15 year old daughter dating same boy for over 2 years

[gratejunk]

I have a mature for her age 15 year old daughter who has been dating the same boy for over two years. (She hit puberty at 10 so she acts more like a 17 or 18 year old most of the time) Most advice I have gotten is forbid it. But I feel like when parents do that, kids will just do it behind their parent's backs anyhow.

I want everything out in the open. He is 16. He is a very nice boy, but I am concerned that she only wants to date him. I have talked to her multiple times, extensively about sex. How it is different for guys and girls, protection, etc. etc. I am not shy or embarrassed to talk to her. I have even talked to both of them together about sex. They were trapped in my car! HA! Anyhow, my daughter was mortified, but her boyfriend thought it was funny. He is a very open kid.

After I asked him if his dad had talked to him about sex, he said yes. I still talked about it a bit with them both anyhow. So they are NOT having sex. I am confident because I have a very open relationship with my daughter. I certainly am not encouraging them to have sex either! But I am a realist and know things "can happen." Teenagers have a lot of hormones running through their blood. Thus-my many talks with my daughter. My daughter says he is her best friend, not just her boyfriend. And I believe her, but I wish she would date other boys. And yes, I have told her this many times too.

In case you are wondering, she has lots of other friends, is an A student, and is on the varsity cross country and track and field teams. She is a terrific, well-rounded kid who is wise beyond her years. But I am afraid she is missing out on the whole high school dating experience. He treats her well. He's not a jerk. They spend most of their time at my house with my supervision, but I don't hang over them constantly. I believe in teaching your children what is right and then trusting them to make good choices.

I guess I don't see how they can still be together at such a young age. None of her friends have had the same boyfriend/girlfriend for any period of time.

They both swear they are not planning to get married to each other period. They both plan to go to college-different ones amazingly.

Should I be worried?

 

[Retired]

Welcome to Psychlinks gratejunk. Let me say I have no parental experience, so I cannot comment on the obvious struggle you are experiencing. However, based on what you've said, after having had discussions about the mechanics of sex with both your daughter and her boyfriend, I think the next conversation might be about permanent relationships and the importance of learning about how relationships can vary from one person to another.

If this life lesson is not learned at an early age, I believe there is greater risk of a permanent relationship to be formed fo the wrong reasons, and even more potentially tragic, a failed relationship producing children who are trapped in a lifelong possible battle between the parents.

Many young people seem to form permanent relationships later and later in life, delaying commitment after a career is established. By doing so, the person can establish their own identity, better understand their preferences in a partner and approach a relationship from a mature perpective.

 

[Andy]

Hi gratejunk welcome to Psychlinks!!:2thumbs:

That's funny that you trapped them in the car to talk about sex. Good idea. That's great that you are open with her (and her boyfriend) about sex.
In highschool I dated a guy from the age of 14-19. I had a few friends who had month long relationships too 2 or three year long relationships. Then there were the ones that just dated.

Personally I think that being in a steady relationship isn't a bad thing. If she were to be dating then there are chances of her little heart being broken more often, more drama so maybe her grades would suffer, chances of ending up around the wrong type of people etc. With her boyfriend now she has the stability. I think that she could date when she is out of school and still get that experience but she would be a lot more mature then.

I think the only time you should get worried aside from the obvious of him being a bad guy (which he isn't) is if she starts to change her life plans just to follow him around.

All of this is just my opinion of course. lol

 

[gratejunk]

Thank you for your thoughts. I was especially interested in your take on her steady relationship maybe being a good thing in HS. You sound well adjusted. If you don't mind, I would like to know a couple of things. First, do you think being in a steady, long-term relationship in hs helped you in relationships later in life? And do you think it helped you learn how to deal with things that come up in every relationship?

 

[Andy]

Well everyone is different of course. All my relationships after that one were also long term relationships. Personally, for me that is what I want is long term relationships so I didn't do much dating.

Those are really tough questions to answer. I think every experience from your past is a learning tool so I would say yes. Seeing as everyone's past is different, I was going into this HS relationship with different experiences and different ideas about relationships. There are all kinds of things (good and bad) you can get from relationships that help you build on the new ones.

I have friends that were in long term relationships that wished they hadn't been, and ones that were glad they were. I have also had friends that look back and they wish they had been in a steady relationship and also the ones that were glad they weren't.

Is your daughter happy? I think if she is happy, well adjusted, doing well in school and not in danger of anything then just let the cards play out. You said so yourself that she is very mature for her age. Do you believe that she will make the right choices for herself? From what you have said, she is a very smart girl so if she doesn't want to be in the relationship she may end it.

I think if you have expressed your concerns to her and she knows and hears what your saying then the rest is up to what she wants.

This is all just my opinion gratejunk, I do not have a teenage daughter. lol Thankfully.

 

[Dragonfly]

gratejunk - welcome to Psychlinks! Thanks for posting such a thought-provoking issue. For what it's worth - here's my take .... Whether or not you "should" be worried, you are, right? That's what we, as attached, caring, parents do. Its one way of staying attached. So maybe the question for you is whether this is "usual" or "unusual" worry for you with respect to your daughter. And the answer to that, is in part, how you parent and how you see your daughter. Have you been able to impart to your daughter the importance of self-identity and autonomy (so she can have a sense of where she is headed in the world - independent of any bfriend)? Does your daughter demonstrate the ability to know where her personal safety stops and danger starts? All teens engage in risk-taking behaviours - do you see your daughter as kind of middle-of-the pack in this? Or is she an outlier - more or less risk than the average teen that you are around? If / when her heart is [broken], does she have adequate support and the relative maturity to deal with this (sorry. You can't count yourself in on this one. This is about others - non-parents - who are around your daughter.)? Is your daughter able to juggle the other age-appropriate tasks at the same time (schoolwork, some kind of outside activity like sports or art or music, non-romantic relationships)?

I don't really see the answers to any of these as simple "yes" or "no". The questions are offered more as a way, if you want, to start to frame where you see your daughter's strengths and needs so that she is better able to cope with the tasks that we eventually all (hopefully) face - work, love and play. Hope this is helpful. Best wishes.

 

[gratejunk]

Wow! Thanks again for your ideas. And my daughter has always been a very loyal child. Once she made a friend, they stayed friends unless something really big happened. She was never one of those little girls who had a friend one day and the next they were enemies. So it makes sense that she would seek out long term relationships now. And she is happy. She can be dramatic at times, but can't we all? She does listen to me and is very open and honest with me not only about this relationship, but about pretty much everything in her life. I want to keep it that way. If you ever have a daughter, I think you will be a very insightful mom.

---------- Post added at 03:36 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:29 PM ----------

Thank you for your thoughts. It is a relief to be able to actually talk to someone about this! I only have my husband to discuss this with and he isn't the best sounding wall in this situation because he is much too biased. I will think about your comments.