Sibling Incest

[bloodwood]

From every thing I have ever read heard or experienced I know it is very common to blame yourself. For sexual abuse, rape, physical abuse, etc for a couple of reasons. First is that the offender will often imply the you have some blame in the process (she dressed sexy, she didn't say no, she was asking for it). Second is that sometimes the society or other parties may imply it directly or indirectly as in the case of your mom.

I have also know other women and girls who dressed down or dressed like a boy. Sometimes it was just because they were self concious about their body and that's all. It might work and it might not but you know that they aren't happy. A lady or girl want to look nice and feel good about it. Not have to hide who they are. So right there you are punishing yourself by trying to defend yourself. And that is not fair to you.

All of these reasons are why we pursue help in forums and from doctors. We deserve to heal and we deserve to be happy and like ourselves.
We also deserve to feel safe in life don't we? If you don't feel ready to talk to a doctor this is a place to start but you should ultimately embrace the idea that talking about this to a doctor in person is where you can really begin to heal.
What I found is the more you can reveal, the more they can do to help you. But do it at a pace you are comfortable with. I reveal things when I am able but I never stop trying to expand what I'm comfortable with.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Again, everything you said is right on, Peter.

 

[bloodwood]

Thanks, I had a darned good teacher. And these truths have help me. :tennis:

---------- Post Merged at 09:12 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:53 PM ----------

One more thought,

You said: "I didn't have anybody to help me. And I was too ashamed to tell anyone what was going on."

This reminds me of my own family. Your parents are supposed to be your primary protectors. Then your siblings. So here you are, a child going through the worst kind of hell unable to trust your parents or family to rescue you. How could you ever trust anyone else could or would step in. I have known of people abused that did step forward to tell people and even then they were thought to be telling a lie or somehow at fault themself.

One thing I have seen in my lifetime is society going from near denial about abuse to an almost overprotective state about protecting children. (Children can't hug each other in a schoolyard here.) But what it means is that today a child is more aware that they can get help when things go wrong. It is a kind of progress and means that a few less people may go through what you endured.

 

[GDPR]

Talking about this here and thinking about it is stirring up so many different feelings. I feel so much shame and it literally makes me feel sick. But at the same time, I feel really pissed about it all too.

I had said I was a 'willing' participant, which, sometimes I was, when I was really young. Not exactly willing, more like I didn't know any better. Like I said before, I don't know when it all started because I don't ever remember it not happening. I guess I just went along with it because I knew there would be consequences if I didn't. Sometimes I did like it though, and that's what I feel ashamed of.

One of them raped me when I was a teenager. And I really have alot of shame for that because I wasn't a little kid anymore.It really made me feel like a worthless piece of sh*t. I tried to kill myself after that happened, it was like THE ultimate humiliation. I didn't want that to happen, I wasn't willing, and I just wanted to die because I knew I simply didn't matter. To anyone.

My brothers all still treat me like crap, that's why I don't get around them or talk to them. I feel like I hate them right now.Maybe I always did hate them but was too afraid to say it, I don't know.

 

[forgetmenot]

Your brother needs to be held accountable for what he did to you and your mother as well for not protecting you The best thing you can do now is to get away from all of them and not have any contact with any of their poison. oh god perhaps one day they will all get what they deserve but for now you look after YOU and YOu alone ok

I am sorry you went through all that but again just know you had no control ok but now you do so get away from them all if you can

 

[GDPR]

I am away from all of them now. I have been for awhile.

 

[ladybug1966]

Hi Lost_In_Thought,

I first want to begin with letting you know that I am so sorry you are going through all of these emotions right now. I can understand how difficult and confusing they are.

I, too, was raped and molested by someone in my direct family. No one in my family has been held accountable and they don't seem to 'believe' me, nor did they protect me. I am angry, one minute I hate them, the next I love them, and the next I have no idea who/what/where I am or anything. I told people (aunt, neighbor, etc) and still didn't get help as a child. It lasted through my teens. It's confusing as heck, but that's why we have therapists and doctors to help us sift through all of this. I, too, have chosen to distance myself from certain family members. If that's what helps you feel safe and takes care of you - by all means, that's all you need to focus on right now. Taking care of you is first and foremost.

I had said I was a 'willing' participant, which, sometimes I was, when I was really young. Not exactly willing, more like I didn't know any better. Like I said before, I don't know when it all started because I don't ever remember it not happening. I guess I just went along with it because I knew there would be consequences if I didn't. Sometimes I did like it though, and that's what I feel ashamed of.

I feel like I could have written that. It's like the abuse became a part or just was my life - but it isn't and it wasn't. What happened, as you know, was wrong. It is illegal and it is not your fault. You had no control over what happened to you or your mother's actions. They had the power, your parents were supposed to protect you, and they didn't. They broke your trust, which is hard to restore. You have nothing to be ashamed of, though that is a feeling that is difficult to release. (I think there is a post started on the forum about shame.) You do deserve care, support, and understanding from a T, friends, people here a psych links, and anyone else you can find that will listen that you can trust.

Keep fighting forward, Lost_In_Thought. It's a fight worth fighting for. It's your fight and you deserve everything from happiness to freedom.

Take care!

 

[bloodwood]

I agree with forgetmenot. While dealing with this stuff you don't need them in your life. Maybe later...and maybe not.

Lost_in_thought, you are opening doors and exploring some difficult stuff with the purpose of healing. Examining it weakens it and can give you peace and comprehension. You said it is stirring up all kinds of feelings and that is the way it works. These feelings have been repressed to a degree and they include feelings that have never been resolve. And they include feelings that belonged to a very young mind.
For me just going through a family album can send me reeling for a few days as I resort the stirred up feelings.

