Teenager of 17 wants to be babied?

[sambo]

It sounds as though the new therapist is approaching this with an open and scientific mind. I would be encouraged by that.

Thanks David.
I have been asked a question by therapist today. He said he had been consulting with a colleague on this who apparently has had the situation arise before not sure of details but he asked would I be prepared to if I was comfortable with situation treat my son as a baby? He asked what age my son thinks he is when acting out this? I haven't answered yet cause I am not sure of either answer I told him I would think it over. He said that the full baby thing might be essential for the therapy to have any chance of succeeding but understands my hesitation. I really dont know I can if I thought that it would work but what if it doesn't? Let me know what you think? Thanks Sambo

---------- Post Merged at 01:33 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 12:59 PM ----------

I forgot to say although I asked a similar question before it wasn't me that had to be changing nappies etc. This therapist feels that I have to make the move and tell him this is what is going to happen. Sorry about that I pressed send before I finished proof reading. Thanks again
Sambo

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I have to say that I am rather skeptical of the approach these two therapists have suggested on several grounds.

1. One problem is that it holds the rest of the family hostage to this one child's issue/problem.

2. Another is that eventually your son needs to be able to adapt to a world in which anything even slightly different from the norm may make him a target. Reinforcing behavior this far from the norm may condemn him to a life of isolation and alienation.

What are the credentials of the two therapists, the first one and this current one? What is their level of training? For example, are they social workers? psychologists? coaches? what degrees do they hold?

Are there any psychiatrists in your area?

 

[sambo]

Thanks David for the reply the current proposed therapist holds an Advanced Diploma in Psychotherapeutic Counselling. As for his colleague I have no Idea.
Lisa has PH.D in counseling psychology she was also a licensed social worker. I psychiatrists are few and far between in this locality. I did approach before and was referred to psychotherapist. I am glad I posted the question now. This is why, anything I am unsure of helps to get another outside point of view. However I should point out my other children are fully aware of my Son's activity. Lisa made me tell the rest of the family that their brother had had a breakdown and that he will get better but needs help to retrain his brain. They were not the exact words but along that description. They have seen him in his baby clothes and nappies and he sleeps in a cot/crib in his shared room. I am gonna hold off contacting this therapist again meantime until I can make more inquiries. Incidentally son pictures himself a 6month old when he goes into his baby mode. Thanks again take care Sambo

 

[sambo]

Hi All.
Taking David Baxters advice or concerns on board...
I think, well rather I hope I am making progress. I had a good long chat with the son in question at the weekend. I have told him I want to him to see a psychologist. Not at home but at the surgery or clinic whatever suits. I have explained that this cannot continue and that it is making life very difficult for all the family. I have located a psychologist approx 1 hour from here who has been recommended by the health and welfare office. I have explained to my Son that it at the very least would hopefully get to the bottom of his fetish even if he comes away not cured at least we will be able to understand the reasoning behind it. However my Son has always insisted that he will not see a psychologist and no way no how. He has agreed now however, BUT... he wants to make a concession on the basis that if he agrees to go and seek help then he wants to spend 2 weeks as a baby beforehand. That is his request if he goes along with me. He said although he's not ready to seek help he would if I let him do this?
What do you think should I come back with a counter offer of some sort (looking for suggestions) or do I go ahead and allow?? To me I am sitting on the fence I don't know which way to jump. Any help/advice welcome thanks and take care.
Sambo

 

[Budoaiki]

Sambo,

I think showing where you stand by not letting your son get accustomed to the behaviour or normalizing it would be healthier for him and the rest of your family.

In my opinion the patience and compassion you've expressed and demonstrated for your son and your family in dealing with this is truly inspiring.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I agree with Budoaiki. You have finally set down some boundaries and told your son what you can and cannot do. Laying down boundaries for yourself and your other children is something that is not up for negotiation.

You are offering him help with someone qualified to help him and not just encourage the rest of the family to let him have his own way. This is, in my opinion, a step forward for everyone.

I see no benefit to be gained from backing down from that forward step.

 

[sambo]

Sambo,

I think showing where you stand by not letting your son get accustomed to the behaviour or normalizing it would be healthier for him and the rest of your family.

