Body image issue

[Eunoia]

I'm sorry, I'm really weird and I know I'm too old for this kind of thing (24)

you're not weird and there's no such thing as "too old"- a lot of people believe that ed's are a way for teenage girls to get attention, be popular etc but that's just the "popularized" idea of what an ed is... its onset is often in adolescence, hence why it's noticable then and many people do get help and recover but by no means does that mean that it's an age-immune disease- in fact, I clearly remember a study that was one of the 1st ones to show that a great majority of people w/ ed's (I think it focused on anorexia) were in the elderly population- however, it may manifest itself differently in that age group. anyways, point is, it's not about being immature for those who truly do have a problem... hence why the connotation of "too old" for this just doesn't work...

I just know that I have no appetite (even when my body seems hungry) and no longer like to eat, and after I eat I do not like the feeling.

I have felt this way since so long and I swear no one else gets that point- how your body can feel hungry but you just have no appetite... or very rarely. but I think some of that can also be a result of being depressed. it's definitelty one of the signs of depression (loss of appetite or increase even). you're not making a big deal out of nothing, if it's important enough for you to think about then it's not making a big deal out of nothing... and maybe posting on here gives you a chance to see things from a different angle or get some diff. perspectives on it.. also, things related to food are definitely very noticable, outward signs as you said- even w/ ed's, the restricting/binging/purging/exercising etc are only symptoms of something else. but they're the most notcable. please don't feel stupid, you have nothing to feel stupid about.

I think a lot of people worry about body image and how they look, how much they weigh etc but only to a certain extent- and some people really don't worry about this. I think it's "common" in that your worries and concerns are completely justified and that you're not alone in this by any means, but also remember that in the general population the % of people w/ an actual problem (say an ed) is small, but very many more will have certain beliefs about body image, diet, exercise etc but not to the extent where it is unhealthy or interferes w/ their life.

why don't you ask your therapist what he's thinking? that seems to be the most straightforward way to get an answer to your question. also, you may have said this b/f somewhere, but how did you lose all your weight? the reason why I'm asking is b/c I think it makes a difference whether you lost it in a healthy way (proper/ balanced nutrition combined w/ moderate amounts of exercise) or some other way... I don't know why you don't have an appetite, but as I said before there could be several reasons for that... def. something to discuss w/ your doctor though hun. also, there is some post(reply) of mine floating around about increasing appetite.... I think... maybe on the diet board? or this one? it has some good suggestions to make food more appealing.

found it: Psychlinks Psychology and Mental Health Support Forum

 

[Peanut]

Thank you very much for your response.? I will definitely check out that link and hopefully implement some of the ideas there.? I've been thinking about it and I don't think I have an ED so much as an obsessive need for perfection, so maybe that is what I need to deal with.

As far as asking my therapist I have sort of tried to ask him...when he says "What do you think about your weight?" I say "What do you think about it?" and then to that he responds, "I want to know what you think"...so that is kind of how that goes!?

And to answer your other question I lost the weight by cutting my calories and fat intake along with running, circuit weight training and yoga.?

I'm glad I lost the weight I just can't seem to stop wanting to...it's like a diet gone really awry!

 

[Eunoia]

I guess the reason why he turns the question back to you is b/c in the end, no matter what he thinks, what really matters is what you think about your weight- whether you're happy w/ it, what it means to you, how important it is to you, that kind of thing... he could say that he thinks your weight is fine, then what? would you still want to lose weight? my guess is yes, b/c you said yourself that "intellectually" you know that you don't need to lose any more weight. but it's the fear maybe of what he or others might think that's scarry?? think of it in different terms, if someone has a drinking problem and s/he doesn't think they have a problem then that's very different from someone who has a drinking problem but is willing to admit it and is therefore at a completely different stage in recovery. also, often there is some kind of "subjective distress" component in disorders... eating disorders are diagnosed w/ certain criteria but one, there's also ED-NOS, and two, many people have some kind of "dietary obessesion" or obession w/ their body or weight but not to the point or extreme where they would qualify for an ED. if you have an obessive need for perfection it makes sense how your body shape could have taken on that role as well... maybe you could tell him what you expect him to say in response to your question and what you want him to say... and along the same lines, how you're confused about what you think about your weight b/c your feelings don't match w/ what you know is "real"- maybe by talking about your fears or worries it'll help you get some answers even if he- or you- won't answer the question directly...

