Sibling Incest

[GDPR]

Something very strange though is I have been having problems with my asthma during sessions when I talk about this stuff. When it happens,my T will ask if I have my inhaler,but I haven't had to use it while in there yet.Instead,I am able to calm myself down and then my breathing is fine.

Is it possible that my asthma is related to the past?Is there a chance that it will get better as I work through all this? Curious cause it almost seems like it's all in my head.Almost like I just 'think' i have asthma.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's more likely that stress/anxiety aggravates your asthma.

 

[forgetmenot]

I agree with doctor Baxter hun stress can bring on a asthma attack Best that you carry your inhaler with you ok hugs

 

[W00BY]

The process of therapy makes me breathless and I don't have asthma,

I find the deeper and more emotional the session the stronger the breathless sensation.

I tend to find I also get it as I leave the office almost as if everything I have divulged and let out is sucking back in and I can't catch my breath

It is an odd sensation I have only ever experienced as a result of therapy.

 

[GDPR]

I guess I was thinking(hoping) that maybe it's just psychosomatic and maybe eventually I won't even need an inhaler or medical treatment for it.

Why am I able to stop an attack in its tracks without having to use an inhaler? Is it because I'm getting better at calming myself?

 

[GDPR]

Just sitting here thinking about everything.

It's hard to believe that I was sexually abused throughout my entire childhood,for the first 17 years of my life.Not just by one person,but by many different ones. But it's true. It happened.

And I'm still here. I'm not institutionalized, I'm not curled up in a fetal position or in a corner banging my head against a wall. I probably should be. And I'm assuming I probably would be if it weren't for the handy dissociative disorder I have.

I have been doing alot of thinking lately, and I really feel like I want to work through all of this and get to a place where I am able to help other abuse survivors somehow. I'm not sure what I would like to do,but I'm really feeling the urge/ need to do it.

I never thought I would be saying that.There's nothing good or positive about what I went through, but I was thinking if I could help others, maybe at least it would make everything I went through worthwhile.

I have always felt so worthless,but if I really could help others, then I wouldn't be,right?

 

[rdw]

LIT you are a survivor and to be admired for that. I think you are an inspiration to others and would be a great role model and compassionate support to fellow survivors.

 

[gardens]

Lost-in-thought,
You have already helped people by sharing your experience!

 

[MHealthJo]

Yes, LIT. I think people forget that this forum ranks well in Google, and although not a zillion people post regularly, I am always looking at how many are online. Always a TON of "guests" = Lurkers.

You simply have no idea how many people have read things and said... "Wow. She is so brave, and she has great ideas."
"Look at what has happened. But she talks to others. She learns stuff. And she's decided she's worthy of getting therapy and reaching out."

"If she is.... Maybe I am, too... "

"If she performs some of the functions she does... Maybe I could, too...."

Wanting to do something more, too, is wonderful and you'd be capable and you communicate ideas very well. There'd be a number of options of ways to help. And please remember that you can do quite a few things like that without having to reach some sort of "perfection" or "Ultimate Riddance" of like, the impact or the mental health issues... If there's something you want to do, you don't have to think, "Oh, I can't help anyone or support anyone until I have reached Utter Perfection myself"... You can still do it on your journey. I think support groups (or online ones) could be an example of where you can do it while you're well and truly still on the journey.

You are absolutely right that it allows many people to form some sort of "meaning" out of a terrible thing that has happened, that shouldn't have happened, but did. Like Viktor Frankl's story ( which I STILL haven't read! )

Great thinking.

 

[GDPR]

I made the mistake of taking a phone call from one of my brothers,and to be honest,I haven't been doing very well since then.

He started talking about all of this,I told him I didn't want to talk about it,but he asked me to please just listen to him.I agreed because I thought maybe he was going to apologize or say he was wrong or felt remorse,or something similar.

Instead,he went into detail about an incident that I don't even remember at all and had the nerve to say "I wanted to #%#% you so bad when you were little".He also told me how much fun he had and how much he liked doing the things he did to me. He was actually bragging about the things he did.

Of couse,I said what I thought.I told him what he did was wrong,that he abused me,that it's not ok and asked what was wrong with him,why was he bragging about it,etc.

