Ending relationship

[BobD]

Hello,
I came across this forum and decided to post my question. Here is my story. I met this girl in the airport and she gave me her e-mail address. After I came home I sent her e-mail. Next day I called her. We talked over the phone and through video conferencing (web cam) for about month with each other. She told me a lot about herself and I wanted to come and see her. I felt that I am not ready for serious relationship and decided t break up with her.
She is depressed and crying. Told me that she is dead inside and doesn't care about what will happen to her. Several times she mentioned suicide.
I don't want to continue this relationship. Some friends tell me to change my phone and not to answer on her e-mails. I would appreciate any suggestions.
Thanks, Bob

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Hi, BobD:

That is a tough one. Internet and telephone conversations can be very intense but the bottom line is you've only known this woman for a month, you've barely met in person, and you really can't know each other yet. She (and previously perhaps you too) seems to have built up a lot of premature hopes for this relationship in a short time and it doesn't surprise me that your reaction is, "I'm not ready for this"...

On the other hand, I can also see that she is feeling devastated and that you are worried about her. I think you need to start to set some limits with her - let her know that she needs to see a counsellor who can help her to deal with her feelings but that you aren't going to be able to fill that role with her. I can appreciate that she may need to ask some questions to help her get closure and you can let her know that you are willing to talk with her or listen to her from time to time, if only via email, but you will probably need to limit even those contacts and try to gradually taper them off.

The bottom line is that you can't let her grief or desperation pressure you into a relationship you don't feel comfortable with - and you can't be her therapist or counsellor. Urge her to speak with someone - her family doctor may be a good place to start.

 

[BobD]

Dr. Baxter,
Thanks for your advise. I talked to her and explained everything. She called me today and said that she is comming over.
Thanks, Bob

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I talked to her and explained everything. She called me today and said that she is coming over.

I assume from the tone of your post that this is okay with you? i.e., that she is coming over against your wishes?

It does help many people to discuss what happened when a relationship ends - it helps to give them closure and to figure out what went wrong, if indeed it was anything specific that went wrong...

But again I would caution that you may need to be clear about your own boundaries and wishes and not let your empathy for her talk you into something you don't want.

 

[BobD]

She didn't even ask me if I want her to come. She called me to ask what airport next to me. She said that she doesn't want anything from me just talk. I didn't have time to talk and said that we need to discuss her to come to me. Her friend sent e e-mail yesterday tried to tell me how wonderful she is and that she is so proud that she will never call me again. I was hoping everything is finished and today I got email. I will try to tell her again that there is no point to come.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Yes.... I think you definitely need to do that. Her behavior is somewhat extreme and rather worrisome. Indeed, in view of your statements to her, one might even view it as bordering on harassment or "stalking".

Again, I would suggest that you need to be very firm about limits and boundaries and that this woman needs to seek some counselling to help her sort out all of this.

 

[BobD]

She called me and I told her that there is no point to come here. She said that I played with her feeling and I know too much about her. She mentioned suicide again. I told her that she needs to see counseling and she shouldn't call me again.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I know you are worrying about her and her "suicide threats" - without knowing the woman, it's difficult to judge how much of a risk there is.

It might be helpful to also email the friend who contacted you to reiterate to the friend that you can't help her and to suggest that the friend also encourage her to talk to a counsellor.

 

[BobD]

She is going to sent her friend e-mail address and I will try to ask her friend to talk to her about counselor