Advice/help please

[witsend]

My LORD, I do not know where to begin!!! I am a male in my early 30's and am severely depressed! I have battled depression most of my teenage-adult life; 2 suicide attempts--one of which were very close to ending it all. I have tried therapy with many, many, MANY psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, etc......talked with many friends, etc...taken almost every anti-depressant under the sun.....YET NOTHING SEEMS TO HELP!!! I know the root of my problems-----I AM VERY SKINNY and have also tried remedies for that---vitamins, eating, working out excessively, nutritionists, I even did one cycle of steroids-which caused even more problems.....BUT I HATE MY LOOKS!!! I vowed whenever I was a teenager to NEVER-EVER have any children to pass these ugly genetics on to----I HAVE KEPT AND WILL KEEP THAT VOW! My hair is also thinning and nothing helps that either!!!! I HATE myself.....and wish I COULD DIE.

To further compund matters, my parents are both at an advanced age---my Father has congestive heart failure and is an amputee----my Mother has macular degeneration, osteoporosis and she fell last year and broke a vertebra---thus, she is now permanently paralyzed from the waist down!!

Any advice given will be appreciated greatly!!!

 

[cm]

Advice/help please!!!!!

I would just like to welcome you witsend. It sounds like you've been carrying a very heavy burden for a long time. This forum is a great place to get help and support. Please keep in touch as there are some really experienced people around this site.

 

[witsend]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Thanks so much CM!!

 

[cm]

Advice/help please!!!!!

How have you been feeling lately??

 

[witsend]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Really depressed and disgusted, the whole scheme of things just appears so BIG, unsolveable and hopeless.

 

[cm]

Advice/help please!!!!!

What are you feeling disgusted about witsend??

 

[cm]

Advice/help please!!!!!

I grew up with my mother making jokes that I was the ugliest baby she'd ever seen, and she didn't like babies anyway. Some mean people did make fun of my face too over the years. It was SO hurtful. I never wanted to hurt anyone else like that. How about you??

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: Advice/help please!!!!!

I know the root of my problems-----I AM VERY SKINNY.

My hair is also thinning and nothing helps that either!!!! I HATE myself.....and wish I COULD DIE.

Why do you feel it necessary to look a certain way? Is it mostly related to romantic relationships?

To further compund matters, my parents are both at an advanced age---my Father has congestive heart failure and is an amputee----my Mother has macular degeneration, osteoporosis and she fell last year and broke a vertebra---thus, she is now permanently paralyzed from the waist down!!

Are you a part-time caregiver for them? Do you feel "compassion fatigue"?

 

[witsend]

fatigue

No.......I am glad to be able to do what I do for my parents...only wish I could improve their physical cicumstances........

 

[cm]

Advice/help please!!!!!

I was wondering if you have thoroughly investigated possible physiological causes for your weight. It sounds like that weight problem might be a sign of some other underlying medical condition.

 

[witsend]

physiological causes

Yes, pretty much in depth! Nothing was revealed....just a victim of "poor genetics"---my father/mother very slender too........hence, one of the many reasons I NEVER want kids---don't want to pass this along any further. It is so embarassing......will NOT go to beach, public swimming pools, wear shorts, muscle shirts,etc.....one reason i love colder weather...am able to hide and/or camouflage my undesirable, underveloped physical embarassments.

 

[Jon]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Welcome to the forum witsend. I am glad to see that you are here, that shows that you still have a key - hope.

I know the root of my problems-----I AM VERY SKINNY

I believe you may be wrong about that. Have you considered that the depression you feel may be affecting you physically? I know that when I went through my depression and suicidal days that I lost a LOT of weight. I have also heard of people with extreme depression losing hair as you described.

If you can put aside the way you feel for a moment, could you tell us more about yourself and what your goals are? Ignore time, money and the past and just let us know what you would like to get out of life. Try to list 5-10 things you would like to accomplish if it were possible.

 

[cm]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Yes, I understand. I'm amazed at how many of us feel that way about ourselves too. It's taken me a long,long time to learn to accept what I think are big flaws in my appearance and learn to start liking myself for me instead of living for other people.

 

[witsend]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Welcome to the forum witsend. I am glad to see that you are here, that shows that you still have a key - hope.

I know the root of my problems-----I AM VERY SKINNY

I believe you may be wrong about that. Have you considered that the depression you feel may be affecting you physically? I know that when I went through my depression and suicidal days that I lost a LOT of weight. I have also heard of people with extreme depression losing hair as you described.

If you can put aside the way you feel for a moment, could you tell us more about yourself and what your goals are? Ignore time, money and the past and just let us know what you would like to get out of life. Try to list 5-10 things you would like to accomplish if it were possible.

Hey Jon,

Thanks for responding. 5-10 things I would like to accomplish---IF it were possible:
1. My parents health to improve
2. To have a better body
3. To have more hair
4. To not have to feel so embarassed/"gyped"/insecure/envious,etc. around others due to my circumstances #2 and # 3 above.
5. An explanation as to why I have had to endure--what others take for granted!?

 

[witsend]

cm

Yeah...........living for other people...........Mmmmmmmm....well, what flaws do you have?? As for living for other people, if 'all men are created equal"--then why do some, suffer such pain? Mother nature must have her "pets" or "picks" or "preferences" huh?

 

[cm]

Advice/help please!!!!!

What have your consultants said about your body image? What kind of feedback do you get from other, objective, reliable people?

 

[witsend]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Consultants............people who are PAID to make us feel better.....have went thru the drill about, "You do not look emaciated, you have other qualities, you look fine, a lot of people may wish they looked like you do"....yeah right.....

Other obyective, reliable people---friends---who will say nice things anyway, basically a repeat of the counselors speech, blah, blah, blah......it's like, okay, you break a leg---but your arms still work, so forget about the broken leg issue! Or, your liver is bad....buy your heart is working fine...so focus on the good part.....To parallel it, they, should try this: Putter down the speedway in a beat-up Ford Pinto...while everyone around them is cruising in Jaguars/Mercedes/BMW's/Porsches/Vipers--------get the picture????

 

[cm]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Vipers and Porsches maybe, but personally I don't go for the looks of Jags/Mercs or BMW's!

 

[witsend]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Well, be that as it may, you see my point don't you?

 

[cm]

Advice/help please!!!!!

What I see is alot of anger.