Something I have only casually mentioned in therapy is that when I was a child, my 3 older brothers sexually abused me. I don't know when it started because I don't remember it ever not happening. Some of it I remember clearly and some of it is foggy and vague. It pretty much continued until I was 17 and left home.
My mother knew what was happening, she saw it happening many times. She would beat me for it, until I bled, and would tell me it was my fault because I was a girl. She said that's just how 'males' are, and that's just what they do,and if it happened to me, it was my fault(something she said whenever she knew anyone abused me). She treated me like I was this awful little girl that wanted these things to happen and assumed I was instigating these things. She never punished the boys for it because 'boys will be boys'.
The truth is, when I was very young, I don't think I knew it was wrong. It was just something that was done to me and I was used to it. When I was a little bit older, my brothers saw the neighbor boy(a teenager) molest me,and they used that against me. They threatened to tell mom what had been done to me so that I would do what they wanted. They knew I didn't want to be beaten for what Tom had done to me, so their threats worked(which,by the way, if mom would have found out,she would have beat me for it). They also used that to take my toys,my food,and to get me to do their chores for them. I was threatened and bribed with that on a daily basis.
I refused my dad when I was 15, I woke up with him on top of me, and fought him off of me, and he went to my mom and told her I had been in my brother's bedroom and was doing stuff with him, I think he did that to cover his own butt.He wanted to make me look bad,which worked. I didn't bother telling my mom what had really happened because I knew she wouldn't believe me anyway. It seemed like no matter what happened, I was always blamed. I always looked like this little whore that went around doing sexual things with every male I was around. I was very ashamed of everything that was going on, but I didn't know how to stop it.
I guess I haven't really talked about it in therapy that much because I still feel so much shame over it. I should have put a stop to it somehow,especially when I was older. Plus,there were many times I didn't mind it being done to me when I was real young, times I even liked it. It's such a hard subject to talk about, and I have so many different feelings about it all, and it feels so shameful to discuss. I don't know who is to blame, I blame myself for it all, but after watching something on tv last night, I have been thinking about it and trying to figure it all out. Sometimes I am not even sure it should be called 'abuse' since a majority of the time I was a willing participant. And because I didn't put a stop to it.
I haven't found anything here about sibling incest, so I guess I am looking for help and info.
---------- Post Merged at 08:28 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 07:16 AM ----------
It seems like I may have already talked about this,If I have,sorry for repeating myself.
My mother knew what was happening, she saw it happening many times. She would beat me for it, until I bled, and would tell me it was my fault because I was a girl. She said that's just how 'males' are, and that's just what they do,and if it happened to me, it was my fault(something she said whenever she knew anyone abused me). She treated me like I was this awful little girl that wanted these things to happen and assumed I was instigating these things. She never punished the boys for it because 'boys will be boys'.
The truth is, when I was very young, I don't think I knew it was wrong. It was just something that was done to me and I was used to it. When I was a little bit older, my brothers saw the neighbor boy(a teenager) molest me,and they used that against me. They threatened to tell mom what had been done to me so that I would do what they wanted. They knew I didn't want to be beaten for what Tom had done to me, so their threats worked(which,by the way, if mom would have found out,she would have beat me for it). They also used that to take my toys,my food,and to get me to do their chores for them. I was threatened and bribed with that on a daily basis.
I refused my dad when I was 15, I woke up with him on top of me, and fought him off of me, and he went to my mom and told her I had been in my brother's bedroom and was doing stuff with him, I think he did that to cover his own butt.He wanted to make me look bad,which worked. I didn't bother telling my mom what had really happened because I knew she wouldn't believe me anyway. It seemed like no matter what happened, I was always blamed. I always looked like this little whore that went around doing sexual things with every male I was around. I was very ashamed of everything that was going on, but I didn't know how to stop it.
I guess I haven't really talked about it in therapy that much because I still feel so much shame over it. I should have put a stop to it somehow,especially when I was older. Plus,there were many times I didn't mind it being done to me when I was real young, times I even liked it. It's such a hard subject to talk about, and I have so many different feelings about it all, and it feels so shameful to discuss. I don't know who is to blame, I blame myself for it all, but after watching something on tv last night, I have been thinking about it and trying to figure it all out. Sometimes I am not even sure it should be called 'abuse' since a majority of the time I was a willing participant. And because I didn't put a stop to it.
I haven't found anything here about sibling incest, so I guess I am looking for help and info.
---------- Post Merged at 08:28 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 07:16 AM ----------
It seems like I may have already talked about this,If I have,sorry for repeating myself.
