I just dont know what to do

[Steven_v]

yesterday my girlfriend turns around and says to me that she really used to be "in" love with me but just lately she does feel that she is, but she wants to stay together becuase she says she loves me and could possibley fall "in" love with me again. i asked her what it was that made her fall out of love with me and she said that she wishes she knew then she could fix it.
when i said to her if your just gona continue this relationship becuase you dont wanna hert me than maybe it would be better to end it. to wich she said something along the lines of your not even fighting for me.
so i explained to her how much i love her how head over heals iam and how i thought she still felt the same, and that i really didnt want to let her go but all the fighting in the world wont do anything if she does want it to. so she said that she does wanna give it a go.
i couldnt saty over after that so we spent a few more hours together after that then i went home.

so i text her this after noon basically saying how much this herts and id do anything to get back to how we were. to wich she text back i know but i need to give her space and stop going on about things.
so i text her back is there any chance she could fall back "in" love weith me again, and she said i dont want to get your hopes up.
so i saidso iam not tgetting my hopes up iam just trying to understand where we stand, you know can we still see each other as boyfriend and girlfriend.
she replied i want to but i dont know what i want at the mo, you just have to stop asking me its doing my head in, i know you want know whats going on but i need to think yourr not helping your just making it worse by going on about it.

so what on earth do i do? how do i win her back?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't think you can "win her back" unless she wants to be "won". In fact, those really aren't words that apply to a relationship at all, in my opinion - either she wants to be with you or she doesn't - a partner is not a trophy that one wins or loses.

People do go through ups and downs in any relationships. Sometimes that reflects things happening in the relationship. Sometimes that reflects things going on within one of the individuals. It's neither unusual nor unhealthy to reevaluate where you are and where you're heading at various points in your life.

It sounds as though your girlfriend is uncertain about how or what she feels right now. All you can do is give her the time and space she is requesting to figure it out.

 

[Steven_v]

Ive asked her if she just wants to go for a casual drink tomorow afternoon, and maybe go to the cinema after no pressure just to see each other. she said yes so iam gonna make sure i do nothing but treat it like a normal date no winning or whatever from me lol

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Good!

 

[Steven_v]

just wish i knew what happened or what ive done to make her fall out of love with me

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That was part of what I was trying to say, Steven. It may have absolutely nothing to do with you. It may be entirely something she's going through herself.

 

[Steven_v]

so just give her time basically, and dont push her into answering anything and dont give up untill she says theres absolutly no point trying

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That would be my advice.

 

[ThatLady]

I agree totally with David. Sounds like the best thing to do is just lay back and enjoy her company when you're together. Don't push for committment, or answers, or reasons. Just have fun together and let things develop as they develop. If it's meant to be and you don't try to rush it, it will happen, hon.

 

[Steven_v]

its just hard iam still in love with her and thought she felt the same i didnt know there was anything wrong. just wish i knew what was wrong

 

[ThatLady]

There's not necessarily anything wrong, hon. People sometimes have things going on in their lives that make them stop and think things over. Their friends, acquaintances, and even lovers, have to give them a little room and some time to reassess how their lives are going and what changes they might wish to make to ensure that they're on the right track with everything. It doesn't have to mean that you're doing anything wrong, and it doesn't have to mean that she won't care for you in future. She's probably just taking stock of her goals and dreams. We all do it from time to time.

 

[Steven_v]

well its the next day ive had practicly no sleep,a nd iam an emotional reck. got a reall y bad feeling about this

 

[Peanut]

Re: I just don't know what to do

Hey Steven,

I just wanted to say that first, I am sorry about what is happening. Second, I just went through almost exactly the same scenario, only I was actually married when it happened. I said pretty much the same things that your girlfriend said to you, and my husband subsequently went to see a psychiatrist and got almost exactly the same advice from him as Dr. Baxter gave to you.

I think that the going on dates is a good idea...that's what we did for 7 months. My husband was close to losing his mind but carried through with the advice anyway. But it was really uncomfortable for him, just like it is for you. The dating was nice because it alleviated the pressures that were present in the relationship and brought back old feelings from the courtship. There were times that things looked very bleak, like a reconciliation was not going to happen, but it did end up working out. However, I should mention, that as time drug on, his psychiatrist told him that eventually he would reach a limit where being in limbo was no longer acceptable and then he would perhaps have to lay that on the line if that time came. He never did do that though.

My advice would be, first listen to Dr. Baxter...and secondly, be available for things like dates but not too available (i.e. overeager because that can feel smothering). Maybe if you pull back a little (and I mean a little not totally) it may be more apparent where she stands (like, if you don't call her, will she call you?).

That one saying comes to mind "If you love something, set it free...if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with" and also another saying that I read (somewhere) that I kind of latched onto during that time was "In order to save a relationship you have to be ready to walk away from it"
I know...easier said than done
Good luck! Be strong!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Excellent advice, Toeless.

 

[JA]

Wow Toeless, great post!

Steven, I understand that you feel like an emotional reck and that you couldn't sleep... learning that your relationship is in trouble is a really hard thing to go through... I think Dr. Baxter & Toeless gave you really good advice. You're not alone going through this I wish you luck and my thoughts are with you...

 

[Steven_v]

well it all went better than i thought, i saw her again today for a little but. but i cant help feeling i let my obssesive side come out a bit today. she's going out clubbing with her mates tonight and tomorow night, and i asked twice whats she's doing tomorow and who's she's going out with today and tomorow. but i didnt dwell on it like i would have. also i mentioned very quickly if she had any idea when i might get out of this limbo, she said i still dont know and i left it at that.

but i still cant help but feel i pushed it a little to far and let my obssesive side out a bit today. (even though she didnt seem to bothered, but for a month she was and i didnt know so...)

 

[Peanut]

Re: I just don't know what to do

Good job Steven.? I don't think you should expect yourself to be able to change completely over night...nobody can.? I think a good goal to have is improvement, and today it sounds like you improved a lot--so, well done, keep it up!

i mentioned very quickly if she had any idea when i might get out of this limbo, she said i still don't know and i left it at that

I think it's totally fine that you asked her that, but don't forget, that it can be your decision too...it's not all up to her!

she's going out clubbing with her mates tonight and tomorrow night, and i asked twice whats she's doing tomorrow and who's she's going out with today and tomorrow. but i didn't dwell on it like i would have

Maybe tomorrow you could make plans to go out with your mates!?


Mainly I just wanted to say it sounds like you did a good job and handled yourself well?

 

[Steven_v]

thanks. ive just got to try and not mention anything at all about her going out, when we go to the cinema on sunday

 

[Steven_v]

If iam honest i know ive got nothing to worry about but my obssesive side always finds something. ive just got to ignore it but more than i did today

 

[Steven_v]

she finished with me. she said she didnt think we would work. the strange thing is she seemed as upset as me. if i would have realised 2 months ago i would have had time to prove that i could change before she got in her words "fed up with me". maybe i should had said yes when she said we can always meet up in two weeks and see if her feelings have changed. but i said to her they probably wont and i cant do this again.just she seemed so sure that this is how she feels and yet at the same time she seemed to really want it to work. but thats probably her not wanting to hert me or just finding it hard to let go. but i love her so much i just wish i could go back two months and stop acting like a twat then when there was still time with her.