Teenager of 17 wants to be babied?

[sambo]

Hi 1st of all not sure if in right place if not please feel free to correct me with correct forum.

I have 5 children ranging in ages from 18 months to 17 years old. I will try and outline the problem the best I can. I am somewhat new to this so bear with me.

The 17 year olds are twins, then a 14 year old, and an 8 year old, and last is 18 months old. I am a single parent and am fairly well open to most things until yesterday when one of my twins asked to speak to me and asked me to treat him like a baby. He has organized to by the nappies and other baby stuff he wants. I have been suspect of his wearing nappies before approx 2-3 years ago i found nappies in his room while looking for something else. I did question at the time and he denied any knowledge. Then about a month later found more in his room.

This time I took him to see a specialist and psychiatrist and was told at the time was nothing to be worried about. I was also informed this has nothing to do with real children. Also that there is a possibility he will outgrow this. I was advised not to lose control of myself too as this could make situation worse. I do tell all my children they can talk to me about anything and if there's anyway possible I will help where I can. I guess what I am trying to say is help what the hell do I do here I am speechless. I told him I would have to really think about this and will not be pressured.

If anyone else has had any similar problem I would love to hear your thoughts.

Many thanks

Sambo

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Sambo, you indicate that your are a single parent. How long has that been the case?

Did these children all have the same mother? Or different mothers? Were any of the children adopted? Is the mother/mothers an acive part of their lives, especially the son in question?

How long have you been single parenting them, especially the boy in question? What was his developmental history like? Would there be any reason to wonder about abandonment issues, attachment issues, or that sort of thing in his case?

 

[sambo]

Thank you David. I should have explained mother died in childbirth last child unexpected complications. All children were from same mother and all get on very well together;

 

[David Baxter PhD]

How long ago did the mom pass away? Given that the youngest is only 18 months, I would guess that it was fairly recent. Your 17 year old may be exhibiting a form of grief reaction, perhaps compounded by feelings of having been displaced by younger siblings in competing for your attention/affections and for the attention/affection of his mother.

Does any of that resonate with your observations?

 

[sambo]

I should have pointed out that I always have brought the children up on the basis that I don't have favorites all of the are treated equally and loved equally.

---------- Post Merged at 12:55 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 12:52 AM ----------

How long ago did the mom pass away? Given that the youngest is only 18 months, I would guess that it was fairly recent. Your 17 year old may be exhibiting a form of grief reaction, perhaps compounded by feelings of having been displaced by younger siblings in competing for your attention/affections and for the attention/affection of his mother.

Does any of that resonate with your observations?

I had thought along those lines however as he was already caught previously before the birth of last child. That had kind of ruled out that point I thought

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Fair enough, but children don't always interpret the behavior of parents as the parents intend, so that doesn't rule out the possibility that this child (adolescent) is struggling with individuality and self-concept in trying to figure out how to get his own needs met as (a) a twin and (b) the oldest along with the twin in a family with a lot of siblings. Add that to a grief reaction and his behavior may seem less unusual or odd.

I had thought along those lines however as he was already caught previously before the birth of last child. That had kind of ruled out that point I thought

No. Because, as noted above, he is a twin and an older child who may have been failing in getting his emotional needs met long before the birth of the youngest. And now grief is added into the picture.

 

[sambo]

Fair enough, but children don't always interpret the behavior of parents as the parents intend, so that doesn't rule out the possibility that this child (adolescent) is struggling with individuality and self-concept in trying to figure out how to get his own needs met as (a) a twin and (b) the oldest along with the twin in a family with a lot of siblings. Add that to a grief reaction and his behavior may seem less unusual or odd.




No. Because, as noted above, he is a twin and an older child who may have been failing in getting his emotional needs met long before the birth of the youngest. And now grief is added into the picture.

I suppose you could have a point but where do I go from here I have never noticed any difference in the way he behaved. That would give any indication of anything odd. He is very loving as are his siblings and very intelligent.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

My guess is that this has nothing to do with jealousy or whether or not he is loving, but rather more to do with sensitivity and, given his age, the normal struggles that teens have with identity and self-concept.