Sometimes working on this stuff is like climbing stairs. You struggle up a flight and then just stay there for a while, processing what you've learned. Then after a calm you might tackle another flight that builds on the previous. I happens at it's own pace. It happens with your therapist. It happens when you are alone just reflecting. The judgement of those who did those things mean nothing to you as an adult. In their way they were sick and also any of their judgments were skewed. Not truly valid.

Think of someone in your adult life who cares about you. A friend, doctor, storekeeper - people who have showed you compassion...and thereby valued you. Think of things you have done for others. This is who you are. You have value and are cared for today. You can find family outside your original family.
These terrible terrible acts against you don't determine your value. Your heart and mind and acts give you value. People in your life express your value by liking you. How hard you are working on this difficult thing gives you value. The caring of the people in this forum give you value.
Think about these things to balance the dark side of your thoughts and keep it in a fair perspective.

 

[GDPR]

I made the mistake of taking a phone call from one of my brothers. I thought it would be ok, thought I would have no problem with talking to him. But I was wrong. I don't remember the last time I cried that hard. Talking to him brought everything back, all the memories, all the feelings,etc. and I have been having a rough time since then.

It made me realize all the things that were done to me will HAVE to be talked about with my therapist. I guess they're not shoved down inside as deep as I thought they were.

 

[rdw]

I think it was very brave of you to take that call. You talked to him, you cried but you are still standing. And now you know that you need to work on this with your therapist.

 

[Cat Dancer]

You are so brave. This does need to be dealt with in therapy. I can't even say or type the I word.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Trust me, I kept that from my parents for about 20 years. Mind you, in my case, when I told my parents what happened, it didn't exactly work in my favour. But I'm not going to get into that. My friends I told sooner than I told my parents, and several of them shared the one time a babysitter did this or that or a stranger at a bus stop, or a kid their mom was fostering. I was shocked that so many people I told had something happen to them, too. 8( It did make me feel less alone, though.

I didn't tell a therapist until a few years a go. Because, like you, everything was bubbling to the surface. You can only shove that stuff down your own gullet long enough before it works its way out again. And although you're trying not to think of it and trying to block it out, it has pretty much the complete opposite effect. I think it's the miracle of the human mind: it knows when you're adult enough to be able to handle it.

And although it's sort of like when you have food poisoning, you feel a lot better when that nasty stuff comes out. So think of therapy and facing this fear as though you have some emotional food poisoning (because what you grew up with was the food your mind had to ingest, it didn't have a choice). You know what I mean? It feels nasty just bubbling inside the pit of your stomach, but afterward your head feels clear, and even if you got red eyes and a scratchy throat, it feels so good to get rid of that stuff that was making you feel so awful.

And then you get to have chicken soup or a popsicle or some apple juice (and it's the best you've ever tasted). That's when your therapist tells you it's not your fault. You can start to feel good about yourself. That big weight of guilt and shame and anger starts to leave you and you replace it with the good stuff that's supposed to be in there...

Bad stuff OUT. Good stuff IN! 8)

 

[GDPR]

Recently I had a memory come back, like a flashback, that was really hard to deal with at first. It felt so real, like it was happening now. I won't go into detail, because it's pretty sick, but I will say it involved all 3 of my brothers doing things to me while my dad watched.

I now know that I didn't enjoy or like the things that were done to me like I have always thought. I realize now that I tolerated the things that were done by dissociating all feelings. I was there physically but not mentally. I didn't even feel what was being done to me at all. It felt like a dream, like it wasn't real,I could see what was happening, but I didn't feel anything at all.

I'm actually glad I re-experienced that incident. As hard as it was at first, I think it has really helped. And I was able to talk about it during my last session.

 

[GDPR]

......and now I'm not feeling so good about talking about it during my last session.At first it felt...freeing or something,but now,It feels like I crossed some sort of imaginary line into perversion.

I don't really want to go back to therapy at all now.I don't want to face my therapist after what I told him last time. I really don't like how I am feeling about all of this.And I don't really understand why I am feeling the way I am.

The sad thing is,there's many more memories, all just as sick as what I told him last time. I feel really torn about how much else I should/need to tell. Merely saying that there were other incidents won't help me work through them,but at the same time,I'm not sure it's necessary to talk about every incident. I don't know whether I am supposed to just lump them all together or talk about each one.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think it's important to keep working on it in therapy. I think asking your therapist about working on each incident would be a good idea.

 

[forgetmenot]

Your therapist will know what to ask and when hun Let therapist take the lead there ok but you let him know if he is moving too fast
Talking about abuse will of course bring emotions to the fore front bring fears with it feelings of shame ect hun but to heal you have to work through it. NOt an easy task at all but with your therapist guidance you can do it You just started hun don't give up ok you can do it hugs

 

[GDPR]

I didn't ask my therapist whether I needed to talk about each incident because my head turned to jello while I was in there. As a matter of fact, I didn't really talk about anything at all and sat there like an idiot while he was saying things about avoidance or something(I wasn't really listening).

Now I feel a little frustrated because I know I need to talk about this stuff, yet it feels too hard to.

 

[GDPR]

I have been talking about it in therapy. It's definitely not an easy thing to do, I think I'm having a harder time talking about this than I have anything else. But I'm doing it.

 

[gardens]

That's great Lost in Thought! Good for you!!! :2thumbs:

 

[W00BY]

Take lots of time for yourself and try and relax at moments where your mind is throwing up thoughts you were not expecting/wanting.

Do whatever it takes to take the edge off what is a very tough and demanding time therapeutically, I used to find a good quality ice cream and a couple of days of mulling around the house and accepting that I was out of sorts for a few days after therapy all helped.

Well done on opening up to your therapist, that is half the battle.