 

[Peanut]

Thank you for the sound advice. You have some good ideas about this. Leading up to the sessions I do want to talk about it because I think part of me thinks that after I talk to him I'll be able to eat again and that I'll get to stop starving. I guess one thing that is really bothering me the most is that I've been physically shaky lately and I keep wondering if it's because I quit working out and am so thin...it's probably just anxiety though. I quit working out (not very long ago) because you have to eat so much more for energy, and to burn off all those cals from the food you ate you have to work out a lot. I have learned that it is just easier to not work out and not eat the cals in the first place. Pretty distorted thinking, I know.

It's really weird but this is the hardest thing for me to talk about of all the things. I feel like it looks like I'm making it up and if I get thin enough someone will believe me.

And anyway, I went back and read the original post from this thread and I realized that I have wandered so far away from the main topic that I can't even see it from here! So sorry about that :red:

 

[Lost]

Toeless - I'm wondering why you don't want to talk about it with your therapist. Could it be because he's a male...?

I feel much freeer and more able to talk about personal things with my therapist who's a woman, and I couldn't imagine being able to talk them over in the same way if she was a man...

 

[Peanut]

Hmm...I don't think it's that. He's a pretty sensitive male. I actually purposely got a male therapist too because I thought it would be more interesting. I already know how women think...I wanted a man to spice up my insights!

I think it is hard because I feel like I'm making it up and also I do not want anyone to know that I care that much about my appearance. I try to go for that "effortless" look...you know, the 'I just look that way naturally and I don't have to try'. I know...I sound like the sickest person in the world. I feel so vain. At least, in my defense, I am like this in other ways besides appearance...that is not the only thing I care about!

It's kind of bad because, I sort of feel different from (I think it was) Janet, who said that she was glad people can't see her on here. It is harder for me that way. I feel more critical of what I write and I feel like things that I might say that would fly in person would fall totally flat here. It is hard not to be able to fall back on how you look and present yourself. It is hard for me anyway. I know I know, I sound horrible.

My therapist has established that he thinks I have low self confidence, but then what? What do you do about it?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You don't sound horrible at all, Toeless.

It's rather like how individuals process information: Some do it visually, some more aurally. In the same way, I think we all have different things we rely on in communication, or different commuinication styles. Some people use a lot of hand gestures and body language and look for the same in others to get feedback. Others pay more attention to verbal than nonverbal cues because they may find nonverbal cues more ambiguous or confusing. It's a matter of personal style and preference, as well as how we process information, I think.

 

[Cat Dancer]

You make sense and you don't sound horrible. We all have different ways of communicating and different things we're comfortable with and that's all ok.

And you don't sound sick or vain or any of those things. I think it is normal to care about those things. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[Peanut]

Thank you guys very much. I feel a little less vain now.

Some people use a lot of hand gestures and body language and look for the same in others to get feedback

Yes! I use facial expression a lot and that is exactly what I go by with other people too. This way, you can detect the level of interest, agreement, and how the other person feels about the conversation in general. When I go see my therapist, I get 50% of my information from him by watching his face. Then, I go home, I imitate those faces in the mirror and then I feel like I know how he took what I said and what he thinks about it! Like when I tell him something shocking, he always looks down at his notes, writes something and raises his eyebrows. When he feels sympathetic toward me, he looks right at me, tilts his head down just a little bit, raises his eye brows and does this closed lip smile with the bottom lip out a litte bit. But my favorite thing is when he laughs really hard. The other day he laughed so hard he leaned over forward heaving with laughter. I actually like him a lot because he has a lot of facial expression.

Back to the forum, one thing I find difficult is actively listening on this forum. Normally I would be looking at someone, making eye contact, nodding my head, saying "yea" or something along those lines...here, it's hard to know when to post if you are listening and vice versa. Also if someone posts and people are *listening* but nobody writes anything that feels really weird.

Now I think I agree with you Dr. B. When I think about it, I don't like online classes nearly as much as real life classes. I think it is much harder to learn online because you don't get the interaction that a regular class gives. That fits a lot with what you were saying.

Good thing we have those smiley faces to convey mood...I find that they help quite a bit.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Actually, that's partly why I decided to add them back in when I transferred to the new forum software.

I'm usually fine in online forums. But I have always had that problem with telephone conversations - there one is expected to react to the conversation pretty much immediately but without the facial expressions and other nonverbals I often want to think about what was just said and how to respond...

