Chronic Suicidality ... Playing the long game ...

[Retired]

Nonny,

Please read http://forum.psychlinks.ca/abuse-do...incest-and-child-sexual-abuse.html#post230598 to see if it can help with any insights.

 

[MHealthJo]

Yes. The thing is if you are not a free adult, with your own secure income and a secure positive place of your own and your own network of supportive people with your best interests in mind, and everything like that, you are not in the same level of power as another adult. You are not in the same level of strength and free choice and options and things.

(Also, some family environments lead to adults or young people who have very little assertiveness and feel that they are not allowed to say no to others or say no to certain people.)

So unless you had the same level of power in that way, and you used some power you had to coerce, or you used physical strength to force, then you have not done this thing, and someone has told you lies because they are sticking up for the wrong person.

That happens sometimes. Sometimes mothers stick up for a man or an abuser or a person who has taken an advantage or used a bad judgment, instead of supporting their child. Even to the point of casting undeserved blame on a child, lying, believing lies, etc. Because some mothers don't really have it in them to be mothers and they have sicknesses that make them hold onto some man/stick up for some man no matter what, instead of having their child's best interests at heart.

It sounds like you might have been made to believe some really wrong things by people who have something wrong with them.

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

So confused .... We were five ... But. If ... We could have said no. For all those years ... We never said no ...

 

[MHealthJo]

Goodness gracious Nonny, you have been told very very wrong things by a person who should have put you as absolute #1 priority, but for whatever reason that does not always happen. I am so so sorry.

I hope you can take whatever little steps you can, to stop believing all kinds of things you've been told about yourself.

I'm really really sorry and thinking of you.....

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

Why say sorry ? Was what it was ... We wanted it. After we were locked in our room as a toddler than mother left us to feed etc for ourself, we wanted it, we needed it. But not for 17 years, that's why its selfish. That's why we are the predator. We were 23 before we left. That's a choice and cannot be blamed on anyone else ... We were an adult. We encouraged, we ... Can't do this anymore ...

 

[GDPR]

Nonny,I was sexually abused for the first 17 years of my life.I have been in therapy for 4 years and am just now truly starting to realize it wasn't my fault.I also felt like it was my own fault and it was my choice when I was older,but my therapist keeps telling me it was what I was taught to do,what I was programmed to do.

I understand the self blame,completely,but no matter what,it wasn't our fault.

 

[MHealthJo]

Please try to understand somehow Nonny that the situation you just told me, put you in EXACTLY the kind of abnormal, needy situation that would make a child vulnerable to misuse. I'm pretty sure the man knew that rather well. That could even be what got him interested in your mother. These men know how to find children that will be vulnerable. Sometimes they know signs to look for to find women who are likely to have a poor neglected child like you were.

How sad that your mother could not understand these things. Perhaps if she was more interested in being a mother, and interested generally in the safety or welfare of a child at all and how you should or shouldnt treat a child, maybe your mother could have cottonned on to what that man was all about. But sadly no.

Please read as much as you possibly can about abuse, families where the family protects the abuser, etc. Please talk to your therapist as much as you possibly can about this until you no longer believe these horrible lies.

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

We have read ... We 'know', but we cannot 'feel'. This is ... We do not 'believe' or 'think' we are to blame, we KNOW we are. We don't 'think' we are worthless, we KNOW we are. There's no debate ...
Therapist isn't going to solve this ... Too much day to day drama ... Two years already ... And no further forward ... Five years with previous ... No point ...

 

[MHealthJo]

I see......
I wonder how much sometimes, the trouble can be from being around the bad people telling the lies. Sometimes you have to get physically away from the bad types of people. Not easy sometimes but maybe one day, could figure it out....?

Or sometimes mental issues such as OCD traits and things can give you that "feeling" that's hard to shift. Keep pursuing treatment and recommendations, Nonny.

I hope we can help you gradually with whatever new avenues you may be willing to try going down. x

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

Our name is evie x thank you, sincerely for your time. Our main therapist tends to be from gestalt principles (as well as a lot of others) and in part this has been to 'blame' (wrong word we know) for the decline in the last year. We were stable two years ago. Entered therapy as unable to tolerate touch as well as general issues. A year in, and at the point of working deeper, we lost our job (which was our surrogate home) and a few moths later our stepfather came off licence and a month after that our husband of 12 years announces he wants to sleep with other women. So that just ... Rocked the boat so to speak. Then a poor experience with cmht and homelessness and losing the kids full time and just ... Keeps us down and unable to get back up atm. We were finally given permission to 'be' to 'feel' to 'experiement' and then we ended up with far too much to process to learn and deal with ... And guess that's where we are stuck ... Not knowing what's valid, what's not, what things are, if they are somatic, real ... Just pure confusion ... But lucky we have our therapist who is far more than we deserve ...

 

[forgetmenot]

YOU deserve care kindness patience understanding and so much more hun

I am glad you have your therapist and i hope that soon that therapist can help guide you back to more stability.

I see now now Evie how much of a fighter you are

You have been through so much in your life yet you are still here and doing what you can do to stay for your children

In time with help of your therapist you will see the fault only lies with one person the monster that abused you

 

[MHealthJo]

Nice to meet you Evie.

It has been a very big, very difficult, very painful, and very complex journey for you.

I hope one day there is some pride you can have that you keep surviving and that you have tried to watch out for your children.

Hold on to the support of whoever you have some level of trust in, work with those sources as best you can, and always stay informed about things such as what pace you should travel at in therapy, what you should expect or look for in a therapist, things like that. There is lots of good information here about how to make sure that those things are as they should be.

Let one of the moderators know if you ever feel like having a different forum name - or, if you would like to stick with the current one that is fine too. x

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

Thanks for your replies and time. X

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

And back we gobagain . Can hear her and him in the house laughing with kids proving our point we are s glorified baby sitter ... Easily replaced. Tonight we dont want to live ... Will do anything to make this better. Have ryined so many lives ... Only way to sort this mess is if we don't exist ... Sigh ...

 

[Jesse910]

Hi Nonny:

Perhaps it's time to take some of the advice you have already been given. If you do not want someone else replacing you in your children's lives, then you need to go to the hospital and seek care.

I'm not trying to be crude or cold. It's just that several of us have offered you worthwhile advice and you just need to drop your guard and accept the fact that your situation will only change when you are willing to seek help.

 

[GDPR]

And back we gobagain . Can hear her and him in the house laughing with kids proving our point we are s glorified baby sitter

I really wish you could change your living arrangements. It can't be helpful at all being within earshot and being able to hear everything that goes on.Is there any other place you can live?

You said you are living in a shed.Does it even have electricity or anything?

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

We have electrixity and our bed and wardorbe.
We do ot need hospital amission, what do we need that for ? If it was needed then psych, gp, therapists would suggest it. No 'cure' for bpd etc so nothing intake will do x

 

[GDPR]

Is that where you want to live?It seems to me it would just make everything so much harder to deal with.

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

Know what, forget it. Our own pile of **** we created it, we wallow in it, we have no way of getting out of it so forget it. Save your time for those you judge helpable ... We give up. One day we won't be here anyone, no-one will notice, so enjoy your lifes x stay strong x

 

[GDPR]

We all have our own ****,and we all have a choice,we can try to change things,actually do something instead of just wanting it to magically change,or we can wallow in it.

I'm sorry you would rather wallow in it.

And by the way,your distorted thinking may have you believing that no one would notice if you're not here,but I guarantee your kids would notice.