Body image issue

[screamingdaisy]

janetr, you are a beautiful human being. Don't let the imposter tell you otherwise. Embrace those days where you can look in the mirror and see that beautiful reflection, and realize that the true qualities of each and every one of us lie beneath the superficial exterior. You are unique, you are beautiful. Remember that, and keep on loving you!
*hugs*

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thank you for those kind, kind words. I so needed them today. And I hope that you can feel that way about yourself as well and love yourself too.

Hugs.

 

[Sonz]

You know you guys I’ve been reading other postings and as I read I feel so bad and so sad that so many of you are feeling so bad. I know we’ve all been there, those times when everything seems a mess and all we can do is cry but why do we keep feeling so bad? I wish I could make all of you feel better. Instead of dwelling on the bad things why don’t we talk about different ways of thinking, positive ways. For example I think about how much worse things can get and all the other problems we could be faced with. Or think about how no one cares what we look like, think of our friends and significant others, they are not our friends or lovers because we look perfect but because we are good people, right?
I'm going to order a pizza and a bikini and be happy about it damn it! =) I'm so sick of constantly judging myself, its exhausting!

 

[witsend]

IT COULD BE WORSE!

I've read over the posts regarding body image issues...so let me make all of you feel better about yourselves. IT COULD BE WORSE!!!! I am embarassed to be seen in public and I hate everything about myself! My hair is thin, I have an acne-infested-scarred face, and my body--well, I'd rather to have never been born at all, than to have been born looking like this!!! Am approaching 40 and have tried, unsuccessfully to change it all--physicians, psychologists, dermatologists, nutritionists, and every workout routine/powder/supplement under the sun!!!! Have attempted suicide twice...the ONLY reason I am still here, is, my parents have severe health issues and I want to take care ofthem...after that.....I have no parameters as to what I will or will not do for relief......

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: IT COULD BE WORSE!

I am embarassed to be seen in public and I hate everything about myself!

I'm sorry you feel so badly.

I feel the same way about being embarrassed to be seen in public. I also hate everything about myself. I think I'm ugly. I have scars from hurting myself. But there must be some reason why I'm here on this earth. I'm still trying to figure it out.

 

[witsend]

Thanks for posting, so Janetr---what do you feel is ugly about you? And remember, before you answer, it could be worse..look at my own desciptions....

 

[David Baxter PhD]

witsend, this isn't an ugly contest, any more than it's a beauty contest.

The point is that eventually we all learn to accept, work with, make the best of whatever we are given. That's really pretty much all anyone can do, isn't it?

 

[Cat Dancer]

Yes, that's all we can do.

Isn't a lot of it a matter of perspective too? Don't most people have something about themselves that they don't like or wish they could change? Nobody's perfect, that's for sure. Well, there are a few people who think they are. Those are the hard people to live with.

What I'm trying to do is think about what I can do for someone else. I can smile. I can listen. I can care and just let someone know that I care. It helps take the focus off myself and onto someone else. I think a true friend isn't really going to care how I look anyway.

I'm not trying to make light of what you're saying, witsend. I think this is a very painful issue for you and I just wish there could be something that we could say to you that would help you.

I have found that some of the people that I am drawn to most just have an inner glow about them. It's not how they look at all. It's just something inside that comes out. Something beautiful. Some quality that I can't put my finger on or name.

I don't know. I just hope for you that someday you can get past this and really live and enjoy life and not worry so much. I'm hoping to get to that point myself someday.

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

with an outlook and 'personality' (as much as i can tell through the screen that is, ) like yours janetr, i'm sure you will one day. And I hope you do too.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks.

 

[witsend]

Janet and David---thanks so very much for your responses! I only wish it were thate asy---self acceptance! Until one has been there, as I am, it is difficult to do that! I have to take it day-by-day and each day is a struggle....THANKS AGAIN!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't think either of us were trying to say it's easy, witsend...more that there really aren't any other options.

 

[witsend]

options

Dr. Baxter,

So, your (and everyones) advice is.....accept it??? Okay how? This is not a Nike commercial......

