The Smear Campaign

[poppy111]

i find that my only way of communicating how i feel and what im going through is typing- i feel paranoid to tell people. I feel embarrassed about what they would think and what they currently think- they're image of me is more important than the image i have of myself--- there is so much that has gone on that i do not know how or where to express it- counseling has done me no favours- it helped to get that of my chest- but i left feeling paranoid about whether she thought it was me that was crazy....

About 3 years ago- i moved to a new area- completely fresh- i moved my partner and children to be nearer my parents- and 2 sisters. One was getting married. both had children. I had a house, partner and 2 children. Everything seemed perfect.

the climax was at a party- where my grandmother flipped at my partner for no reason. she had been fine the day before and then just flipped the next- it was unexplainable. my partner and i were both GIVEN a drink- my partner felt obligated as it was my father giving him the drink... we were not drunk. It was a party and we had a good time. (although a few days prior my partner had been asked to help my father- but we took our children out for the day- to my mothers annoyance)

The following day we went to my mothers house, i walked through the door, having had a great night- my sisters on Facebook saying what a good night it was... my grandma was sat at the table... my mother nodded at me to go, so we went to leave, my child started to cry... we went to the car... my grandma chased us.... they all did.... my grandma told my partner all kinds of ridiculous accusations... lurched at him.... fists flying... we sped off..... told us she should phone social services as we are both drunks...!

over the following months, i looked at myself hard- i had dyed my hair- because they had commented- i had changed my clothes because they mentioned... i had been at my mothers nearly every day since we had moved in... they had made ridiculous demands of us and we had just dropped everything and went...

on one occasion i had a picnic, we were passing their house, so dropped in... told my mum we were just saying hi.... and we were heading out for a picnic- she said- oh, i was just feeding these kids, there is some spare- i fed the picnic to the chickens.

Any kind of family life we had a family unit of 4 had gone out of the window.

My sister had promised to take my child to school as i couldn't drive- and my father had promised to help me learn to drive neither did. I was isolated and couldn't get out- my partner had a car and he would work most days. i was at home with 2 young children and could not get out... I'm on a farm 12miles from civilization.

On 2 occasions i was so upset i phoned her crying- she would turn up with everyone.... both my sisters.... their children... partners.... my father.... where i must have looked completely crazy....

I looked up 'NARCISSIST'

if i didn't see my mother i felt happier... the last time she came to see me because i was upset- i turned the table- i accused her- of not supporting me- and of telling my father and my sister not to help me- that all she has done is try to break us up---- only i did it after she had just spat out the same poison. IN front of everyone.

i caught her off guard- my sisters just looked at the floor.

A few weeks later- she phoned and asked if my child could go for dinner at her house- i agreed. although we knew my mother would say something nasty to her- so we asked my daughter who was 3 to tell us if grandma said anything.

the next week she went...

by the third week week my child told us that grandma had told my child that her daddy was bad- she gave details and a full situation to this being said.

I phone my mother- who dismissed my 3 year old as a liar, just like one of my sisters.

i phoned up the health visitor and told her... she advised me to cut my mother off as she was a danger- and to remove her from collecting my child from school.

My partner lost his job... we do not know why but they said 'we do not want someone like you working for us...' he was one of their best? it didn't make sense.

We went to choose schools- we went to tell my mother which one we had chosen. My partner was unemployed and we were struggling.

'if you go to this school i will pay for all of her uniform, i know you're skint... if you go to that one though... you can pay for it yourselves.'

The more contact i had with her- the more i wanted to distance myself- every conversation with her- she bad mouthed my sisters- bad mouthed their partners...

It seemed that the only time she was nice to me- was when she was bad mouthing someone.

I pushed myself away from her and from any contact- it was difficult when they would just turn up, or phone me, or invite me back to their if they met me its only a small place we live.

Christmas day we insisted that we would spend it in our home. They turned up on Christmas morning, and asked my child if she would like to play with her cousins. they took her- so later we had to collect her, we spent half of the day at theirs. and we didn't get to cook our turkey.

After this we didn't talk for a few months.... Only now... in great style my sisters husband had done something wrong- please see my earlier posts for more details....

i told him to look up narcissist. which he did... and agreed....

now he is in Dubai i haven't spoken to my parents and sisters since then.... my partner and i got married 2 weeks ago... last week there was a letter from social services... we went to see them, where they said it was malicious... a page full of allegations, that made the social worked uncomfortable to repeat....

the smear campaign has begun... and i feel very upset.... but.... i was expecting it....

i got married two weeks ago.... and feel so down at what she has done... allegations where anonymous, i was paranoid about my wedding guests... now I'm looking at selling my house...

 

[rdw]

Instead of going through this push me pull you situation you need to establish firm boundaries. Once that is done the drama can stop. Will your mother like it no but it makes the rules clear for everyone.

 

[poppy111]

no contact is the only boundary- but because I've had no contact and got married- she has reported me to social services. her next move would be to maybe phone mine or my husbands work, or bad mouth me to friends...

 

[rdw]

I do think some counseling may help you with your self esteem issues. You stated that you are more worried about others image of you than your own image of you. If you want everyone to like you then you're going to be jumping through alot of hoops during your lifetime.

