Effects of Long Term Abuse

[texasgirl]

I have a question that I am trying to work through. I feel sometimes like I was somehow "programmed" as a child to self-destruct if I ever told anyone the truth about what was happening to me. Now this seems to manifest itself when I am sharing particularly difficult things that happened with my therapist. Since my memories are somewhat sketchy at best but I have been told about the nature of some of the torture we went through as kids by other people, I am not sure whether this is my own idea about being programmed or whether it really was true. In any case I feel like I need to be de-programmed. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

 

[foghlaim]

In any case I feel like I need to be de-programmed. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Hi Texasgirl, i don't know if this thread relates to your question.. but you might find similarities in there..
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/showthread.php?t=3720&highlight=conditioning

 

[jo will]

I certainly can relate. Whenever I tell any part of my trauma, I end up feeling destroyed, and completely pulled apart. I have alot of anxiety and anger. For me, it is because I have TOLD. I have been taught to never tell, so my brain has the habit of forgetting that I have told, that is how I feel safe. Therefore, whenever I have told I end up dissociating and feeling in pieces. I have been told to practice remembering that I have told by self rewarding. Something that I can look at to help me remember that I told and I am safe.
I have decided to not be a victim of my memories. What I have endured has made me a better parent and perston. I am looking at them as colours of my self portrait. I am working very hard at this. One day when I feel safe enough to tell my trauma without repercussions, I will write a book and hopefully, it will help someone along the recovery road.

 

[texasgirl]

Thank you both for your replies! They are giving me significant food for thought.

TG

 

[pocono]

texasgirl

I needed to hear over and over again from my therapist that he believed me and that he didn't think I was making it up. Even aftern 2 1/2 yrs, when I'm dealing with a new memory, I still need to hear that. It helps to hear I am believed. It also helps to hear that the memories are consistent with the symptoms, but also that they don't condemn me to a particular kind of circumscribed life.

From what I've read of your postings, you are clearly dealing with serious, prolonged, harmful abuse. I believe you. And you can survive and thrive in spite of this abuse. I believe that too!

 

[Eaglevoice]

I can relate. I told myself that I am surviving each day. I told myself to move on and let the past stay in the past and move on with "my" life. That is easier said than done. When trauma/violence happened to me, it took a huge part of my trust in people away. I have gone to therapists and dealt directly with my past, it's a work in progress. One day I do not want to survive from day to day. I wonder how it feels to "live" from day to day.

 

[texasgirl]

The needing to be believed is a critical piece for sure. Thank you both for your responses. We will get through it. :hug: