Working while Waiting for Disability

[stargazer]

Thanks, Mary.

Also, I just today got a thing in the mail from the State saying they needed more information before they could complete filing of my disability claim. There's about a thirty-page questionairre, some of which has to be completed by a third party, such as a friend or a relative. I have to provide information as to how my disability interferes with my daily routine, and just what my daily routine is anyway.

I called my friend Jim to see if he would do the third party stuff. But I keep getting a funny feeling this will never end. (I also recently received notice that my birth certificate had been rejected, and I have to order a new one).

 

[Peanut]

Hey Stargazer!

This is great news, because it means that I'll have another year of therpay, psychiatry, and medication, starting July 1st, for only $37. It's also a relief, because I've not yet received any therapy, psychiatry, or medication from the first year, which theoretically started on July 1st of 2005, even though I only learned about it a month or two ago. Since my psychiatric evaluation is scheduled for next Friday, I will probably get my first diagnosis and meds just in time for the second year to begin. So the $37 I shelled out this year/month will not have been in vain.

I just wanted to say that that sounds like great news so far. Mainly I just wanted to express my support to you! It sounds like a long frustrating process but you are doing really well!

 

[stargazer]

Thanks, Toeless. But I'll openly confess that a lot of the length of the process is due to the fact that periodically, my frustration gets the better of me, and I simply bail out on everything. Then, a while later, I decide to give it another go, and I struggle to pick up the pieces. So I've actually dragged it out longer than probably was necessary.

Another person might be more perservering.

 

[Peanut]

But I'll openly confess that a lot of the length of the process is due to the fact that periodically, my frustration gets the better of me, and I simply bail out on everything.

I hear you!! I think that happens to all of us at least sometimes.

Then, a while later, I decide to give it another go, and I struggle to pick up the pieces.

That is what is important It's not how many times you fall but how many times you get back up, right?

 

[stargazer]

Right!

 

[ThatLady]

Hang in there, Stargazer. I know this has to be frustrating, but persistence will pay off. I'm just sorry you have to go through all this.

 

[Holly]

Dear Stargazer,
I just wanted to let you know I will be thinking of you, I truly hope you can get the assistance you need.
Take care of you ok

 

[stargazer]

Thanks for your support, Holly, and ThatLady. I notice I keep vascillating. A while back I got a bunch of papers to take down into town at a 3pm appointment this coming Thursday, having to do with MediCal. I was hoping not to have to make a lengthy trip, being as I don't drive. It will pretty much consume the rest of the evening, and I'll have to cancel my teaching if I keep the appointment.

There really is a sense that these processes might never end. Or, at the very least, it seems as though they're intent on weeding out those who are not in enough need of the services to be persistent. Right now, I'm committed to go ahead and go through with it all, but any shift in my mood can change that commitment completely. I know that sounds immature, but it's what's been happening.

I guess, the bottom line is, I don't know if it's going to be worth it. These meetings (the MediCal and the doctor's appointment) and the filling out the new SSI form (the one requiring a third party--I got my friend Jim to agree to do it) are all coming in the week immediately preceding my starting the two-week job in another city. So I've got preparation for that. Also, I have these two studio sessions scheduled next week. So I feel like I'm having to juggle a lot anyway, without all these meetings and new forms and everything.

I told my brother and my sister that, where I live, if I had a car, it would make it *so* much easier to make all these appointments. In fact, if I were driving, I probably wouldn't even be stressed over it. It would be so much easier to conceive of getting down into town (13 miles) and back efficiently. But they're not going to help me get a car, even though my sister has two cars, including one that just sits in her driveway. They just don't understand, which only adds to my depression.

Of course, I don't understand them either, although I try. But I think what it is, is that they've seen me go up and down so much throughout my life, that they've lost confidence that if they help me in any way, it will actually be lasting help. So I really do need to follow through, and become as self-sufficient as possible.

 

[Peanut]

Hey Stargazer, I can understand why you feel the way you do. Saying that the process is drawn out and painstakingly long is an understatement! Although I haven't been through exactly what you're going through I can remember going through similar processes and how stressful it was to deal with all the unknowns, especially when they are all interrelated with each other. You don't want one good thing you do to complicate something else that is important, etc.

I guess when I read your post and remembered feeling like that, I think it was because I was planning too far into the future...looking for any possible thing that could go wrong, trying to anticipate it and what would happen, how would I ultimately get what whatever it was that I wanted etc. I eventually realized that endlessly trying to figure everything out too far in advance was problematic in itself. I planned for disasters that never happened, you know? I found, that by far the most effective thing that I could do was to deal with things as they came, one at a time. Anyway, I'm not sure if this relates to you or not, but for some reason I got the feeling that you might be someone that thinks really thoroughly about things and when it comes to dealing with processes like that, the big picture can be kind of overwhelming, I think.

That is too bad about the car. It sounds like having one would certainly make things easier for you. Maybe your sister will come around! Until then I imagine that you are at least getting some exercise having to walk around more!

Sorry I didn't really have anything to offer but I was just trying to think of something that might help!

 

[ThatLady]

I'm wondering, stargazer...did you ask your sister directly if you could borrow her car for a few days? She might just be really lousy at taking a hint.

