Body image issue

[Lost]

Eunoia - I'll have a word with your professors, and make sure I enlighten them as to what are truly the most important things in life! This website - and especially answering my post! - definitely takes priority over some measly, irrelevant essays...
Great, now I can relax in the safe knowledge that you are a fellow hair-twirler!

And about the Stepford wives - I haven't seen it yet altho it's on my list... I saw the trailer though. and I know EXACTLY what you mean. Exhausting is the word.
And holding things in, keeping them all bottled up inside - is such a bad thing to do... and I do it the whole time too! Maybe we should try just screaming and yelling and sobbing, and see what it's like... I'm sure we'll both feel a lot better. I'm so controlled and closed-up I don't even know if I could, even if I wanted to... Unless I lost my temper... and then of course it's easy...

And I understand you perfectly, about being genuine. You are genuine, just not so much with your deep and innermost emotions... but a lot of people are like that, and I don't mean people like me with a serious case of detachment from what we feel deep down... but a lot of people take time to work out what they're really feeling inside.

 

[foghlaim]

Maybe we should try just screaming and yelling and sobbing, and see what it's like

that sentence makes me think of a group here in Irl.. not sure if they are still around actually.. the were known as the Screamers.. and their idea was that ppl could go to this place and cry,scream shout ect and get it out of their system... never heard if they had any counselleors there or anything.. they did make the news tho as An unconventional or weird group. *s*

that's all i can remember about them. has anyone here heard of them??

 

[Peanut]

Eunoia, is it not spring break where you live?? I have not had to write an essay in a whole week and it is so nice!?

Lost--

And btw, on a much more serious note, I didn't really have any friends growing up - seriously.? I had 'fake friends', and I was regarded as a popular girl, but in truth I had no real friends out of school.? And of course it affected me.?

Maybe the difference between you and me is that I'm counting my fake friends as friends!? Seriously though, the reason it bothered me that he asked is that I seem to have problems in almost every other area in my life except having friends (in real life, maybe not so much on here) and when he kept asking me about that it felt like he was taking the one thing that I do have and making it seem like I don't have that either!? Everytime the therapist brings something like that up it seems to come true, like an omen.? For example, I used to sleep wonderfully, until he kept asking me, "how are you sleeping?"...now I can NOT sleep at ALL.? It seems like he is taking away everything that I have going for me...or rather, when he mentions it, whatever he is asking about happens!? Actually, I saw him yesterday and the appointment was not good.? It was scary.? Very scary.?

My therapist is very ...calculated, and very rarely talks about herself...? So me saying 'how are you' to her is almost like me going over the boundary

So last week I told my therapist how uncomfortable it made me that we only talk about me and he keeps expecting me to start the session talking about...something???? I don't know what he wants me to talk about.? Anyway, yesterday he actually started with some normal talking and it was so much more relaxing.? He asked if I liked the weather and where I was born and then he started talking about his wife.? I'm SO glad I said something because it was so much more comfortable and normal feeling.? It made a big difference...but then like I said the session got really scary and I'm really freaked about what he said after that.? And I'm pretty sure he thinks I have some kind of eating disorder because he kept badgering me about what exactly it was that I ate (what do you tell someone when they ask that?!) and then he said, so what are you going to have for lunch, honestly, and I told him probably nothing...then he said, "so what are you going to have for dinner tonight...a piece of bread?"? Then he said that was something that we're going to have to talk about .? BUT that wasn't even the scariest part.? He said the famous last words...DANGER TO SELF!!? After being on here I know what that means and it really is freaking me out!!? I'm trying to decide if I should go back or not because I don't know what exactly it is that he has planned for me ? The session was so upsetting I almost felt like crying but thankfully I was able to twirl my hair instead....

 

[David Baxter PhD]

In Canada, there is no spring break per se. In universities, there is Study Week in February. In primary school and high school, there is March Break. Both are history for this year now.

 

[Cat Dancer]

notsureanymore:

that sentence makes me think of a group here in Irl.. not sure if they are still around actually.. the were known as the Screamers.. and their idea was that ppl could go to this place and cry,scream shout ect and get it out of their system... never heard if they had any counselleors there or anything.. they did make the news tho as An unconventional or weird group.? *s*

that's all i can remember about them.? has? anyone here heard of them??

I have not heard of this. I have heard of mourning rituals in some country (can't remember where) in which they just cry and mourn for like a month after a loved one dies, like getting all of it out or something. I thought that was interesting.

That is an interesting concept.

Toeless:

BUT that wasn't even the scariest part.? He said the famous last words...DANGER TO SELF!!? After being on here I know what that means and it really is freaking me out!!?

