This is my second time posting on this forum. I recently went through a crisis in my two year therapy -- a difficult rift had developed between me and my therapist, whom I had grown to trust and rely on. My therapist was kind/wise/mature enough to get a professional consultation for himself to try to determine what was going wrong and to find better strategies. What his action did for me was:
1. reassure me he really is committed to my care
2. reassure me that while he is human enough to make mistakes (which I already knew....), he is also strong enough to try to continue to learn and grow himself
3 made me feel like I had some worth, since he was willing to put himself through some real trouble and introspection on my behalf. (This was maybe the most profound result of going through this crisis together.)
Ironically, I don't think the consulation has solved the core dilemna of our therapy.....just shored us both up to face it with more mutual understanding, trust and resolve.
The core dilemna of our therapy is this: How do I talk about traumatic memories without the talking itself becoming a recreation of the original trauma.
When I talk about the things that happened to me and that I did, it is like I am there again. The feelings are so strong -- the fear, the grief, the shame. And then, suddenly, I have to go -- my kind and compassionate therapist is making me leave his office, and I'm raw, vulnerable, open, angry and scared.
We only attempt to talk specifically about the memories every so often because it is so difficult and stressful. After a session where I am telling a new story, I often go through a cycle of flashbacks, anxiety and then deep depression. It can feel like a 2-3 week death spiral; my family and work suffers tremendously, not to mention my self-esteem and optimism.
We have both considered the possibility that it might be better for me not to talk about these memories. We've also both concluded and agreed that, alas, it is necessary.
My therapist received some suggestions for some simple behavioural techniques to try to end sessions like that in a better place-- try to get me to sit up straight and comfortably on the couch -- I often end up leaning over on my side, kind of twisted and away from him crying. Deep breathing. Listening to the sounds outside the office -- traffic, construction, birds, whatever.
We will try these suggestions, as we have tried other things in the past -- doing the harder work earlier in the sesssion, me trying to look at him and reconnect before I go ( I can't tell the stories and maintain eye contact with him.)
Still, I know the telling and remembering will continue to be hard for me and a central challenge of the therapy. I'm looking for both support and guidance.
Are there things that have worked for other people going through this? Is there anything I can read to help reassure and guide me? I have reread Judith Herman's book Trauma and Recovery 4 or 5 times since I started therapy. I like the way she puts trauma in an historical and political context. Her chapter on a healing relationship helped me to understand the kind of therapy I am in. The rest of what I've read has been only somewhat helpful -- general books on therapy (especially Irv Yalom's books) have also helped me understand the process to a point......books on dealing with ptsd or sexual abuse are, frankly, not so helpful in so far as i feel like on an intellectual level I understand most of what they explain already.
I so much appreciated the thoughtfull responces to my last post. To be honest I've been skeptical about on-line support stuff, but people's thoughful responces were helpful to me during the past two weeks. Thanks for that.
1. reassure me he really is committed to my care
2. reassure me that while he is human enough to make mistakes (which I already knew....), he is also strong enough to try to continue to learn and grow himself
3 made me feel like I had some worth, since he was willing to put himself through some real trouble and introspection on my behalf. (This was maybe the most profound result of going through this crisis together.)
Ironically, I don't think the consulation has solved the core dilemna of our therapy.....just shored us both up to face it with more mutual understanding, trust and resolve.
The core dilemna of our therapy is this: How do I talk about traumatic memories without the talking itself becoming a recreation of the original trauma.
When I talk about the things that happened to me and that I did, it is like I am there again. The feelings are so strong -- the fear, the grief, the shame. And then, suddenly, I have to go -- my kind and compassionate therapist is making me leave his office, and I'm raw, vulnerable, open, angry and scared.
We only attempt to talk specifically about the memories every so often because it is so difficult and stressful. After a session where I am telling a new story, I often go through a cycle of flashbacks, anxiety and then deep depression. It can feel like a 2-3 week death spiral; my family and work suffers tremendously, not to mention my self-esteem and optimism.
We have both considered the possibility that it might be better for me not to talk about these memories. We've also both concluded and agreed that, alas, it is necessary.
My therapist received some suggestions for some simple behavioural techniques to try to end sessions like that in a better place-- try to get me to sit up straight and comfortably on the couch -- I often end up leaning over on my side, kind of twisted and away from him crying. Deep breathing. Listening to the sounds outside the office -- traffic, construction, birds, whatever.
We will try these suggestions, as we have tried other things in the past -- doing the harder work earlier in the sesssion, me trying to look at him and reconnect before I go ( I can't tell the stories and maintain eye contact with him.)
Still, I know the telling and remembering will continue to be hard for me and a central challenge of the therapy. I'm looking for both support and guidance.
Are there things that have worked for other people going through this? Is there anything I can read to help reassure and guide me? I have reread Judith Herman's book Trauma and Recovery 4 or 5 times since I started therapy. I like the way she puts trauma in an historical and political context. Her chapter on a healing relationship helped me to understand the kind of therapy I am in. The rest of what I've read has been only somewhat helpful -- general books on therapy (especially Irv Yalom's books) have also helped me understand the process to a point......books on dealing with ptsd or sexual abuse are, frankly, not so helpful in so far as i feel like on an intellectual level I understand most of what they explain already.
I so much appreciated the thoughtfull responces to my last post. To be honest I've been skeptical about on-line support stuff, but people's thoughful responces were helpful to me during the past two weeks. Thanks for that.
)
