Advice/help please

[witsend]

janetr

Well......it is not that I think their lives are better, well, yes, they may be----I would think, YES everyone has problems...but their problem would not most likely consist of a body image issue. If flaws were minor, I could accept them, but such as mine is NOT the case.

So what do you feel is so bad about YOUR appearance??

 

[cm]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Maybe you feel undeserving of having a choice to make things better for yourself, so you refuse to acknowledge that the choice to change your life exists.

 

[witsend]

underserving

Hey CM,

Yeah------you are right----110%---I do feel undeserving, to be happy, to be loved, everything........you hit the proverbial nail on the head my friend!

 

[cm]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Can you tell us what it was like for you growing up? How did it go in school from the early years, and at home?

 

[witsend]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Growing up.......Mmmmmmmmm...."dirt poor", was picked on because of my looks, clothes, lack of money, etc...was never athletic, for fear of failing, was made fun almost daily....only child...real Mother died when I was but 6 months old...raised by Father and a step mom--she also ridiculed me for being thin...she thought I should be heavier too (she is heavy)...my Dad is---well like me.......I graduated Cum Laude from a pretigous university...now--I have overcame the poverty.....not a millionaire...but compared to back then I am!!

 

[Cat Dancer]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Sometimes I think it is much easier for me to focus on how I look than to deal with the real issues in my life, the really tough things that I just don't want to face.

I don't like anything about myself. I don't think anyone here would say I am ugly though. That's the frustrating part. That somehow what I see is not the same as what other people see. Could it be the case for you?

Probably there are lots of people who are envious of you being able to be skinny. There are people, me included, who have practically killed themselves trying to be thin.

I don't know. This probably makes no sense.

I do hope that you can figure things out somehow and find happiness somehow.

 

[witsend]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Thanks Janet!
Mmmmmm..don't think this is the case for me though. Yeah, you made a lot of sense! I am so appreciative of any and all advice...Thanks again.

 

[Nutmeg]

Advice/help please!!!!!

witsend,

My guess is that you have felt very helpless and utterly frustrated for a long time. You have shared some massive traumas in your early life that would have broken a lot of people. But you overcame them to graduate with honors and earn a living. However any validation or reassurance I give is going to be devalued and dismissed by you. It's not useful. I think you want us to know that you feel very helpless and that nothing on earth is going to help you. And I think we're understanding this is how it is for you.

nutmeg

 

[cm]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Being mistreated at times in our childhood can cause us to acquire beliefs about ourselves that are harmful, and untrue. Is it possible that you have invested so much of yourself in this belief that you fear losing your 'self' if you decide to it up?

 

[witsend]

nothing's going to help

witsend,

My guess is that you have felt very helpless and utterly frustrated for a long time. You have shared some massive traumas in your early life that would have broken a lot of people. But you overcame them to graduate with honors and earn a living. However any validation or reassurance I give is going to be devalued and dismissed by you. It's not useful. I think you want us to know that you feel very helpless and that nothing on earth is going to help you. And I think we're understanding this is how it is for you.

nutmeg

Yeah.....to a point, I suppose you're right! But I do not intend to devalue or dismiss anyone's advice---in fact, I encourage their input. I need all of the help I can get!

 

[witsend]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Being mistreated at times in our childhood can cause us to acquire beliefs about ourselves that are harmful, and untrue. Is it possible that you have invested so much of yourself in this belief that you fear losing your 'self' if you decide to it up?

Harmful=YES; Untrue=No, If I could lose this, I would!! I wish I could change the whole situation and/or outlook.......seeing other men with lots of hair....with muscles the size of boulders....arms like tree trunks....then seeing myself...thinnning hair.....arms like toothpicks....wrists like pencils...legs like pipe cleaners.....acne/scarred "flip-side of a Nestle Crunch bar face.....Who wouldn't wanna lose all of that??? Fortunately, the determatologist is really assisting with the acne....

 

[Nutmeg]

Re: nothing's going to help

Yeah.....to a point, I suppose you're right! But I do not intend to devalue or dismiss anyone's advice---in fact, I encourage their input. I need all of the help I can get!

Have you noticed that no matter what anyone says, you find a way to answer, "Yes but..."? This makes others feel frustrated and helpless. I *think* that's how you feel and have felt for a long time. I understand that you appreciate other's input. And I'm pointing out a dynamic that may be operating so that "solutions" are impossible at this time. And that's okay. Maybe you're just at the beginning of questioning the helplessness.

nutmeg

 

[witsend]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Well, I feel frustrated and helpless...that is why I am here....YES--I truly appreciate everyone's advice, help and encouragement!!! I must say, in the past 3 days, I have felt better just interacting with you great people! So, expound for me please Nutmeg.......you mentioned "solutions" what solutions do YOU see, or, more importantly, reread my initial post, what solutions would YOU apply if, (God-forbid) this was you?? Thanks again my friend!

 

[cm]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Hi witsend,

I mean the core belief that you don't 'deserve' to be loved, happy, etc. Could this have been ingrained in you during your upbringing. Also, how did you become so successful academically? I've had a difficult time completing my academic and employment goals.

 

[ThatLady]

Advice/help please!!!!!

Well, witsend, I'm pretty scrawny myself. As you get older, you'll find it to be a blessing. Anesthesiologists will love you.

In all seriousness, I can understand what you're feeling to a degree. Yet, being skinny does not define you as a person. Neither does thinning hair. (I always wished for a wild mop of hair, too. Never had one, though.) If you use those measures to define yourself, you're doing yourself a disservice. You're also doing a disservice to all the fun people out there who might be just as lonely as you are, and would really enjoy your company.

I don't know anybody who wouldn't wish (if they had their druthers) to be prettier (or more handsome), shapelier, richer, more intelligent, more socially savvy...you name it. Nobody has it all, and everybody wants it all. I think the trick lies in realizing that just as nobody has it all, nobody is deprived of all of it, either. We've all got something to offer, if we're willing to take the chance, step out there, and offer it.

 

[Nutmeg]

Advice/help please!!!!!

witsend,

I don't think it's useful for me to give you solutions. Your belief system seems pretty powerful at this time and yet I think you're starting to question it. That's a good thing.

nutmeg