What's happening to me?!

[Andy]

Boy do I hear you. The fact of the matter is that you are ill, as I am, I'm not meaning to be in your face about it.
Life for me use to be the same, which is why I can relate.
You don't need to go back to make amends with or about anything. I know it may feel like your being punished (for me it does) but you did nothing wrong. You got handed a really sh***y card. You can't go back and fix things. I think the thing now is to recognize that and start to work on how you can help yourself now and for your future.

You don't have to have the label of Schizophrenia. For health reasons yes, otherwise you can just be a guy struggling through some things. It's NOT who you are. Your not that label.

You CAN get past this. I think you really need some help doing so though. Can you get a worker? If you have someone to talk to about it and someone who would be more than willing to go with you to these clubhouses, or where ever you want to go. Is that something you would be willing to look into?

 

[forgetmenot]

You are still there the same you
You have an illness that needs to be regulated with medication
Just like diabetics need insulin you need your medication to be stable.
You are the same you okay there is some confusion yes but you are still there.
With medication you will be able to follow whatever path you wish okay.
Please don't get stuck on the label it is just a name okay so treatment the proper one can be given.
Nothing from the past can be changed as it is nothing you did okay it is an illness that is hereditary
I hope you can talk to your pdoc about all the confusion you are having and soon come to see you are not anyone different you are still the same you just a person now that has to learn to deal with an illness that no is not curable not yet anyways but is controllable
The newer medication they are so much better they are I just see the differences in some people i know and they with the newer meds are so much better then they were before.

 

[WilliamCollins]

I know it may feel like your being punished (for me it does) but you did nothing wrong.

Yeah, that's exactly what it feels like. My mom once told me that she thinks I started to get worse after I stopped attending church. I used to be a alter-boy but then I stopped going for a couple of reasons, one of them was having doubts about God. Could there be a connection? Probably not, but still, it makes me wonder sometimes.

I think the thing now is to recognize that and start to work on how you can help yourself now and for your future.

Agreed. This is what I've been trying to do. For now I'm just planning on what I'm going to do and in the near future I'll put it all into practice.

I think you really need some help doing so though. Can you get a worker? If you have someone to talk to about it and someone who would be more than willing to go with you to these clubhouses, or where ever you want to go. Is that something you would be willing to look into?

I had a case worker (as part of the New Outlook program) and she was really nice but at that time I didn't feel like I needed help. Now I feel like I do so maybe I'll look into it. I'll talk to my psychiatrist about this. He is/was also part of that program and that's how I met him.

Cheers!

---------- Post added at 02:09 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:00 PM ----------

The newer medication they are so much better they are I just see the differences in some people i know and they with the newer meds are so much better then they were before.

I recently started taking one of the more newer antipsychotic medications. It's called Geodon and I take 60mgs, though this will probably change and I'll be taking a higher dosage - I feel like I need more!

I bet one day they'll make something that'll be like a cure. I hope so.

 

[forgetmenot]

i wish that too there is a new medication that is not in Canada yet but when it comes i will make sure it is tried i hear only good news abt it. it is helping people that were not abled to be help before it is giving their life back to them.

 

[WilliamCollins]

Abilify (I've read on this site that it improves both negative & positive symptoms) is another medication which I'd like to try but my pdoc says that it isn't covered by my medical plan. Geodon just got covered (I've tried all the others). All the medications that I've taken so far are nothing special IMHO - I seem be in need of a miracle cure (or a silver bullet, as they say)!

I feel like the longer I go without being cured the worse I'll get. I know this probably isn't true as long as I take my meds but that's what it feels like. This illness has taken so much from me already, and sadly I don't think it has stopped.

What must I do, seriously? I don't want to keep suffering like this. There doesn't seem to be an end to the suffering. I try to block out the bad stuff but it sometimes comes through anyway. It beginning to feel natural to suffer. I fear I'm getting used to it. QUESTION: should I get used to the suffering? I feel like something bad will happen if I do.

I doubt anyone that reads my posts understands what I'm going through because it's all hidden. It's such a personal illness/suffering. I wish I could share it with someone... Now this definitely makes me a bad person! Again, maybe I'm just getting what I deserve. I know this can't be true... but... what if... it's true? Nobody really knows. People say that oh he got what he deserved when talking about someone that did something bad. Well, maybe I'm getting what I deserve! Part of this illness is me thinking about my past sins and being confronted by them. I haven't always been a good person. I've done my share of bad things. Even if it was only a bad thought, that still counts, doesn't it?! It seems to.

Sin + conscience = suffering. Suffering = ? (more sin?) More sin = more suffering (the cycle of perpetual evil?).