Is this scary because you're thinking he's thinking about hospitalization?

 

[Lost]

Toeless, good to hear from you again.

It might help you to remember that your therapist really does want the best for you... I don't know what you're eating every day, but if there's a risk that you'll pass out from exhaustion or maybe even worse (god forbid) and it ends up being really bad for you, it'll be on his conscience.? And he's trying to prevent something bad from happening by helping you now.? He wants to see a happy, healthy, slim Toeless.? Not a sorry skinny, anxious Toeless.

I hate sounding like I'm lecturing - when you wrote your post I started feeling really scared for you, but I thought if I expand on that it'll only make you more worried... which I hope I'm not doing now...
Anyway I would have thought that being a danger to yourself is more like someone who cuts, or who's suicidal...? Not someone with a simple ED...

But you've said that you keep wanting to diet, although you've already reached your goal... (could you lend me some of your self-control please...?) which doesn't sound like the healthiest thing (altho I really am jealous that you can control yourself with food - I totally totally can't)...
But there must be something inside you which is DRIVING you to see food as evil / fattening / and something which you can't enjoy.? And it shouldn't be that way.? And I think in order to help you overcome your ED you need to try and work out what is driving you to eat that way.? (or not eat that way...)? Your therapist should be helping you to identify what it is inside you that is making you do what you do.? And he can't help you with that unless you're willing to talk about it.
And it also sounds a little like you're not taking full advantage of what your therapist has to offer from the way you write about your sessions.? Maybe I'm being horrible and judgemental (which god knows I can be so feel free to ignore me and never talk to me again...) but I sense from the way you write about your sessions, that you're scared to go into things, and are avoiding talking about the things that can help you.

We joked about staring out the window and doing things which distract... Well, I'd say I do that about 10% of the time... I mostly plunge into the things she talks about, and only rarely, when I just don't want to handle it any more do I start staring out the window.? But most of the time I'm aware that I'm paying her a freaking fortune, and I'm not paying her in order to hide, change the subject, talk about her own life, and generally waste time.?
So although it's hard, and painful, and makes me wanna cry, and when I get home I'm depressed and I eat like a total maniac - despite all that, I do try to answer her as honestly and as openly as possible - coz I know that we're both trying to help me.? And I'm not gonna be helped unless I'm WILLING to open up to her help.? And opening up to her help isn't always easy.

But on the bright side - she really has helped me.? I can already see the difference in the half a year that I've been going to her.? I am far less anxious, less angry, and less frustrated...

 

[Peanut]

Yes, Janet that is what I'm afraid of...not because I think it's that bad for me, but because he used those words exactly.? I asked him if that's what he was getting at and he said no, but I still wonder.

Lost,

you're not taking full advantage of what your therapist has to offer from the way you write about your sessions

You are so right about that, thanks for the reality check--I needed it.? My therapist is the nicest guy in the world and I still don't know how to use the sessions.? I found this great therapist but I guess it doesn't matter if I am too...I don't know what the word is...stupid/ungrateful/uncomfortable to use him.? Maybe I need to stop seeing him until I can get my act together more.? I think that all this thinking about this and therapy and whatnot is making me more anxious and I am worsening (and taking it out on you guys!).? I don't think that it would be an eating disorder hosipitalization...he hasn't even said those words (eating disorder) to me. I am not emaciated or anything like that.? ?I don't think there is anything that he could hospitalize me for..? He followed the danger to self up with a reference of 'self destructive behavior'.? I think if I don't figure out how to use the help soon that I'm going to have to stop seeing him...I'm unable to use what he is offering me. I seriously do not know how to use the help.? I think I just need to start going out more, eating more, exercising and I will be fine.? Apparently this may be a 'start taking care of yourself or someone else will do it for you' type of thing.? I think I am just hitting rock bottom so now there's nowhere to go but up (I hope).?

I really appreciate your being upfront with your opinion.? I have had a major attitude problem lately and I need to get over it and I need to stop sounding so mean and ridiculous and torturing you guys (I'm sure my husband is grateful though since I get it all of my chest here).? I am truly sorry about that, there is no excuse for the way I've been acting. This is totally my fault.? I don't know what has gotten into me.? ???

I will stop taking my agitation out on my therapist and everyone here-I promise!? Everything will be ok-it always turns out ok in the end, right?

 

[Cat Dancer]

I definitely don't think you need to stop seeing your therapist. I think he's there to help you with these issues. Also, I think going to therapy is bound to bring up some anxiety, plus dealing with all the other things you've been dealing with, but I definitely think you shouldn't stop going.