 

[forgetmenot]

Any way of just moving as far as you can from the family and have no contact so they do not know where you live and you can just move forward She cannot contact your work place or husbands if she does not know where you both work Also you could bring charges against her for false accusations to child services but that is just more fuel to the fire Disconnect and do not let them know where you are hugs

 

[poppy111]

yes, i'm aware of this. but its more paranoia of what people think. Maybe because everything i've ever done has been picked at and twisted. I'm very careful what i say the first time i say it... i tend to say what i'm expected to say. And if i say something that percieves me wrong i worry.

there are plenty things wrong with me, i'm not perfect.

---------- Post Merged at 08:11 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:09 AM ----------

Anyway of j ust moving as far as you can from the family and have no contact so they do not know where you live and you can just move forward She cannot contact your work place or husbands if she does not know where you both work Also you could bring charges against her for false accusations to child services but that is just more fuel to the fire Disconnect and do not let them know where you are hugs

thank you- i can do that- I'm a postwoman in our local town. this intimidates her. We've tried so hard to settle here. i feel like im running away. As i have a lovely home, children- its just all been ruined by her.

 

[rdw]

Try to seek some help for yourself before you choose the run away option. I'm afraid if you do that she can and will say " Look I was right". And as far as what people are saying they will say what they say and think what they think for about 15 minutes regarding you and then move onto something more important in their own life. My therapist said to me " You can't make people like you." WHAT??? I am a nice person dammit. The lesson that I had to learn was for me to like and accept me. Good luck with your situation

---------- Post Merged at 07:40 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 07:38 AM ----------

And she hasn't ruined everything -you said you have a lovely home, lovely children and a partner. Focus on the things you do have and not what you want her to do .

 

[Budoaiki]

Poppy111,

Is your mother's behaviour different with your sisters?

For example does she treat them the same way and or do they see her bahviour the same way?

I ask this because setting boundaries and cutting off communication may cause her to escalate in this antagonistic or gas lighting behaviour before she relents. Like with the statements you alluded to that she had made to children services.

In my opinion as rdw mentioned whom I agree with in that I think therapy for would be very benificial as this type of behaviour is generally corrosive to your self image and it could help by helping you to re-affirm your self worth and help you keep balance as this type of antagonism generally tries to keep you emotionally off balance to provoke you thereby giving her a sense of control over your actions.

 

[poppy111]

there are 2 sisters- here... but 3 in total, one is the golden child and identical to her- very similar traits. The other is referred to as Cinderella, i bet you know what i mean. both of them admit that mother is 'childish' and excuse her with, well thats just mum. the wild child is number 3, she has had no contact for 10 years. except with me.
'ciderella' was often verbally and mentally abused- and it was encouraged that we her 3 sisters join in.

---------- Post Merged at 11:51 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 11:49 AM ----------

i agree with therapy.
my two sisters here 'excuse' her behaviour- but rely on her for every little decision. they back her.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I have a few books titles you might be interested in reading...

When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life by Victoria Secunda

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Dr. Karyl McBride

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor D. Payson

I've read the first two... I've had many recommendations for the last one... The books give you perspective on why your Mother may be the way she is (although why she behaves the way she does isn't the most important thing), what you can do about it (for example realizing the problem lies with her and not yourself, realizing that you may have picked up some ingrained beliefs about yourself/life/other people and how you may need to change them, and options for keeping or severing the relationship).

"Excusing behaviour" is also known as "enabling," for example. When someone tries to maintain the unhealthy dynamic in order not to "rock the boat" or "set her off" or "fall out of favour" and so on, they aren't really helping the situation, they are making it worse. Instead of setting healthy boundaries they allow the one causing all the trouble to get away with damaging behaviours.

This is why rdw mentioned that you need to set boundaries. When you were raised, your family unit made up their own rules about boundaries (or had no rules about them) and there were always certain people or a person who had (appeared to have) all the control. This is why it's a good idea to seek therapy or some sort of help, because when you are raised in your own isolation (and that farm sounds isolated again) it is difficult in that family unit to get cues from "the outside" that something is wrong on "the inside" of the family unit.

You don't necessarily have to make a run for it. But it is very difficult to stay in contact with someone like this. Part of the problem, as rdw mentioned, is that you worry about what other people will think. Once you don't give a darn, it won't bother you a bit when people gossip about you. On the other hand, if your mother is actively sabotaging things for you, then if you leave, I would recommend you don't tell them where you are going, don't leave a forwarding address, and don't open mail, don't read texts or emails, block all her calls, temporarily at least.

Perhaps you could tell her you need some space from her and time to yourself because you are going through something personal right now. According to these books, at least one year. One year to discover how you can be yourself without your mother. One year to discover where you really stand in the world. One year to meditate and remove as much of those old recordings in your head that are really your mother's voice, and find your own. Then after that year you can either decide to stay and maintain as little contact as you can, or move and maintain as little contact as possible, or move and never speak to them again.

