Chronic Suicidality ... Playing the long game ...

[Harebells]

I don't think you are unwilling to help yourself nonny mouse, I can see that you've already really tried to get help, and it must be exhausting that it hasn't helped...I think people here are just really concerned for you and wish we could find a way to give you some comfort and assistance.

 

[MHealthJo]

I just wanted to mention also Nonny, in case things appear differently on different browsers etc: Where Steve posted 'your local resources', it is a link. Not sure what comes up in that link, but just mentioning in case it might include any avenues you have not yet gone down.

So sorry that it is such a hard situation and I hope that in time with resources or conversations you can find here, it might be possible that one day you may find a change in strength and belief that an advocacy service could help you pursue health needs without losing your rights in regard to your children. Hugs

 

[Retired]

Nonny, please contact your local CAMHS unit for assistance.

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

Why Camhs ? We are with Cmht, (for what use it has, already have lodged offical complaint), I know you see us as ... Selfish or ... Please understand, we truely know the children will be better off without us (not saying we are intending anything, just context). There is a lot of 'back story', and unfortunatly there is a person around who poses a risk, and the children are the best way for them to 'hurt' us. If we do not exist, there is no-one to get back at and therefore no risk to children. Like I say, hard to explain fully.
We are under the 'care' of cmht, gp and private therapist. They all know of our situation, beliefs and activities. We are not at risk, neither are the children. We have applied previously for advocacy, wasn't eligible ...

 

[Jesse910]

Hi Nonny:

I always understood that there was a "back story." We all have them. For whatever reason, you are either unwilling or too scared to let your team know how you are really feeling. And, there's someone who you fear a great deal. And, the children are being used as leverage against you. So, you've applied for assistance but are not eligible. Can you say why that is? Right now, your life is like a puzzle. We're trying to help you find solutions, but because we are not physically there with you, it's difficult to know what may or may not work. Can you help us with those pieces? I'm also gathering from what you have stated that you've been detained or hospitalized in the past and that experience was not a good one or a safe one for you.

I want to remind you that we are a community who cares and we are not out to harm you. I think you're stuck and need assistance in untangling yourself. I also understand that the "we" is "you."

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

That was a beautifully worded reply ... Thank you ...
Have not been an inpatient before ... They have assessed for sectioning twice in last six months ... Denied everything so wasn't forced in. Have an agreement with private therapist if he says things are bad we will willingly go .. But that's it .. That's the only judgement we half trust ...
Ok, tangled is probably accurate ... And help in untangling would be awesome ...
Don't know why the advocacy people said not eliable ... Think it because we still work part time and so therefore seen as fully functioning ...
Have been honest with cmht, etc etc .. They know exactly what we do etc ... They just don't think its an issue ...

 

[Jesse910]

That was a beautifully worded reply ... Thank you ...
Have not been an inpatient before ... They have assessed for sectioning twice in last six months ... Denied everything so wasn't forced in. Have an agreement with private therapist if he says things are bad we will willingly go .. But that's it .. That's the only judgment we half trust ...
Ok, tangled is probably accurate ... And help in untangling would be awesome ...
Don't know why the advocacy people said not eliable ... Think it because we still work part time and so therefore seen as fully functioning ...
Have been honest with cmht, etc etc .. They know exactly what we do etc ... They just don't think its an issue ...

It's okay and you are welcome. I'm sorry but I do not know what sectioning means. Perhaps, you can help me with this. I like the agreement you have with your private therapist as I have a similar agreement with mine. If I ever get to feeling too low, I have to call in and wait for a call back. When the call back comes, I have to be share how I am feeling. I admit that I'm more worried about leveling with my doctor because hospitals are not my thing. However, he is the second tier in my safety net. I've only undergone 72-hour holds and it was years ago. I was checked on frequently and at times, pesky staff who would flip through my chart and talk about me when they thought I was asleep. I was very guarded. Yet, I came to realize that I was in the hospital because I made an error in judgment not because I was a bad person.

I'm glad that you have a part-time job. Are you afraid of losing your job? That is a very real fear. This could help explain your statement that you would "lose everything" including your children. And, I'm glad that you are being as honest as you can be with your crisis team. Are they available to you 24/7? Having those individuals near you is often helpful in creating a source of comfort. It allows you to rest a bit. I hope you are also eating and sleeping.