In my opinion the patience and compassion you've expressed and demonstrated for your son and your family in dealing with this is truly inspiring.

Thank you. Kind words appreciated. Although I haven't agreed with him yet to meet his request. I do feel a slight twinge of guilt. I know. It's hard to explain but I kinda felt that because we were getting somewhere I had to appease him somehow.
Thanks Again
Sambo

---------- Post Merged at 01:34 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 01:28 AM ----------

I agree with Budoaiki. You have finally set down some boundaries and told your son what you can and cannot do. \laying down boundaries for yourself and your other children is something that is not up for negotiation.

You are offering him help with someone qualified to help him and not just encourage the rest of the family to let him have his own way. This is, in my opinion, a step forward for everyone.


I see no benefit to be gained from backing down from that forward step.

Thanks Again David
Advice taken in I will put it to him that I refuse in the morning will let you know how it goes...
Great..
Take care
Sambo

 

[sambo]

Hi All.
I had a further discussion earlier with my Son. However not good I told him that I wasn't going to let him have his way and that we will be going to see a psychiatrist as soon as poss. He is determined no way and has decided he is going to move out in a week then it's up to him what he does. Telling me that he will use the services of a pro!! He knows I cannot force him to go to seek help and he will not do so. I have now no idea what to do. His twin brother has had a go at me saying that he thinks I am wrong to force him to give it up. He also said that while it may not be the "norm" who's to say what is and if his brother was doing drugs or vandalism or anything to that extreme then I would have something to complain about. He feels that if this is how his brother is then so be it. He also said that if I don't cool it my Son in question will end up resenting me. Also if he does go out on his own who knows what he would be doing or getting into at least at home it's a safe environment. I am getting it from all sides. How do I continue now? I don't want my Son to move out in fact it would be the last thing I want. I love all my children and I hate the thought of losing any of them. I hope someone here has some answers because I now am completely lost.
Many thanks
Sambo

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I highly doubt that it's even practical for your son to move out. He is trying to intimidate you. Even if he does, where will he go and how long will he last? And how is that going to help him indulge his fetish?

This specific issue - i.e., the standoff between parent and child - has nothing to do with normality or abnormality. It has to do with helping him to work through whatever issues are behind him and learn to find safe and private ways to indulge his fetish or fantasies. How is he going to survive in a world which is very intolerant of anything or anyone "different" if he doesn't learn this? It also has to do with respecting the rights and sensibilities of other people around him.

I think his twin is also only looking at it from your son's point of view and even then not very broadly. I would try to talk to both of them about the issue of safety and intolerance. Like it or not, we all have to live in this world - the world doesn't change for us so we need to learn how to accommodate the world and other people living in it. Or, quite bluntly, we don't survive.

 

[rdw]

The practicalities are : does your son work? Does he make enough money to support himself and his needs? Further does he make enough money to hire the services of a pro and all that entails? It's pretty easy to say I'm moving out when you've never bought a carton of milk or a loaf of bread.

 

[sambo]

I highly doubt that it's even practical for your son to move out. He is trying to intimidate you. Even if he does, where will he go and how long will he last? And how is that going to help him indulge his fetish?

This specific issue - i.e., the standoff between parent and child - has nothing to do with normality or abnormality. It has to do with helping him to work through whatever issues are behind him and learn to find safe and private ways to indulge his fetish or fantasies. How is he going to survive in a world which is very intolerant of anything or anyone "different" if he doesn't learn this? It also has to do with respecting the rights and sensibilities of other people around him.

I think his twin is also only looking at it from your son's point of view and even then not very broadly. I would try to talk to both of them about the issue of safety and intolerance. Like it or not, we all have to live in this world - the world doesn't change for us so we need to learn how to accommodate the world and other people living in it. Or, quite bluntly, we don't survive.