♥

 

[poppy111]

i discovered Narcissism, approx 2 years ago. after things had gone wrong and i couldnt explain why. They had always been wrong, but i had tried to make up. The fact i've watched the same things happen to my siblings was also a big giveaway. I havent just put it down to thats whats is wrong- i've in depth looked at it. And its like i'm on the trueman show. Everything... i mean Everything has a purpose and a reason for happening.
I predicted that she would contact social services last year, and so i guarded myself heavily. Maybe that paid off.

And now i can look at myself and say- i care too much about what others think- and this is something i need to deal with. There are so many attributes that i need to deal with. All have come to light. I dont think i will ever be fully healed. But its just another chapter. Of a very long journey.
The feelings i've felt, I'm sure most of you have also gone through the same.
The call to social services- was part of a smear campaign designed at exposing me. luckily they saw through. The allegations where truths that had been twisted, child punishment of putting my child in their room as time out, was 'locking my child in a room.' etc... awful... and getting much worse.

And this call had been made because i dared to marry the father of my children and not invite her.
We had no rules. at all. And we were isolated. completely. our only contact was at school. and we could not socialise with anyone outside of school. we would go and work on her farm when we finished school.
i cant access the facebook page... i will try again...
I need to invest in the books. thank you for your words they mean alot.

 

[rdw]

I think the work you do on and for yourself will pay off for you. You can heal yourself and have a wonderful life. With help you can stop the legacy of the family for your children.

 

[poppy111]

and setting boundaries with her... i could not contemplate anything that would go against her wishes. i had to have no contact for my own mind.

 

[poppy111]

about 3 months ago- my sister approached me with 2 cats in the box- i had just woken up and didnt know what was in the box- she said just wondered if you would do a huge favour and rehome these- she was holding a bag of guinea pig food- i thought sure... looked inside to adult tom cats- i said no way, i have to many and i dont need anymore- she replies 'oh i thought i could rely on you, thats why i came here, i could of gone somewhere else but thought you could rehome them...' i said no i work full time blah blah blah... she talked me round...
my husband came home.... 'what have you got them for'
'oh im helping my sister'
'we dont have room'
'well she asked me too'
'we dont have room... did you REALLY want them?'

i took them back to her- she blew up at me and told me i was useless and she expected better of me....

anyway- i noticed she had been advertising the cats online

last week- 3 months after she brought the cat to me... one of the cats is living in my shed...!!! does that not just sum up the calibre of my family!!!
she had dumped it on my shed.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Yeah, when people are used to you bending over backward for them, they get downright ornary when you actually start laying down healthy boundaries. It pisses them off that you don't have a rubber spine anymore.

And, yes, that was very rude and thoughtless of any relative/person to leave an animal at your house when you specifically said you didn't want to/didn't have time, etc. It may take some time, but keep it up, because (in my humble opinion) to give in is to enable their pushy behaviour. ♥

 

[MHealthJo]

What an awful thing for her to do.I'm so sorry. What a lack of regard/respect for another person's time or right to make their own choices and priorities, as well as for the wellbeing of the poor kitty.

 

[poppy111]

i've found a lovely home for the cat- and he'll be looked after. i was tempted to take it back but i wont give them the satisfaction. My husband is struggling today- he cant believe that my mums destructive behaviour could have cost us our children. I'm so glad i distanced myself 18months ago when i realized just how dangerous she was.

I've found a web page- on gaslighting...

narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome

I've never looked into this before- but it explains an awful lot- imparticular the relationship breakdown of my sister and her husband. Its sad that they didnt make it but they married him- when my mother thought he was wonderful, and because she thought he was wonderful so did everyone else.
And when he said- she's my wife now, the cards turned.

its awful how predicatable this all is.

 

[MHealthJo]

Positive at least that you two have escaped that, and you've got the different perspective and resources so that you'll be able to understand things and look out for yourselves. Hang in there Poppy.

 

[poppy111]

just re-read the first post- all the evil things she has done to me... she wanted to ruin my life.... because she wanted me at her beckoned call- did she enjoy destroying everything i worked o hard for? my degree.... she dismissed it... i've got a degree- but im still stupid...

eugh its infuriating... all the nasty evil things she's done and said- i've ended up telling a few of my work colleagues, a few things... they're all horrified... if only they knew all of it.... honestly... cannot believe how someone could want to DESTROY someone else's life! sick.

 

[W00BY]

It is not that she wants to destroy "someone else life" you are seen as property a thing rather than a human with feeling and emotions

Narcissistic parents from the off set think of their children as possessions that they can pick up put down and toy with for their pleasure.

It is difficult not to bring emotion into your thinking when it is a parent but when you manage to look at things out with how you feel about it the behavior is childish and cruel.

Both my parents (my father until his dying day) think of MY children as theirs I will regularly through third parties be told they have been complaining about not seeing THEIR grandchildren even though they have never supported me or shown any meaningful interest in them(or myself)...yet they still think of my children as their property.

It is tough when you have to face people you care for and you get this behavior in return but you do get to the stage were you can:

A) shrug it off (no matter how much vitriol is involved)
B) appreciate so much the family dynamics with your own kids and partner that are far healthier and,
C) you end up just feeling sorry for them.