He said it wasn't abuse,that we were just kids.He said it was just what kids do,and it was normal.I told him it was NOT normal,it was wrong,it was abuse,it doesn't matter that we were kids,he was alot older than me and he knew what he was doing,that he never left me alone,that I didn't have a choice,etc.

He sounded surprised and confused and said " are you crazy", " you liked it".He talked about a time when he was going to do a certain thing and I told him not to do that and was telling him no,that I didn't want to,but that he could do what he 'usually' did.........

I am shaking as I write this,and I feel sick.There is something seriously wrong with him.He really believes there was nothing wrong with what he did all those years.And I am so glad he lives far away from me because I am afraid that from the way he was talking he would try to do the same things now.

I have been having major anxiety since talking to him,to the point it makes me feel like I will black out or something.I can't sleep,been watching over my shoulder....all my PTSD symptoms are in high gear.

I don't know how to deal with this.I guess what bothers me most is him saying I liked it.I guess there were times that I did. I feel so ashamed of that.

And I also feel ashamed of him,of my entire family,of everything.I even feel ashamed for writing this because it's such a personal and taboo subject.

But I really,really need to hear something that will help me make sense of this.....I need to hear something because I feel so overwhelmed with mixed thoughts and feelings right now.

 

[rdw]

First I am so sorry that you had to go through that abuse again because to me that phone call was abusive. Secondly you were a little girl when those incidents took place and had no ability to stop them from happening. What happened to you was not normal by any standards and not the usual curiosity of children. I'm glad that you were able to express your feelings and tell him that what he did was wrong even though he tried to justify his actions. - classic abuser strategy.
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story.

 

[MHealthJo]

I am so sorry LIT.

You did very well with what you said and you were very brave.

There is nothing to be ashamed for in what happened because you were a young child and were in absolutely no position to understand the things that were happening to you at the time, and even if you did, it was very scary and you were in a position of weakness at the time.

And there is nothing to be ashamed or feel bad for in talking about it. That will help you to heal and to get stronger. And it will help other people to understand and know what is normal and healthy, and and will help other people to have healthy journeys and to heal as well.

It will also help a cycle of problems which may have existed in your family for generations, to stop.

It is very scary and must feel horrible. But that does not mean that you have done anything wrong or it was not OK to say how you feel and say what you now know, or to ask others for help in the feelings that come or to share your story.

It is just scary and that is just how it will feel sometimes when you stand up for what you now know and how you feel, and for your right to get support and go on a healing journey.

I forget the full details of what age your brothers were. But there must be something quite wrong... "up there" - for certain things to happen, and also with the fact that parents were present or knew things were happening. There can be a lot wrong in multiple people, and we don't yet fully understand exactly what is happening in a brain and a human body that are behaving a certain way. And then, these people may very well try to perpetuate what was happening and try to get others to keep their wrong viewpoint of it. Who knows how twisted people may be that they may truly believe it is 'not that bad' or something. Who knows whether they do, or whether they are just trying to make their actions 'okay'. Very often it is the second one.

But whatever might or might not be wrong with people's brains or thinking, it is still not right what they have done. And it is absolutely okay and right and good for us, now that we are much older and have more power, to say no and to say what is normal and healthy and what is not. We have taken a very good and excellent step to just find out what is normal and healthy and what is not, and to be brave enough to say what we have learned.

Someone who has experienced these things and gotten the courage to do this, and to live their life and to reach out to others for help or for healthy interaction, and to even help more people they haven't met by bravely sharing their journey, has a lot to feel proud about. And as they get used to the challenges of this journey it will feel more and more okay and less scary and horrible to carry on in this journey.

xxooxxoo

---------- Post Merged at 07:47 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 07:23 PM ----------

(P.S. I hope you start to feel better but please keep us posted if you need more support. And do not feel that it is wrong or weak to feel terrible and need some more support, or for however long it takes for the feelings to subside a little. If there aren't many people online now or you need more direct support, please keep in mind support helplines like Samaritans etc, or specific ones for what you have been through, in your area.... Or your therapist if he would be available to take a phone call. You are worth whatever support you need.) xxoo

 

[gardens]

Hi Lost in Thought,
First of all - what a horrible, horrible phone call. I'm so sorry - he is sick and twisted.
You did not do anything wrong. He/they we wrong. What they did to you was wrong.