 

[Eunoia]

I have learned that it is just easier to not work out and not eat the cals in the first place

yes, that seems to be "rational" thinking, but when you think about it, if you don't eat enough calories you're losing out on a lot of energy your body needs even just to maintain itself... you might be risking mineral/vitamin deficiencies, you might be more prone to being tired, slowing your immune system down... that sort of thing. and even if you don't have an appetite, generally, it's not the easiest thing to keep your calories down to a minimum- your body will be craving food, social occasions will come up revolving around food... etc.

I feel like it looks like I'm making it up and if I get thin enough someone will believe me

I know what you mean. you feel like you have to justify it and the only "obvious" way to show someone you're struggling or in pain is by, well, obvious means... but I think your therapist is one person at least who doesn't need "proof" that you're struggling.

and you're not vain at all. a lot of people care about how they look, it's not a crime.? ? what is sad, is if it interferes w/ our ability to feel good about ourselves or defines who we are in its entirety... you know, reading the nonverbal cues you have noticed in your therapist, kind of makes me wonder why I haven't noticed any of those... I think the one nonverbal sign I am very aware of is crossing legs and arms.. and I tend to both in therapy so I almost have to force myself to let go sometimes, b/d I know it gives off that look of "don't come near me" which isn't nec. what I'm thinking... I think? anyhow, you're def. not vain, you even notice all of those nonverbal cues!!!!

 

[Peanut]

I think the one nonverbal sign I am very aware of is crossing legs and arms.. and I tend to both in therapy so I almost have to force myself to let go sometimes

Do you mean you or your therapist? I always sit like that in therapy, at least with my legs crossed. Actually now that you say you don't see the nonverbal cues as much with your therapist, maybe mine uses them an especially lot. He's always asking me things like "Do you twirl your hair when you get nervous?" and so then I have to FORCE my hand down (and to recross it). Then he brings up my fidgeting, etc. There's actually a fair amount of silent moments in the sessions where it's totally non-verbal communication. Sometimes it starts to get to intense and I just look out the window to avoid any kind of culpability or commitment to his suggestions.

It's weird, I sort of want help with this eating thing but still whenever I go in to see him I make sure I'm wearing certain clothes that cover me up more so that I'm not throwing my thinness in his face. Actually, I've been wearing more covering clothes in general too to cover the skinniness. Now I know summer is coming and time to get back into beach shape...if only I could stop competing with the numbers on the scale. That is the part that keeps setting me back.

I'm usually fine in online forums. But I have always had that problem with telephone conversations - there one is expected to react to the conversation pretty much immediately but without the facial expressions and other nonverbals I often want to think about what was just said and how to respond...

I agree...phones conversations are so draining. When there is any kind of silence on the phone it becomes immediately awkward. I prefer emailing as opposed the phone, because, like you said, it gives you a chance to organize your thoughts, communicate them more clearly and concisely. I usually totally dig emailing...but I think another issue here in this forum is that there is an element of *public speaking* and the permenancy of posting and having it stuck up there forever for the next 20.000 people to read. Then you're trying to communicate the mood or content of your post, hoping that it will not be miscontrued by any one out of the 1000 people that read it, let alone the people that are actually responding to you. It can get nerve wracking.

As I've said all these feelings about posting and stuff...this is my first forum or online group or anything. I used to use the computer just for research and emailing friends, so a lot of this is really new to me. Well I guess I've been here for awhile but it still seems kind of new.

 

[Eunoia]

sorry, I wasn't very clear on that. I meant I sit like that. the one feedback I have gotten from my therapist which makes it difficult to get through a session is that I smile in response to things... which makes me feel like an idiot who walks around beaming no matter what- which is not true at all- I think though, that I have learned that it reassures myself that everything is fine and it makes other people think so too... and it breaks the ice so to say. only problem is when I do this when I'm actually really upset in that moment, b/c then I'm not really validating that emotion at all... ahhh, I never thought emotions were this difficult. I totally agree thoguh, nonverbal cues can say a lot... and I do that too, looking at a particular object in the room b/c I can't stand long silences or pauses where I'm forced to just sit there and look her into the eyes- I wonder why that makes me so uncomfortable. speaking of something you said before, you have no reason to feel vain, I already said that... I think if anything, I feel like I'm being overly concerned w/ that as well, where I want to appear a certain way but in order to look that way it is sooo much effort and I will make sure that I won't wear certain things when I go, and long, somewhat looser things are preferred.... I don't think it's about being vain, more so than about being uncomfortable w/ the situation or ourselves. ?? I think?

the permenancy of posting and having it stuck up there forever for the next 20.000 people to read. Then you're trying to communicate the mood or content of your post, hoping that it will not be miscontrued by any one out of the 1000 people that read it, let alone the people that are actually responding to you. It can get nerve wracking.

if you put it that way, OUCH!!! try not to think about it, as easy as that sounds, if not you will drive yourself crazy. if someone has something to say they can post it and if not I take it that they have nothing to say... and if they do, there's always a chance to "work things out". consider it more like that communit you described in your other post... the one about the friendly people etc...

