• Quote of the Day
    "The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well."
    Alfred Adler, posted by David Baxter
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Nov 23, 2005
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Ok, well first off, I'm diagnosed with depression, but I want to address something else.

I tend to want to hurt people, not physically, but with mind-games and stuff. I never seem to be able to get close to people because once I become best friends with somebody I always tend to turn away from them and be harsh to them.

What is my problem?
 

ThatLady

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There are any number of things that might cause you to behave in the way you describe. One that comes to mind is fear of rejection.
 

zeborah

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I don't know why you push people away, but the important thing is that you are analyzing your behavior which is the first important step into figuring it out. I have done the same thing. I'm not mean to anyone, I just don't answer my phone or ignore my friends and family until they give up on me. I don't have an answer for my behavior either. Perhaps it's just a symptom of our depression. If you start to figure it out please write because I'm sure it will help many people including me.
 

Eunoia

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not answering your phone until they give up or playing "mindgames" w/ people and turning away from them once a certain level of intimacy has been established, are definitely ways to protect yourself from getting hurt. It kind of works along the line of if you can control their reaction, ie. make them mad, then they will pull away and that way you don't have to worry about them pulling away for no obvious reason, later on down the road when you have put more trust in them.... but the problem w/ this kind of thinking and behaviour is that you don't ever really allow yourself to see what's out there, and letting those people help you and be there for you who could do so. There's always "risks" w/ relationships, but sometimes taking that risk is worth so much more than "controlling" other people's rections to protect yourself and ending up being upset about this in the end... we all need friends, and we want people to care for us, but it can seem so much "easier" if you wouldn't have to deal w/ the unpredictability and potential of hurt in relationships, right? but yeah this can be connected to depression too...as zeborah said, realizing that you do this is a 1st step... but trying to figure out ways not to do it is a much greater task, but it can be accomplished... maybe w/ time and allowing yourself to open up to one person slowly, not many at once, and just letting yourself be vulnerable w/ that one person by virtue of being honest.... if you're realistic that you don't know what will happen, you expect the good and the bad at the same time... and if it goes either way it's not so much of a let down.... gaining a greater self-esteem may help as well...so that you're more comfotable in trusting yourself.
 
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Hi Shadow...
I can relate to what you are saying....I pretty much manipulate every person in my life...I think I do that because I am scared of having a real relationship with anyone...I never formed real relationships w/ my parents because they were both workaholics....do you have any really good relationships in your life?? If not is it because deep down you want to hurt other people before they can hurt you...or it might be a trust issue...or it could be something completely different....
Kelsey
 
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Nov 23, 2005
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I think Kelsey is more onto what I'm like. I don't not-answer-my-phone. I flat out do something harsh to hurt people.

Thanks for all your help.
 

Eunoia

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hey shadow... I was commenting on this in general, combining things you had said but also zeborah and trying to throw in my two cents worth... if you are manipulating people b/c you are too scared of having a real relationship w/ someone it does tend to come down to being afraid of being hurt once you open up to someone... for one reason or another.
 

comfortzone

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Hi Shadow,

If I understand you correctly you have a desire for close relationships with others? But then you find yourself being harsh or cruel to them. Along the same lines as others have mentioned I think you are in your own way challenging those friends of yours by being harsh to them. If they can withstand your negative treatment then they are suitable for continued friendships. Even then I imagine you want some type of guarantee that those people who make it past your "wall" are not going to reject you. While your treatment of your friends does not involved violence, the "damage" done is more on a psychological level, which takes longer for people to heal. You have heard the saying," Sticks and stone can break my bones, but words can never hurt me." Unfortunately this saying is untrue. To sound cliche: Do unto others as you want them to do unto you. I would also take a look at your own expectations for yourself. I would wonder if you are being harsh with yourself at some level in your life. Take care,
 
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