What you describe her suggests to me unmet emotional needs of some kind, a longing for something, a sense of having lost something or being deprived of something.

Where do you go from here? It depends how receptive he is to the idea of talking to someone. Some teens, especially male teens, worry a lot about trying to hide things about themselves that they consider to reveal "weakness". If that describes your son, it may be an impediment to counseling or psychotherapy at this time.

And sometimes, it really is a matter of you, as a parent, resp[ecting his privacy and his right to make his own decisions. Letting him know that you are fully behind him if he needs support or wants to talk to you or anyone else may be the best strategy at this point.

I've said in the past that teenagers are like cats... sometimes you have more success in establishing a positive relationship by letting them come to you than by chasing after them.

 

[sambo]

My guess is that this has nothing to do with jealousy or whether or not he is loving, but rather more to do with sensitivity and, given his age, the normal struggles that teens have with identity and self-concept.

What you describe her suggests to me unmet emotional needs of some kind, a longing for something, a sense of having lost something or being deprived of something.

Where do you go from here? It depends how receptive he is to the idea of talking to someone. Some teens, especially male teens, worry a lot about trying to hide things about themselves that they consider to reveal "weakness". If that describes your son, it may be an impediment to counseling or psychotherapy at this time.

And sometimes, it really is a matter of you, as a parent, resp[ecting his privacy and his right to make his own decisions. Letting him know that you are fully behind him if he needs support or wants to talk to you or anyone else may be the best strategy at this point.

I've said in the past that teenagers are like cats... sometimes you have more success in establishing a positive relationship by letting them come to you than by chasing after them.

Thank you again your reply makes sense

He is not the kind to chat to strangers about his problems and while I am pleased he felt he could come to me and openly discuss his feelings/wants.

I just was so unsure of whether to let him have his way. His twin sibling is aware and seems ok about it and more or less told me to chill out and that he sees no harm in what his brother wants to do and told me to be thankful as there are a lot worse things he could be doing to his body. I wasn't expecting this in anyway shape or form and I suppose it freaked me out slightly. I do support my children no mater what they turn out to be as long as what they do don't hurt anyone else.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I am certain you do, Sambo. As a parent of (now) adult children, I know how difficult it can be, but with adolescents often the best strategy is "monitoring/parenting from a distance".

See:

Transitioning With Teens: Letting Go and Staying Connected

Faces of Teenage Depression

Growing Up Male

Raising Sons

 

[sambo]

I am certain you do, Sambo. As a parent of (now) adult children, I know how difficult it can be, but with adolescents often the best strategy is "monitoring/parenting from a distance".

See:

Transitioning With Teens: Letting Go and Staying Connected

Faces of Teenage Depression

Growing Up Male

Raising Sons

I Thank you again very helpful.
I would like to ad that while my son is prepared to talk to me and discuss his problems. He has indeed bought nappies himself and wants to be put back into nappies. Also wants to be fed and dressed like a baby. He seems to have put some thought into this and while I am not about to give him what he wants until I have made inquiries and sought further advice. I hope this makes kinda sense

 

[forgetmenot]

I saw a show on this not too long ago where adults were doing this wanting to be treated as an infant just like your son does. perhaps he has got this idea from such a show on internet and is trying it out Did you ask him where this idea came from.

 

[Banned]

Infantilism isn't as rare or uncommon as many people think and it is more common in males than females although the reason for that is not clear. However, it is not a topic that is easily spoken about so your son is very brave in coming forward to you.

I have a bit of knowledge in this subject area and I would agree with Dr. Baxter's line of thinking on the "why" or "where is this coming from?".

You do not necessarily need to do anything; you can be supportive by allowing your son to explore this need on his own without actively engaging in it and letting him know that youre ok with him experimenting around the house. If you are not ok with that, maybe you can reach some sort of compromise whereby he doesn't openly engage but keeps it to himself in private.