 

[stargazer]

I found, that by far the most effective thing that I could do was to deal with things as they came, one at a time. Anyway, I'm not sure if this relates to you or not, but for some reason I got the feeling that you might be someone that thinks really thoroughly about things and when it comes to dealing with processes like that, the big picture can be kind of overwhelming, I think.

Toeless, you hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how I am. If I just slow down, and take things one step at a time, it always works out better toward eventually getting it all done. Thanks so much for reminding me.

I'm wondering, stargazer...did you ask your sister directly if you could borrow her car for a few days? She might just be really lousy at taking a hint.

I did mention it in an e-mail, but I suspect my overall communication problem with my sister might have interfered. In other words, the request was inserted in an almost unnoticeable way in the middle of the text of a much larger e-mail, almost as though concealed. She might not even have noticed it.

However, I did directly ask both my brother and my sister in a single and direct e-mail to consider helping me buy a car, without alluding to my sister's having two cars. My brother replied by saying: "I don't know whether you need meds or not, but there are some serious gaps in your perception. I haven't bought my wife a car in ten years, and we're not planning to get another car for another two years, even though it's in need of repair. Why in the friggin world would I want to help you buy a car? Get real."

That's an exact quote. And my sister did not answer the e-mail at all.

 

[ThatLady]

Ish. Your brother isn't known for tact, is he?

You might try asking your sister if you could borrow her extra car for a short time. That's a bit different than asking someone to help you buy a car. I think I'd be more amenable to loaning you one if there's a history of previous disappointments.

Anyhow, it's a thought. What's the worst that could happen? She could say "No." That's where you are now, so you haven't lost anything.

 

[Holly]

Dear Stargazer,
I think your doing what you can give the obstacles you have been faced with during this very difficult time. Try not to be so hard tough on yourself.
You have come this far in the process, give it time to work out, in the end it may be worth it!
The problems you face everyday will make you stronger, just like everyone we all have good and bad days, just we have different ways to deal with the events of each day.
It is never easy to do all the paper work, try to get help.
Have you considered asking someone from the church, to drive you one day, maybe someone is waiting to assist.
If you let them know it could work out!
I know that is easy to type, I think your staying focus, getting very close to the help you want and need.
Just remember it takes time, sometimes we forget how long it takes!
I still wanted you to know your in my thoughts, I truly hope the meeting goes well for you.
All the best hang in there.
Take care

 

[stargazer]

You might try asking your sister if you could borrow her extra car for a short time. That's a bit different than asking someone to help you buy a car. I think I'd be more amenable to loaning you one if there's a history of previous disappointments.

That's possible, although I am almost certain that she will be more likely to help me when I am more financially stable, and also am showing more signs of stability in general. I admit I'm afraid to ask, but I also think it might not be wise to pester her anymore, at least not until my circumstances change. She's tired of the subject, I'm sure.

Have you considered asking someone from the church, to drive you one day, maybe someone is waiting to assist. If you let them know it could work out!

That's a thought, Holly. No, it hadn't occurred to me. But it's altogether possible that someone from the church might drive me down into town on Thursday for the MediCal appointment. That would save literally hours on busses and walking/waiting in between transfers.

 

[Holly]

That would be wonderful stargazer, I hope you it will work out for you. I am glad I mentioned it to you, all the best,
take care

 

[stargazer]

Thanks, Holly. Another level here is that it's a good idea to involve people from the church rather than try and do it alone, because then one becomes accountable. In trying to do it alone, I open myself to opt out without having anyone to answer to. If someone from the church becomes involved, they will naturally be gathering information about the process and periodically asking me how it's progressing. That makes it harder to bail.

 

[ThatLady]

Asking someone in the church to help out is a great idea! They're usually glad to be of service to another church member.

 

[stargazer]

I go to Bible Study on Wednesday nights, and since the distant appointment is on Thursday, I can ask someone then.

 

[stargazer]

You know, I never asked anyone at the Bible Study, and I wound up missing the appointment. I'm going to have to call them to apologize and reschedule. I think I was just too reluctant to bring it up among the group that was there at the Bible Study. I just didn't think anyone would really give me a ride all the way down there, I found myself assuming people were busy, and I didn't want to express a need. I think I've been expressing too many needs lately, and I didn't want to appear needy.

On another subject, my doctor's appointment and psychiatric evaluation are this morning, in a little less than three hours. I have spiritual counseling first with my priest, then I'm heading over there after that. It's all in town here, and easy to get to each location by bicycle. Nice weather this morning, too.

I'm a little nervous, but I have decided just to answer the doctor's questions honestly, and see what he says. I'll let you all know how it goes.

I'm also worried that if I have to start on a med today, the period of adjustment might interfere with my 2-week job, which begins on Monday. It seems like bad timing, and I want to be "myself" on the job. I remember in the past, asjusting to certain meds and feeling really weird for a couple weeks before they "kicked in." All kinds of side effects, etc.

I also think I am unusually sensitive to medications, and to substances in general, even over-the-counter pills. It's something in the way I'm wound up.

Well, I guess I could postpone going on the med until after the two weeks are over, and start up then. In July my schedule is very light. In fact, I have no commitments the entire month, except for one gig on the 15th. My students return in August. So July might be a good time to begin the meds.

Also wondering what the meds will be.

 

[ThatLady]

Good luck with your appointment, hon. Please, do let us know how it goes.