OMG, I've almost convinced myself that I'm evil!

I keep confusing myself searching for a way out. Maybe I'm just making everything worse. Maybe my quest for a personal cure isn't helping either.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I feel like the longer I go without being cured the worse I'll get. I know this probably isn't true as long as I take my meds but that's what it feels like. This illness has taken so much from me already, and sadly I don't think it has stopped.

It's possible that your condition might deteriorate the longer you go without medication but your fear is unfounded as long as you are following your psychiatrist's recommendations for medication.

As a ruole of thumb, it's often said that it takes about 5 years to stabilize on medication with schizophrenia (it doesn't mean you aren't making progress during that time, just that you will show increasing benefits of the medication over that period of time). How long have you been taking medication?

 

[WilliamCollins]

As a rule of thumb, it's often said that it takes about 5 years to stabilize on medication with schizophrenia (it doesn't mean you aren't making progress during that time, just that you will show increasing benefits of the medication over that period of time). How long have you been taking medication?

I've been taking my medication consistently for approximately 2 years this coming February. Something like that.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

There you go... you're almost half way there.

See: Schizophrenia.com, paranoid schizophrenia - Schizophrenia News, schizophrenia personal story

 

[forgetmenot]

I do understand how sometimes you feel you are so alone in this illness but not it not true really. It is your battle to fight yes but you have the help of doctor and i hope you can speak openly with him about all your fears. Good family support is so important too as they are your pillar when you are not feeling so well they can keep you grounded so to speak to reality.
2 years you are still getting adjusted but in time you will see you can and will be able to do what ever it is you chose to do. I am glad you are able to talk about your fears and thoughts as keeping them all inside it just causes one to get more confused. Sorry just rambling a bit but just want you to continue to reach out okay to continue to talk and get the help and support you feel you need. take care

 

[WilliamCollins]

If someone asked me what the experience of schizophrenia is like, I don't know how I'd explain it. It's simply an experience, my experience, and that's all it really is. I could go on and tell them how a person with schizophrenia can exhibit all sorts of symptoms like delusions, hallucinations, hearing voices, thoughts racing in all directions, and so on, but is that really what makes schizophrenia schizophrenia? I experience all the above symptoms, but schizophrenia, to me, is different from its symptoms. I guess I just don't identify it as a bunch of symptoms. It's much more than that!

When I was taking a lower dosage the experience of schizophrenia could turn very unpleasant but at times it was a rush (like riding a jet). I'd sit on a chair in my room leaning forward with my head in my hands and I'd talk to people in my head and think about all sorts of things which came to me (jumping from one subject to the next with loose connections). The voices would make contact, it seems, and I would find it difficult to realize that this was actually happening. Also, it seems, the voices would make me see things - things which were only in my head like images and scenery and stuff like that (it was all very fast). My vision didn't seem to work at times and I felt like I was stuck in my head.

So I'd sit there talking to the voices and seeing things (what I considered to be my thoughts (and other things like faces as well). I think it was more like "image streaming" - not sure if I'm using this term correctly). Now, you might think that there's nothing wrong with any of this and that it sounds normal. I, for one, thought it was normal until I couldn't do anything besides what I was doing which was talking to the voices and looking at things in my head. I couldn't help it and I guess that's part of the problem. My mind was out of control and this to me is what schizophrenia is all about. I think people try to understand this by coming up with symptoms which try to explain more thoroughly what's happening (is that properly written?).

I still have this problem but it's not as serious as it was now that I'm on a higher dosage. Still, it bugs the heck out of me that all this is happening to me. I'm only 24 and I feel like I'm destined to be insane. One wrong move and off I go.

Can someone let me know if I sound as confused as I feel? Damn, I do my best to not get confused but sometimes it seems like the more I do to help myself the worse my condition gets. I feel like I shouldn't be making attempts at thinking because it turns out badly.

I feel so stupid! This is my other problem.

Even after all this, I still don't understand what schizophrenia really is. And I've read about it AND experienced it!

Take care, everyone!

 

[forgetmenot]

No you are far from stupid William you are very intelligent well written spoken person.
You maybe trying too hard that all to get an answer that is j ust not there yet.
Let the doctors do the thinking for now okay until the medication has got you stable
You are doing all the right things so please know that you will be okay.
Being you started your treatment so early on is a good thing You will not go through so many years of unstablity
Your doctor is the best resource right now okay He will make sure you have the best treatment to keep you safe and well.

 

[Modus.Ponens]

William, you are making total sense. No inconsistencies whatsoever.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You maybe trying too hard that all to get an answer that is just not there yet.

