Dealing with Abandonment

[GingerUK]

This is my first post here, and I'm at a loss really. Probably better if I go back to the beginning.

I'm 26 years old. From the age of 5 to the age of 11 I was bullied by one girl who I "called" my best friend. I suffered emotional blackmail to the point where I was stealing money just to keep her happy. If I didn't, she would turn her back on me or run away and ignore me for a day. I was too terrified not to do what she wanted.

Eventually her bullying became too much and I had a breakdown when I got to secondary school. I got over it and met a new group of girls. But that crippling fear of being left alone ate away at me and again I started to do everything in my power to stop them walking away from me. After 3 years, they also turned on me and I was considered an outcast...they would often arrange things behind my back such as days out...or sometimes just take days where they would pick on me for being different or trying too hard to fit in. They left me.

Then I met a guy in school...also my next door neighbour. And we became inseperable. Every second of the day we were together until he found a girlfriend...and I would go for days without seeing him...living with a crippiling pain in my stomach because I was alone. I lived in constant panic! So I started to self harm...because I knew he would talk to me for at least a minute if I showed him what I had done. Again, he left me and moved away to university up north. I went to University here at home, but never formed any relationships, because I didn't want anyone to get too close to me. Suddenly I was mixing with adults from all walks of life and I just knew I was out of my depth.

Back in 2006, I fell in love for the first time and I was glowing. I felt like a new woman, my confidence went through the roof and I was so happy. This man gave me exactly the attention I craved for! I didn't know myself. Until the love of my life started backing away from me, becoming cold and distant...he sexually assaulted me one night whilst on holiday in a foreign country and I never saw him again. He just left me there and I flew home on my own.

And now, I have another friend...again, a man. He lives away in Ankara so he's not close enough to hurt me. But I can feel this frustration and pain again. If I don't hear from him for a day, I start to text him, stupid little messages just to get a reaction from him. I start wondering what I've done...what did I say? And how can I get him back? I exaggerate what I've done in the day just to make it look interesting enough! It eats away at me day after day after day and I'm so exhausted. The thought of him withdrawing attention from me, or finding love just fills me with fear! And it needs to stop.

I'm just about to start a new relationship here in the UK...with a really lovely, caring guy. And I don't want to blow it. Because the second he ever wants to take it to the next level, I know I will push him away...I can't bear for people to get too close to me because I expect to get hurt. When we first met up, I was physically sick with fear....I made excuses day after day after day as to why I couldn't meet him.

I'm at a loss as to what to do! I just don't know!

I came across this site by accident whilst looking for help...so I thought I would post.

Thank you

 

[imans]

truth is we have only ourself to support ourself i suffer from that same pains too in different ways

 

[Retired]

Cez,

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you have experienced. By discussing your situation, you can find support and insights from the experiences of others.

May I ask, what are your relationships with family and other friends like?

 

[GingerUK]

I come from a very close family really...my parents have been married for 27 years now and I only have one sibling who I'm close to.
The only problems that arise within my family is when I become obsessed...I can be away for hours sitting at a PC just WAITING for a friend to come online who I've been worried about upsetting. This does cause a rift between us. When I start refusing to go out on trips with them, or texting people when the family get together just because I'm needed verification that someone is still talking to me.
My grandmother died suddenly at the age of 70 back in 2005...an otherwise fit and healthy woman. Healthy and active. One day she was with us, the next not. My sister and I spent half our childhood with her as she lived in the countryside...so it was hard to accept she had gone without warning.

I have two best friends...we have been together for 12 years now. But even THEN my abandonment fear surfaces from time to time. I'm afraid to disagree with them over anything, or turn down any offers of a night out they might make even though I'm feeling unwell, or tired, or have no money. If I disagree with them, or refuse an offer...I fret for hours until I've heard from them again.

 

[ladylore]

First off, welcome to Psychlinks. :tiphat:

I recognize these symptoms because I had lived with them for many years myself. Have you ever talked with a therapist about this? It may help.

I don't mean for this to be patronizing in any way, say that, you are 25. I am 38 now but I remember being 25 and what people thought of me counted - alot. Probably too much.