Take care.

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

Sectioning is being held in psychatirc hospital.... Crisi tema are less than useless ... Refused to come out once when we were in hopsital and had an op and hit a ptsd thing and was harming ... They refused to meet us at home. Support is only via private therapy ... One hour a week ... We are supported ... That's it. Our job is new. Was made redundant from last job. That job was 'our surrogate home' so hit us hard and hence breakdown. Or the start. As for losing job, yup.
Was told tonight he the kids dad doesn't believe a word we say ... That our going to mbt etc etc, means nothing as he doesn't know if its truthful ... Sigh
Sobbing ... This ist he nex ten years ... That or give him full custody and he moves the kids from their home and ... Sigh ...

 

[Jesse910]

Nonny:

Continually, thank for you taking baby steps in reaching out here. If some of my questions come across as redundant, I don't mean to do so. Have you called your therapist and discussed how you are feeling these days? Secondly, were you prescribed any medication? If so, can you share that with me? If that's too much to share, can you tell me if you are taking it properly? I can certainly understand the hurt and sense of loss in losing something that was dear and meaningful to you. It does hurt. I'm going to tell you something that might seem more than you can handle, but it is the truth. Years ago when I was fired from my job, my entire world caved in immediately. I was too embarrassed and scared to reach out to anyone. I felt myself to be a complete and utter failure. I lost my pride and my dignity. I went home and made the ultimate decision. When I came to, I was in a hospital bed and I remained there for several days. After I went through some awful nurses, my support people reminded me that in spite of what I had gone through and was going through, I was still a person of intrinsic worth and value. Thank you for explaining "sectioning" to me. So, I get that you are afraid of the hospital and what can happen there.

I'm going to take a bold step here and tell you that like me years ago, I was of no help or use to anyone. I could not deal with anything. I made no sense. However, I met with my shrink each and every week until I was able to connect several dots together. And, no things did not work out okay for a long time. I could not get a job. I bombed every single job interview I went on for the longest time, until after 30 tries, someone took a chance on me. What I'm trying to say Nonny is that no matter how bad you feel, you can heal with help.

And, with regards to your children, you may lose them for a while, but not forever. You are their mother!!! The greatest gift that you can give to them is to fight to get well. No matter what your ex-husband may say, wouldn't it be wonderful to prove him wrong on all fronts.

I may have stepped on your toes here, but others have been where you are and worse and they have come back. After my fiasco, I got back on my feet and was able to move forward with my life. You owe yourself that same gift.

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

Thanks ...
If he has full time custody, it means the children moving to a new house, and genuinely would not regain them again full time.
As for meds ... Started back on anti-d's 6 weeks ago and benzo's prn. Well known for aqcuiring other meds, mainly sleepers and pain meds ... But have used whatever we can find before. Everyone knows about it. Again not hidden from therpists, gp and psych.
Everyone knows how we currently are ... Telling them again won't make an ounce of difference ...
Hubby said last night he no longer believes a word we say ... And now this is it for the next ten years ... Shed life eh ..

 

[Jesse910]

Hi Nonny:

So, you resumed taking meds about 6 weeks ago and benzo is for anxiety? However, you are mixing them up with other meds that are not prescribed. I'm guessing that you're self-medicating with other drugs because the prescribed drugs are not enough to help you feel okay? What support/care can your team offer to you at this time given that they know how you are doing? And, when was the last time you saw your GP, Psych or therapist. You stated that your therapist was the person you saw each week.

Secondly, your ex-husband is judging you on past and current interactions. He's angry and bitter, among other things. It's difficult to run a mile if your body is not in proper condition to do so. Your situation is no different than someone who has heart disease or diabetes. Until you get the illness under control, you are shadow boxing in the dark. Once your life and your mind are stable, you will have the ability to fight your ex.

I'm still puzzled about how custody works in your area. On this, again, I would think that a conversation with a legal services attorney would be your best bet. You need information. Nonny, nothing is impossible.
You are taking baby steps here and I'm proud of you!

