Attracting women

[bookstar]

Hello,

Most of my dating life I have attracted women that I have had to settle with and have reflected my self-image/esteem. I have attracted women that were not particularily beautiful to society nor had high self-esteem. I have gone through 2 divorces and I am only 32.

I am actually a very attractive guy physically yet I have always struggled in attracting beautiful women (physically) with high self esteem. To me it seems like an oxy-moron in the sense that you would think that me being attractive that I could have any woman I want (that is single of course), yet I do not.

It really hurts my self image when I go out in public and not get noticed or hit on. Even when I am at events or parties, I never get approached or even if I approach, I seem to never attract who I want to attract.

Why? Like I said, I am a very attractive guy (I am not saying this of my own accord but in my past I have had many people tell me so) and besides I am an ex face model.

I am a very nice guy that does not act cocky or like I am better then everyone else. I act very normal. Yet all my life I struggled getting the type of gorgeous women I so desire because of some unknown mystical reason I guess.

I have heard that a lot of better then average guys struggle with this same thing and I just don't understand why. At the same time I see not so attractive guys attracting unbelievably gorgeous women all the time. I'm not saying that they don't deserve the same thing as attractive people, but common sense would say that the more attractive would obviously attract more of what they want. Am I not right? No, I am not according to my own life. Sometimes I wonder if I was born ugly that I wouldn't be having this issue and I would have the woman of my dreams right now. I feel I am cursed towards women, like there is a big invisible gaurd that is blocking beautiful women from ever coming into my life.

I don't want to settle like I have in my past. I really need help with this. How do I attract any woman I desire? What is the secret of the kings of women? Please help if you can.

thanks everyone ;o)

Aaron

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Attracting specific type of women

The secret is simple: Watch the movie Shallow Hal.

There are very few people, male or female, who have the kind of surface beauty that endures, at least without medical intervention. The problem is not the women you are with - it's your belief that they are in various ways "less than" what you want.

You really need to focus less on the superficial and more on substance.

 

[stargazer]

Re: Attracting specific type of women

I agree with David. I would also add that you might want to look into your motivations and ask yourself why it is that you should feel that the women you attract need to be physically beautiful. What exactly are you looking for in a woman or in a relationship?

 

[rebecca8]

Re: Attracting specific type of women

From a woman's perspective with a slightly similar issue, I've found in general that many so called attractive men are not so friendly. (of course there are exceptions) Same goes for "gorgeous" women if you've ever noticed.
Some people are just more approachable than others. And some people expect to be the ones who are approached. In my old fashioned opinion, I think the man should approach the woman, but not everyone will agree with that these days. I sometimes feel like I will have to settle too, but I think it's because I don't know how to play the game. I have to admit that women often try to act aloof, and I can tell that men try to do the same now. How are we ever going to get what we want? I CAN tell you that a woman will most often make eye contact if she is interested. Men need to fine tune their observational skills when it comes to this sometimes. Usually, guys play this game as if it has points that can be tallied. The more women you ask, they more likely one will say yes. Arrgh, this bugs me because I want to feel like I'm the pick of the litter. Every woman does. Even the beautiful ones, however, you may be able to intrigue this type more if you try to talk to them about something that will appeal to their intelligence, or other aspects of their personality. (be genuine of course) They may be pleasantly surprised, and take more of an interest in you because often they become sick of guys drooling over their physical features.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: Attracting specific type of women

...not particularily beautiful to society...

Most people couldn't care less who you date or marry. Even if you cared what they thought, the tropy wife isn't what she used to be:

Psychology Today: The New Trophy Wife

 

[Into The Light]

Re: Attracting specific type of women

bookstar, does a woman's personality not interest you at all?

 

[bookstar]

The people who attract almost everyone!

Hello again,

I am wondering what the difference is between a handsome man such as myself who has a very hard time attracting women, and the guy(s) that may or may not be physically attractive (doesn't matter either way) yet they seem to attract women everywhere they go. It is mind boggling to me. It makes me feel like I am missing something. I feel I act just as they do around women. So I ask, what do these types of men have that a guy like me does not have?

What makes a man so attractive to women that he seems to be like "The Fonze" on Happy Days?

I realize it is self-confidence but it goes deeper then that because I show self-confidence also.

