Attracting women

[moonriver]

Would there be anything wrong with being single for awhile and just taking the time to figure out exactly what it is that you really want? Could you talk to some of the women that you have dated and find out what they think was missing, maybe ask some of your friends?

I think its good to have goals and know what you wan but are you sure that you really want a relationship with a beautiful woman or do you think you need that to impress someone? Couldnt you be equally happy with someone that was still attractive but had a beautiful soul or a kind heart? Thats what I would like but I know that what I am looking for might not be the right thing for anyone else. I find that those are the kind of people that are most attractive to me now, the bad boys or the super good looking guy that knows he is super good looking often only ends in heartache for me. Maybe it would be different for you, but dont you think that may be missing out on something by overlooking people that may not fit your beauty ideal?

 

[Daniel E.]

I'm still really confused as to how many women you even talk to.

Have you tried online dating? What about just trying to make more friends, with the long-term goal of finding someone by having a larger social network?

 

[Lana]

Hi Bookstar;

Sometimes, physical looks don't quite cut it when it comes to attracting people or forming relationships. If you put too much value into that, and not enough into who you are, as an individual, that imbalance may cause some trouble.

When I read your post I understood that you're very attractive, but that you had a great deal of insecurity about yourself, your status, and finances. I find, that people that are happy with themselves, are approachable and at ease, are the most attractive. So much so, that often, I can't tell if they're good looking or not (and I don't really care), I just know that they make me feel good when I'm in their company. Those are the people that I want to be with. That is the draw, the magnetism, the appeal. Looks don't even enter the equation.

Now, if I meet someone that is angry, or insecure, my nurturing instinct kicks in. I want to help them find happiness. I use what I learned from others and apply it. I am happy, I am healthy, I am content with my life and my self (well, most of the time ) and that is what I project at them. You say you feel anger when you see an attractive woman. what if you felt happy instead? Just happy to see her. Curious to know more about her. Warm and fuzzy because she is who she is. What do you think would happen? Give it a try.

Someone suggested feigning interest or adopting a personality to fit with them...I'm not sure I agree because to me, it implies being false. That may get their attention initially, may even get something started, but it is not sustainable. Eventually, true self surfaces and then everyone gets hurt. He says, "I did this and that FOR her" and she cries "It was all a lie, he pretended to be the person I fell for".

I still feel that being comfortable in your own skin is the key. The benefits of that are enormous on so many levels. Why do some, apparently, unattractive men get the gorgeous women? Because they help women feel gorgeous. Because they like who they are. Because they have genuine and sincere interest in women, and men, as individuals, not as someone to save them. Bottom line, you have to like yourself. If you can't like or love yourself, how can you expect others to?

I know what I'm suggesting is not simple. But, if you can do this, even if you have to pretend at first, I'm willing to bet that you'll be able to share a plesant interchange. Once you're more confortable, it'll grow into conversation. And so on. Don't worry about your looks, status, or finances, those will take care of themselves. Focus on liking yourself first, and getting ot know the other person. Self appreciation and love, as simple as they seem, are not always so simple

 

[stargazer]

I find, that people that are happy with themselves, are approachable and at ease, are the most attractive.

I agree with Lana.

I recently had the unsettling experience of going on a "blind date" -- that is, I met a woman on the Internet who lived near me, and who liked me on the basis of an email exchange, and I her. We knew without seeing each other that we wanted to date.

As soon as she showed up, I could not help but notice that she was unusually beautiful -- so much so, that I got so unexpectedly nervous that I could no longer maintain the self-confidence to which she was so attracted.

Although she was courteous enough not to leave in the middle of the date (as in, leave a note when I went to the bathroom, etc.) I'm pretty sure I'm never going to see her again, unfortunately.

My point is, when I was overtaken by her physical beauty, I forgot for the moment the reason why I was attracted to her in the first place. So, the more realistic basis for attraction fell by the wayside, and she probably left thinking I was just another gawking guy, so to speak.