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I do think you should try to find a therapist to talk to about this, witsend. This is about more than how you look, or think you look. It's about how you see yourself in the world, in relation to other people, as well as in relation to yourself. And that's not something that will be resolved in a discussion a little text box on a forum...

 

[witsend]

Thanks Dr. Baxter..but, as I stated on posts months ago...I have been that route...unsuccessfully I might add. "They" (therapists) try and paint this pretty (fictitious) picture of how I don't look that bad, how I have "other" good qualities, so on and so forth.......like going to a car lot to buy a Camaro and getting talked into buying a moped........with an added sales pitch of how the moped is more economical and dah-dah-dah-dah....

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Perhaps you didn't have the right therapists. Or perhaps you weren't ready to hear what they had to say.

Perhaps you're looking for peace and enlightenment in the wrong places...

I guess I'd just ask you to consider what I asked you before: What are the alternatives?

 

[witsend]

Dr. Baxter,

Well, I know if I had a caring, outgoing professional as yourself...the outcome may be better. Just to recap, out of respect to you...I have felt this way all my life and I tried the therapy approach from 1985 until 1997--many different counselors, psy. technicians, psychologists, psychiatrists...the only summation I got was categorized/diagnosed---"Avoidant Personality Disorder"--which is a vicious cycle, for I would not feel as I do if I did not look like I do and I couldn't look like this, without feeling this..

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't mean to belittle or trivialize what you have been through, witsend. I would and do say the same to someone suffering from chronic pain: Maybe the answer is not to look for a way to make it go away but for a way to make it more manageable or tolerable.

Part of the answer may lie in spirtuality rather than psychotherapy... or in something you invent yourself that combines the two...

 

[witsend]

Dr. Baxter,

Okay, please...PLEASE.reread my posts...at your leisure-all of them, esp. the initial one from back in January. Then tell me what YOU would do, both personally and professionally? As for spiritual---I DO BELIEVE IN GOD---but I also feel like I was robbed of my happiness, due to the genetics which predispostioned me to looking like ____. If GOD gave Mr. so and so over here---a head of hair and muscles..(or at least the genes to attain/keep them).and all men are created equal....something doesn't match???

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Have you ever seen pictures of Abraham Lincoln, Abraham Maslow, Sister Teresa, Eddy Shack? Add your own names to the list... there are many people who had humble beginnings, physically and in other ways, and who found a way to rise above them...

Abraham Maslow, one of the great psychologists and founder of the Humanist approach to psychology, grew up believing he was stupid (later in life his IQ was shown to be in excess of 165 or so) and "the ugliest kid you've ever seen" (those are the oft-repeated words of his father while he was growing up; his mother also tried to kill him at one point with a knife and he was ridiculed by his peers at school and in the neighborhood). As an adult, he used his humility and his traumatic experiences to connect to other people and to further his own and our understanding of what humanity is about.

Alfred Adler was another one, weak and sickly as a child, not a very attractive child or man, but he took those experiences and turned them into a way of understanding himself and other people in new and unique ways that eventually helped others and years after his death are continuing to help other people.

Or have you ever heard of Terry Fox? He didn't have very many years on this earth and he struggled through many of the years he did have... do you think he made a difference?

There are numerous stories like this... I'm sure everyone here could add to the list and I have no doubt you could do the same. These are not really extraordinary people. They are not superheroes. They are just people who were determined not to let life defeat them, who are determined to not give up, who manage to reach inside themselves in spite of their fears and doubts and insecurities to exemplify what Albert Payson Terhune defined as true courage in his book, The Heart of a Dog: "Courage consists in holding on just one moment longer."

You do not have to fit anyone's preconceived mold to make a difference or to be happy. I have read your posts, though I haven't commented on all of them. I think in your case the mold you are agonizing over not fitting is one you have created yourself.

All of us, even those you think have perfect lives, have had to overcome tragedies and regrets and fears and insecurities.

Read the thread here on Viktor Frankl and see if you can find a copy of his book, Man's Search for Meaning. Washington Square Press, 1988 (ISBN 0671023373). You may find it helpful.

It is not about the hand life deals you... it's about what you do with that hand.