It kills me to see the less physically attractive guy getting all the attention from women. Some guys just seem to attract women effortlessly.

I feel it is a paradox!!!!

Any ideas?
Thanks!

 

[rebecca8]

Re: The people who attract almost everyone!

I think EVERYONE has insecurities, so there is that intimidation factor of a good looking person. It works both ways for men and women. Guys used to tell me before they got to know me that they were intimidated by me because of the way I look (which in my eyes isn't that spectacular, BUT you know that saying.............beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I have an older friend who says he was a very good looking guy in his day. I think he still is, but he tells me that for every 10 girls than thought he was attractive, there were another 10 who thought not so much. He also pointed out that he was the type of person who talked to anyone, and also made a goof out of himself to make people laugh. He said people just gravitated toward him. I guess he was just really likeable. He still is, but I guess with age came some reservations.
One more thing which is easier said than done. Believe me because people tell me this ALL the time. They say, "You're thinking too much!" I believe that people can pick up on certain non-verbal cues. Body language for example. We are so much more in tune with one another than we think. I wish I knew the answer too because I'm painfully shy in social situations. I wish I knew how to just relax.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: Attracting specific type of women

BTW, in addition to Shallow Hal, I would recommend the movie Shopgirl, which is less directly relevant but has some good themes. The guy who is less romantically attractive upon initial inspection (broke, not sophisticated, and loose around the edges) is eventually favored over the guy who seems to have it all (lots of money, power, charm, etc.) because the guy who is broke actually cares about the girl in a deep way and it shows. Similarly, there are many research studies that show that women have different preferences when it comes to initial attraction vs. long term relationships, with qualities like empathy and loyalty as important attractors for the long term.

 

[Mari]

Re: The people who attract almost everyone!

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

True enough. I was trying to think of a word yesterday that describes a person I am attracted to and the word I came up with is 'affable'. An odd word but I think it fits although relationships are so much more complicated than that. :heart: Mari

 

[xenopath]

Re: The people who attract almost everyone!

Attractiveness is hugely relative, and in my experience adaptability is the key to ingratiating yourself with others. Adopt a persona in sync with theirs, feign interest in their interests, and befreind their freinds. If you have an opportunity to meet or observe their family, you can often make yourself highly attractive by adopting the mannerisms or look of a close family member of the opposite sex, playing into their unconcious oedipal desires. Basically, be what they are looking for.

 

[Into The Light]

Re: The people who attract almost everyone!

i think you are overgeneralizing when you say all women are attracted to these men. i think people are highly diverse and what one woman might find incredibly attractive in a man might not be attractive to another woman. some women are attracted to the shy, quiet type, other women are attracted to the life of the party, some women are attracted to power and money (and hence not really the person himself?), etc.

personally, i find a person becomes more attractive or less attractive based on their personality. i've met people that seemed average but once i got to know them better they just seemed more attractive. the opposite has happened too. i've met people that at first glance i thought to be very attractive, but negative attitude or behaviour made them less handsome or pretty.

 

[sunset]

Re: The people who attract almost everyone!

Charisma, how they handle themselves, their personalities all play a part in being attracted to the opposite sex. I have had HUGE crushes on some guys that others would not even look at, but I found some quality, trait or whatever to be to my liking.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and what you may think is attractive, others may not, or just not as much.. Its all relative like someone mentioned.

 

[rebecca8]