People get angry and hurt by others, it's hard not to accidently hurt others. It will and does happen. The main thing is that it is talked about and resolved in one way or another. The best advice I can give you is to keep being curious about the world, have people in your life so no one thing will be your world. This way you will have a broad support system. I think it's great that your are in love. Try to remember that he is a part of your life but not your life.

Hope some of this helps.

 

[GingerUK]

Thank you for your replies. It's so nice being able to talk all this through!

I am considering going into counselling...I feel I need to. But it's finding the right one...it's on my mind to do it. Part of me feels like a failure...because I am psychology graduate...so how come I can't help myself?

I'm in work right now, and my friend in Ankara has been online for the last half hour and has not bothered sending me any messages. My stomach is in knots because I KNOW I want to send him a message, just to get a reply. But I'm trying not to...really really trying.

At the moment, I'm thinking a lot of things... is he angry with me? did I say something to him and now he's not speaking to me? What if he's talking to other girls and isn't interested in me anymore? What if he's hoping I'll get the hint and leave him alone? And as fast as I'm trying to rationalise all this...the thoughts just keep coming until I start to feel very tired.

I thought maybe it would help if I wrote down was I was feeling at this exact moment? Maybe someone can help?

 

[ladylore]

Your friend could be busy at the moment with his own life. Doesn't mean he has lost interest, doesn't mean he is angry with you or that you have done anything wrong. Chances are the reason he hasn't returned your email yet doesn't have anything to do with you.

I worked in Violence Prevention as a crisis counsellor for many years. The fact that you can't fix your own problems because you have a psychology doesn't mean your less competent or anything of that nature. It's one reason we need each other, for support, companionship.....

You may want to take yourself off the hook as you don't deserve to be on it in the first place.

 

[Retired]

Part of me feels like a failure...because I am psychology graduate

Understanding the theory does not guarantee being immune from psychological or emotional distress.

You are to be commended for recognizing you have issues to be resolved, and perhaps this discussion will help point you in the direction you need at this time.

I am considering going into counselling...I feel I need to. But it's finding the right one...

Have you considered discussing your situation with your family doctor, to get a referral to a mental health specialist?

What are your concerns about finding the right one; do you mean the right kind of therapy or a compatible person with whom you feel comfortable?

 

[imans]

what you need is not him particularly but maybe to experience a positive communication with another, what you need more is to believe in yourself alerts for a sane relation even if you are aware of lacking experience for what you would consider right for you,

 

[GingerUK]

Thanks to everyone for their guidance. I think what they say is true...once you've identified your problem, it's easier to deal with.

I've been thinking over the last couple of days about my thoughts and the advice you have all given me here.

I still wish to seek counselling. And I will go for sure because I can't go through life like this.

At the moment...I'm trying to control my thoughts. When these fears start overtaking me, I try to sit back and rationalise...tell myself that the other person is just busy... and it works to a certain extent...but it doesn't stop the physical responses...the increased heart rate, that pain in my stomach, loss of appetite.

I haven't spoken of any of this to my family yet. Because where do I start? I've always been seen as the strong one...the one who can hit the ground and bounce back up again no problem. I guess it's the front I've been putting on all these years. And to now turn round and say "actually, I need a bit of help" is difficult.

 

[Sparrow]

:goodpost:

 

[GingerUK]

Well, I'm feeling ok today. Yesterday, one of my friends didn't call me back after I left a voicemail. And...yes I did have a panic. But, now I know where my problem lies, it seemed a little easier for me NOT to go sending hundreds of texts or calling them. Sure enough she called me this morning and there was a perfectly valid reason behind her not returning my call.

It felt like a mini victory really for me. When I get all these feelings within me, I find myself thinking of the postings on here, and it grounds me a little. I reach for the site rather than the phone and just read some of the responses... :thankyou:

 

[ladylore]

:yahoo: Way to go! :2thumbs:

 

[Halo]

I am really glad that the posts on here are helping and it is a victory what you accomplished yesterday :2thumbs: You should be really proud of yourself