Dealing with your children?s fears - tips for parents

[David Baxter PhD]

DEALING WITH YOUR CHILDREN?S FEARS - TIPS FOR PARENTS
by Jason Edwards, author of Will Allen and the Great Monster Detective
Freedom From Fear Organization
October 8, 2008

Every parent has seen it happen one time or other: in an otherwise placid situation, your child suddenly stiffens, and his or her eyes grow wide with terror. The child?s breathing may become fast and shallow, and he or she may get shivers, begin sweating, cry, or act dizzy. Then they might scream and run away. If something causes your child to feel this way over and over again, the child may be suffering from a phobia. A phobia is an intense and irrational fear of certain objects or situations. These fears can produce painful anxiety for children, cause them to become isolated and irritable, interfere with schoolwork or social interactions, and restrict them from many activities. For a parent, witnessing your child suffering this way can be very upsetting, and we wish we could just make it go away. Thankfully, phobias can be overcome. With appropriate treatment, it is possible to reduce or even eliminate the effects of phobias.

What do you do when your child suffers from fears?
First of all, don?t panic or overreact. It is altogether normal and expected that your child experiences bouts of fear-related anxiety. According to The Child Anxiety Network, 90% of children between the ages of 2-14 have at least one specific fear. Some examples of fears that are shared by many children and are considered normal are:

• 0-2 years ? Loud noises, strangers, separation from parents, large objects.
• 3-6 years ? Imaginary things such as ghosts, monsters, the dark, sleeping alone, strange noises.
• 7-16 years ? More realistic fears such as injury, illness, school performance, death, natural disasters.

This is by no means a complete list. Whatever it is that frightens your child, be it a buzzing bee or a circus clown, they are by no means alone. Most of these fears are not severe enough to require treatment, however, if the fear produces a great deal of anxiety, and that anxiety is having serious consequences, you may want to take action to relieve its effects.

Steps You Can Take
Parents and caregivers play an important role in helping any child overcome their fears. Support and encouragement from family and friends is crucial. A child trying to overcome a phobia may find some treatment methods particularly challenging and will need the love and understanding of their support people.

There are many important things you can do to help:

1. Don?t Ignore: Do not simply assume that they will just ?grow out of it.? As we get older, we often get better at masking, hiding, or rationalizing our fears. But if we do not confront them, they often persist into adulthood and beyond.
   
2. Be Supportive: Never discount your child?s fears, no matter how harmless or innocuous the source of their anxiety may seem to you. Dismissing their feelings just makes your child feel isolated, alone, and ashamed of their fears, which makes it even harder to confront and overcome them. It can also lower their self-esteem and make it harder to express their feelings in the future.
   
3. Treat the Symptoms: Help your children develop coping mechanisms for dealing with fear. There are several techniques that may be effective in reducing and or controlling anxiety. These include deep breathing exercises, relaxation techniques, coping statements, and exercise.
   
   Breathing exercises can control the shallow, fast breathing that comes with anxiety. To teach your children breathing exercises, first have them put one hand on their chest and one hand on their abdomen, just below the stomach. Have them focus on breathing deeply; making sure that the abdomen moves when they inhale rather than the chest. Model slow, deep breaths for them, and have them copy you. You can even have them try to hold their breath for a few seconds. The deeper and longer their breaths, the more the symptoms of anxiety are relieved.
   
   Coping statements are special words you have your children speak out loud to remind themselves that the thing they fear isn?t really dangerous, or tell themselves positive messages that help them feel strong and confident, like saying, ?I am brave, I am bold. Fear will not control me.? Sometimes making a rhyme or even setting the words to music makes it easier to keep repeating them when they start to feel tense.
   
   Exercise is another helpful way to control anxiety. Exercise burns up anxiety-producing hormones, reducing stress and making your child feel more relaxed.
   