Re: Attracting specific type of women

There's a sticky above that gives you advice on how to approach "hot" women. Maybe it will help.
I have to admit though, this topic has brought up some issues for me. I can sort of understand bookstar's problem, and am trying to read between the lines, but I now wonder, are men more intent on finding an attractive partner than women? I've noticed on TV, movies, even listening in on conversations among other guys that this seems to be something very important to them. Sometimes, I feel so disappointed.........let down, that the opposite gender can be so shallow.(this can go both ways, but I'm talking from a women's view of the world) I start to wonder why, and have come up with a few ideas. MEDIA! Maybe everyone has been brainwashed to think you have more worth if you have an exceptionally beautiful shell. Personally I think many people have become afraid of what's deeper inside of others because it may force us to confront what's inside ourselves, and oh gee that can take some painful work..........which many people don't want to do these days so we distract ourselves with the external.
I once read something a "player" wrote. He said that he loved going out and meeting beautiful women, but he would never commit because he knew there would always be another one more beautiful and more exciting waiting around the corner. This made me so mad/sad. What if women were more like that? (or are they? I really don't know)How would a man feel? I wish I could give these guys a taste of there own medicine, but I don't have the heart for that. Plus, in their eyes I would not be considered their type. I'm more simple and natural. The guy I was in love with once told me that I was the most REAL girl he'd ever met. I took it as a great compliment, but wondered why he didn't snatch me up then. I've been struggling with a lot of insecurities, and sometimes fall into a trap where I start to think I'm not pretty enough, fun enough, or whatever. Just Sunday, I had this guy I'm dating (i think) tell me I should wear my hair down. I explained that it's curly and I'm too broke to get a nice flattering haircut, so it doesn't look nice down right now. He told me I should buy a hair straightener. I have something against hair straightening because I think whatever you were born with you should work with that, not try to change it. Uh, and duh, I just told him I was broke......he wasn't listening (which makes a guy less attractive to me as well) I wish I could find someone who likes me just the way I am, and wouldn't change a thing. Is that the way it's supposed to be, or am I expecting too much? Well, thanks for listening to my rantings. I think it's just my insecurities surfacing again.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Attracting specific type of women

I now wonder, are men more intent on finding an attractive partner than women?

No, I think both men and women want "an attractive partner". No one starts out by saying, "What I really want to do is to find an unattractive life partner, i.e., someone I'm not attracted to at all - that would be ideal".

But of course the issue is, what does that mean? Someone I find attractive may not be attractive at all to someone else. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.

Additionally, it's not solely about surface physical attraction. I have known and even dated some "magazine attractive" women in my time, and some of those had nothing to offer - in my perception of course - than surface beauty. There was nothing to sustain a relationship there for me, which of course is why I didn't last long with them (or vice versa).

 

[stargazer]

Re: Attracting specific type of women

Men need to fine tune their observational skills when it comes to this sometimes.

I've been following the thread and reading the posts, but I've been hesitant to put in my two cents lest it become too controversial.

However, since this has come up twice now (once here, and once with a female friend of mine on AIM), I want to propose that in my experience, a lot of men are simply a lot more insecure than they will let on.

I know that when I was younger, and very physically fit, and probably handsome -- at least from what I'm told, and from what early photographs of me would seem to reveal -- a lot of the young women were giving me "signals," and a lot of my platonic female friends were even cuing me in to the fact that these women were interested in me. But I simply didn't believe what my eyes were telling me. I wouldn't trust my own observations, because my self-esteem was so low in this area that I could not believe that any of these women could actually be interested in me.

So, while I think it may be true that men need to "fine tune" their observational skills, I think it's often also the case that men don't trust the observational skills that they do have, because they are too insecure to believe that women whom they observe to be interested in them could actually be interested in *them.*

Also, this insecurity is often covered up with a huge facade, which male bonding (among similarly insecure men) only serves to fortify.

In fact, all my relationships (prior to the one I'm involved with today) have been initiated by the woman, because I was so shy and insecure. And usually the woman is not the aggressor, so I didn't usually wind up with the woman I would want to be involved with.

Now, however, I have initiated the relationship because I know what I want, and I want it so strongly, that it is over-riding my shyness for once. I hope it continues to happen this way.

bookstar, does a woman's personality not interest you at all?

Very good question, that. I'm glad somebody asked it.

 

[Retired]

Re: The people who attract almost everyone!

Adopt a persona in sync with theirs

This to me is the key to making friends and to integrate socially. It's all about sensing the needs and style of the other person, and removing the focus from oneself.

People love to know others are interested in them. When entering into a social situation, the one should forego their own need for recognition, and focus on the need of the other person. When successful, this strategy should jumpstart a dialogue.

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but as Casey Stengel used to say, "If you don't swing, you'll never hit."

