sister in a house where you can cut the tension with a knife. Mainly my tension, my tension of the broken down communication between me and my mother. To me, we have NEVER got on, i have always been afraid and frightened of her confident and proud personlality. With her "true" "say what you see" comments about my clumsiness and stupidity growing up i believe that there is something wrong with me. I went for counselling during my a-levels and slowly started to begin to see that i have a negative self concept and distorted reality of what i see of myself and about everything else. Unfortunately when the ice just began to break between me and my counsellor, i had to go to uni.
For years i saw university as my castle in the sky; and being one who tends to set high expectations for herself i aimed to go to a good university. However my depression and anxiety got the better of me and i went to the university i dreaded most. Each time i walk through those gates its a reminder of how bad ive done and how stupid i am. Many people say to me that i should be happy that im in a university at least, but im not.
I imagined that university would be the place that would take me away from my depression and underneath, my mother. Give me the independance i probably needed to gain confidence and finally get out of my black it. Unforunately, i am living at home 1hr 30mins journey each way to my university. I tried to leave and go live on campus there but the guilt sank in and i stayed despite my mother urging me on to go (so that she can shun me). During the term of september to christmas i spent all my time going out early in the morning and coming back late deliberately avoiding my mum's presence so that i dont cause an argument or annoy her in some way. I got worse with my suicidal ideations and anxiety and overdosed. she does not know till this day, that i went to hospital to get my blood checked. I know it would break her heart.
Now it is the new year and i am thinking about moving out again, i told her/suggested it and her reply was to go, and that if i fall flat on my face she will not be there to pick up the pieces. As time went on she recently revaled her weak side.She was in debt. i am so blinded by all the things that we have , that i cant see it. She told me that our house is an investment for me, therefore i cant leave, or there is no point in leaving. I have tried to explain that i want it for myself, so that i can get better, but she doesnt understand. she thinks that if i just put my depression into a box it will go away.
I decide to stay again and offer to help her with her debt, she accepts (which is a very hard thing for her to do as she is an extremely proud person). But im still crying still wanting to get better, knowing that if i live in this environment of constant arguments i will not. On one side i see myself as being selfish, if i get up and leave her to struggle for ME. But on the other side, im tired. Im tired of the anxeity, the self harming, the hurt, the worthlesness, the self esteem, and just being plain afraid. of what i dont know.
I seem to think that moving out will change our relationship for the better because if the problem is me then surely me moving out and gaining independence and getting better will make me right again?
I am fed up of being that 8 yr old child always crying being scared and listening to everything her mother says and believing it because mum is always right. everything mum predicts comes true. I find it so shameful that i am still "behaving like a child" in what way i do not know. Also the thing that always has stuck with me is the idea of common sense. to this day, i get the comment "its common sense, you have no common sense" from my mother. And only in these few years i begin to think..what is common sense? What is this i lack in so much to make me bad child.
When it come to my mother i dont know which way to turn, jump, flinch. I dont know what to say, or what will be the right thing, and when i try it is always wrong. Like a human with the core parts of the brain carved out. only left with its functions. I used to be a hyperactive laughing child and now ive turned into this fragile adult crumbling and tearing at the seams with every stroke.
I am extremely sorry that ive gone on like this