Chronic Suicidality ... Playing the long game ...

[forgetmenot]

It is you hun that has to make a choice ok really there is only one and that is to go in and get help Like stated you will always have your children they will be there and your job well get a leave of abscence or sick leave until you can get treatment started anyways Your children are not going anywhere hun you just need to decide to either stay in the same place you are at or do something to change it ok
Hell i am not one to talk ok i do understand i do i have been fighting along time now on my own trust issues i guess but to get well one has to reach out and trust ok the professionals to help you YOU have to advocate for yourself and if cannot you get someone that will for you
We care about you we do as we all have been there I do hope you find a way out hun a safe way out ok so you can always be there for your children and for YOU hugs

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

We apoloigise for being 'rude and insensitive'. Guess some people are just useless throughout eh ...

 

[forgetmenot]

No one has said you are useless hun no way you are doing some positive steps to help you I just wish you could do more for YOU ok hugs

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

We get the impression, people think we don't want to try, don't want to engage ? We try, genuinely, we attend every appointment offered, take meds as prescribed, attend and fund private therapy as well as attending group as offered. We are not being dramatic when we say hospital is not an option. Firstly, they would not intake us as not unwell enough, (in their eyes we function so ...) And second, there are a lot of financial issues that means if we no longer fund the house the children and ex hubby live in, he will move them to somewhere else with him and his gf. We will then only be able to afford a single bed place and therefore will not be able to have the children back. Sorry, we are trying to explain ... We really are not trying to be rude or insensitive ... Just trying and failing to explain ... We shall leave this thread now, as have offended and upset some people and we really didn't wish for anything like that. We are one of the most unselfish people you would ever probably meet ... But nevermind. Thanks for trying and apologies ...

 

[MHealthJo]

Thanks for sticking around Nonny while we try to understand your circumstances.

Is there some part of the system there that you 'fit into'? Have you been denied certain options because of the substance misuse? Is there some segment of the health or social services system that you *do* fit into and that would keep you safe or offer you more of what you need or more safety or engagement?

In the meantime it's really great that you are going ahead with engaging with the options that you've got access to.

Are you *absolutely* *absolutely* sure Nonny that if you ended up away from your husband in a smaller place, that your legal system would totally disallow any custody to you? Have you discussed all if this thoroughly with a legal advisor?

The trouble with being stuck in one situation out of fear is.... well... it means you are stuck in one situation out of fear.

I do really understand how it is a big fear and big roadblock against some sort of change, if a person truly believes that going forward with a drastic fulltime treatment option or some new option means losing their kids forever.

I just do not know if I absolutely believe that though. No matter what, you are their mother. xx

And if not much can change much in the near future, please still remember......

Don't underestimate the possibilities of change eventually happening over time, if you are able to

a) hang on and stay around,

b) stay in contact with services you do have and keep using them,

c) find some sort of support and healthy information and self-help such as what you can find here,

d) create as much boundary and distance as your can between yourself and toxic/hurtful people or situations or interfering stuff,

e) start experimenting with new things to do with your feelings, and

f) basically just decide for now that you're here and you're choosing to live for now.

That last one is certainly hard to do in some positions - it is hard to back away from an edge that has started to seem like a good thing or a good option.

But it is the step that can make new things possible...................

even if you do not believe that right now.

But you are wrong........

you have been made to believe awful untrue things about yourself, and you are wrong...............

xx

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

He would allow us access ... But there would be no way of providing accomodation for them and then as such will not have any custody rights as unable to provide suitable accomodation.
He has already said he doesn't believe a words we say and that now since he knows how bad things were a few weeks back that he will never trust us with the kids as it used to be. Hospital will just add to that for him.
But yes, can say with 100% conviction, if we allow the children to move and we go into hospital we will not regain full time care of them again and not live with thjem again. He will be tied into a new tenancy agreement on a large property (based on having the kids) and therefore will be unable to not have them as will have an agreement he will not be able to afford without them. The time scales needed for us to sort out stuff for them when unemployed wouldn't happen. We would never be in a position to be able to regain a tenancy on. A three bed house ... Cannot lose them ... Just can't ...

 

[MHealthJo]

I see... In your legal system, is a small place with a sofabed or futon or some foam mattresses on the floor in the living room, is that not considered ok for a parent to have some weekend custody?

