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[Cin]

6 weeks of being self harm free almost went down the drain today. didnt take much, all it took was my mum to put her hand on my back as a sign for affection and start being nice, and i start hyperventilating. I feel like a right freak, anyone else would have thought "aww thats nice shes actually being nice and shows she cares" but not me. I got scared flinched, then froze then started hyperventilating and the urges came flooding back. I don't know why i felt so guilty for her doing that, she never does it, this is the first time. Im sitting here still thinking i need to be punished...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

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Punished for what?

 

[Cin]

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It gona sound silly but.....being punished for feeling like that in the first place. I mentally want one thing and psyically do the other.If i know i shuldnt be feeling a certain way in a context then it just makes me more angry at myself. its another mistake.Everything is another mistake.

 

[ThatLady]

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It's common for people to blame themselves for what they feel, Cin. Yet, feelings are just that: feelings. We really can't always control them. They just happen. If the feelings are negative or destructive, the best we can do is to not act on them, and make every effort to put them aside and replace them with something more positive. It takes a lot of effort, and practice, to get good at doing this. Once you have mastered it, you have as much control as you'll ever have over your feelings. You'll still have negative, destructive thoughts now and then. Everybody does.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

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There's nothing wrong with making mistakes. Making mistakes is how we learn to make better decisions. We all do it.

But in this case, no mistake was made. You thought about SI but didn't do it. The fact that you thought about it was a reversion to old habits. That you didn't do it is progress and triumph.

 

[Cin]

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7 weeks has just gone down the drain. im never seem too tired when it comes to this.i don't want this anymore, just want everything to disappear, I can't carry on being me.

 

[Cat Dancer]

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Sorry you're feeling so badly.

try to look at it like this: You've had one slipup in seven weeks. That's something to be proud of. I've had two slipups in four weeks and three days and I'm pretty pleased with that.

We have to counter those negative thoughts of failure and wanting to disappear with positive thoughts. It will take some time because we've become used to putting ourselves down and having other people put us down.

Also, I really, really think that you could benefit from counseling to help you with this.

 

[Cin]

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You're right, iam forgetting the fact that it has been seven weeks....such a long time...I will try and look at it this way, I have to remebe that im not alone here; i do foget that alot. Im sorry your going through the same thing..Iam seeing a psychologist at the momment, ive just started so i`ll talk to him about it tomorw. Are you getting counselling if you don't mind me asking, how is it helping you?

 

[ThatLady]

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Congratulate yourself for seven weeks free of self injury, hon. That's a wonderful move forward. One slip doesn't mean failure, and you've only just started your therapy.

Hugs to you!

 

[Cin]

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Thank you, *hugs*
The thing is it doesnt feel like a slipup which is the way i should be viewing it; it feels like the start of another ride. argh im sorry, ive always got something negative to say.
Thank you though,really

 

[Cat Dancer]

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You're right, iam forgetting the fact that it has been seven weeks....such a long time...I will try and look at it this way, I have to remebe that im not alone here; i do foget that alot. Im sorry your going through the same thing..Iam seeing a psychologist at the momment, ive just started so i`ll talk to him about it tomorw. Are you getting counselling if you don't mind me asking, how is it helping you?

I'm not able to see anyone at this time. I hope to soon. I am trying to get through the hard times by reading a lot about changing my negative thinking. It helps to come here.

It's a safe place to vent. Always remember that, even if you are having a down time it's ok to vent those negative feelings. Don't worry about that.

I hope you will begin to feel much better soon.

 

[Cin]

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Thank you, i wish i could read like i used to. I hope everything is ok for you.
Cin