This is my first post here, and I'm at a loss really. Probably better if I go back to the beginning.
I'm 26 years old. From the age of 5 to the age of 11 I was bullied by one girl who I "called" my best friend. I suffered emotional blackmail to the point where I was stealing money just to keep her happy. If I didn't, she would turn her back on me or run away and ignore me for a day. I was too terrified not to do what she wanted.
Eventually her bullying became too much and I had a breakdown when I got to secondary school. I got over it and met a new group of girls. But that crippling fear of being left alone ate away at me and again I started to do everything in my power to stop them walking away from me. After 3 years, they also turned on me and I was considered an outcast...they would often arrange things behind my back such as days out...or sometimes just take days where they would pick on me for being different or trying too hard to fit in. They left me.
Then I met a guy in school...also my next door neighbour. And we became inseperable. Every second of the day we were together until he found a girlfriend...and I would go for days without seeing him...living with a crippiling pain in my stomach because I was alone. I lived in constant panic! So I started to self harm...because I knew he would talk to me for at least a minute if I showed him what I had done. Again, he left me and moved away to university up north. I went to University here at home, but never formed any relationships, because I didn't want anyone to get too close to me. Suddenly I was mixing with adults from all walks of life and I just knew I was out of my depth.
Back in 2006, I fell in love for the first time and I was glowing. I felt like a new woman, my confidence went through the roof and I was so happy. This man gave me exactly the attention I craved for! I didn't know myself. Until the love of my life started backing away from me, becoming cold and distant...he sexually assaulted me one night whilst on holiday in a foreign country and I never saw him again. He just left me there and I flew home on my own.
And now, I have another friend...again, a man. He lives away in Ankara so he's not close enough to hurt me. But I can feel this frustration and pain again. If I don't hear from him for a day, I start to text him, stupid little messages just to get a reaction from him. I start wondering what I've done...what did I say? And how can I get him back? I exaggerate what I've done in the day just to make it look interesting enough! It eats away at me day after day after day and I'm so exhausted. The thought of him withdrawing attention from me, or finding love just fills me with fear! And it needs to stop.
I'm just about to start a new relationship here in the UK...with a really lovely, caring guy. And I don't want to blow it. Because the second he ever wants to take it to the next level, I know I will push him away...I can't bear for people to get too close to me because I expect to get hurt. When we first met up, I was physically sick with fear....I made excuses day after day after day as to why I couldn't meet him.
I'm at a loss as to what to do! I just don't know!
I came across this site by accident whilst looking for help...so I thought I would post.
Thank you
I'm 26 years old. From the age of 5 to the age of 11 I was bullied by one girl who I "called" my best friend. I suffered emotional blackmail to the point where I was stealing money just to keep her happy. If I didn't, she would turn her back on me or run away and ignore me for a day. I was too terrified not to do what she wanted.
Eventually her bullying became too much and I had a breakdown when I got to secondary school. I got over it and met a new group of girls. But that crippling fear of being left alone ate away at me and again I started to do everything in my power to stop them walking away from me. After 3 years, they also turned on me and I was considered an outcast...they would often arrange things behind my back such as days out...or sometimes just take days where they would pick on me for being different or trying too hard to fit in. They left me.
Then I met a guy in school...also my next door neighbour. And we became inseperable. Every second of the day we were together until he found a girlfriend...and I would go for days without seeing him...living with a crippiling pain in my stomach because I was alone. I lived in constant panic! So I started to self harm...because I knew he would talk to me for at least a minute if I showed him what I had done. Again, he left me and moved away to university up north. I went to University here at home, but never formed any relationships, because I didn't want anyone to get too close to me. Suddenly I was mixing with adults from all walks of life and I just knew I was out of my depth.
Back in 2006, I fell in love for the first time and I was glowing. I felt like a new woman, my confidence went through the roof and I was so happy. This man gave me exactly the attention I craved for! I didn't know myself. Until the love of my life started backing away from me, becoming cold and distant...he sexually assaulted me one night whilst on holiday in a foreign country and I never saw him again. He just left me there and I flew home on my own.
And now, I have another friend...again, a man. He lives away in Ankara so he's not close enough to hurt me. But I can feel this frustration and pain again. If I don't hear from him for a day, I start to text him, stupid little messages just to get a reaction from him. I start wondering what I've done...what did I say? And how can I get him back? I exaggerate what I've done in the day just to make it look interesting enough! It eats away at me day after day after day and I'm so exhausted. The thought of him withdrawing attention from me, or finding love just fills me with fear! And it needs to stop.
I'm just about to start a new relationship here in the UK...with a really lovely, caring guy. And I don't want to blow it. Because the second he ever wants to take it to the next level, I know I will push him away...I can't bear for people to get too close to me because I expect to get hurt. When we first met up, I was physically sick with fear....I made excuses day after day after day as to why I couldn't meet him.
I'm at a loss as to what to do! I just don't know!
I came across this site by accident whilst looking for help...so I thought I would post.
Thank you