 

[rebecca8]

Re: Attracting specific type of women

Thanks stargazer for your honesty and insight. I sure have been naive in believing the cover up of many a guys insecurity. I'll try to keep that in mind, so I don't my get my feelings hurt quite as often. I had always suspected, but some of the guys I've known have put on a pretty impressive show.
You said that you know what you want now. I've heard that before, well, it was more like so and so doesn't know what he wants yet. This may sound like a dumb question, but what does that mean? I've taken it so personally when it came to this guy I liked soooooo much, and he told me he liked me a lot too, but then fleed. Is it also a question of knowing who you are?

 

[stargazer]

Re: Attracting specific type of women

You said that you know what you want now. I've heard that before, well, it was more like so and so doesn't know what he wants yet. This may sound like a dumb question, but what does that mean? I've taken it so personally when it came to this guy I liked soooooo much, and he told me he liked me a lot too, but then fleed. Is it also a question of knowing who you are?

Rebecca, I want to make sure I'm not giving you the wrong impression. It's not that I myself have any super-confidence causing me to know what I want, it's just that I'm almost 55 years old, and by now a human being has developed an idea of who s(he) is, what his or her limitations and needs are, and what will probably work or not work.

So I guess I would say that yes, it's by and large a matter of knowing who you are, and of finding the person or type of person who is going to be able to identify that as well, and accept it, enjoy it, and vice-versa.

I used not to believe there was any such a thing as "compatibility," because I figured all relationships take work (which of course they do) and that if two people worked hard enough, they'd be able to get along. I figured that if they didn't work at it, then no matter how "compatible" they are, it wouldn't work anyway.

While this makes a certain amount of sense, I now think that there are personality types that are inherently incompatible with each other, and that there are those that are. Life is only so long, so you might as well find someone who is compatible with you, and increase your chances.

But I think I'm going off on a tangent now. Anyway, I hope that helps. I am by no means advanced in this subject, and I consider myself blessed that Beth and I are finally getting back together, because we always were so compatible, and we never seemed to fight over anything.

So, maybe it's a good idea for you to be more on the lookout for men with whom you will hit it off, then to worry about whether or not you are being rejected or accepted right off the bat.

 

[bookstar]

Will It Happen If I Change My Attitude?

Hello,

I have struggled most of my life with attracting beautiful women (My type I am attracted to both physically and mentally/emotionally), not because I am not attractive, as I am very attractive since I am a former face model.

I have struggled with my self-esteem most of my life and to this day I struggle with thoughts of feeling inferior and not good enough towards a specific type of women. I have had issues with my height (I am 5'7"), my status (money and position), and just plain feeling inferior to to other guys, even if I may be physically more attractive.

So as a result whenever I see a beautiful woman, I actually get angry at her because I am jealous for not having her and then I think in my mind that if I were to give her attention, she would think I am not good enough for someone like her.

So it has been my thoughts and attitude towards women all these years which is probably the reason I have never attracted the type of women that is considered my ideal. I never have approached them because of the way I feel about myself and the way I think they will feel about me.

Yes, I have attracted women in my life. I have been married and I have had many girlfriends, but almost none of them have been what I have been truely looking for both physically and emotionally. I have always gone for women that I feel good enough for, and not towards what I really want.

It kills me to see so many men in this world get exactly the type of woman I have always wanted to attract in my life. I get so jealous of that. The icing on the cake is the fact that these guys are normally no better looking or higher in position then I am, yet they have attracted exactly what I have always wanted to attract.

So my remedy is to change my attitude and fear thoughts towards beautiful women, along with increasing my self-esteem and not feeling insecure any longer, and my theory is finally I will start to automatically attract beautiful women into my life. They will be automatically attracted to me and start to appear in my life in different ways.

Right now I almost feel that women are for some reason turned off by me. It seems when I am at a group or event setting that women never approach me or when I talk to them I sense they are not interested in me. I feel I have been cursed with something that unattracts women, that it is my destiny to never be happy with the opposite sex. I am now starting to understand that maybe I have a bad vibration towards women and they can sense this and are automatically turned off by me.

Like I mentioned earlier, I am not even close to being ugly physically, and I am not poor or have a bad, stuck-up personality, yet I struggle harder then I feel most guys do in attracting women.

I am looking for more ideas of what I need to do to start attracting women into my life. what have I been doing wrong? What must I do to be like so many other guys out there that practically can go into any crowd full of single women and choose whom they would like to be with and be successful.

Thank you for all of your inputs and help!!! ;o)