Bottom line, you have to like yourself. If you can't like or love yourself, how can you expect others to?

Right on. And I think that, at least in my case, my liking of myself is intermittent, and not continuous. That date proved it. So, the goal is to develop a healthy enough self-esteem that it won't be destroyed by the arrival of the unexpected.

 

[music dad]

Just on the tail end of this thread... directed to the initial thread starting person on this topic...(for lack of better words)
When you are out looking....on the prowl.....for whatever reason I'm sure there is many, I find that it is much more difficult to attract the opposite sex (or same if so inclined)..being politically correct(trying) When you are not looking..it always seems.the flood gates open. I think self confidence is easily picked up by the oposite sex...when either not looking or in a relationship the need isn't there, the void isn't there the confidence is

 

[Lana]

I think there's some truth in what you say, Music Dad. BUT... ... I'm not sure that self confidence is what attached folks exude. I think that what makes attached people attractive to others is this:

1. There is this (absurd, I think) notion where people think that says you're good relationship material because you're already in a relationship. Those looking want a piece of that.

2. Some may be in some "competition" with the person you're attached to. I've actually had that experience. When my husband and I began dating (college days, many many moons ago), one girl had the audacity to say in front of me, "what does she have that I don't?" (he answered, "me") another went further by saying "why would you choose a pork chop over a filet mignon" (while I was gasping from shock, he casually said "I love pork!")

3. I have doubts that people that are attracted to someone attached are actually looking to be attached themselves. Attached people are safe. That means, they can't threaten a persons livelihood, their personal freedom, ask for commitment, and so on.

4. The old adage: "Some always want what they can't have"

5. It's the thrill of breaking a huge taboo..."but he/she is with someone else!"

6. In some cases, attached people seek out other people because they're either unwilling or unable to deal with issues in their immediate relationship. This can spawn a whole new set of issues: transference and projection being a couple of them. Or, rather then deal with issues, they look for an escape. Either way, it's not pretty.

So...be careful if you're attached and someone is whispering sweet nothings in your ear. The best way to attract others is to form a relationship with yourself and like yourself. Not only will you attract people, you will also have the wits about you to decide if what you attracted is good for you or not. It won't be a problem to say, and believe, "I deserve more". And you really do. No one should have to settle or steal.

 

[xenopath]

Relationships are a game. People go wrong by taking them to be something more significant. Learn the rules, learn how to manipulate the rules to your advantage, and you win. Simple as that.

 

[Halo]

I happen to disagree with you Xenopath. I don't think that relationships are a game at all. Games are about winning and losing and relationships don't have anything to do with that. You don't win or lose someone...you build a relationship with someone. You don't manipulate the rules or anyone to your advantage in order to win or get them. In my opinion relationships are built on mutual trust, honesty and compassion.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

And I'm going to agree with Halo and also disagree with you.

Relationships are a game. People go wrong by taking them to be something more significant. Learn the rules, learn how to manipulate the rules to your advantage, and you win. Simple as that.

That's a recipe for short-term "relationships" where one or both people use the other person, but it's definitely not a recipe for a successful long-term relationship.

 

[stargazer]

Games are about winning and losing and relationships don't have anything to do with that. You don't win or lose someone...you build a relationship with someone. You don't manipulate the rules or anyone to your advantage in order to win or get them. In my opinion relationships are built on mutual trust, honesty and compassion.

I agree with Halo. A relationship actually fail when one or the other parties treats it is a game -- it then becomes a competition, rather than a partnership.

 

[xenopath]

I happen to disagree with you Xenopath. I don't think that relationships are a game at all. Games are about winning and losing and relationships don't have anything to do with that. You don't win or lose someone...you build a relationship with someone. You don't manipulate the rules or anyone to your advantage in order to win or get them. In my opinion relationships are built on mutual trust, honesty and compassion.

Relationships are about getting what you want from someone else, be that money, comfort, sex or emotions. Games aren't always competative, and two people looking for the same thing from one another can play a cooperative relationship game.

