Dealing with lies

[Labradorgal]

Hi, My marriage ended in 2005 , when my ex bet the crap out of me, was arrested and charged. My children were 5 and 8 at the time. The courts granted me primary custody with visitations to their father. My problem stems from the smear campaign he and his family have launched against me. They told my children that he beat me up because I attacked him with a knife. This is totally untrue and now my youngest who is 18 even said he witnessed it even though he wasn’t in the room. When my youngest turned 14 he chose to go live with his father.

I feel victimized all over again every time I hear these lies. Most of my friends who know I wouldn’t hurt a fly don’t believe the lies. But my kids believe it and that kills me. I just heard recently that they told my kids I used to punish them with hot sauce, I can’t believe it, I would never do that, I wonder what else they were told.

I suffer from ptsd , depression and anxiety, I’ve gained weight and haven’t moved on. How do I go on when he is still hurting me so badly?






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[GaryQ]

Thanks for sharing your story.
I know it’s not easy. The sad truth which I never understood with my kids is how such intelligent children teenagers at the time could fall for their mother’s vindictive blatant lies after our divorce. End result their mother passed away almost 3 years ago and because of it they are left without any parent in their lives. How can you say you love your children and destroy them simply to hurt the estranged spouse.

first part is accepting that you have no control over it or how others act or lie. Second is to know you are not alone in this situation we are at least three here that live with this problem.

seeking counseling or some firm of support is a good thing that could help you come to terms with your suffering.

wish I had some more reassuring words for you besides the usual hang in there.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Something a little more optimistic: Most (sadly not all) children do grow up and begin to question things they've been told by the other parent.

What you are talking about is called Parental Alienation Syndrome.

We have some other threads on this topic which you may find helpful:

• What is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)?
• Parental Alienation Is Emotional Abuse of Children
• Hello to Everyone!
• Custody battles and Parental Alienation Syndrome - The toxic tug-of-war
• Parental Alienation Syndrome
• Parental Alienation Syndrome

 

[forgetmenot]

Your teenagers will come to understand the courts would not have assigned you full custody if they did not believe your side of story. I never truly understand how a court could allow visitation rights to a man that would brutally beat up a woman the violence there why would a court allow a man to be anywhere near a child. I do hope in time they will understand the truth and not be persuaded by his lies or his family's lies.

 

[GaryQ]

I’m sorry if my post sounded negative. Reading my post over I realize that I omitted the objective side which is something Thankfully David made sure to do. I guess some subjects hit home too hard.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don’t think your post was negative, @GaryQ. What you said was true: we don’t have any control over what other people say about us, to our children or to anyone else.

We have to trust that our children are not stupid and that eventually they will recognize what is the truth and what is lies or distortions.

 

[Labradorgal]

I never added that the ex has also vilified the older brother, my 21 year old is autistic, has no education and doesn’t leave the house. My younger son has been told that this is all my fault and if he stayed with me he will be a failure like his brother. Their father has refused visits with the older son for 6 years because of his behaviour.
I hate feeling victimized over and over.


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[GaryQ]

We have to trust that our children are not stupid and that eventually they will recognize what is the truth and what is lies or distortions.

That's why as I have posted in other threads dealing with this sensitive subject that the door will always be left open without judgement should they seek to reconnect with me in any way.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I never added that the ex has also vilified the older brother, my 21 year old is autistic, has no education and doesn’t leave the house. My younger son has been told that this is all my fault and if he stayed with me he will be a failure like his brother. Their father has refused visits with the older son for 6 years because of his behaviour.
I hate feeling victimized over and over.

Understood. Your ex sounds like a right jerk - self-centered and abusive. What a lovely combination.

 

[GaryQ]

I never added that the ex has also vilified the older brother, my 21 year old is autistic, has no education and doesn’t leave the house. My younger son has been told that this is all my fault and if he stayed with me he will be a failure like his brother. Their father has refused visits with the older son for 6 years because of his behaviour.
I hate feeling victimized over and over.
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David's words are "softer" than what I'm thinking and will avoid posting regarding your ex.

But you are only a victim if you allow yourself to be one. (Not as easy as it sounds trust me, but true)

This article is one I remember reading that was posted not long ago that I found really good. Maybe it can be of some help or comfort to you. It also addresses the victim issue.

You Can Look Through the Lens of Love or Fear

I think David would be able to find more if you needed