My beloved William died on December 25 without any signs or symptoms. He had called me on Dec. 24 for lunch as we always met for coffee or lunch. I was busy doing errands and said no. He said come on sweetie have lunch with me so after him asking several times I met him. And I am so grateful that I did because 12 hours later he was in the ER fighting for his life. I won't go into details but he suffered three anyrysms and went paralyzed. I was told that his condition was guarded and if he lived the next 24 hours that he would most likely survive. So every hour that went by I prayed and prayed and was hopeful that he would live. Then we were all called to the hospital to say our farewells because he was being taken off life support. So I was hoping and praying for him to live hour by hour and it was the machines keeping him alive. I'm angry at the person who gave me the false hope. Its been 2 weeks since hes been gone and I can't seem to stop crying. I've known him for 30 years and I called him my brother..I loved him as my brother. Now my brain is playing tricks on me because during the day or when I wake up its like nothing is wrong and I have to ask myself is he really gone. The pain and hurt that I am going through is God awful. We were so incredibly close and the thought of never seeing him or being with him just breaks my heart. For the past week I've been self medicating myself with alcohol and oxycontin to try and numb my pain. I know that I should tell my therapist this but I'm scared to. I can't think or talk about William without crying. I'm completely and totally heartbroken. His brothers and sisters are taking things better than I am. Sure they miss him and have cried for him, but they said they got closure from the funeral service and now they're fine. Then I'm crying my eyes out most of the day. Not sure why its affecting me so bad, I loved him like the rest of his family.
What angers me is the suddenness of it. No sign no symptom no nothing. Here today and boom gone tomorrow. That's what's hurting the most. I think it's better to not love and care for anyone because in the end you just up and die.
What angers me is the suddenness of it. No sign no symptom no nothing. Here today and boom gone tomorrow. That's what's hurting the most. I think it's better to not love and care for anyone because in the end you just up and die.