ThatLady
Member
Can you tell us about it, Steven?
- Thread starter Steven_v
- Start date
basicaly i was downloading some ordanary porn when out of now where, out of all of the pics one of them was child porn. i just felt sick to my stomach imediatly deleted the whole lot turned off my computer and went and curled up on my bed. and then the inevitable happened it started to screw my head up big time, i mean out of all ht people in the world it happened to me at this particular time. now it wont get out of my head i havent been able to sleep and my nerves are all shot and iam shaking and vomiting. i dont know what to do to get it out of my head, i mean and dont particuly want to live in a world where stuff like that stuff even goes on let alone where it can practicly sneak on to my computer. i dont no what to do i feel worse than i ever have
ThatLady
Member
Ish. I'm sure that had to be a horrifying experience for you, Steven. I'm really sorry it happened. 
There is a lesson to be learned here, however. Mind you, I don't care one way or the other about porn that involves adults. That's their choice, and the choice of those who watch it. Yet, you have to realize that if you swat a wasps' nest, chances are you're going to get stung. The people who create pornography sites on the internet are, by their nature, not particularly concerned with what effect their material might have on others. There are many people, with varying backgrounds, who would be traumatized by seeing adult pornography, much less child pornography; yet, both proliferate on the internet. It's just not a good place to go, Steven.
There is a lesson to be learned here, however. Mind you, I don't care one way or the other about porn that involves adults. That's their choice, and the choice of those who watch it. Yet, you have to realize that if you swat a wasps' nest, chances are you're going to get stung. The people who create pornography sites on the internet are, by their nature, not particularly concerned with what effect their material might have on others. There are many people, with varying backgrounds, who would be traumatized by seeing adult pornography, much less child pornography; yet, both proliferate on the internet. It's just not a good place to go, Steven.
I'm really sorry it happened too, Steven.
And I have to echo what TL said, she had some very good points.
As for getting it out of your head, I'm not sure. I can imagine it would be difficult. Can you give someone a call? Maybe talking to someone might help, not neccessarily about what you saw but about something, anything.
Sorry again and I truly hope you start to feel a bit better.
And I have to echo what TL said, she had some very good points.
As for getting it out of your head, I'm not sure. I can imagine it would be difficult. Can you give someone a call? Maybe talking to someone might help, not neccessarily about what you saw but about something, anything.
Sorry again and I truly hope you start to feel a bit better.
when ive deffinatly took it as a lesson, iam in no state of mind to take even low risks like looking and legetamant internet pornography. so iam keeping away for along time now. but it still doesnt stop me feeling absolutly messed up now and i dont know what to do and the more i dont sleep the more messed up my head gets
ThatLady
Member
I can certainly understand that, Steven. It does sound like you need someone to act as a sounding board for all these feelings you're trying to cope with. Do you have a friend you could call, or a therapist who might help you? Sometime, if we can just get our feelings out on the table, we can deal with them more effectively.
ThatLady
Member
Can you contact the therapist by email and let him/her know you're in crisis?
ThatLady
Member
That does complicte issues; especially, if you don't have a friend or parent you can talk to about what's happened. The only thing I can suggest is some positive self-talk to remind yourself that your experiences are behind you and no longer have any real power over you unless you allow them to do so. Also, perhaps getting out of the house and taking a walk or, failing that, doing some exercises in the house, or cleaning, or practicing a hobby...anything to take your mind off what you saw. Sometimes, reading will help to relax people enough to sleep, as will a glass of warm milk, or hot chocolate (chocolate is a comfort food).
its just there are so many things that are rushing thru my head about, from bringing up bad memorys from the past to the sheer disgust of seeing it, to being worried that it was on my computer and what that mightmean. and me having had no sleep doesnt help with the amount of thoughts rushing around my head
ThatLady
Member
In that case, the first order of business needs to be to concentrate on ways to get yourself some sleep. Excercise can help, as it will tire you. Then, gentle stretches to relax, a warm drink in a relaxing position and place, a book to read that isn't too stimulating. That might help. It's worth a try.
Into The Light
MVP
steven have you been through this kind of anxiety before? if so, what helped you through it? if not, i know it is very, very difficult to calm down, but try. do you have some sort of crisis help line you could call (i do not know where you live so i can't give you a specific number). when i went through some really bad anxiety i could hardly think and i called the crisis line and they helped me through it.
ThatLady
Member
Calling the crisis line for tonight is an excellent idea, Steven. Tomorrow is Monday and you should be able to get in touch with your therapist. Hopefully, you'll be able to get medication to ease your way through this difficult time.
still dont know when my next apointment will be with my therapist and as for my psychologist thats starting to seem hopeless.
plus ive been getting really worse lately ive been reading up on things in order to try help myself but every time i read what the defination of a pedophile is i keep thinking that i have one of the traits. it says "sexaul thoughts of a child 13 or under over a six month period". now they may not be recuring and there hardly ever of 13 or under but the intrusive thoughts i have even though i reject them and they even make me feel sick and always make me hate myself, they do fall into that deffinition dont they
plus ive been getting really worse lately ive been reading up on things in order to try help myself but every time i read what the defination of a pedophile is i keep thinking that i have one of the traits. it says "sexaul thoughts of a child 13 or under over a six month period". now they may not be recuring and there hardly ever of 13 or under but the intrusive thoughts i have even though i reject them and they even make me feel sick and always make me hate myself, they do fall into that deffinition dont they
Into The Light
MVP
steven you say:
that clearly does not fall under the definition given. the thoughts must be of children under 13 and they must be recurring. you state neither of these are the case.
what's making things look hopeless with your psychologist?
that clearly does not fall under the definition given. the thoughts must be of children under 13 and they must be recurring. you state neither of these are the case.
what's making things look hopeless with your psychologist?
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