Thanks for replying David
I do agree with you and everything you say. I have a sneaking suspicion that my Son's gay friend is offering to put him up. I don't know for sure and although I have nothing against his friend I think that may be the place where he maybe thinking of calling home.. I did try and discuss this properly with both of them and was told I was out of touch with youth of today...YEAH!!! He seems convinced he can make a go of it. Although he won't be in public he assures me what he does behind his own closed door is no ones concern. He insists he will pay to get his fantasy fulfilled if he has to. I did forget to mention that my children had all been lucky enough to have a forward planning mother and all after the age of 16 are set up to receive a trust fund. Quite substantial too. As yet this has not been touched by either of the twins but are aware of it's existence. I am hoping he wouldn't be foolish enough to break into this. I did always tell them that although it's there it would be best used for rainy days stuff like college deposit on a house etc. I hope he leaves this alone. I have tried today till I am blue in the face to reason with either of them. To be honest I don't know how I kept my cool. I was feeling heated and frustrated at the end of it. I had to leave on an errand to take myself away before I said something that I may have regretted.
Thanks again David
Take care
Sambo

---------- Post Merged at 11:28 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 11:09 PM ----------

The practicalities are : does your son work? Does he make enough money to support himself and his needs? Further does he make enough money to hire the services of a pro and all that entails? It's pretty easy to say I'm moving out when you've never bought a carton of milk or a loaf of bread.

This is what concerns me. Thanks rdw by the way.
He has enough money without touching trust fund to start but won't last more than a few weeks at the most. Unless he has other income or ready cash that I know nothing about.
Take Care
Sambo

 

[rdw]

Without trying to make light of your situation there is a poster out there somewhere that says "Teenagers quick move out while you have all of the answers "
As an adult you can see the pitfalls ahead for him; I can see the pitfalls ahead for him but he is not seeing it. Brain studies have shown that young males do not have full frontal lobe reasoning capacity until the age of 25. It is easy to make their choices for them however it is tough to stand by and watch them stumble. What advice would you give someone who is in your position?

 

[sambo]

Thanks rdw
My advice come on here.....
I seriously don't know what advice on one hand I can see where my sons reasoning is at. On the more logical side Yourself, David etc are correct. I don't want him to leave and make mistakes out there and at the same time I don't want to be regretting any decisions I make neither. So how to proceed I have not a clue. I am lost in a world to which I am not equipped or trained to handle. I really do feel guilty about not trying more with my son but perhaps he has to make his mistakes himself.
I can't help but think that I prefer him where I can help him.
Thanks again
Sambo

 

[forgetmenot]

Also who would accept your son in and follow his wishes of acting like an infant hun no one

He does need to know what is acceptable in order to survive as Dr. Baxter has stated

Boundaries are so necessary i learned the hard way without boundaries the whole family become a prisoner in their home

Don't let you son have that kind of control

You have set the boundaries in place keep them there hun for all who are involves

Hope all works out for your son and your family I am amazed at how you are handling the situation hun you are a great mother

 

[sambo]

Also who would accept your son in and follow his wishes of acting like an infant hun no one

He does need to know what is acceptable in order to survive as Dr. Baxter has stated

Boundaries are so necessary i learned the hard way without boundaries the whole family become a prisoner in their home

Don't let you son have that kind of control

You have set the boundaries in place keep them there hun for all who are involves

Hope all works out for your son and your family I am amazed at how you are handling the situation hun you are a great mother

Thanks forgetmenot
Nice comments although I am the father lol thanks for the reply.
I understand the boundaries thing but looks like I may lose my Son over the head of it? I don't know. I wish there was such a thing as a wand I could wave then make it all better.
Thanks and take care
Sambo

 

[MHealthJo]

Trust funds are not that common where I live, so I am not sure how they work - is there any possibility that you could restrict or limit his access to the trust fund, unless for a reasonable and needed purpose?

You could also say that if he wants to pay someone for this thing that he wants, you may not be totally ruling out that possibility in his private space at a private time - for example, if there is a time that you and the other kids could spend a day out or something.

