Advice/help please

[witsend]

Advice/help please!!!!!

No, my friend I am not angry.......at least not at you or anyone else.....maybe at myself and at Mother Nature due to my situations.....you jut don't understand the depth to which these issues affect me---maybe, please, reread my initial post? I hope it never happens to you---but what would you do if you were in my predicament???? And again, thanks for reading and responding. I have to run an errand---be back in a few minutes.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Advice/help please!!!!!

I think I do understand how much you are affected by these issues but that is the problem, your inability to accept and love who you are, your perceived deficiencies...

You are not going to get a different body type. You are probably not going to get more hair. So now what?

You are angry. Clearly. You can continue to be angry at Mother Nature and to blame your physical appearance for your unhappiness, or you can start to examine why you are so focused on something so superficial. I suspect that's what your previous therapists were trying to help you do. I also suspect it's not what you want to hear.

Eventually, you have to make a choice: Continue to rage, internally or externally, at the bad hand you think life has dealt you, or learn to accept it and make the best of what you have.

 

[witsend]

angry?

But all of that is just so unfair, I wish my Mother would have had an abortion whenever she was pregnant with me. This whole world is based on unfairness and it starts prior to birth. I know what you are saying, but, I just don't feel like I can apply it. It's comparable to, I know surgeons perform operations....but that doesn't mean I can or would even attempt. It is hard to say how we would react to situations, unless we have them personally, then again, each of us are different in our rationale and interpretation.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Lots of things are unfair. And almost everyone I know has been affected by something unfair. As I said, it's a choice.

 

[witsend]

Advice/help please!!!!!

But does that mean we gotta like it??? What type of choice is that??? That's like saying, okay, I am going to die--do I want cancer or leukemia?? See, so many people have been given so much more.......and they either take it for granted...or have an ego the size of our federal deficit! See, this goes beyond my own feelings of inadequacy---there is also my parents' health issues.....I see others who smoke, drink, do drugs, go to jail, on and on and on---and they were given sooooooo much!!!! Ditto for their parents-----who do likewise, but are in good health....it does not make sense....it's like some of us are being punished unnecessarily, while others may flourish without limits!!! Do you know how difficult it is to even go on a date and know that EVERY guy she sees while she is with you, is better looking and could steal her away...knowing that inside...she wants him instead of you.....do you see what I am getting at??? And you say almost everyone you know has been affected by something unfair---well I certainly hope it was not like what I have been dealt!!! I hope their unfairness had a better, quicker, long lasting remedy! Unlike mine, which seems to get componded daily!! If I lived on an island where no one was around me---it might be easier...but see, it is quite difficult to even attempt to change whenever inidividuals---who you may or may not even know---are either staring at you (like, Ewwwwww man) or even verbally pointing out what you already are so unhappy with.......

 

[Jon]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Eventually, you have to make a choice: Continue to rage, internally or externally, at the bad hand you think life has dealt you, or learn to accept it and make the best of what you have.

This is very true. It is easier said than done, but when a person can make that decision to just accept that which they cannot change and then work to make the best of life... That is when change happens.

I have my own defects physically that could get me depressed, but I just live with them & do the best I can. For example, I was born with a foot that is twisted at the ankle, so I have to be careful in sports or I trip myself - I was made fun of often in my school days when I'd fall on my face for no apparent reason. I have a bad shoulder so I can't play catch with my kids unless I throw underhand and my friends all wonder why I don't play basketball & volleyball with them. I have extremely sensitive eyes so they water alot making it look like I'm crying. I have a bad overbite which has killed most of my front teeth. I could go on, but the point is that I live with it. I am very happy despite this because I made the decision to accept my ailments & make the best with what I have.

There was a news story recently here about a kid who tried to commit suicide in high school. He basically blew his face off, destroyed his jaw, etc. but lived. he now looks like the elephant man or something. However, even though people now react to his physical appearance in rude ways, he has gotten involved in the community and is part of an effort to educate students and families about suicide. he is in his 30's now same as you & I. He is a great example of someone who made a choice. Sure he made the wrong choice first (Suicide), but when he ended up looking the way he does now, he could have tried again, or he could make the choice to help others and he has become loved by the community.

 

[witsend]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Yeah, I can relate to you and also to the kid---I feel the pain from both your personal examples; his decribed example....yeah, I have heard of similar instances...the ONLY reason I haven't attempted it again, is fear of causing myself more pain, instead of destroying the current pain. Thanks for your input so much!

 

[HA]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Hello witsend,

There are many more *Ford Pinto's* and other makes of economy cars then there are Porche's, BMW's and so on. I think I would be a Volkswagon Beetle, older model.

I did have a friend once who was unusally thin. He had a very high metabolism and could eat forever without gaining weight. Gaining weight was what he tried to do but to no avail.