For some people infantilism is a highly sexual (erotic) experience and you don't mention that this is the case with your son although it may be because he hasn't mentioned it either, or it may be because for him it truly is more about that emotional attachment / detachment that has affected him in some way that needs to be discovered and recovered. You engaging in the process with him will likely not help him from a therapeutic perspective but may help him feel more secure and accepted temporariliy. I would expect though that at some point, when he is ready, some psychotherapy may be in order to help him out with this long-term.

 

[sambo]

I saw a show on this not too long ago where adults were doing this wanting to be treated as an infant just like your son does. perhaps he has got this idea from such a show on internet and is trying it out Did you ask him where this idea came from.

Hi Forgetme not
He doesn't know where the idea came from but did say that for a few years he has been experimenting on his "baby" side and he has come to the conclusion he wants to be babied. As far as I am aware he hadn't seen anything on net or on tv. But I can't verify that without going into his history on computer and I will leave that for the moment. Thanks though for the reply food for thought..

---------- Post Merged at 01:02 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 12:51 AM ----------

Infantilism isn't as rare or uncommon as many people think and it is more common in males than females although the reason for that is not clear. However, it is not a topic that is easily spoken about so your son is very brave in coming forward to you.

I have a bit of knowledge in this subject area and I would agree with Dr. Baxter's line of thinking on the "why" or "where is this coming from?".

You do not necessarily need to do anything; you can be supportive by allowing your son to explore this need on his own without actively engaging in it and letting him know that youre ok with him experimenting around the house. If you are not ok with that, maybe you can reach some sort of compromise whereby he doesn't openly engage but keeps it to himself in private.

For some people infantilism is a highly sexual (erotic) experience and you don't mention that this is the case with your son although it may be because he hasn't mentioned it either, or it may be because for him it truly is more about that emotional attachment / detachment that has affected him in some way that needs to be discovered and recovered. You engaging in the process with him will likely not help him from a therapeutic perspective but may help him feel more secure and accepted temporariliy. I would expect though that at some point, when he is ready, some psychotherapy may be in order to help him out with this long-term.

Hi Turtle.
Thanks for the reply.
I take your point and think it's well thought out. I have no problem as such with him doing this myself but I suppose what I am frightened of is the 3 younger siblings. he wants to be babied exactly as a baby he even wants to use a highchair and be a baby around the house. While his 17 year old twin seems to think it's ok and is prepared to go along with it as far as I know that is I am no so sure about whether the younger ones should see this. As far as sexual attraction he tells me no. He likes being a baby and just that there is no reason he tells me. At the moment I have no reason to doubt this as I have little else to go on.
Thanks again
Sambo

 

[Banned]

There are certainly some limitations into how far your son can take this in that baby items such as high chairs are not made to hold the size or weight of a 17 year old person, so your son's behaviour may end up being self-limiting in that manner anyway. Has your son discussed this behaviour with this friends and peers? Is it something he sees as normal or something he feels he needs to hide (from his friends)?

I'm certainly not an expert in this but while your son says there is no reason for this, ultimately there is. However, as Dr. Baxter has said when it comes to teenagers pushing won't get you far so it can be a matter of waiting for him. He may pass through this on his own or down the road he may want or need some help to figure it all out. At this point though talking and listening and being supportive might be your best strategy. Something is going on but as long as he is safe its probably ok to let him take the time to figure it out.

 

[sambo]