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

No 'support' has been offered ... Why would they ?
We sat in our gp surgery 8 weeks ago and told him we don't want to live and had taken many meds the night before. He phoned the mental health team, who contacted us and basically said what do you want us to do about it ? Saw him two weeks later to start meds and have anti-biotics for the suicide attempt. Also see practice nurse to check and dress the wounds as they were really bad ...
Saw psych start of jan, gp last week for med review (won't see now for months), group therapy weekly (we are struggling with that), private therapy weekly via phone and just finsihed 8 weeks with counscellor. Don't see anyone from mh team, they can't be arsed ... Last saw care co-ordinator before xmas when he phoned for the section (intake) team to assess us and social services to assess kids ...

As for the custody ... Its really hard to explain. But it is what it is and here's to it never ending ... Yay ...

Bad day today ...

 

[forgetmenot]

You saw a counselor that is good and you have private therapy and group therapy all positive steps to help YOU

The group therapy will help you see you are not alone ok you will have support of the members there as well

A mental health team consist of many types of professionals that can help you such as the counselor you are seeing and the therapist that runs the groups.

You pdoc you can contact him if you feel that you need more help as well in regards to your medication if you feel that it is not helping you perhaps you need an adjustment

I am sorry you are having a bad day today I hope by coming here it helps some

just to be heard sometimes helps to alleviate some of the loneliness one feels

 

[Jesse910]

Dear Nonny:

I am slowly beginning to understand your situation. You have been trying to get help but you continue to hit walls. Eight weeks ago, you made an attempt on your life. You were seen by a GP who was made aware of your intentions. Because of your deep wound, was hospitalization mentioned at that time? Was this your first attempt? It baffles me that they would allow you to leave without putting some systems in place to secure continued care?

Question for you, do you live in a small town or an area where are larger medical facilities? Second uestion that I asked earlier today, are you still self-medicating?

Thank-you for sharing parts of your story.

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

From UK. Cmht is ten mins down the road, as well as two inpatient hospitals within a ten min drive ... Plenty of facilities, useless system ...
Hospitalisation never mentioned, the exception being when we used a chairty crisis line, and they panicked and phone police etc which is what started this whole latest palava off ...
This would be our third single attempt in a year, but have overmedded freqquently to bring about liver failure ... Eventually ...
Have tried three or four times in the past ...
Yes still self medding.
Although less than 6 weeks ago ... There is also a genuine medical issue (gynae) which we are seeing a consultant for. Mental health team refused to liase even though its all linked ... Seriously the system is useless, hence private therapist ... Thank you for your time ...

 

[Jesse910]

Hi Nonny: It's been a busy day, but I wanted to get back to you. First, you live in a large commnity with access to medical care. What would happen if you were to walk into a hospital and say, "I feel like harming myself. I'm not the person I want to be. Can someone please help me?

Given that you've had encounters with your support team and they have been unwilling to help you, you need to take a different approach. However, this would mean that you would have to take a chance - a huge chance.

You would need to stop self-medicating. It would not be easy to give up so much of yourself. However, you are in an incredible amount of pain and have been for a long time. And, you should stand your ground until you are allowed to be evaluated by others who are not a part of your current team.

Nonny, you have the right to be a whole person. And, your children deserve a healthy Mom. You need to find out how to conquer your demons.

If there is something that I'm missing, please feel free to correct me.

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

If we walk into a hospital, we would end up losing job and kids ... Inpatient isn't an option and realistically what could they do ? Have leearnt we are worth nothing ... Mental health services prove that. Don't worry about it. Hopefully not for much longer ...

 

[Jesse910]

Nonny:

I am truly sorry that you are in a crisis mode. However, until you are willing to seek available treatment, your situation will continue.

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

So we need to lose everything to become better for nothing to be better for ?
Don't you see the dilemma ? If we have nothing, why survive ? A pathetic existence is better than an empty life ... At least at the moment there is fight, with it gone, we will just die anyways ...
Damned from the day we were born ...

---------- Post Merged at 01:41 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 01:39 PM ----------

See how people change ... Fine just let her get on with it .. Same everywhere ... That's all they do and say ... So thanks for trying ...

 

[rdw]

No one is judging you but we all know that to get better YOU have to do the work - No one else. It is hard work that takes commitment, sacrifice and dedication to the healing process. We understand that you're in pain and can't see your way out but I'm going to ask you to quit judging all those you have given you advice for you do not know what we have each been through on our journeys. For myself it was excruciatingly hard to make the choices I had to make but in the end it is worth it. I hope you find your way to healing.