4. Face Their Fears: Once your child has developed ways to cope with anxiety, you must have them confront the frightening object or situation. Otherwise, children (and adults for that matter) can get locked into a cycle of anxiety and avoidance. When we retreat from something that scares us, the anxiety it causes is reduced, and we feel better. Thus, the behavior of running from anxiety-producing stimuli is reinforced, and it becomes harder to overcome the anxiety.
   
   Nevertheless, confronting the source of a fear should be done in a gradual, step-by-step process. Begin by having your child simply imagine the feared object or situation. Have them use the coping mechanisms they have developed to relieve any anxiety they experience. When they are able to cope with this, begin exposing them for short periods to the actual object or situation from a distance. As their ability to cope grows, move closer and confront the fear longer. When the fear is faced with support and a growing sense of control, the panic and anxiety begin to fade away. Through repeated exposure, your child feels an increasing sense of control over the phobia. Over time, this causes desensitization: the fear becomes weak and impotent.
   
5. Seek Additional Treatment: If dealing with the fear becomes too much for you, do not feel shy about seeking outside help. Not being able to conquer your child?s fear does not make you a failure as a parent. But not getting your child the help he or she needs might.
   
   Help may be available from your doctor, a psychologist, psychiatrist, or trained therapist. They can provide counseling or in some cases, if necessary, medication to relieve the symptoms of anxiety. Keep in mind that these should only be temporary solutions. The purpose of them should only be to relieve the physical symptoms of your child?s anxiety enough so that together you can confront their fears. Ultimately, confronting the source of the fear is still the only way to overcome it.

Of course, never forget that there are real dangers out in the world that your child should not confront, but developing the skills and habits that will help them overcome phobias, and the judgment to discern between real and imagined dangers, can be one of the most important lessons you as a parent can impart.

 

[murad]

Hi David,

Thanks for posting this article on dealing with your children's fears, after reading it I felt so regret and sad that I actually saw my 4 year old daughter had the same symptoms as you describe it like fast and shallow breathing, shivers, and sweats last night while my kindergarten revision session with her. I had to admit I actually {edited: punished} her last night because she refuses to even try to write the alphabets that has been taught by the teacher earlier yesterday.

I'm so sorry that I did that to her and it was the first time I saw her with the described symptoms. Will it have any long term implications to her development?

Thanks.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's hard to give a very specific answer with only the few details you posted. However, I think you have time to make amends with your daughter but at this point you probably have decreased her trust in you. There's nothing wrong with talking to her and telling her that you made a mistake and trying to get her to tell you what it is that she is nervous about or afraid of.

 

[Mari]

Dear Murad, I agree that some type of apology is in order. I would just like to tell you how I would handle the alphabet situation and hope that you might find some inspiration while you are searching your options for help. The first thing I would do is make a trip to the dollar store to purchase any items that you do not already have at home.

These are some suggestions and you may see other items that would be fun to work with. Look for paper (plain and colored), paper scissors, pens, pencils, crayons, markers, various sized rulers, glue stick, and any items that involve letters and/or numbers. These items would be such things as letter blocks, magnetic letters, stencils, and sticky address labels. Pictures of items are also helpful but you can cut those from old magazines.

At home, take all the items and set them out on a table. Do not ignore your children at this time but do not ask them to join you in this project (I can almost guarantee that they will ask to join in). Now use your imagination and start playing with the items. Play with the blocks and letters, spell out simple words, write the letters and numbers on the papers, slowly and neatly but not necessarily in order. Write them upside down if you want, print out your childrens names and their age, put a heart beside each name. Have fun and your children will want to play too.

Helping your children with their homework is good when you can and when they are co-operative but they are still very young for forced learning. Structured learning is the job of the teacher and what he/she is being paid for. Your job is to have fun with your children and to learn along with them. When they are older they will learn to manage their homework on their own. I hope this suggestion helps a bit. :dimples: Mari

 

[murad]

Thanks David, I know that I've hurt her and I deeply regret my actions.

Thanks Mari, I'll take strong note of your advice and techniques. In fact I'll do that this coming weekend.