 

[Lost]

LOL!!!
I laughed when reading your last post Toeless. We have a lot in common!

<He's always asking me things like "Do you twirl your hair when you get nervous?" and so then I have to FORCE my hand down (and to recross it). Then he brings up my fidgeting, etc. There's actually a fair amount of silent moments in the sessions where it's totally non-verbal communication. Sometimes it starts to get to intense and I just look out the window to avoid any kind of culpability or commitment to his suggestions. >

I get that loads too! When my therapist gets too intense for me, I stare at the carpet, the wall, anything but her...!
When I first walk in, she always just LOOKS at me, with this half understanding, half bemused expression on her face... and she always waits for me to start. So sometimes I offer a feeble "How are you?"... like she's really gonna tell me anything about herself...! But I try to make it normal... Other times thing's will have just happened, and I'll be so angry, or upset that I'll just launch into it without a problem...
And I also twirl my hair! I do it when I'm thinking, when I'm spaced out, and when I'm nervous!

About the 20, 000 - well, it may not be QUITE as many people, and even so, we're ANONYMOUS!!! And, just in case, you've always got the editing option too!

And I also feel vain and awful for caring so much about my looks etc, but I try to tell myself it's how we women are. We're meant to take pride in our appearance, and we're meant to look after ourselves.

Toeless - one big difference between us, is where I have to eat and eat and eat to fill the void, and take away the pain, you control it more by doing the opposite and not eating enough. Thank god I was blessed with a fast metabolism so I can get away with eating like a pig, but the older I grow the harder it gets.

And I also find myself laughing or smiling when really I want to cry and scream. It just comes naturally to me to do the opposite of what I'm feeling. There always seems to be SOMETHING within the tragedy that I find amusing. One small thing to laugh at. Although it's bad coz it confuses me as well as my therapist when trying to work out whats going on inside me... I suppose at least the good thing is that we smile, and we laugh.

And I also go for the "it's easy, it all comes naturally" look. Altho I have been blessed that some things really are easy and natural, far too many other things are really not. And I suffer because I can't commit towards simple regular hard work.
And I'm slowly learning that saying "it was a lot of hard work" doesn't reflect badly on me. In fact, when I hear other people say it, I respect them for it. When someone sets themself a goal, and then WORKS towards it, it's something to be admired!

There's a colleague of mine whom I just getting to know. She's so REAL it's unbelievable. I am so jealous of her. She's just straighforward and ... real. When I'm feeling totally overloaded and overwhelmed and someone asks me how I am, I smile, force myself to appear calm and collected, and then lie through my teeth, "oh, I'm fine! Yeah, everything's good!"
And when you ask this colleague how she is, and she's having a tough day, she'll sigh, and say, "It's tough. I'm finding it hard doing ..... and .....". like, just like that! She'll be completely honest and open.

The first thing she taught me was that it's ok not to appear happy and fine the whole time. And more than that, I worry that if I tell people what's really going on, they'll pity me, and look down on me... which for me is the WORST THING! Yet, when this colleague gives me an honest answer, I don't pity her or look down on her. and others also react in the same way. instead people feel that they can connect with her. She's a real human being. I know she's still very talented, smart etc... It doesn't make me think any less of her. So i'm trying to copy her and be more real too...

Anyone blessed with an 'open nature' has so much to be thankful for.

On top of whatever pressures I'm enduring, I also have to maintain the false facade. Whereas if I were open, I'd just have to worry about the pressures. And they'd probably be alleviated somewhat through my talking about them openly too ... !

 

[Peanut]

Hey Lost--we meet again ? It does sound like we have loads in common!? If we got together we'd probably be twirling our hair in unison and staring out the window feeling all vain!?

So sometimes I offer a feeble "How are you?"... like she's really gonna tell me anything about herself...!? But I try to make it normal..

