"Learning about anger, violence and narcissism and the darker side of human nature help prepare us for the real world as it is. Your children need this information on avoiding toxic friends and setting boundaries with those who take advantage of them. And good-minded, codependent people need to understand that too much kindness and empathy towards self-involved, destructive people can harm them."
What are three key ways to understand unprovoked anger?
The angry person was already frustrated, disappointed, irritated, etc. by something you said or did—but keeping a stiff upper lip, held their fire. Why? Probably because their reinforcement history “programmed” them to avoid conflict whenever possible. Still, this latest provocation in a series of felt provocations may—however petty in itself—have been more than enough to set them aflame. Though they refrained from expressing it earlier, their anger build-up was well underway before this latest perceived affront.
On the other hand, it may well be that you hadn’t provoked the angry person earlier. But someone else did. And now that anger is being redirected toward you. Too many of us hold things in and don’t let the person we’re presently engaged with know that we’re battling a bad mood—whether because of something specific that happened at work, or some insensitive or aggressive remark that another made to us, or some more general setback, failure, or defeat. Frankly, it could be anything that got to us and struck us as unfair or made us feel vulnerable. As I’ve pointed out in other posts for Psychology Today (see, especially, here), anger can function as a robust defense against feelings of powerlessness. So if a person seems much too quick to blow their top, they may—before their encounter with you—have somehow been made to feel weak or defenseless.
In such scenarios it’s essential that you not take the other person’s words personally...
Calling preferred, texting permitted: Friends you made in the past five years.
It should go without saying—but it doesn’t—that you call your mother, your aunt and anyone you are related to on their birthday. Don’t leave messages (ever, really, but especially not on someone’s special day). You’re not as busy as you think—try them again.
It’s possible that multigenerational housing arrangements, created by socioeconomic pressures, could result in more tolerance for divergent views.
Adult children living with their parents in multigenerational households is certainly not a panacea and runs against an almost century-long, post-Depression norm of moving out of family homes in young adulthood. But given new socioeconomic pressures, it’s possible that multigenerational housing arrangements could result in more tolerance for divergent views. In a society full of echo chambers, political polarization and deep mistrust, that might be a very good thing.
“Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict, pain. Nobody chooses insanity. They happen because there is not enough presence in you to dissolve the past, not enough light to dispel the darkness. You are not fully here. You have not woken up yet. In the meantime, the conditioned mind is running your life.”
Learning how to push back can be hard. But it’s something you can get better at, with practice.
“Questions force people to give you the permission that you are seeking versus being confrontational, pushy, and direct. It gives people the opportunity to course correct and gain awareness of their behavior. And it helps protect your reputation.”
New research shows why narcissists become less popular over time.
Narcissists cyclically return to the emerging zone because they are addicted to the positive social feedback and emotional rush they get from this zone. They live in this zone. As a result, they are good at being popular, making new friends, and acquiring social status, but are really quite terrible at sustaining anything meaningful and intimate.
Attention Is the Most Basic Form of Love by James V. Cordova, Ph.D., Psychology Today May 6, 2011 Attention is the most basic form of love. Through it we bless and are blessed. ~ John Tarrant Intimacy's secret is simple. There is an epidemic ravaging the health and happiness of American...
"Attention is the most basic form of love. Through it we bless and are blessed."