Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

[wheelchairdemon]

David, one would like to believe this, but read this opening paragraph from a psychologist my parents hired before I'd had a chance to see him. This was done in 1997 - after I finally broke free of the psychiatrists and the psych system.

As I said to Lou during our lengthy conversation Wednesday evening last, I have read the material you provided me with in connection with Louise a number of times. I have formed some ideas about what is likely to be the most appropriate diagnosis of her psychological condition and formed some hypotheses about what might be the reasons for her present (and past) physical problems. I must qualify anything I say by indicating that as I have not had one-to-one contact with Louise my judgements are based purely on the information I have reviewed and discussion with both of you. However, I do feel relatively confident, given Louise's correspondence and your reports of her behaviour over the years, that the tentative conclusions I have reached are appropriate.

The testing was then done. The results came back giving results that weren't what he expected. Here's one quote:

In terms of personality functioning it is usual to find that someone who scores in the range noted for Louise has a quite well developed sense of self-identity and tends to not be overly suggestible, tending to develop her own attitudes and values and not being easily influenced by peers or authority figures. When experiencing mental health problems the moderately field independent individual tends to develop defence mechanisms which are designed to preserve the client's sense of separate identity. It is somewhat unusual to note excessive dependency problems in a field independent individuals but rather more likely that apparent dependency may well be a manipulative strategy of which even the client may be unaware. It is possible also that Louise may be one of a small minority of individuals who manifest mobility with respect to field independence/field dependence and use one or other strategy in some situations and the alternative in other situations.....

And concluded with:

In the opinion of the writer based on the information provided, the data from the tests employed in this assessment, and on subjective impressions of the client during limited contacts with her, it would appear that the client is exhibiting symptoms consistent with the presence of a schizoid personality disorder and also a borderline personality disorder. There are also strong indicators of the presence of a possible addiction problem with respect to licit drugs, and strong indications of the presence of Hypochondriasis. It would be the impression of the writer that the depressive symptoms reported probably reflect extreme learned helplessness in the Seligman sense rather than biological depression and also reflect the presence of a personality disorder of either of the types mentioned in this paragraph.

I knew none of this until just recently. I was given several of the tests to do on my own at home by this psychologist and I had very few interviews with him. He wrote his final report and then, unfortunately had a heart attack and died. This means I can’t contact him again to set the record straight.

His final report more or less ignored the truth and it fed into my parent's hands. What’s even more disturbing is what he said in the opening paragraph. Here is the quote:

This psychological report is based upon interview and testing data. Because of the technical and sensitive nature of the contents of the report the psychologist should be contacted before releasing any part of the report to the client - or a close relative. Some material may be potentially harmful if disclosed to the client. If requested, the writer will provide a summary report in lay language which may be conveyed to the client.

The only reason I have the file is that my Dad goofed. He handed me a folder with letters that I wrote when over the years while in hospital and what they wrote back to me, and this file happened to be stuck in among them.

Most of the problems I had vanished when my Mom died in 1999 but there are times when Dad or my brother will get on their high horse, exercise their authority as legal professionals, and then write things like this. This was written in 2004 and I knew nothing about it.

The writer has just arrived home after a couple of weeks in the Yukon. Unfortunately I found my daughter in very dire straights - to put it mildly - My problem is where do we go from here?

As you are the medical practitioner and expert we must take our lead from you. My son who is a staff sergeant with the O.P.P. and with many years of practice experience, and I with my limited experience around the courts, are convinced that Louise is a drug addict, addicted most likely to morphine. Do you agree or disagree, are we right or wrong? We need your expert opinion as to diagnosis, and then how to channel the necessary resources to deal with the problem.

Would you be willing to convene a conference at your earliest convenience, inviting all the persons and or agencies which you deem necessary - many who are already involved, so a plan of attack can be formulated and put in place? - with hopefully positive results.

My son and I would like to be present and Louise must provide the necessary releases covering all concerned. This should not be a problem.

The crisis was severe pain caused by a herniated disk in my neck; something I couldn’t get proper treatment for (and still can’t) because of my past mental health history. I am supposedly diagnosed as having a conversion/somatization disorder now. I only know this because I got a new family doctor who read my old files, saw this, and told me. She's still trying to help me get the record set straight.

The letter from Dad led to the meeting being convened and I was then blacklisted for abusing medications even though, at the time, I was no longer taking morphine. I had successfully fought my way off of all the prescription drugs, including morphine, a few years before with the help of a wonderful family doctor who unfortunately moved away.

Two years prior to this though, a psychiatrist had written this about me. The year was 2002 and it came about after a meeting that was basically forced on me by the psychiatrist and had Dad sitting in her office:

As you know, [Louise's] father is a judge and she acknowledges that she began to act out in her teens. Her two brothers are well accomplished and she does have some remorse about her past suicidal behaviour which led to her having to discontinue educational opportunities.

Yeah, I acknowledged the guilt – I didn’t feel I had a choice. Dad was in the room and the psychiatrist was insisting I must.