That way, maybe you could call his bluff (which it could well be), while not seeming that you 'forbid' or reject some part of him. You can emphasize that it is your responsibility to look after the needs of a whole family to feel stable and comfortable, and if there are unusual or disruptive desires from one member, they can find a way to meet those needs without enforcing undue things on the whole family. It is your responsibility to set certain boundaries on what you feel is appropriate and healthy in the family environment, while you are not saying that you are disgusted or rejecting of this side of him. But you and the other kids have the right to individuality and personal needs and preferences too. Are people obligated to take part in or see a fetish if they do not want to and do not have that particular fetish? No they are not. Does he require you guys to be involved in it to express this individuality, is it a basic need or a human right to have you guys involved in it or around it? No it is not.

Perhaps that way, you would be teaching a lesson on boundaries vs individuality - showing where the limits of one person's individuality begins to invade another person's boundaries, and also demonstrating this lesson to the other kids while stull showing that differences/ individuality is not disgusting to you, disowned by you, or forbidden by you. You can say there isn't yet research on these things and how they work in a family environment, and until that happens, maybe he is a person who is ahead of his time in some way and until this is the norm, he is free to express this thing he wants to do - privately, without other uninterested parties having to be in on it.

 

[rdw]

I work with teens and can tell you without fail they love their families but they will also push every button they can to achieve their goals. Is there a family counselor with whom you can speak to help you sort out your feelings and emotions? As well he or she may be able to help you find a way to express your concerns to your sons without escalating the situation.
Another thing to remember is that you are not losing him but are allowing him to make some choices.

 

[forgetmenot]

I think a lot of us parents would love to have that wand but in reality all we can do is to guide them and get them the help they need to survive and you are doing just that.
Your son now needs to accept the help you are offering him. Believe me i understand the confusion and pain and fear and i do think if you can you also need to find a councilor for YOU to help you through the difficult times ahead. Sorry for the confusion You are a great DAD who is doing all he can to provide help for his son

 

[sambo]

Thanks all.
Your support is very much appreciated. I have a further development as of yesterday evening. I went shopping to get some much needed provisions and left the rest of the family home. I had made dinner before I left all that was needed was to serve and clear up afterwards. However when I got back the children were all eating their dinner. Normal enough you might think except that my son was in his highchair dressed as a baby with bib and being fed by his twin. The food had been pureed and the others were there too. The Youngest was in his highchair being fed by the 14 year old and I walked in in the middle of this. I was so enraged I couldn't speak. I dropped the shopping in the room and went off to sit in the car. I knew that if I stayed there I would have blown my top. I Haven't spoken to to eldest boys yet. I didn't want to start an argument in front of the whole family I was annoyed but could do nothing about it. I will bide my time and pick my moment. I am thinking about getting my son to log in here and perhaps someone here can get the answers I can't. I don't know what to think at the moment.
thanks again and take care all
Sambo

 

[W00BY]

I think you are dealing with a few issues here and I understand your bewilderment at this situation...

He is a twin... I have twins and I have known many sets of twins because of my twins uncanny ability to find them socially.

What I would say is one particularly males are always more babyish...

My boy twin still goes to bed with his baby blanket and he is 15 he utterly adores it and will panic if he cannot find it, he is needier emotionally and is frankly not ready for the world yet and I am okay with that.

I have known of male twins that wear nappies right into teenage years one had a sleep over at mines and brought his nappies!!!

I suspect there is a healthy dose of grief involved here too in amongst a massive family it can be hard to find yourself and what you want even in a smaller family.
coupled with becoming a teenager and losing your mother things could easily derail.

The issues your dealing with seem typical in some ways and i wonder if it was more classic in it's framing if you would feel more at ease? by that I mean he wanted to go an get drunk or sleep around...

I would urge both of you to get support with regard not only to this issue but also for your relationship and for your family.

I cannot begin to imagine the pressure on you since your loss I am a single parent of three and it is immense at times.

I hope you find some way to be more at ease with this situation and I would implore you to get the support you need no matter what your son does!

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Further note... his other twin will support him no matter what he does as well twins just seem to have a freakish connection and unshakable loyalty for each other.

I, since mines where very small have battled them as a single unit and not as individuals they will team up no matter what and I think that is an important point in this dynamic... your are not only dealing with just your sons behavior but also his twin who will support, collude and protect no matter what!

It would not be easy if he was singleton but your job is made so much harder within a twin setting and I think considering everything on your plate right now that you are doing a sterling job!