How much time throughout your day do you spend thinking about your unusual thinness?

When we are in a minority and a painful life, the best help comes from those who have walked in our shoes and know exactly how we feel.
Here is a support group for thin men
http://www.healthboards.com/boards/archive/index.php/t-63044.html

Ask the dietician
Underweight - Ask the Dietitian®

 

[Daniel E.]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Do you know how difficult it is to even go on a date and know that EVERY guy she sees while she is with you, is better looking and could steal her away...knowing that inside...she wants him instead of you.....do you see what I am getting at???

I would think that an increase in self-confidence would help. The Olsen twins looked very thin when they were on Saturday Night Live and no one seemed to care. The thin "heroin" look was once popular among some male models. Also, there are women who actually care more about personality than looks. With a divorce rate of over 50 percent in the US, you may not be missing out as much as you think.

...it's like some of us are being punished unnecessarily, while others may flourish without limits!!!

The Vietnam War draft is just one example. Some rich folks were more able to avoid the draft by going to Canada, etc. However, one of the soldiers who experienced years of torture in the "Hanoi Hilton," James Stockdale, wrote books and articles to show how he used the Stoic perspective of life to mentally survive:

Was I a victim? Not when I became fully engaged, got into the life of unity with comrades, helping others, and being encouraged by them. So many times, I would find myself whispering to myself after an exhilarating wall-tap message exchange: "I am right where I belong; I am right where I was meant to be."
In War, In Prison, In Antiquity

Mother nature must have her "pets" or "picks" or "preferences" huh?

But Nature often gives both tremendous advantages and obstacles to the same individual, as is the case with Stephen Hawking's motor neuron disease and his extreme brilliance. There are many celebrity examples, of course, like the Parkinson's disease of Michael J. Fox, the paralysis of the late Christopher Reeve, the suicides of Jonathan Brandis (former child actor on "seaQuest"), Ray Combs (former host of Family Feud), Kurt Cobain, Marilyn Monroe, and the murder of John Lennon and JFK. Another example of the yin-yang phenomenon is Einstein's genius and his son's schizophrenia:

The fate of Albert and Mileva's first child, Lieserl, is unknown: some believe she died in infancy and some believe she was given out for adoption. As for the two boys: one was institutionalized for schizophrenia and died in an asylum. The other moved to California and became a university professor, and had little interaction with his father.
Albert Einstein - Wikipedia

Also, the ancient Stoics loved literature that showed the tragic nature of not being able to go with the flow of things. A modern poem of this nature is "Miniver Cheevy," which is mentioned in the footnotes of the book The Suicidal Mind.


"Miniver Cheevy" by E.A. Robinson

Miniver Cheevy, child of scorn,
Grew lean while he assailed the seasons;
He wept that he was ever born,
And he had reasons.

Miniver loved the days of old
When swords were bright and steeds were prancing;
The vision of a warrior bold
Would set him dancing.

Miniver sighed for what was not,
And dreamed, and rested from his labors;
He dreamed of Thebes and Camelot,
And Priam's neighbors.

Minever mourned the ripe renown
That made so many a name so fragrant;
He mourned Romance, now on the town,
And Art, a vagrant.

Minever loved the Medici,
Albeit he had never seen one;
He would have sinned incessantly
Could he have been one.

Miniver cursed the commonplace
And eyed a khaki suit with loathing;
He missed the mediæval grace
Of iron clothing.

Miniver scorned the gold he sought,
But sore annoyed was he without it;
Miniver thought, and thought, and thought,
And thought about it.

Miniver Cheevy, born too late,
Scratched his head and kept on thinking;
Miniver coughed, and called it fate,
And kept on drinking.

 

[Nutmeg]

Advice/help please!!!!!

witsend,

Have you also investigated "body dysmorphic disorder"? According to a website from a search I did on google, here it is in a nutshell:

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is a mental disorder defined as a preoccupation with a perceived defect in one's appearance. If a slight defect is present, which others hardly notice, then the concern is regarded as markedly excessive. In order to receive the diagnosis, the preoccupation must cause significant distress or impairment in one's occupational or social functioning.

I realize that to you, the defect is not slight at all. But please check out the website. Maybe it will be of some value:

http://www.btinternet.com/~david.veale/bddinfo.html


nutmeg

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Advice/help please!!!!!

www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?p=2022

www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=75

www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=46

www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1160&start=0

 

[witsend]

dysmorphia

Hey Nutmeg,
Thanks for your interest and help. But that disorder is for inidividuals who are ALREADY big, but do not, for whatever reason realize it..however, the common denominator is body dissatisfaction, so ANY insight is welcomed.
Thanks again my friend!