So, now to share details that will highlight the truth about why I failed at those educational opportunities that the psychiatrist was referring to.

This is an excerpt from a letter that was written in 1974, when I was just 14 years old, by the principal of the boarding school I was attending and was finally starting to develop and grow at:

Just before Louise left school she asked me to write to you about the possibility of her coming back to B.S.S. (a boarding school in Toronto that cost a lot of money to send me to)....

However, Louise is a very immature girl. She realizes this and wants very desperately to grow up. She is learning to fight her battles here at B.S.S. and seems to be a very fine girl who no longer runs to somebody else, but fights her own battles. I am very worried about her going off to a high school where I think she will be teased to death. I really feel that she will have a terrible time. I do believe also that her mother will not allow her to grow up and she is going to be in for many problems.

I am writing this letter to you at the office because I don't want the letter to go home.... Louise came over to see me and asked me to write this letter to you with the idea of having her come back. She is certain in her own mind that this is the best place for her and I really do feel that she is going to be out of her depth in a secondary school for another couple of years until she finally manages to grow up.

I am also concerned about her being with her mother all the time because unfortunately her mother, who is so very precise and does everything so well, will be asking Louise to act the same way and Louise then will not really become a person in her own right. Her mother will direct her far too much. I am sure that you are aware of this and aware of the difficulties.

Sadly, the principal didn't realize my Dad was in on this narcissism as well. Here's the proof:

We have decided to keep Louise in Peterborough this year, as we feel you have done so much for her at B.S.S. that she is now brought up and ready to face the change of environment through High School system here in Peterborough. We hope we are right.

This decision was based on a couple of factors, one being that Louise although she enjoyed, B.S.S. very very much was feeling somewhat rejected at not being home more often and secondly my youngest son who is twelve years old was somewhat jealous of her going away to school and I am afraid did what he could to make life miserable for her when she was at home. This seemed to mean when Louise was at home she was getting the feeling that she was being rejected at home. It is our feeling (I hope rightly) that B.S.S. had carried the ball long enough and that it was our turn to take over from here.

And finally, the observations of a psychiatrist in 1979 (when I was just 19 yeasrs old) about my family and the effect they were having on me. His advice was to get me away from the family and no longer talk to them. For two years the advice of this doctor was listened to. Then I got another doctor, my parents kept asking questions and providing them information about me, and the rest is history... a life wasted (in some ways and not others) due to narcissism.

It would be interesting perhaps to speculate upon the-significance of the withdrawal of this girl from Bishop Strachan in 1974. The chronological significance, of course, is perfectly clear, for within a year she is into the psychological regression with symptoms that has developed into the present mental state. This could have been confidently expected, of course, for as one looks at the family history it is clear that the men are strong - socially outgoing, athletic, successful ambitious, with widespread interests and friends and good health - whereas the women are weak - passive, dependent, physically sick, prone to depressive reactions, insecure and socially awkward, lacking self confidence. Just as the men identify with each other in succeeding generations in patterns of health and stability, the women identify with each other, even to the level of a striking parallel in life events with patterns of sickness and social disability.

The reason I say the life is not wasted entirely is because I have learned to become very insightful, very independent, very caring, very positive, very motivational, and I lead a mentally balanced life to the best of my ability.

Some of the balance is skewed by the physical disability that put me in a wheelchair (because of neurological damage caused by the psych medications), and I've been forced onto social assistance because I can't get a job, but I still find ways to achieve that balance.

What bugs me is the actions of my family, who all earn over 6 figure incomes and enjoy the "good life" (I'm not convinced it's all that good - they're hooked on status and consuming), while my strengths continue to be ignored (due to things still said by my family) and I barely have enough income to survive on.

So now to the final question - what the heck do you do with this? Sue? If so, who? The psychologists were in on it, many psychiatrists were in on it, and my family are professionals. I can't get a lawyer, at least to fight the medical profession, so I feel like I'm in one big huge trap. I've been fully dismissed by the health care system (other than a family doctor) because of all these medical reports that are still readily available with the advent of the e-health record sharing system. See this quote written in 1998 by the family doctor whom I credit with finally getting me off all the psych drugs and morphine:

Most physicians have dismissed her pain as "psychosomatic", or worse, have labelled her as a "professional patient". My contention is that her pain is indeed real and that it is either psychogenic or the result of a physical problem that we are unable to detect (and therefore unlikely to be able to treat).

We finally figured out that the prescribed medications were causing the bone pain (which has now gone away) and the movement disorder (which still remains). In 2004 I was told with an intensive rehabilitation program I might be able to walk again, but this history and the opinions of the doctors (which my GP was so candid about admitting) has resulted in a refusal to accept me into rehab.

And the other truth about attitudes within the medical profession that has not helped one bit:

Psychotherapy has not been an easy task. We are short of psychiatrists who are able to take on patients like Louise - psychiatrists who have wheelchair access, whose appointments are covered by OHIP and who have expertise in psychogenic pain, if indeed that is her problem. Many psychiatrists feel that a diagnosis of personality disorder is not treatable.