Ok Turtle I thank you again for your reply. Today I have been chatting to both my twins. The upshot still no further ahead I know he has been taking his baby brothers nappies when he can. I also know that he has now bought his own. He was using tape to keep the smaller ones in place apparently. You mentioned in your post that a highchair would not be suitable for him again apparently he fits in the one we have for the 18 month old quite easily. I haven't seen this his twin has and he's talking about buying one for himself of the same kind. I have told him I need more time to assess the situation and if and when I make a decision I will let him know. He tells me that he likes to feel like a baby and don't know what started it and that for him it's non sexual. He has 2 very good friends as far as I am aware he has told one of them. I also know that the friend he told is gay and doesn't care, he still remains a very good friend my son has said he's not gay but not into any sort of relationship this is all he wants. He also would like to have a cot he's seen spare one in attic that used to be his or his brothers and asked me could he use it instead. As you can imagine it's a lot to take in and I am going round in circles. I also found out that his twin brother while he seems "normal" helped his twin get into highchair. That is all he did. I did forget to point out that I mention about his friends or peers thinking he was "normal" and I was asked what do I mean normal. I tried to explain about being gay/straight etc but he thinks he's normal in a different way. I don't know anymore at end of my tether and can't see a way through this. There were no raised voices on either side and had a lot of discussion but seemed to get nowhere. He seems to have his mind made up. So what is my next move he won't seek help of advice outside at the moment I seem to be caught in the middle?

 

[sambo]

I did forget to mention that while he wants to be a baby he said he wants to try it and see how it goes. I myself have no problem if that's what he wants BUT!! There are younger siblings and I am worried the effect this may have on them. I suppose this is really my only worry. Yesterday when I was talking to him and his twin he had tears in his eyes more or less pleading with me to let him do this. My heart did melt and nearly falter but I couldn't help but think about the others. I am aware this is something that may be just a phase but I don't know and that if I let him be a baby where and when will it end? I have so many questions but no answers. I did try to reason yesterday mentioning his younger siblings and what the reaction of other people would be. He tells me it's none of their business and no he won't let me take him to discuss it with a professional therapist. I tried everything I could think of to make him see sense. His twin brother who shares same room at the moment is also adamant he doesn't not want his room turned into a nursery for his twin as he has to sleep there too. That was discussed if I let him be a baby in private. We are in the process of extending the house so that everyone will have their own room eventually. But for now twins are in same room and 8 and 14 are in other room and baby has nursery. While all the rooms are big enough to share I felt at the time this was the best way to make use of what we had at the time and privacy is a concern for all of them. Maye not yet for younger 8 year old but certainly 14 year old and twins. I hope that clarifies matters slightly and any advice welcome.
Thanks again
Sambo

 

[sambo]

Hi all.
Although I have no answers to my questions as yet I have another. I made a phone call to a psychotherapist today. I explained the problem to her and she seemed to think that the way forward was to let my son have his way. Then perhaps after he'd got his way that maybe the lure of things that would be the trappings of any teenager would be missed example his games, phone freedom to come and go as he pleases may be the beginning of the 1st stage of seeking help. Then perhaps she could do a home visit and try and analyze him in his home surroundings. Where he would be more relaxed and inclined to open up. Even if not the 1st visit she thinks there would definitely be more progress made this way? As for the other siblings she also thinks there shouldn't be a problem there either by explaining to the other children that their brother has had a kind of breakdown and that he will get better with time, but to be really supportive and understanding till he gets better but definitely make sure not to neglect spending time with them as well don't make this son the only focus in the family unit? How does this sound to all you out there does she have a point or would this definitely be a no no and if so how would you handle it? What other options are open to me to help my son seek help?
Thanks
Sambo

 

[Banned]

I think if you've reached out to a psychotherapist you need to trust the advice or opinion of that therapist, as a starting point and go from there. You have to start somewhere so see how things go and then work with her on a plan.

 

[sambo]

I think if you've reached out to a psychotherapist you need to trust the advice or opinion of that therapist, as a starting point and go from there. You have to start somewhere so see how things go and then work with her on a plan.

Hi Turtle.
Thanks very much for your reply. It does indeed look as though the psychotherapist is correct then. I haven't told my son yet that I have sought advice and I hope that all will work out properly in the end. I believe he has highchair bought although I haven't seen it yet and I planned to get cot out of attic tomorrow. Do I put the cot in the nursery with his baby brother. I know this would be the most logical place. I am unsure how to initiate this to start with. There are so many things that scream no to me but I suppose I am gonna have to see this through for the moment anyway. Any Ideas on how to initiate this would probably be a help. I have no idea at present and am open to suggestion.
Thanks again for all your help
Sambo.