It sounds like he really wants to help you deal with your eating behavior and maybe that's why he's bringing up "self destructive" behavior. I don't think you could be hospitalized for that against your will.

You are not being mean or taking anything out on us. I don't see that at all. You're just trying to figure things out and it's not easy.

 

[Eunoia]

lost-

I'm so controlled and closed-up I don't even know if I could, even if I wanted to...

so true. I know that sometimes I really do want to be honest and just let go, and yet there is something keeping me from doing so. too much practice I guess.

toeless-

it felt like he was taking the one thing that I do have and making it seem like I don't have that either!

I sometimes feel like that too. I almost feel like lately I have come up w/ a giant list of things that are NOT working, things that are problems/issues/might be problems etc and it almost feels like, okay, what's left??? I really do think that for myself at least it would be so much "easier" to deal w/ just one issue then all of these things combined. I guess a lot of them are interrelated but it's nice to have at least a few things still "functioning"- and my friends are probably my life safer so even if he questions that area in your life, you know that you have your friends when it comes down to it. it makes sense why someone would ask- b/c social support is so important. it doesn't mean that he thinks you have a problem w/ that per say.

and no, I don't have spring break as David was nice enough to explain.?

I don't think you should stop going to therapy. if it becomes scarry it probably means you're approaching an area that you could really use some help w/... you don't have to let him make all the decisions and you certainly have the right to draw boundaries and say you only want to go so far, but I think you have to work with him on some level to get anywhere. and even if you were to stop going, the fear of whatever it is you're afraid about would still be there. it would just be avoided. I think lost brought up a good point about taking full advantage of therapy- it makes SO much sense and to be honest, I don't think I'm doing it either. and it is so much easier- in the short term- to "run away"- but I think we all know those things will follow us no matter where we go or how fast we run... and it's a good point. we're there by free will- so you might as well make the most of it. you're not taking it out on us, I'm glad you can discuss all of this on here...

side-note:

Not someone with a simple ED...

just to clarify- there's no such thing as a "simple" ED.

 

[Lost]

Toeless, don't really have time to write - but I just HAD to say - i don't know what you're talking about being mean, and TORTURING people here...?!?

You've only been sweet and funny... so please don't apologise for things which you have nothing to apologise for!
maybe I should apologise for upsetting you and making you respond feeling like you had to apologise... when you really have ABSOLUTLYE NOTHING to apologise for!!!!

So I'm sorry.

 

[Peanut]

Hey everyone, thanks for saying I'm not torturing everyone here first of all and for the support.

Lost, second of all, I wanted to say that I seriously owe you a huge thank you.? You gave me a serious kick in the butt when I needed one and it has helped me a lot.? You were the only person I knew that hit me across the face with that stuff and now I get it.? You accomplished what I had been unable to do.? Thanks to your posts I got my stressed out self back on the treadmill and it has helped my anxiety ten fold!? It has really made a huge difference.? I also quit being a recluse and I went out last night to dinner with a group of friends and I ate!! Woohoo!? After some retail therapy I'm also going to a poker game (wish me luck!)!.? I also quit taking the tranquilizers that I had thougth I needed...turns out I don't need them as much if I am running on the treadmill.? I am patting myself on the back for things that I eat instead of the things that I don't eat.? I seriously owe you for the reality check...and I can't wait until I can repay you (totally kidding? )!?

I am going to go back to the therapist and I am going to bring, as he puts it, 'the good part of myself' for him to talk to for once!? I'm sure he'll ask me what changed and I will tell him that I had a frank talk with a friend and that she talked some sense into me!? No more skinny sorry anxious Toeless!? It is time for good Toeless!

And thanks Janet and Eunoia for your support too...your posts were very soothing when I was afraid to come back and look but I'm glad that I did.? And thank you notsureanymore!!!

And thank you Dr. B for that information about spring break Study week doesn't sound quite as fun as spring break at the beach!

 

[foghlaim]

good luck at the poker game Toeless.. *s*

 

[Lost]

Toeless - thank you soooo much for your wonderful post.

I've been feeling so terrible for upsetting this poor anonymous Toeless, who's so sweet and friendly and funny... and I go and write something which you responded to so badly at first, when you were apologising for torturing people (when I was clearly the one to torture you!) and you'd thought you were being mean and ridiculous - when you were being NOTHING OF THE SORT... And normally I post on this website and altho I spend so much time on it I feel it's a good thing, and it's good for me... and after my last post to you and seeing your response I thought "why am I wasting time upsetting people and making them feel terrible?!?"

And now your last post has made me feel overwhelming relief!!!

