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Cavi

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I went thru transference with my ex T, Altho i don't know if I would of had she not gone thru counter-transference...This is the BIGGEST reason why I don't want to trust my current T...How do you avoid transference in therapy?....RIMH
 

David Baxter

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Some would argue that you don't, because if you could therapy wouldn't work.
 

pocono

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I had never heard of transference until I was about 6 months into current therapy. I got so confused and frightened by all the feelings I was having that I started to read and discovered a whole new concept!

I'm still not entirely sure I get all the nuances of transference, and I still don't always recognize when it is happening. And at times it is absolutely frightening and painful when it is happening.

I'm not sure I can explain why, but I think Dr. Baxter's suggestion that it might be necessary might really be true. Again, I'm not sure why.

Here is what I know, at least for me, is really true: therapy is all about the relationship. Healthy risk (the cost of change) requires healthy trust.

And it takes time, sometimes lots and lots of time, to develop healthy trust. For those of us whose trust has been repeatedly betrayed, trust might seem like more adversary than friend, more like obstacle than goal. But I have learned myself that trust can develop, over time.

If my therapist were not as trustworthy as he has proven to be, if he had not worked so hard to help me feel safe and understood, if I didn't come to believe over time that he really does have my best interests at heart, then I would not have been able to tolerate the transference. Nor do I think it would have been healthy and useful to do so.

I encourage you to hang in there, keep talking, keep going back -- as long as your best instincts lead you to believe that this therapist might be trustworthy (even while you don't trust her yet). If the tranference develops and becomes difficult, a trust worthy therapist will help you manage it......
 

braveheart

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Unfortunately, or fortunately, transference is in pretty much any relationship. Its kind of how we learn and grow, through reflecting on it and changing perspective. Ideally. Hurts like hell sometimes though... [said with intense feeling..]
 

Daniel

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.This is the BIGGEST reason why I don't want to trust my current T...How do you avoid transference in therapy?

At the risk of stating the obvious, transference is not synonymous with trust, let alone blind trust:

For instance, one could mistrust somebody who resembles an ex-spouse in manners, voice, or external appearance; or be overly compliant to someone who resembles a childhood friend.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transference
 
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i've been reading up on transference today and am a little confused as to what it really is, and why it is useful and inevitable in therapy. i seem to get an idea that it has to do with how you treat or view a person you meet - that it's based on people you know or knew in the past. can anyone explain what its function is supposed to be?
 

David Baxter

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In broad terms, you might think of it as a process by which the client/patient revisits dysfunctional or distressing relationships in his/her life by in a sense recreating them in a safe context with the therapist and working through the conflicts or hurts that have arisen out of those earlier relationships.
 

Cavi

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But if you have a T that goes thru C-T and makes a mess out of the whole situation, than how do you trust again?...RIMH
 

David Baxter

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But if you have a T that goes thru C-T and makes a mess out of the whole situation, than how do you trust again?...RIMH

I do understand your distress and your dilemma, RIMH. However, understand that what she did was way out of line, had nothing to do with you, and had nothing to do with your current therapist.

You had the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong "therapist".

Try not to tar your current therapist with the same brush.
 

Cavi

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I know, your right about the not tarring my T with the same brush...I think its time to start trusting her if I ever want to get out from under all this stuff....RIMH
 

ThatLady

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While transferance is a normal, human thing to do, it can be controlled. It's not easy, but it can be done. If you can simply put your old therapist behind you (picture yourself putting her in a box, closing the lid, and dumping her in the nearest large body of water) and allow the new therapist to just be herself, without superimposing the image of the old therapist onto her, you'll do just fine, RIMH. You're a smart cookie, and you can do this if you really try. It takes a bit of practice. You might have to dump that box full of idiot therapist off your chosen pier several times before she'll sink and stay sunk, but it'll be worth it once it's done. ;)
 

Cavi

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ThatLady...I had to chuckle at your post...The Chaloosahatchee river is dirty, I'll dump her there..lol....RIMH
 

Cavi

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Ya know this board is dangerous to my 20 foot wall!...I have started telling my T things, its been through email but at least its a start...I'm a bit shaken b/c I'm not sure how to act opening up...I am doing a dance within myself to shut down/ not shut down...I feel raw but I emailed her again this a.m. and opened up some more....

There is one thing that she wants to know and I can't say it aloud to myself let alone say it to her...And its been 2 years since it happened...RIMH
 

Halo

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That's what's great about email and paper writing is that you can open up as much as you choose to but without having to speak the words verbally. It is definitely a good start to a trusting open relationship. I know that I use email all the time with my psych (worrying sometimes that it is too much :eek: ) but as I have been told by him over and over, it is helpful for him to gain insight into what is really going on with me.

If your T wants to know something that you can't verbally say to either her or yourself then maybe by email is a good start even if you tell her that you can't talk about it right now but at least she will know.

Good job on opening up by email...this is a huge step forward :)

Take care
 

ThatLady

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Wow, RIMH! It's great news that you're beginning to open up to your therapist. It doesn't matter whether it's in emails, face to face, or using smoke signals! At least, you're getting it out there! Kudos to you! :yahoo:
 

Cavi

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TY!...LOL TL, I always like your smilies you use!...

Nancy...You have a point about writing it to her and saying I can't talk about it right now...I may try that...Its funny cause sometimes I feel like its eating me alive and I'll start thinking about it but than I start crying and I hate to cry!...so than I'll distract myself so I forget about it again...

I can't get away from it long tho b/c something in 3D will happen and bring it up all over again...I get a lump in my throat the size of a bowling ball when I even try to say one word concerning it.......RIMH
 

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