That's a recipe for short-term "relationships" where one or both people use the other person, but it's definitely not a recipe for a successful long-term relationship.

Not all relationships need be long term. If you can get what you want quickly, why hang around?

I agree with Halo. A relationship actually fail when one or the other parties treats it is a game -- it then becomes a competition, rather than a partnership.

All human interaction is essentially competition. Sometimes its friendly and mutually beneficial, other times its not.

 

[Halo]

Relationships are about getting what you want from someone else, be that money, comfort, sex or emotions. Games aren't always competative, and two people looking for the same thing from one another can play a cooperative relationship game.

I completely disagree with you Xenopath. Relationships are not only about getting what you want from someone else. Relationships are about a mutual give and receive for the benefit of both parties. It is not all about what you can get from someone else the quickest. That would be using someone and not caring about their feelings. In my opinion you may want to look up the real meaning of the word "relationship".

Not all relationships need be long term. If you can get what you want quickly, why hang around?

You are right that not all relationships need to be long term however again it is not about getting what you want quickly and getting out. That is called a one night stand and not a relationship.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Relationships are about getting what you want from someone else, be that money, comfort, sex or emotions.

Absolutely false. No healthy relationship is like that.

Not all relationships need be long term. If you can get what you want quickly, why hang around?

That's not a relationship. That's exploitation.

All human interaction is essentially competition. Sometimes its friendly and mutually beneficial, other times its not.

Not true. You need to look at some of the research on philanthropy. You also need to take a careful look at your attitudes toward interpersonal relationships, in my opinion. They are extremely distorted and egocentric.

I completely disagree with you Xenopath. Relationships are not only about getting what you want from someone else. Relationships are about a mutual give and receive for the benefit of both parties. It is not all about what you can get from someone else the quickest. That would be using someone and not caring about their feelings. In my opinion you may want to look up the real meaning of the word "relationship".

You are right that not all relationships need to be long term however again it is not about getting what you want quickly and getting out. That is called a one night stand and not a relationship.

Absolutely right.

 

[stargazer]

Xenopath, it may well be the case that human beings have a naturally competitive aspect, connected to our survival instinct. However, for an enduring relationship to succeed, a certain amount of self-sacrifice needs to be involved. The very idea of a relationship is that two people make a commitment to a partnership -- not a game in any sense. I think you think you are expressing an outlook of "enlightened self-interest," but I really take exception to the idea that this applies to human relationships in general, much less intimate ones.

In fact, I would venture to say that intimacy and "game-playing" (which you seem to think is not competetive, for some reason) are mutually exclusive. How can you maintain true intimacy with someone with whom you are playing games?

 

[xenopath]

I completely disagree with you Xenopath. Relationships are not only about getting what you want from someone else. Relationships are about a mutual give and receive for the benefit of both parties. It is not all about what you can get from someone else the quickest. That would be using someone and not caring about their feelings. In my opinion you may want to look up the real meaning of the word "relationship".

A relationship is a series of interactions between two people. Beyond that, it has no inherent meaning.

Not true. You need to look at some of the research on philanthropy. You also need to take a careful look at your attitudes toward interpersonal relationships, in my opinion. They are extremely distorted and egocentric.

Philanthropy, like altruism more generally, is an illusion. People always want something in return when they act 'altruistically', be it gaining cooperation and therefore a survival advantage, an improvement in their social or self image, or access to more sexual partners through lavish displays of wealth.

In fact, I would venture to say that intimacy and "game-playing" (which you seem to think is not competetive, for some reason) are mutually exclusive. How can you maintain true intimacy with someone with whom you are playing games?

I'm not a competative person, I'm supremely confident in my own abilities and feel no need to 'test' myself against others. So when I play games, I play them for fun, not competatively. This applies to all games, be they video, card, board or social. Intimacy is a game I'm particularly good at- I can get anyone to open up to me, to spill their heart out to me and feel an intimate bond with me. But, it is just a game: it works the same way whether you reciprocate the emotion or not.