LOL- I do the SAME thing!!!? It's so weird.? We'll be walking in and nobody will say anything so I always ask "How are you doing" he says "good thanks, how are you?" and I say "Good, thanks"....It is pretty funny.? Then he asks what I want to talk about and I always say that I don't know!? ?Actually in my last session he mentioned that I seemed uncomfortable talkinga bout myself, and I told him that, in person, I do usually ask people questions about themselves in order to keep the conversation off of me somewhat.? I told him that I knew asking about him would be inapropriate in this situation....but then...he told me that we COULD talk about him and that I could ask him anything I wanted to...and they he stood up and said that we were out of time!!? I guess actions speak louder than words!!

I also totally agree about how asiniine it is to go through the "how are you' "good, how are you" type of thing.? Awhile ago I decided I was no longer going to take part in that sort of small talk since it was so pointless.? I mean, half the time people don't even wait for an answer, they'll just say it as they walk by.? So now, except with my therapist whom I always tell I'm doing good, I usually answer on a rating system, I say good, ok, not very good, or I'm tired, busy, in a hurry, etc.?

And I suffer because I can't commit towards simple regular hard work.?

What do you mean Lost?? You have a problem commiting to hard work or admitting that it was hard?

But the looking out the window thing...I wonder if a lot of people do that.? I mean, it works like a charm to escape all the tension in the room...and all the eye contact ? Meeting the therapist's gaze feels like admitting something!? At least that's what it feels like.? Or else it feels like you are commiting to do something...staring out the window is like saying "there is no way I'm going to do that so we can just move on"...

Anyway, thanks for writing that...I was laughing when I read your post!? It sounds like we might be long lost hair twirling twins!?


Eunoia--

the one feedback I have gotten from my therapist which makes it difficult to get through a session is that I smile in response to things... which makes me feel like an idiot who walks around beaming no matter what-

LOL--The way you said the last part was too funny!!? I love to smile and always do it too in therapy!? ?Last time my thereapist goes "You're smiling" and I said sorry, and he said "No, it's fine...it just very telling that you already know what I'm saying to you".? And then the first psychiatrist called me "glib" because of all the smiling!? I just can't help it...and the more you try not to smile the funnier it gets!? It's a vicious cycle!?

In fact in one moment last session I burst out laughing after he asked me if I had friends growing up (I did).? I just couldn't believed he'd ask me that...you'd like to think that he could tell...I have a lot of problems but not having friends is not one of them!? He kept asking me, why are you laughing?? Of course, I told a couple of friends that he asked me that and they started laughing too...so I know it's not just me!?The whole thing just really made me call into question my social skills!? ?I've just decided that if he does let me ask him questions about himself like he said he would, my first question to him will be "Did you have any friends growing up?" and then he can see how that question feels!

 

[Eunoia]

I also totally agree about how asiniine it is to go through the "how are you' "good, how are you" type of thing. Awhile ago I decided I was no longer going to take part in that sort of small talk since it was so pointless. I mean, half the time people don't even wait for an answer, they'll just say it as they walk by.

this is something that bugs me tremendously... people asking how you are and expecting the typical "yes, I'm fine thank you" or "good, how are you?" response... and if you even dare to say anything besides those words, there's this akward silence as in "too much information"... well, w/ some people at least. I guess you have to pick & choose who you will give the standard response and how gets to hear what's really on your mind... I said somethign along the same lines as you to the first counselor I saw and he started writing that down b/c he thought it was quite amazing that I was so frustrated w/ people asking & then not really wanting to hear an honest answer. but personally, I think a lot of people would agree w/ us...

good to know that both of you smile a lot too. and maybe it is also b/c you kind of know what the other person is going to say so you smile "knowingly".... definitely something to consider. I think what was confusing wasn't that I was smiling per say but that I was smiling during those akward "what now" moments after you just unconcvered or discovered some really painful experience/feeling- and all I can think to do is sit there and smile. not in a way where I think it's the greatest thing in the world to be sitting there, but b/c really, what else is there to do? I don't know, I can't picture myself crying there but that's b/c I hardly cry in front of people besides maybe my friends... but it would be SO much easier to be able to just show- or say- what you're actually feeling!

The first thing she taught me was that it's ok not to appear happy and fine the whole time. And more than that, I worry that if I tell people what's really going on, they'll pity me, and look down on me... which for me is the WORST THING! Yet, when this colleague gives me an honest answer, I don't pity her or look down on her. and others also react in the same way. instead people feel that they can connect with her... I know she's still very talented, smart etc... It doesn't make me think any less of her.

isn't it weird how we know that what we fear isn't very realistic b/c we wouldn't do that to other people (ie. pity them or look down on them if they're being honest) and yet it's such a difficult thing to make yourself do? she sounds like a great person to be around...