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

No it wouldn't given their ages etc... If they were the same gender, maybe ... But as its one of each and puberty .. No ...

---------- Post Merged at 10:37 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 10:34 PM ----------

And besides, it would kill us, knowing his girlfriend would be spending more time with them than we do ... Becoming their mother. What point would our existence be then ...

 

[MHealthJo]

She can never become their mother. No matter how ill or how much time whoever has, you are still their mother and she is not. It doesn't matter what anyone says or how anyone thinks about it.

And if you go, you are not a mother anymore...

One could argue, if you keep doing what you can to be a little more healthy, and choosing to stay, you are much much more of a mother...

And could argue, doing that is important, it is part of being human, and one needs to pursue health and safety as best they can in order to pursue motherhood or claim motherhood.

All have problems, things are so complex, and some things can't be totally perfectly solved and that's ok.

But health and self-esteem, no matter WHAT, it is a primary thing to pursue.

You are not nothing if you are not live-in mother or a wife.

You are not nothing or worth less if you get rejected or treated badly or have been rejected or treated badly or if a partner moves on to a new person or if living arrangements change.

It does not change your identity or value, and there is a possibility if you think about it correctly with therapy, that it could allow work on the self and a change of thinking. It depends.
Sometimes a person needs to "lose everything" (in their view) to, for the first time, open their mind, build a healthy value system, self-compassion, a value of the self for its own sake and a healthy relationship with the self. Some have never ever done that and have only ever defined themself through outside things.

The concept of ego in Eastern thought, popularised or made easy to understand via Eckhart Tolle, can be of great use.

---

As long as there was a room large enough for you to also sleep in with the two kids, Surely that would make the weekend arangement possible.....

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

We understand. No win no matter what. Good job we were not innocent in our downfall .. Makes the hell easier to sit with knowing its all your own doing ... Thanks for your time.

 

[Jesse910]

Nonny:

RDW is correct. At one time or another, we have experienced the fear, anxiousness, physical and emotional pain that you find yourself. We may have taken different avenues to get there. However, when we hit rock bottom, and some of us had to bottom out, we each made a decision to get the help we needed. You dear lady must do the same. If you take your life, you will never see your children again and you'll never know joy and how to live a fulfilled life.

The ball is in your court. You can work through your issues through proper channels now so that you watch your children grow up. No one has all the answers. Although we can take a step forward each day.

 

[MHealthJo]

Everyone makes big mistakes Nonny and everyone has problems and weaknesses and flaws and failures. Does not mean they deserve death or horrible suffering though, and so much of what can happen in life is, unfortunately, not deserved. The world's a wacky place.

Sometimes just a little little bit of self-compassion and self-forgiveness - even if it's only a really little bit and starts very slowly
..... it can lead to new things that seem impossible........

Keep hanging here and you may be able to begin glimpses of those things.....

Thinking of you. Hugs xx

 

[forgetmenot]

I do not think it was all your own doing at all hun it takes two to have things go wrong in a relationship Please do not put all the blame on you ok

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

Was reffering to the abuse of our stepfather ...

 

[forgetmenot]

I am sorry hun but if your stepfather abused you You were NOT at a fault ok All the fault lies to him and him alone hugs

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

We abused him. But he got punished for it. That's what makes us vile. We are not the innocent one. We are the predator.

 

[rdw]

If you committed an injustice against your stepfather then you must come clean about your actions. Healing only occurs when you are honest with yourself and others.

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

Yup we are honest ... We are vile ... That's why we are currently sitting in a shed, can hear all of them in the house laughing, and we are just waiting to go to work. Via the back gate, won't see kids till tomorrow wevening as she's in the house ... Sobbing ...

 

[MHealthJo]

Be careful though because sometimes you can start to believe lies someone has told you. Obviously I was not there and don't know what happened, but sometimes bad people can get someone to believe things that are not true in regards to abuse and things. So it's really important to make sure you keep talking about this stuff as much as you can with your therapist - I have seen cases where people have had a situation mixed around backwards in their mind, due to various factors.

 

[A Nonny Mouse]

What else is there to believe ... Mother thinks that, he said that, and we did. We could have saidno. We could have stopped everything by saying no. Or saying no better than we did. So confused.
Don't know anything anymore
Broken ...