 

[music dad]

I think there's some truth in what you say, Music Dad. BUT... ... I'm not sure that self confidence is what attached folks exude. I think that what makes attached people attractive to others is this:

1. There is this (absurd, I think) notion where people think that says you're good relationship material because you're already in a relationship. Those looking want a piece of that.

I hear what you are saying. However my reference wasn't specific to "attached" people. As I mentioned just "not looking" for a relationship and being cool with where you are at in my personal experience and others I've known have found more people interested in them.

 

[xenopath]

Absolutely false. No healthy relationship is like that.
...
That's not a relationship. That's exploitation.

No-one stays in a relationship where they are getting nothing. They may not state openly what it is they want (in fact, they never do so) but that doesn't mean they don't want something. If what they want and what you want are compatable, the arrangement can be mutually beneficial (I suppose that's what you mean by a 'healthy relationship'?). But when what you want and what they want are at odds, your choice is to help yourself or harm yourself- I would say the latter would be the pathological choice.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

A relationship is a series of interactions between two people. Beyond that, it has no inherent meaning.

I feel sorry for you if you truly believe that. First. because it isn't true. And second, because it reveals an unusually jaded and cynical outlook which is going to doom you to a very empty life if you don't find a way to change it.

Or, you could simply be trolling for a reaction to your outrageous statements...

Philanthropy, like altruism more generally, is an illusion. People always want something in return when they act 'altruistically', be it gaining cooperation and therefore a survival advantage, an improvement in their social or self image, or access to more sexual partners through lavish displays of wealth.

You are wrong, plain and simple. Do a little homework here. There is a body of research on altruism.

I'm not a competative person, I'm supremely confident in my own abilities and feel no need to 'test' myself against others.

I think the phrase "supremely arrogant and egocentric" is probably more accurate.

So when I play games, I play them for fun, not competatively. This applies to all games, be they video, card, board or social. Intimacy is a game I'm particularly good at- I can get anyone to open up to me, to spill their heart out to me and feel an intimate bond with me. But, it is just a game: it works the same way whether you reciprocate the emotion or not.

Maybe for a day or two. But most people won't be fooled for long.

It's not just that you're wrong, xenopath. It's that what you are claiming to believe is offensive to most people. I only hope that it's coming from ignorance and inexperience and not from malice.

 

[Halo]

A relationship is a series of interactions between two people. Beyond that, it has no inherent meaning.

Yes a relationship is a series of interactions between two people however that just proves that your view on relationships may be a little distorted given what you said...."Relationships are about getting what you want from someone else, be that money, comfort, sex or emotions".

Philanthropy, like altruism more generally, is an illusion. People always want something in return when they act 'altruistically', be it gaining cooperation and therefore a survival advantage, an improvement in their social or self image, or access to more sexual partners through lavish displays of wealth.

I again have to disagree with you. There are many people that are not out for personal gain in what they do whether it be a relationship, their profession, volunteer work etc. Some people just like to help others, care for others and are compassionate people who have no interest whatsoever in what they can get out of the situation. In my opinion, I really think that your perception of people in this world is flawed especially your way of generalized thinking saying "people always want something in return".

I'm not a competative person, I'm supremely confident in my own abilities and feel no need to 'test' myself against others. So when I play games, I play them for fun, not competatively. This applies to all games, be they video, card, board or social. Intimacy is a game I'm particularly good at- I can get anyone to open up to me, to spill their heart out to me and feel an intimate bond with me. But, it is just a game: it works the same way whether you reciprocate the emotion or not.

That is great that you are confident in yourself and your abilities in life however again I don't see intimacy as a game. You are playing with someone else's emotions with no care in the world for them or how they feel and are only looking to benefit for yourself. In my opinion that is cruel to not think of someone else's feelings and emotions and to look at them as a game to conquer.

 

[music dad]

Relationships are a game. People go wrong by taking them to be something more significant. Learn the rules, learn how to manipulate the rules to your advantage, and you win. Simple as that.

Interesting...so what are the rules?.