I'm glad that after me posting what I last posted, you still regard me as a friend!
And thanks for attributing your positive turn around to my kicking your butt... (...mixed feelings here...!?!**!!?! like why am I thanking you for saying that I kicked your butt? if anyone else told me that I'd be hugely insulted...!) But there was an improvement for you, so that's great!

Hopefully next time I'll try and find a nicer way of doing it!

I can also add something that I just know from myself... sometimes I analyse and analyse and analyse how I am and what I do till it's just ridiculous ... but then other times it provides me with some useful insights...
And one thing about me that I notice, is that whenever I'm with men, I am totally different to how I am with fellow females... I've got this rating system with my husband, and we judge people according to how 'sexually aware' (SA for short!) they are... It's fine... you can call me a complete weirdo! It's just, like, some men you can treat almost like they're women since they're very not SA, and I treat them like teddy bears sort of... and some that I find myself being VERY VERY alert with, and very careful, since they are extremely SA and the type that I'd fall for... And I judge women that way too, how much of their character is taken up by their sexuality... I find often I can just see it in their faces! (ok, now I'm definitely a weirdo, right?)

Anyway... I am someone who is extremely SA. I worked out that about half of my behaviour with members of the opposite sex is with this heightened awareness that I'm talking to a MAN... not a woman.. It's hard to explain. I'm not saying that I flirt loads... just that I change quite radically around men, and I think I'm truer, and I'm more real and more comfortable when I'm with women. And that's why I asked you the other time if perhaps you're uncomfortable with your therapist since he's a male. I know for certain, that if I was with a male therapist, I'd be very very aware of talking about any personal issues - especially deeply personal issues to do with my body, since it's so closely related to my sexuality...
I'd always be wondering if there are any ulterior motives to what he's saying, what he thinks about me, if he thinks me attractive... etc... and I just know from myself that I'd be wasting a lot of my brain space on stupid stuff.

And that's just me. It may not be similar for you, I'm just very like that. I'm very into my looks and how people perceive me... (that's another thing I love about this site - I can only be real and not superficial here.)

I hope you're not going to consider this as my kicking you in the butt again...

But I'm thrilled to hear you're out socialising again! and on the treadmill!

 

[Peanut]

Yes, I agree that there is a difference in the way I act with men vs women too.? There is often some degree of sexual tension with males, even the ones that are just friends and that's all they will ever be.? You are lucky that you husband agrees with you about the SA thing!? Mine doesn't care...he tells me that if a guy is friends with me then he wants to sleep with me, period.? When I tell him, oh this guy is like a brother, etc, my husband tells me that the guy does not feel that way and that sex is the sole motivation for a male to have a friendship with a female.? He likens it to the guy waiting on the side lines for the current relationship to fail, so he can be there to 'comfort' me.? This really affected me too, since for about 3 years or so? I really didn't feel like I was able/allowed to have any male friends.? I really didn't like this because I really like people, including males, and this dumb rule made it so I couldn't be friends with (approx) half the population.? I've since had to take a stand and now I am pretty much of the mind that I am going to have my friends, and my husband can be ok with it, or not, and that's pretty much that.?

Now back to relating this to my male therapist....I definitely make an effort to look good when I go to my appointments.? It seems like if I make myself look good and normal, that maybe he won't notice so much all the bad stuff that is going on inside my head!? And like we've talked about, that is not good since I need his help to deal with the head stuff!? And the effort is kind of a moot point anyway because by the time I leave therapy I am beat red and drenched in sweat so I don't exactly look my best. I think it would probably be different to some degree if I had a female therapist.? ?I doubt I would exactly the same effort to look good.

With that being said I am feeling really frusterated.? I am trying to eat, trying to gain some weight, but my anxiety is so bad that I am having trouble eating.? Then today, I put on a pair of jeans that I had worn in December and they were WAY big.? I went out to eat and someone with me commented that it looked like I had lost quite a bit of weight.? It's really frusterating and I am really dissapointed ? I feel really, really down.

I'm glad that after me posting what I last posted, you still regard me as a friend!

Friends always!

PS-Sorry I'm not more upbeat today, I just feel like I can't muster up the strength anymore.?

 

[Lost]

Don't apologise please for not being happy. It's ok not to be happy, and it's ok to feel upset and frustrated.

It's ironic that I'm dreaming of having clothes being too big on me, and you're dreaming of the opposite.

Why do you think you're feeling down now? Was it anything to do with you having just had a 'high'...? or all to do with the weight?

In any event - there's always tomorrow, and opportunities for eating better then. And I'd love to write more but I've gotta go.

TOY Toeless... hang in there...