The medical records from my current family doctor cannot be entered into e-health yet because of the nature of her clinic and the rules of the LHIN's (local health integrated networks), so that makes it even harder to bury the very inaccurate past that has resulted in a dismissal by the health care system.

For now, my family doctor has given me this letter and I carry it around with me everywhere. I'm very proud of all the accomplishments I've made considering....

[Louise] is a 52 year old woman who uses a wheelchair because of a movement disorder which has been diagnosed in the past as Tardive Dyskenesia. She was misdiagnosed with psychiatric illnesses throughout much of her life and was treated with many medications, one or several of which may have contributed to the movement disorder. In 2004 [Louise] had a detailed psychological assessment which did not show evidence of a psychiatric illness, and she has been functioning successfully off medication for years.

[Louise] has been frustrated by many, many barriers that she has had to contend with, both as a wheelchair user and as a person who had been previously incorrectly diagnosed with psychiatric illnesses. She is someone who is very motivated, despite previous and ongoing setbacks, to go forward with her life and to contribute. [Louise] is usually able to maintain a positive attitude despite the fact that she continues to find that physical, environmental and social obstacles are continually placed in her way.

I want to know why, when doctors see the extent of the problem, they can't report it to their professional body and help to get the record set straight. The best she could do was write a letter for me to give to a lawyer when I follow her advice and go looking for one I could hire. I've gone everywhere with that letter, but no one will take the case on.

One final thing I have, and won't bother to quote here, are tons of medical records stating that my parents took me into the hospital, told them I was suicidal, and had me certified. I don't remember this. I was on too much medication and had too many ECT.

I'm still working with the people at Hospital Records and the Privacy and Information Office to correct all this mess, but it's been a real nightmare... one no one, but no one, should ever have to go through. Thankfully I'm mentally sound and emotionally strong.

Any and all tips welcome on how I might be able to fix all this and, ideally get enough income to live on so I can stop talking to my family at all. They give me the $500 per month that's allowed under ODSP rules and I need that. My transit costs over $2,500 per year (12 metro-passes in Toronto cost $800 less and 12 local bus passes for conventional transit only, costs $565 for people who are low income - they won't apply the subsidy to specialized transit), and I volunteer in Toronto. I've been closed out of most things in my community due to this past that I can't shake.

I'm purposefully leaving the name of the doctors and other professionals out. I'm not into finger pointing and blame. I just want to fix the problem, clear my name, and get on with my life. I have a lot of living to do yet, and sadly, I'm not very employable (unless someone decides it's high time they wrote some positive job references and stop saying they won't write things because they're afraid of being sued).... nonsense.

Hopefully, if nothing else, this very long post can be used to educate and teach others that there's still hope!!! We can never give up.

 

[wheelchairdemon]

Narcissistic Mothers' Characteristics
Sanctuary for the Abused
Wednesday, June 03, 2009

1. Everything she does is deniable.
There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to "help" you.

This post led me onto an amazing healing journey. After reading this and then reading through a combination of letters written by my mom to me and my doctors, my medical files, and a whole host of other things, I realized this could have been true for me too.

I googled the phrase narcissism and found a book which I subsequently bought. It's entitled Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Karyl McBride.

What an amazing book. It is set out as a self-help book, asks you questions, gives you a chance to write down the answers, and then goes on to describe how hard narcissism is to spot by outsiders, professionals, and most definitely the patient.

I strongly recommend this book to anyone who feels they might be a product of this kind of parent.

Now that I know how insidious narcissism can be, believe it or not, I don't blame the professionals. I don't even blame my parents. They couldn't see what they were doing.

The sad part is, it's very hard to see that there is a problem when the parents are high functioning and so are the siblings. In narcissism you are told all the things you do wrong; how you don't measure up, how you're the one at fault for your own demise etc, so I was convinced 100% that I was the one who was at fault for causing my problems. Not even the therapists taught me otherwise. When I self-blamed I was diagnosed in the early 80's by psychiatrists, one of whom landed in jail, and two more, who eventually lost their license to practice medicine, as having a borderline personality disorder.

That diagnosis just added to my belief that I was guilty for causing my own problems. How can you go to a therapist and state otherwise, when you don't know it yourself or worse, the professionals believe what your parents say about you even when you're an adult who is no longer living at home. You can't.

There are some professionals I do actually blame because sadly, on reading my medical files, I found some really serious problems, but for the most part it is clear that the source of the problem (my family) was very hard to see.

The good news is, in 2004 I did extensive psychological testing with a psychologist who had no contact with my family and no access to my old medical files, and she was able to rule out Borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. I've been off medication and away from the mental health system for years, but it makes me sad that I was in the system for 22 years and no one ever knew.

Now my goal is to share my story and educate.

There is hope.. remember that.