 

[Peanut]

I was smiling during those akward "what now" moments after you just unconcvered or discovered some really painful experience/feeling- and all I can think to do is sit there and smile

Yes, I smille at those times, and also smile to prevent those awkward moments from even coming up! It's hard to stop smiling...a lot harder than you'd think!!

 

[Lost]

Hi Eunoia. Sorry I was too lazy to look up the exact spelling of your name before.

About the smiling thing - that's exactly what I do. I smile and laugh automatically when really if I was going by my innermost emotions, I'd be sobbing hysterically.
I HATE crying. I especially hate crying in front of other people. And I haven't yet cried in front of my therapist, altho it's been hard to control it often. I feel that if I just let myself cry in front of her that it would be really good for me, but I just can't do it. I don't know what's holding me back. Pride...? A strong dislike of snivelling...? Letting go...?

Anway, I think you, me and Toeless should be triplets! Smiling-when-we-want-to-cry, looking-out-the-window, hair-twirling triplets!
Hang on, are you a hair-twirler too Eunoia?
Hmmmmm, whether you qualify or not will hinge on the crucial hair-twirling issue...! Please get back to us on this critical topic as matter of immediate emergency...!

;o)

(Sorry - in a crazy mood!)

 

[Eunoia]

I think you, me and Toeless should be triplets!? Smiling-when-we-want-to-cry, looking-out-the-window, hair-twirling triplets!?
Hang on, are you a hair-twirler too Eunoia??
Hmmmmm, whether you qualify or not will hinge on the crucial hair-twirling issue...!? Please get back to us on this critical topic as matter of immediate emergency...!

try telling my profs that my essays had to wait b/c of this "critical topic as a matter of immediate emergency". lol. I've always played w/ my hair, in fact, now that I'm so conscious of the whole smiling thing I was trying to do different things, and one of them was holding my hair back like I was putting on an elastic and while I was doing it I was thinking "what am I doing?"... another thing though I do a lot though is to play w/ my rings... I remember one time I was fidegeting so much that it fell down (this was a couple of years back in h/s and I felt really stupid b/c it was so obvious)... I guess everyone does this to a certain extent- being distracted w/ something.

you know what I find sometimes? that I have these "mental images" of what I feel like doing, such as crying hysterically or screaming at the top of my lungs or doing something self-destructive etc and yet, most of the time, I appear completely calm and "with it" b/c I know there is no way in hell I can do those things... I wish I could. I think it would let a lot of frusration out, and pain, and just I don't know- something other than keeping it all in. did you guys ever see that movie on the Stepford wives (sp?)? how they act like perfect good wives- like robots? well, that's what this feels like a lot of the time. and it's exhausting! putting on a smile, dressing the part, talking the part, acting the part... and it really doesn't sound genuine at all, but that's the last thing I want to be- to be considered someone who isn't genuine. I think I am w/ others but not when it comes to myself... if that makes any sense.

 

[Lost]

Toeless, sorry I didn't answer your last post to me earlier! It did make me laugh!

Yeah, the 'how are you's' do seem pointless... but sometimes I understand that people want to be friendly, yet they don't really have time, and if they just say 'hi' you might think they're being rude... so they show that they're friendly and add a 'how are you' although they don't have time just then to really cope with a long answer...
hope that made sense!

Saying how are you to a therapist though is totally different... My therapist is very ...calculated, and very rarely talks about herself... So me saying 'how are you' to her is almost like me going over the boundary... I'm paying HER to discuss ME, and she makes it clear by not really ever talking about herself.

About my hard work comment, it's both actually - I frequently jeopardise the things I do by leaving them to the last minute, not making a proper time and space to sit and work, but pushing it off the whole time... then panicking because there's so much to get through in such little time. I do that in my work life, and home life. That's my commiting problem. I end up either getting through with loads of added stress, or I don't 'get through' and I have to accept a lesser result. Then there's also the admitting problem which I talked about...

And btw, on a much more serious note, I didn't really have any friends growing up - seriously. I had 'fake friends', and I was regarded as a popular girl, but in truth I had no real friends out of school. And of course it affected me.

Maybe if I knew who you were in real life I'd be embarrassed to tell you that... maybe not... I dunno.