 

[Peanut]

I don't know...I mean I guess I had a realization that I have some serious problems that I am having a hard time managing.? You know, after I started to think about what my therapist said and take him seriously (part in thanks to you)? I realized that he had some very serious concerns about me.? He suggested medication and I really don't want to take any.? The running really helped my anxiety but then later both those days I was getting anxious feelings.? I was hoping that they would lessen, but they seem to be worsening and I was not sure if it is the stopping/weaning off the tranquilizers is just something I need to sweat out, or if this is really my anxiety level left untreated.

I still stand by what I wrote to you before though.? I am still going to make a point to run on the treadmill and work really hard in therapy.? I think I feel a liitle shaken up too because last night I went out, was really pretty anxious at first, and then I went into the bathroom, and I started getting these images flashing of my (recently) dead grandma getting pushed into the fire for her cremation.? Then I start thinking that she's really gone...and anyway....maybe I'm just now sobering up from everything I've been doing to realize that everything is not alright.

Wow, tears just came to my eyes while I wrote this--that has not happened in a long time.? I don't know what is going on.? Help! where is the old Toeless?? I want to go back to my old self so bad.? I've gotten myself in such a pit with my weight that it's going to be hard to dig myself out of it.? Now my mom is watching everything that I eat, or don't eat rather, and then that comment about my losing weight from someone else...it's just really frusterating and dissapointing. I guess it would be like if you went on a weight loss diet and the second day someone told you that you looked like you had gained weight.? It's just really disheartening.

I was so excited that I thought I was doing better reducing the medication and exercising, but the anxiety is worse now. It did not go as well as I had anticipated.? Well, I guess tomorrow is another day and hopefully I'll be back to my old happy, only mildly anxious self.

Today I just feel soooooo......not good.? On a scale from 1-10 I think I'd give today a 2.5.?

In any event - there's always tomorrow, and opportunities for eating better then

That is totally right and I will try hard to eat today and try hard tomorrow too, and then things have got to get better.

Well, I after posting about the anxiety in another thread, I thinK I am going to keep taking the medication that I do have while I try to work on eating, and exercising, and therapy, and everything else.? Hopefully that will work better

 

[Cat Dancer]

Then I start thinking that she's really gone...and anyway....maybe I'm just now sobering up from everything I've been doing to realize that everything is not alright.

It's kind of like waves of pain and grief, sort of. And sometimes you just get knocked down by them.

I agree about it being a bad time to wean yourself off the medication. It sounds like you're feeling very overwhelmed by all of these things. Lots of stuff going on.

Anyway, sorry it's been a rough day.

 

[Peanut]

Janet, thanks very much. I'm feeling better now but still exhausted from all the stress. I'm really glad I asked about the medication because it could have really spelled disaster for me since I start a new term at school tomorrow and a new job. I probably would have been a complete wreck!

Thank goodness for this forum--it is really a life saver!

 

[Lost]

I think what my therapist said to me is probably true for a lot of people:

that when you're trying to work through issues to really resolve them, at times it can seem like they're getting worse.
Our first session, she'd told me that before I could start feeling happy, I will first have to feel sad.

and maybe this new awareness Toeless, (of maybe a combination of taking things more seriously perhaps, the weight, your grandmother - and I'm sorry about that btw) - maybe these things have upset you, as they would upset anyone. And only because you've gone through this new awareness, and added anxiety, will you be able to take the next step in moving in the right direction...

It's really happened for me. Almost every session that I come back from with my therapist, I'm feeling more anxious, and I really binge on the food. Yet, quite amazingly, in the long term, I can REALLY see a huge improvement - so it's clearly helping!

I hope you'll be ok with the extra anxiety, and I really hope that it can help to push you in the right direction...

Thinking of you... and let me know what's the latest!

Can I just end with saying, that it might help you to realise that it's really really REALLY ok for you not to be feeling good. EVERYBODY has ups and downs in life. Even regular people without EDs, and other issues, feel anxious and unhappy at times. Please let yourself be unhappy, if that's how you feel... And don't feel like you have to sound happy just for us - or for anyone!

<hugs to you!>

 

[Peanut]

Thank you Lost for your sound advice. Hopefully that is the case-that you have to feel worse before you can feel better. I am certainly finding that I feel worse knowing that I have all these things to deal with. Oh well. I have been making an effort to eat more though and I think it is starting to really help, I was getting kind of shaky for awhile but now that I'm eating regularly I am not shaky...so maybe that's a sign that not only is my nutrition better, but that hopefully better nutrition will help the anxiety (which is what I thought was causing the shakiness). And of course the exercise is still a great thing for me. I still feel a little blah today though but I am doing pretty good. Hopefully on the road to recovery!
Thanks for your help!