I guess what bothers me most is him saying I liked it.I guess there were times that I did. I feel so ashamed of that.

I remember watching an Oprah show where she had Tyler Perry on. He was sexually abused as a child, the whole audience was full of men who had been sexually abused - it was tragic. I remember a few men including Perry talking about the shame of being aroused during the abuse. He too felt ashamed that he was aroused and probably thought the same thing as you, that he thought he liked it.
When the human body is physically, sexually stimulated it is NORMAL to feel sensations of arousal even in an abusive situation. It is a physical response. It doesn't mean you liked it.

I wish I could give you a big hug right now - and tell you that you don't have to carry this guilt with you.

 

[GDPR]

Thanks for the replies.

I was just starting to feel hopeful and positive and really was beginning to think I might be able to, I don't know, find my way through all of this somehow,and then the phone call took me right back down again.I'm not having the major anxiety anymore, that has subsided. It's been replaced with feelings of such deep worthlessness and insignificance. The same way my family has always made me feel.

I'm sure I will eventually get over this, but right now, it just really hurts and has really stirred up old feelings.

 

[MHealthJo]

You are strong, resourceful and cool LIT... I hope this setback won't last too long...
I am sure you will be able to feel more positive on your path again soon.

Maybe you can use it next time you see your therapist, to discuss triggers and things like that, recap how to navigate threats to your wellbeing... a chance to get more and more comfortable with your toolbox...

We will be thinking of you... You are worthy and significant, and no amount of sick behaviour in sick or twisted people has one speck of connection with your worth or significance. xoxo

 

[GDPR]

I am starting to feel better now.

I sure didn't expect my brother to say the things he did. And I wish he hadn't said them, but he did. I do realize he is very seriously mentally ill now and that I need to avoid any and all contact with him. I do feel a little sad for him though, I won't lie, only because of who and how he is.

 

[forgetmenot]

I am glad you are feeling a little better today hugs

 

[MHealthJo]

It's okay to feel a little sad for really sick people, and I guess with family especially, to still have some sort of care for that "person" who is absolutely buried under sickness/twistedness.

But yeah. The reality that exists, for us to deal with in practical terms, is the sickness and twistedness. It's there and it can threaten our wellness. So we've gotta make tricky choices to first ensure our own health and sanity before other things, with guidance and assistance to navigate this, when it's tricky. Hard but worth it!

And in doing this we are showing anyone, who may one day be interested, what is right and healthy and what isn't, what paths to try to get onto, and the importance of certain things we are choosing to stand for - such as health and healing.

When it's tricky, we can try to remind ourselves that surely the fundamental level of caring for another person is to be clear about what is healthy and what is right. Surely that would be the only way to hold out some sort of care or hope to the "healthy potential" or original essence that could be buried deep under the sickness, and not encourage or feed the sickness and twistedness that is dominating.

xx

 

[GDPR]

My brother has been trying to call me, but I don't take his calls.

I can't help but wonder what it is he wants to say to me, wonder if he wants to apologize or tell me what he did was wrong. But I just can't take the chance on having him say anything like he did during our last conversation. Why put myself through that again?

I do care about my brother, and I do feel bad for him. I feel bad for all of my brothers and my sister because we all have definite issues from our childhood. I honestly don't believe any of them would have done the things they did if our childhood would have been different.

What I am struggling with now is all the 'shoulda,woulda,couldas'. I feel so much anger when I sit and think about all of it now. I know I can't go back and change the past. I know nothing can be undone and that I have to find some way to make peace with it all.

 

[forgetmenot]

Talk to your therapist and maybe if therapist is ok with it have your brother talk to you while therapist is present.
No one can undue the past so right now all you can do is to look after you. I have been trying to undue the past the harm and um it is to hard ok oh god right now Just look after YOU that is the most important thing to do i wish your whole family could receive the support necessary to heal hugs