 

[Nutmeg]

Re: dysmorphia

But that disorder is for inidividuals who are ALREADY big, but do not, for whatever reason realize it..however, the common denominator is body dissatisfaction, so ANY insight is welcomed.
Thanks again my friend!

Do you mean fat?

confused,
nutmeg

 

[witsend]

Do I mean fat?

No Nutmeg, I mean muscular---of course, I would take fat too over skinny---any day!

 

[Techie]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Hi witsend,

First, please be patient reading this... its 3AM here and I may not be making 100% sense...

Self-image is a terrible thing... please believe me with that thought !

I am fat.... I have a body mass index of 45+, but I have seen hundreds of people fatter than me ! I am muscular and powerful... and my wife says my receeding hair-line was what attracted her to me !

I have all of my life thought I was 'ugly' and 'fat', but to this day remain confused as to why so many great looking women have been so attracted to me ! That whole erronious self-image thing again it seems.

But ALAS, because of my weight, I have Sleep Apnea (was told that it was so bad that it has caused brain/heart damage) and I have a crushed disk in my lower back (L2-L3) from being an idiot and lifting a v8 engine out of a car !! I thought I had something to prove by being 'stronger' than I was fat. Like somehow the strength would cover the fact I am overweight. Like somehow people would look past the fat because I was strong.

Now I cant even sit on the floor and play with my child... I cant help wash the dishes because I cant lean forward even a bit ! I cant even many times be intimate with my wife because of the damage to my back... In fact... when I first migrated to the country I know live in... my back turned SO bad I could not MOVE off the same spot on the bedroom floor for almost 2 months !! My fiance at the time had to sponge-bath me and clean up after me like a baby !! I had to use a cane to do our wedding rehearsal !

God what I would give to be able to go back in time and think to myself 'I dont give a damned about what other people think about me' so that I WOULD NOT think negatively about myself !!

DONT CARE about other peoples perceptions of you. Because I can guarantee what YOU think OTHER people think of you is WRONG ! They are probably just as worried about what you think of them them !

What you said earlier: "Do you know how difficult it is to even go on a date and know that EVERY guy she sees while she is with you, is better looking and could steal her away...knowing that inside...she wants him instead of you.....do you see what I am getting at???"

Yes, I DID. But you know what ? I was WRONG.

Point1: Who is/was she with ? YOU ? Yes you ! It was you that had her on the date right ?
Point2: "...know that EVERY guy she sees", well, unless there is more to this particular example I think you are assuming are you not ?
Point3: "....knowing that inside....", again, unless you have more to that particular story you are again assuming. How would you know what she wants/thinks inside ?

Dont just assume because it did not work out that it was because she thought you were thin or not muscular enough! Dates not working out happens to EVERYBODY including the 'drop-dead-great looking ones' ! Besides... IF they DO think that then be grateful you did not end up with them !!

Heck, my wife looks at guys and says "hes got great muscles!" and stuff like that... and I think one of two things: "SO ? Who cares ?" or "Yes he does!". Thats it. I dont read more into it than I need to ! Believe me... I worry enough about things without CREATING things to worry about.

If all of this does not make sense then do yourself at least ONE favor... when you get these thoughts stop yourself and ask "What evidence do I have to justify these thoughts?" and think it out. Evidence however CANNOT come from things generated inside your head... becuase it is always one sided and usually WRONG. Evidence only comes from external sources that you have FIRST hand knowledge of. No assumptions are allowed.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Is there anything about yourself that you do like?

I am ugly (or I think I am)
and I have a hard time with that, but I don't look around and think everyone has a better life than I do. Everyone I know, no matter what they look like, has had some trauma or loss or hard time in their life. People that you think have the perfect life might actually be living in a kind of hell.

Check out the advice on this website:

Body Image

 

[witsend]

ANYTHING

Hey Janet and thanks for posting.
To answer your question, No! There is nothing about myself I like, there is nothing to like. I am glad you don't look around and compare yourself to others---because believe me, it is misery...goes to show how life is so unfair! I hate being the one who makes others feel better about themselves from a physical standpoint.

 

[cm]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Hello witsend. You said that 'there is nothing ' about yourself that you like, that 'there is nothing to like'. That sounds like you hate yourself. You do deserve a better life than all this pain and hate. You need to make the choice to create something about yourself that you do like. You CAN do it!

 

[witsend]

cm

Hey!
I do NOT like nothing/anything about myself....how can one create something out of nothing? I do hate myself.......and yes I don't like having this pain and hate........BUT, I feel I have no choice.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Advice/help please!!!!!

I'm sorry. I didn't make myself very clear. I DO compare myself to other people, but I don't believe those people have better lives than I do because of how they look. Everyone has problems.