Cat Dancer
MVP
My therapist keeps reminding me that my self-injury is my CHOICE. I know he's right. I choose to do it. I choose to let my thoughts go in the wrong direction. I choose to go along with the feelings of being worthless and hopeless and that I need to be punished for being so bad. I know you can't live your life based on how you feel. I'm realizing that in therapy. I'm realizing that I can change my thoughts about myself, but it's so hard.
We talked about how it's easier for me to just stay very sick. It's what I know and it's terrifying thinking of being different and maybe facing the world without my normal defenses.
I'm just having SUCH a hard time accepting all of this. I want it to be out of my control so that I'm not responsible for it which kind of doesn't make any sense. It's like in my mind I'm throwing a major fit. I'm being like a little kid and not wanting to take or accept responsibility for my own actions. Plus it's hard for me to forgive myself for continuously making bad choices.
Strangely enough, on the other hand there's almost a sense of relief that it IS something in my control. So many things in my life have been totally out of my control that it's nice to know I have control over something.
I don't really have an exact question I guess, but I would like to know if it's common to resist this type of thing in therapy?
We talked about how it's easier for me to just stay very sick. It's what I know and it's terrifying thinking of being different and maybe facing the world without my normal defenses.
I'm just having SUCH a hard time accepting all of this. I want it to be out of my control so that I'm not responsible for it which kind of doesn't make any sense. It's like in my mind I'm throwing a major fit. I'm being like a little kid and not wanting to take or accept responsibility for my own actions. Plus it's hard for me to forgive myself for continuously making bad choices.
Strangely enough, on the other hand there's almost a sense of relief that it IS something in my control. So many things in my life have been totally out of my control that it's nice to know I have control over something.
I don't really have an exact question I guess, but I would like to know if it's common to resist this type of thing in therapy?