I think this is probably a very good observation.

Being you started your treatment so early on is a good thing.

Yes. The long term prognosis is better when you begin treatment early and stick with it.

 

[WilliamCollins]

I had to thank everyone because I like all the comments I got!

Now onto something else...

I'll notice things about this illness, and about life in general, but, unfortunately, these seem to be unexplainable things for me at the moment. I feel like I know things but I can't have a normal conversation and talk about them. When I try to explain something I feel like I'll just confuse you and myself. Even posters on this site have commented that I sound confused... And I agree with them because I, myself, feel confused. If I knew everything then I probably wouldn't be so confused. For some reason, I feel like I need to know everything, like this will change everything... Change the illness, for instance. I don't know why but this illness seems like a philosophical issue, and if I don't solve it then I'll keep on suffering in this manner.

This illness feels like an extra awareness (which I cannot yet grasp totally). But I feel blinded by it. Truer words have never been spoken.

Eventually I'll have to start studying books that I have, and I think, I'll be better for it. Maybe this is my way out of this illness. Yes, I think so.

---------- Post added at 08:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:15 PM ----------

I need to believe that I can help my schizophrenia in some way.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Really, it's not a philosophical issue. It's a mental health issue, a disorder with a physical basis like diabetes. Learning as much as you can about the symptoms of schizophrenia, making sure you take your medications as directed by your doctors, and learning what else you can do to counteract the symptoms of schizophrenia - continuing to do what you're doing now - these are the ways you can help yourself.

 

[WilliamCollins]

But why then does it feel like a philosophical issue? It feels like I've done something wrong (or thought something wrong) in the past and that's why I'm having problems now. It also feeling like if I solve the problem then I'll be in the clear.

It's kinda hard to know what's because of this illness and what isn't, if you know what I mean.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

But why then does it feel like a philosophical issue? It feels like I've done something wrong (or thought something wrong) in the past and that's why I'm having problems now. It also feeling like if I solve the problem then I'll be in the clear.

That's part of the illness. There are some similarities between some of the thoughts you have with schizophrenia and the type of obsessive worrying that people with OCD experience.

It's kinda hard to know what's because of this illness and what isn't, if you know what I mean.

I do know what you mean, William. Again, that's part of the illness. The thoughts and beleifs seem very real and are very powerful.

 

[WilliamCollins]

To David Baxter,

I just watched those two videos that you posted a while ago on the 1st page of this thread. I thought the first one was very powerful but kind of a downer because it showed this man who was ill but it didn't show how he recovered. He talked about how he wanted to kill himself and it ended with him still feeling like he shouldn't exist.

Are there more parts to the first video? At the end it said "coming soon" so that probably means that there's a documentary based on his life, or something like that. I'd like to see the whole thing.

I liked the second video better because it showed someone who was around my age and dealing well with her schizophrenia. I was able to really relate to some of the things she talked about. I also like the parts in which her parents got a chance to speak. They're just like my parents!

And when she said "I'm making this because I don't want you (as in me) to feel alone" I felt like she was speaking directly to me. That almost brought tears to my eyes.

So I'd like to thank you for posting those two videos. It really means a lot.

 

[Eeyore]

Hey William,
I just wanted to say don't give up. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia about 3 or 4 years ago, and I am feeling better now. It still is a struggle, however, I feel that I have done a lot of work in terms of my journey towards recovery. The following things that have helped me are:

-taking my medications regularly and as precribed by my doctor
-making an appointment with my casework and/or doctor when not feeling well or people are telling me that they are seeing signs that I am deteriorating.
-making a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) - which was first developed by Mary Ellen Copeland.
-participating in a "Living a Healthy Life with Chronic Conditions" Workshop (I am happy to say I am now a peer leader in this as well). This workshop was founded I believe by Stanford University.
-support of my family
-support of my friends
-physical exercise or activity (walking or going to the gym).
-eating healthy
-attending a peer support group
-my faith and hope.

I should say, that these are things that have helped me, there are things on here that you may choose not to do, and that is okay. Recovery is unique for everyone. It is a personal journey. I hope this helps!
Take care.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Links and attachments in Adobe Acrobat format for the materials mentioned in Eeyore's post:

Amazon.com: Wellness Recovery Action Plan (9780963136619): Mary Ellen Copeland: Books

Amazon.com: Living a Healthy Life With Chronic Conditions: Self-Management of Heart Disease, Arthritis, Diabetes, Asthma, Bronchitis, Emphysema and Others (9780923521530): Halsted, M.D. Holman, David Sobel, Diana Laurent, Virginia Gonzalez, Marian, P